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Was I Wrong??

Old 02-17-2010, 03:17 PM
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Was I Wrong??

my caps is having issues, so i apologize in advance for that! during the really difficult days with my ah i shared many things with my family and friends that had happened. i never lied, just told what was happening etc. it was never with the intent to hurt my ah, only with the intent of helping me underestand what was going on. well ah keps telling me i was wrong to do that, to take away from the person he is, that i was simply seeking validation in what i was feeling, and that i am shallow for doing that. now maybe i was seeking validation in making some of the choices i needed to make, but i never intended to detract from his person. i was simply looking for someone, anyone to listen and help me through. so was i wrong to do this or is this just another attempt at deflection from the read issues? just another atempt to make me into the bad guy?
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:40 PM
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Nope. Not in my book.
Seeking support from your friends and family is what we do in hard times, is it not?

I think that he is embarrassed of his behaviors and I know from experience that it is easier to control someone when they are tip-toeing around, trying to pacify you so you don't show your nasty self in front of God and everybody. IMO, that just adds to the darkness, shame and secrecy that accompany mistreatment and abuse.

If you told his boss or his landlord about his antics, that would be a different story.

He is blameshifting.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:53 PM
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No way were you wrong to do what you felt you needed to do to try and understand this addiction mess. What is wrong with seeking validation, if all you are seeking is some sort of proof that YOU are not going nuts, because of it?

He is in quack mode, laying his blame on you again.

know that you are ok and leave him to his quacking.

God bless
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:53 PM
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I agree with stella27. In no way are you the bad person. Everyone needs somebody to talk to. That's just human nature. It really does sound like he is just embarrassed. It's not your fault that he is the way his is. And when he does these type things you need to get it off your chest and talk to people so that you can get everything straight in your heart.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
]ah keps telling me i was wrong to do that, to take away from the person he is
Wow, you must be crazy powerful for "taking away from the person he is" :wtf2 Why doesn't he ever accuse alcohol of doing this?

Sort of sounds like this to me: "If you would just stop complaining, stop having needs, and stop reaching out to other people, I could finally relax and DRINK."
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:56 PM
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Looks like the "Don't talk, Don't tell" rules are still in effect in relationships concerning those with addictions.

You did nothing wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by dothi View Post
Wow, you must be crazy powerful for "taking away from the person he is" :wtf2 Why doesn't he ever accuse alcohol of doing this?

Sort of sounds like this to me: "If you would just stop complaining, stop having needs, and stop reaching out to other people, I could finally relax and DRINK."
Dothi! You rock! That's it!
If you would just stop having needs, I could finally be okay.

My husband says, "everything was fine - I WAS happy - before THIS (meaning the day I confronted him on lying, hiding and drinking). Umm...wait a minute. Didn't you say you were so depressed you felt you had to drink all that?
I am getting dizzy from the circles he is turning us around in!

Can I get a BLAMESHIFTING for $200, please, Alex!
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker View Post
Can I get a BLAMESHIFTING for $200, please, Alex!

And it's an audio daily double!!!!!! Congratulations, wife!!!!!!
Here's your clue:
"Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quaaaaaaaaack"

Blameshifting never gets old for active alcoholics.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:40 PM
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I wish I had a dollar for every time I used the words "but, you said.. whatever", as what I thought and believed I had heard, seen, done and understood before, was suddenly turned upside-down, inside-out, back-the-front or disappeared into Nowhere Land, becoming a non-event.

Suddenly, my brain must be playing tricks, my eyes and ears not working well and my memory was a problem.

Hmmmmm....these comments on my faculties from someone who forgot his name and address, lost 3 pairs of glasses in a week, hid hundreds of dollars and forgot where, lent out money, but how much and who to..No idea!!!

Says he used alcohol to numb pain of his past....Later on, I was the reason he drank.....I put him there.

If I was that damned powerful and God like, trust me....I would not have arthritis and old age aches and pains....and I'd have HEALED him of alcoholism, not pushed him to the pub.

Wonderful little old DENIAL....what a sense of the ridiculous we need to appreciate what a load of $**&^@# it really is. Now at the first sign of this foe, I am fast away, because

God bless
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Old 02-18-2010, 01:20 PM
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My AH's mantra is admit nothing, deny everything and spread counter accusations. He says it all the time, as if he believes it's a good thing. I suppose it is, in the mind of a pathalogical liar.
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Old 02-18-2010, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by nothappy View Post
My AH's mantra is admit nothing, deny everything and spread counter accusations. He says it all the time, as if he believes it's a good thing. I suppose it is, in the mind of a pathalogical liar.
oooooo! He straight up admits it! Well, at least he's honest (about being dishonest). You can't do too much denial with that if he admits he's a scoundrel!
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Old 02-18-2010, 01:40 PM
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Yep, been there, done that, got the tattoo...

XAH always forbade me to discuss x,y,z with anyone, and I obeyed. I spent the last 5 years sheltering lies he told me about his life, thinking I was protecting something sacred, when it fact I was perpetuating his hold on me.
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:21 PM
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nodaybut2day - I wish I could poke your XAH in the eyeballs. He sounds like a royal jerk.
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:24 PM
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So, like, if I give you his address, will you come to Montreal and do that?
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:26 PM
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Yes, I will.
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:32 PM
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Play smarter! Forfeit to his delusions and tell him that you and he are going to a counselor so he can hear with his own ears and it will be a paid professional stranger you're telling it too.....
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:38 PM
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i would also be mentallyexh dealing with a person like that.

if ONLY you were an object not a human.. LOL

if only I was a millionaire, but no, I don't get that, either !!
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Old 02-18-2010, 03:11 PM
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ya know, if i found out my sibling, boyfriend, daughter, was "talking about me" behind my back, i'd be like "ok - so what?" we all do things we're ashamed of from time to time, and are embarrassed about, but when they are in the realm of human-type, good faith mistakes, judgement errors, i think we can just accept them for what they are.

"If it's a secret, it's not ok"

good mantra to live by.
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