There is a coworker-hosted BBQ and XABF is invited...

Old 02-19-2010, 10:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
There is a coworker-hosted BBQ and XABF is invited...

..and I am in that place where I would like to go and talk with the new coworkers I got, it would be good to my career to "reconnect" with some of them, then I read the list of guests and XABF and his clan are also invited...

Its for next Saturday.... I would love to go with my BF... but then I feel bad with myself for still considering "XABF" may go with GF and act careless and get drunk and ouch! it will be too much to handle, to see them together again (God finally gave me a break and I havent run into them in a while now)... then its a great chance to go and even if he goes I'm there having a good time huh!! that was the attitude I had for past work related events, but those were in a much larger scale, this one is a smaller gathering on a garden..

Im thinking that, if I still post here these kind of "doubts", its a suggestion I'm not where I want to be yet emotionally and I should avoid those "events" or better yet plan others but without him...

I'm also thinking a few of the other guests are so called "friends" who never gave a damn in my worst stages (but now they say hi to me with a hug WTF) so why would I want to go? mmm I got conflicting feelings DAMN! lol


Guess my sanity is first? Or I went insane already :rotfxko

Maybe someday if I can actually buy furniture during this year, I can invite the ones I am closest to and the new ones in my own team, to MY place... and cook something (I cooked some traditional dish from my home city and it was very well received by the guests then).. the bad thing about it is that it will be months before that and down here it is rather "important" to participate in social things to be deemed a "team player" (it sucks but that's how it is like here). Lately I've had issues at the job and that event could help ease things...

sorry to interrupt while others have real issues. UGH! thanks for letting me vent.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 11:15 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Psalm 118:24
 
CAPTAINZING2000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Do you like the people that'll be there?? Will you b/f enjoy going with you??
CAPTAINZING2000 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 02:19 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
anvil, I'm not conflicted about seeing him, I see him, hear him, overhear him and interact with him at work often and gladly that fact is less and less important everyday.

So anvil, in your opinion I should go right? And not give a damn?? basically go and do whatever I wish? mmmh. I like that

Now I'm all excited about going, even if BF doesn't want or can't go I'd love to be around or at least go for a couple of hours.

If I feel triggered or bad then, shall I leave? or shall I stick to it, breathe and try to work it through?

I called my therapist and she said there's no way to work feelings until one has them, and adviced to go and if I feel something to look at it after the fact. And reminded me to live the present moment


Mmmmmh. I don't know if I genuinely want to go or if I want to go to "SHOW OFF" my partner or "show" something to myself or common friends or something low like that.

It's funny because sometimes I truly don't give a damn anymore, and sometimes when we interact ouch! it stings and I can't picture breaking "no contact" with him and his in a social setting when I can avoid it. Shall I say hi? smile? introduce them? say hi to everyone but them? Ignore them? ugh.

I'm thinking on buying that book KP recommended and doing the exercises. Life is better when one sees feelings as opportunities to grow. I'm glad they are not as strong now....
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 02:34 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I think what hurts me is remembering what happened was real. With NC or just work related stuff I can imagine this is the evil twin, or I just imagine it was all a nightmare. Hope they don't go at all but if they go I'll make my best to behave in an elegant way and have fun...

Thanks for listening
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 02:35 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sometimes I think going back to the recovery books, exercises etc is paying more attention to him but I feel better and more motivated when I remember it is about ME and my happiness nothing else...
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 02:40 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Captain yes he knows a few of them already, and I think he would enjoy it, he LOVES meat LOL and he is kind of a grinch and only sees me and one or two other friends he has, but I'm wishing he befriends some of my nice coworkers, one already invited him to play squash. It would be great if he goes so I get extra support and can focus on what and who is important
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 03:49 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I think it must be hard to still work at the same place with someone you had a history with. I do not know if I could do it. I dated a guy I worked with one time and we broke up. Seeing him around the office sucked. Thank god I got a new job shortly after that. You seemed to have handled it well. I guess this is another step in your recovery. Handling social situations with your X.

Stay or Leave the BBQ? I suppose you could treat it like any other social situation and if your not having that great of a time, take an early exit. Say I had a great time, see you at the office.
JACKRUSSELLGIRL is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 05:30 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Are you jealous of gf or their relationship? Is that what hurts?
MissFixit is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 05:53 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Jack. Miss interesting question, I think that is worse of course, but XABF hasn't brought his GF to the office lately and I still feel bad, so its not only the GF. Ugh! I feel I am giving CPR to a corpse thinking about this. Well, I'm off home to get ready for my night out! I will ask BF if he would like to go. We have to decide because on Monday we would need to pay for the meat etc.

Also.. I've received some compliments lately and I'm feeling like "yeahh finally XABF will SEE MY bf and he will see me finally not a zombie and living my own life and happy and I'd enjoy that" another ego filled attitude I dont like or want for myself.

UGH! perhaps.... whatever feeling then, if it gets too much I can say I need to feed my cats or something and leave and work on my feelings... perhaps that's better than avoiding things, maybe he/they don't even go and I'm fretting for nothing just like the other times.

THEN AGAIN there will be other social meetings perhaps with more time and healing these kind of things become a non issue and when I dont even mention them here in SR its my sign that Im prepared. But.. how will I achieve that if I dont face reality?? I am having issues as you may have noticed LOL, separating No contact from Hiding Forevermore.

Now I will take my own advice and ask myself: what decision would give ME more peace???


PS Im so happy Im going out and I dont have to worry about how much others will drink! *****!!
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 05:58 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Another dark part of me WANTS to see XABF plus GF superdrunk!!! to say "HAH! yes! it was all true!! hahaha!! you are STILL the same drunken jerk"

UGH...
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:06 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
In AA, we are often asked to examine WHY we want to do around that atmosphere.
I think it'd apply here, as well.

It's more important, I think ... than actually going.

Is to determine WHY it's a 'deal' at all.

Were it me -
if I felt even the slightest sneeze of a twinge about being near an ex,
I wouldn't go if Jesus was making his comeback appearance there.

But if it started bugging me
like it seems to be bugging you -
then I'd have to go inside and talk to myself and find out
what the deal REALLY is.

But that's just me.
barb dwyer is offline  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:08 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thumbs up

Me personally I choose to avoid all contact with them once it is over, especially if they are actively using. It is not that I have an emotional attachment or hurt to work through with them, it's just a choice I make because I know being around them would make me feel uncomfortable. I had to teach myself to make this choice a conscious one--boundary work, no more, no less. You may find that you go and have a great time and don't feel uncomfortable. Or, you go and feel uncomfortable and just deal with that, confident that you can CHOOSE to take care of yourself in whatever way is necessary.

I know you'll make the right decision when the time comes
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 02-20-2010, 07:41 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I already confirmed my assistance with BF. We are excited!
A girl friend gave me a red flower hair pin, I am excited thinking about buying a flattering summer dress that matches it. And to give myself a manicure and pedicure

I was thinking "what would make my mom proud if she could see me?" that would be going Nordic and acting very elegant and educated with them as if they were strangers (which they are). Of course not pushy or trying to befriend them, just like saying "hi" if I'm saying hi to everybody for instance. Meanwhile I'll go back to my letting go visualizations....

Thanks all for your input, kicks on the a$$, it makes such a difference in my life to be able to come back here and now you all get how it is like. Its funny but we also got a Jack daniels bottle so we will take it with us.... as it is I am going back to my own social drinking, now its very clear to me its all about the person, alcohol itself never did anything.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-23-2010, 09:30 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well I bought a great dress, Japanese style that is VERY very flattering! now that's a good excuse to buy matching shoes

BF says he may need to work that day, so I said "well hope you can join us later just let me know as we need to cooperate some $ for the food" so the good thing is that I am going


Regardless of XABF
Regardless of BF
Regardless of whatever anyone thinks or doesnt think (feels or doesnt feel) about me in any point in life

I read the affirmation "I am whole in myself" and I am taking it as a motto



Go, chat, have quesadillas, look great, have fun I will try to focus on that and not be distracted...
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-23-2010, 09:48 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I wish it was as easy as it sounds but ahhhh I feel more free in a sense
TakingCharge999 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:47 PM.