suki44883

how can you tell (apart from the obvious and actually doing something!) when they are really ready to quit and not just BS-ing?

That's how you can tell. When they are actually doing something about it. The rest is just BS-ing.

MissFixit

how can you tell (apart from the obvious and actually doing something!) when they are really ready to quit and not just BS-ing?
They stop drinking and change themselves.

Are you trying to outsmart him or alcoholism by determining if he is ready to stop? I can tell you from my experience that this is a futile effort. This will spin your wheels. The same reasons you are trying to figure him out are the same reasons that he still drinks. He is not ready to give it up. You aren't ready to quit trying to figure him out. I mean this with good intentions. I too have been there.

Maybe rather than trying to figure out him and you and the relationship and alcoholism, you focus on small things that you can do today for yourself? I always find that when I start to obsess or things pile up and seem overwhelming that I just need to break it down into smaller bites. This dissection has helped me to work through problems which can help me to accept bigger things that I cannot control.

coffeedrinker

i don't think there's any way. the thing is, even when they truly seem ready, even when they go into rehab, even when they do stop drinking....often times the follow through trips them up. he may be "ready" today, then tomorrow could be a different story. it is the nature of being with an addict. and it's for the rest of your life.

KerBearz

iwantcontrol, I just wanted to give you my 2 cents worth... I have had a lot of these conversations. Many of them have been filled with lots of drama and none of them have changed anything. I decided to have one more of these conversations a few weeks ago - I was calm, loving and very rational. I explained to him that I loved him very much, but I was no longer willing to live with active alcoholism and I was not going to live in fear in my own home, etc. To my AH it may have sounded like more blah, blah, blah - but it was very different TO ME. I have made a decision to change my life and this was my first step. I had this conversation with my AH FOR ME and I have no expectations that he will change.

stella27

This, to me, would be the only reason to have the conversation.

Sylvie66

Absolutely. When I went home and said "I love you. The drinking is getting in the way of us being effective partners. It might be time for us to live apart." - he blamed me for ruining everything. He got drunk. He followed me, drunk, to show how in control he could be. I told him "I won't be around you right now", and walked away.

He got drunk, and he got drunker. The next morning - yesterday morning - he called me at work and said 'I'm done drinking. Watching you walk away again was really hard. I spent all night with people I didn't even like. I know it's ruining my health, and I'm just done with it all.'

NONE of this changes my relief at telling him that I think we should live separately. I'm willing to go to al-anon and work on our relationship - whether or not we live together anymore. Having The Conversation helped me be calm, because I'm being VERY clear with both of us. I intend to follow through - I have not even suggested living apart before.

If he stops, and stays stopped, we still have relationship stuff to work on. If he starts up again, I move out. I know this, and I'm pretty sure he understands it too.

Clarity is GOOD!

- Sylvie

ghal

IWC,
I am an A and I can tell you one thing that no one that knows this disease can argue. If he quits only for you, he will drink again. He must want to quit or at least "want to want to quit." I tried to quit for other people in the past but always drank again until I wanted to quit for me. It was then, that I could do my inventory and CLEARLY uderstand the pain I had caused loved ones which has changed the way I treat them. When he is drinking or in the drinking way, he simply can't think clearly. The addiction owns him. Not even when he has slept for 12 hours and his blood alc level is back down. I had to get clean, stay clean, let the fog clear and start sorting things out for a good while so that I could really do my inventory. Depending on how bad his drinking is and how long its gone on will probably determine how long it takes him to get his head clear.

Now, please do not expect that things will be all rosy immediately after he quits(if he does). Sobriety can bring laser focus to us alcoholics and we can be quick to start looking for negatives in our wife or GF, etc in the early months because there is still lots of resentment, fear, etc. However, things can and will ge better if you both love each other and both are committed to recovery.

Question: Do you have a copy of the Big Book? If so, have you asked him to read it some time? Maybe you can simply give it to him and ask him to read it while he isn't drinking. Just pages 1-164. I would not tell him he has to read it but just tell him you have read it and you think he would benefit from reading it. Then, leave it alone and I bet he will pick it up and read it when you aren't around.

MY wife was constantly in my face about drinking but the more she learned about alcoholics the better she got at dealing with me. She and I knew I wanted to stop but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was in and out of AA for months and she stayed with me trying to support me and I will never forget the things she put up with during that time. Heck, she still puts up with my crazy self

Just remember, he has to hit some kind of bottom and please do not bluff him unless you are serious about leaving him. He very well may call you on it depending on where that voice in his head is. Losing you might be his bottom but talking with alcoholics in recovery daily I know too many that have chosen alcohol over their sig other without much thought. Obviously, after they get clean they are sad about it but most of the time their bottom has gotten so bad that old GFs and Wives are no different than an arrest for public intoxication.

God bless you and him! If he has this disease, he needs help fighting it and you need your recovery too. Best of luck!

bookwyrm

This is one of the saddest statements I've read in a while...

Learn2Live

Where have I heard all this before I wonder? ... They are all so predictable and alike. And like a broken record.

Insulated

IMO I would talk to him about it. Your concerns are your concerns. Whatever you accept, you declare acceptable, so why should he change? Get my thought process. If you don't discuss it, he's going to assume that you accept it and therefore it is an acceptable component in your relationship. Yet if you make yourself clear that it isn't something you signed up for in a relationship, and ________ is your action, then maybe he'll get it. Just really be prepared to back up your ________ action. Otherwise, again, he will not take you seriously and assume you didn't really mean it, therefore finding the behavior acceptable. Did I just go in a complete circle? Welcome to the life of an addict. You are presented as a strong level headed woman, keep true to yourself.

ghal

It's extremely sad because SO MANY of us A's regret the lost relationships the most once we are finally clean and sober. A's can deal with the arrests, the lost job etc but the real pain is knowing you have hurt and lost someone that was an Angel and you were never sober enough to realize it. So far, I am lucky to be sober and my wife stayed with me while I got help and still do. We have our problems but they are more along the lines of normal mariatal issues.

steve11694

Recovering alcoholics I have interviewed have said if anyone tried to discuss their drinking or infer it is a problem, or threaten leaviing; they'd simply "drink at you", or get drunk in spite of you.

To them, alcohol is God

iwantcontrol

this has been a very interesting topic and i've enjoyed reading through all the different opinions. I haven't managed to have a proper talk with him about it as I have been ill over the weekend, but I am going to seriously think about what i want to say and have the talk next weekend probably. I know, for me, that I need to. I'm not expecting it to change anything but for my own piece of mind I need to put across how i feel about things and what i expect from our relationship.

ghal -thanks for posting - it always helps me a lot to hear about things from the other side so to speak. He has a copy of the big book, although AA is really not for him. He, and I, both struggle with the HP idea behind it, but I know he does sometimes read the big book when he is very low.

Still Waters

Oh, I had the talks, with a counselor even. What I discovered is that there was nothing wrong with him, it was all me!

I felt so relieved.

(that's sarcasm)