Was I Wrong??
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Was I Wrong??
my caps is having issues, so i apologize in advance for that! during the really difficult days with my ah i shared many things with my family and friends that had happened. i never lied, just told what was happening etc. it was never with the intent to hurt my ah, only with the intent of helping me underestand what was going on. well ah keps telling me i was wrong to do that, to take away from the person he is, that i was simply seeking validation in what i was feeling, and that i am shallow for doing that. now maybe i was seeking validation in making some of the choices i needed to make, but i never intended to detract from his person. i was simply looking for someone, anyone to listen and help me through. so was i wrong to do this or is this just another attempt at deflection from the read issues? just another atempt to make me into the bad guy?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Nope. Not in my book.
Seeking support from your friends and family is what we do in hard times, is it not?
I think that he is embarrassed of his behaviors and I know from experience that it is easier to control someone when they are tip-toeing around, trying to pacify you so you don't show your nasty self in front of God and everybody. IMO, that just adds to the darkness, shame and secrecy that accompany mistreatment and abuse.
If you told his boss or his landlord about his antics, that would be a different story.
He is blameshifting.
Seeking support from your friends and family is what we do in hard times, is it not?
I think that he is embarrassed of his behaviors and I know from experience that it is easier to control someone when they are tip-toeing around, trying to pacify you so you don't show your nasty self in front of God and everybody. IMO, that just adds to the darkness, shame and secrecy that accompany mistreatment and abuse.
If you told his boss or his landlord about his antics, that would be a different story.
He is blameshifting.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
No way were you wrong to do what you felt you needed to do to try and understand this addiction mess. What is wrong with seeking validation, if all you are seeking is some sort of proof that YOU are not going nuts, because of it?
He is in quack mode, laying his blame on you again.
know that you are ok and leave him to his quacking.
God bless
He is in quack mode, laying his blame on you again.
know that you are ok and leave him to his quacking.
God bless
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
I agree with stella27. In no way are you the bad person. Everyone needs somebody to talk to. That's just human nature. It really does sound like he is just embarrassed. It's not your fault that he is the way his is. And when he does these type things you need to get it off your chest and talk to people so that you can get everything straight in your heart.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by mentallyexh 
]ah keps telling me i was wrong to do that, to take away from the person he is
Sort of sounds like this to me: "If you would just stop complaining, stop having needs, and stop reaching out to other people, I could finally relax and DRINK."
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by dothi
Wow, you must be crazy powerful for "taking away from the person he is" :wtf2 Why doesn't he ever accuse alcohol of doing this?
Sort of sounds like this to me: "If you would just stop complaining, stop having needs, and stop reaching out to other people, I could finally relax and DRINK."
Sort of sounds like this to me: "If you would just stop complaining, stop having needs, and stop reaching out to other people, I could finally relax and DRINK."
If you would just stop having needs, I could finally be okay.
My husband says, "everything was fine - I WAS happy - before THIS (meaning the day I confronted him on lying, hiding and drinking). Umm...wait a minute. Didn't you say you were so depressed you felt you had to drink all that?
I am getting dizzy from the circles he is turning us around in!
Can I get a BLAMESHIFTING for $200, please, Alex!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Can I get a BLAMESHIFTING for $200, please, Alex!
And it's an audio daily double!!!!!! Congratulations, wife!!!!!!
Here's your clue:
"Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quaaaaaaaaack"
Blameshifting never gets old for active alcoholics.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I wish I had a dollar for every time I used the words "but, you said.. whatever", as what I thought and believed I had heard, seen, done and understood before, was suddenly turned upside-down, inside-out, back-the-front or disappeared into Nowhere Land, becoming a non-event.
Suddenly, my brain must be playing tricks, my eyes and ears not working well and my memory was a problem.
Hmmmmm....these comments on my faculties from someone who forgot his name and address, lost 3 pairs of glasses in a week, hid hundreds of dollars and forgot where, lent out money, but how much and who to..No idea!!!
Says he used alcohol to numb pain of his past....Later on, I was the reason he drank.....I put him there.
If I was that damned powerful and God like, trust me....I would not have arthritis and old age aches and pains....and I'd have HEALED him of alcoholism, not pushed him to the pub.
Wonderful little old DENIAL....what a sense of the ridiculous we need to appreciate what a load of $**&^@# it really is. Now at the first sign of this foe, I am fast away, because
God bless
Suddenly, my brain must be playing tricks, my eyes and ears not working well and my memory was a problem.
Hmmmmm....these comments on my faculties from someone who forgot his name and address, lost 3 pairs of glasses in a week, hid hundreds of dollars and forgot where, lent out money, but how much and who to..No idea!!!
Says he used alcohol to numb pain of his past....Later on, I was the reason he drank.....I put him there.
If I was that damned powerful and God like, trust me....I would not have arthritis and old age aches and pains....and I'd have HEALED him of alcoholism, not pushed him to the pub.
Wonderful little old DENIAL....what a sense of the ridiculous we need to appreciate what a load of $**&^@# it really is. Now at the first sign of this foe, I am fast away, because
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by nothappy
My AH's mantra is admit nothing, deny everything and spread counter accusations. He says it all the time, as if he believes it's a good thing. I suppose it is, in the mind of a pathalogical liar.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yep, been there, done that, got the tattoo...
XAH always forbade me to discuss x,y,z with anyone, and I obeyed. I spent the last 5 years sheltering lies he told me about his life, thinking I was protecting something sacred, when it fact I was perpetuating his hold on me.
XAH always forbade me to discuss x,y,z with anyone, and I obeyed. I spent the last 5 years sheltering lies he told me about his life, thinking I was protecting something sacred, when it fact I was perpetuating his hold on me.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
ya know, if i found out my sibling, boyfriend, daughter, was "talking about me" behind my back, i'd be like "ok - so what?" we all do things we're ashamed of from time to time, and are embarrassed about, but when they are in the realm of human-type, good faith mistakes, judgement errors, i think we can just accept them for what they are.
"If it's a secret, it's not ok"
good mantra to live by.
"If it's a secret, it's not ok"
good mantra to live by.
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