jennabe

Is he right? Am I wrong? Am I controlling? Is this just my pregnancy hormones? Is it all in my head and I'm being way over sensitive?

I'm going back and forth so fast that I'm going to get whip lash.

I posted here for the first time last week. After that I couldn't really bring myself to come back. I'm too confused to know what is right anymore. All I do know is that I don't want to be on this page when we are having a good day.

Here's my two previous posts in case someone gets confused.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...good-idea.html


I'm at a total lose right now. I wrote him that letter on Saturday and gave it to him since he was drinking most of the day (slowly). When I got home that evening he wasn't drinking and didn't smell like alcohol. I took that as he finished the beer, but didn't buy anymore and was going to try and be with me that night. Saturday finished well. He never mentioned the letter. On Sunday he said that he understood what I was telling him and that he would take me and baby into account before drinking so much. He didn't drink on Sunday. On Monday he said that he wanted to drink one big beer. I didn't argue of fight. I said okay. (I never asked him to stop in the letter, I asked him to stop drinking from as soon as he got home until he passes out). On Tuesday (yesterday) he said that he was going to drink two big beers and go work in the garage. He needed to be alone. He was in the garage all last week too, I never try to be near him. He knew I disagreed, but bought the beer anyway. He never brought it inside though which I still don't understand.
When we got home I asked him if he would only drink one. (It was sort of a test to see if he could and if he would respect me). He through a fit. Finally agreed and then we got in a screaming fight. He said that I'm being controlling because I'm pregnant and that it's all in my head. Yada yada yada. He spent the rest of the evening in the garage. He did leave the house once for like 5 minutes. I don't know if we went to go get a tool or more beer. I don't even know if he was drinking. After he feel asleep I went to go look for beer bottles or cans and I couldn't find anything. Including the two that I watched him buy.

Sorry that this is soooo long. I guess my question is. Is he right? Maybe this is all in my head. It's not like two big beers is gonna get him drunk or anything. Am I being stupid by arguing over it? It's not like he was drinking until he passed out. (Well not sure last night, he slept in the guest room).

That's all. I'm done. Sorry for being so selfish by disappearing for three days and then coming back with another sob story. And I mean that.

Tally

I think if YOU have a problem with his drinking then it doesn't really matter whether he has a problem with his drinking or not, it's still a problem for you. That won't go away just because he tells you you're wrong.

I think he's right to a certain degree, it's up to him what he drinks and how much. You can't control that. He's gonna do what he wants to do either way.
I've been that person, measuring how much was left in the vodka bottle and then checking it the next day...it didn't help me or him, didn't change things at all, I just immersed myself more and more into his life and forgot about doing things for me.

I think you're making things worse for yourself by monitoring him, searching for empties to validate your suspicions...what good will that do? Your just wrapping yourself up with his "problems" and making yourself feel bad. That time spent worrying and looking for empties could have been spent in the bubble bath or reading a good book.

So whether he has a problem or not, you have a problem, whats your next step?

jennabe

Ohhhhh. You are so right, but at the same time that's not what I want to hear. I want to hear, "Yes he has a problem. You are validated, NOW stop and go take a bubble bath". Or "No he doesn't have a problem, you're crazy, NOW go take a bubble bath."

You are right, that I need to "worry about me" and stop focusing my energy on him. I just wish I could find some closure on the issue first. Maybe I'll go see a movie tonight...

nodaybut2day

jennabe...please don't apologize for using this forum to vent and make sense of what's going on with your life. That's what SR is here for! I can't remember how many times I logged on, posted furiously and waited around impatiently for someone to respond to me! SR is awesome like that, because it seems like there's always someone around with wisdom to share.

Now, regarding your post. From the perspective of an outsider who's only read your post and doesn't know your life at all...you last post is almost all about HIM, HIS actions, HIS words, HIS drinking (a little more, a little less, etc etc). Is that apparent?

You have communicated your discomfort with his drinking; he barely acknowledges this and goes right on drinking. So obviously the strategy isn't working.

In a theoretical sense, you are being controlling, but not in the negative way he associates it with...you are simply doing what ALL of us have done time and time again: you are trying to influence/control the behaviour of an alcoholic, by talking, reasoning, demanding, begging, raging, etc. It doesn't work, does it? Eventually, it becames apparent that "We didn't CAUSE it, we can't CURE it, and we can't CONTROL it".

So, what's left is you and your lovely little baby that's cooking inside you. THAT's worth focusing on.

If/when your boyfriend finds recovery, that'll be HIS battle. In the meantime, let's talk about YOU!! Howsit going today? How far along are you again? What are your plans for the birth?

jennabe

Wow you made me cry.

He's my husband by the way, I'm not sure if it even matters, but it does to me because it makes me feel more stuck.

Me...

Well I'll be 20 weeks on Friday so I'm five months along. I found out last week that we are having a boy so I super excited about that. He's already a mover and a shaker. I didn't know that babies could kick so hard this early. I'm having a natural home/water birth with a midwife. It's an experience that I'm really excited about and I can't wait to meet my little man. All the other women are telling me I'm nuts for looking forward to labor though.

Thanks for asking. I actually tend to talk about this pregnancy a little too much with everyone. I'm just really excited.

stella27

Boy or girl?
Have you chosen a name yet?
It's lovely to have a summer baby - you will not be nearly as cooped-up as you would with a winter baby.

nodaybut2day

Yay for natural homebirth and waterbirth!! I *SO* envy you. Had mine in the hospital, but it wasn't too bad.

If I may make a recommendation that's totally off topic...try Hypnobabies! You're only 20 weeks along so there's tons of time to buy the program and start the daily practices. It's awesome and it's what got me through 20 hrs of labor/2 hrs of pushing with no pain meds (had to be induced with pit, but only had a 3 hr course and then it was "au naturel").

Yay for babies! You'd better post some pics of your yummy little one when he comes along so we can all coo and drool

Chrysalis123

I read a couple of excellent books that helped me clarify my thinking. One was, "How Alanon Works" and my library had it.

The second was "Getting then Sober" a series of books by Toby Rice Drews. Some chapters are online and my library also had them. The title is a trick because the books are not about getting anyone sober. They are about us.

Congrats on your son!!!!!!!! I have 2 kids and I remember how exciting the pregnancies were.

jennabe

It's a boy. We haven't chosen a name yet. The list keeps getting longer instead of shorter.

BuffaloGal

It isn't in your head one bit-- trust yourself Oh, and labor isn't necessarily as bad as it's cracked up to be. My daughter was born after 4 hours of labor and about 10 minutes of pushing and I thought, "That's it?!!"

Anyway, on your original question: my daughter witnessed a similar fight between her alcoholic dad and his girlfriend, and asked me who was right and who was wrong.

This is what I told her: I think they're both wrong. The girlfriend has no right to tell him what to do. He's an adult, and free to choose to drink if that's what he wants. But, his drinking hurts you and [Girlfriend's name], and that's wrong as well.

I want her to be realistic about her dad's drinking and understand that it isn't okay, but I don't want her to learn to get sucked into attempting to regulate what someone else is doing-- that's a guaranteed dead end course of action. The only thing it accomplishes is to make the person trying it miserable. None of us deserve that.

nodaybut2day

Buffalogal...I bow down to your wisdom in raising your daughter. I can only have to have the same instinct when my little one is old enough to understand the disease that is her father's alcoholism.

FindingPeace1

You know 2 great books:
Painless childbirth which takes you through exercises to resolve your issues and be present for your baby in a healthy way and
Birthing from Within which has art activities to process pregnancy and birth.

I would suggest reading or rereading Co No More. You're the classic case (like most of us) of ignoring your own needs and trying to change him.

Stop testing him by asking him to cut down or stop at a certain point.
Stop checking on him by looking for empties.

It's important to express your feelings (I don't like when you...it makes me feel...); you have done that.

He doesn't want to stop.

That's a load of crap, isn't it? That's the part that is SO HARD to accept. Even if it's important to you! DANG IT!!

But, he doesn't.

So leave him be about it. Know he doesn't want to stop. Know he IS drinking. Know he is covert because you don't like it.

Now, you. What is your bottom line?

This is where I flounder. I am afraid to set one for fear he will cross it or not accept it and then I have to TAKE ACTION! But nothing is going to magically change in this situation - yours or mine! At what point do we stop waiting around and hoping for changing or trying to force HIM to change? When do we say, "Okay, self! I GIVE! You have VALID needs and wants and I am going to STOP ignoring them and listen to you! I am going to give you voice! I am going to face you. You DESERVE my respect. I have been disrespecting you and IGNORING you. I am stopping. I am here. What do you need to be happy? You deserve happiness.

What is your bottom line/minimum standards? What do you absolutely need or not want to be happy and feel honored and treated justly?
Have you journaled on it? Have you meditated on it?
You have a right to draw a line. You have a right to say, "I will not tolerate... or I deserve..."
That's the next step.

Hugs,
w

Bernadette

jennabe-
I grew up watching my mom try and monitor/control/count my father's alcohol consumption. Never made a damn bit of difference to him except more stuff for them to fight about. Made my mother absolutely BONKERS! Ruined some of her very best qualities. Her controlling obsession combined with the denial that is the bread and butter in alcoholic families has led to her not having an authentic relationship with any of her children, to this day.

They had 5 children together. He drank until I was 15, he was 45. Then he got into AA and got sober and recovered. He told me many years later that the day he finally called the AA number was just another hungover day - not one of his worst days, he was just done, he was ready to change. My mom had given him a scrap of paper with the local AA number on it seven years before that. He saved it. It took him 25 years of drinking to decide he had enough. And that day - even if he didn't have the number in his dresser he would have found that number (anyone can find it - easy as pie - first tel number in any phone book!!) because he wanted help and he wanted to change.

He changed and grew into a very different man, very balanced and accessible and loving. My mom never changed her ways - she's as nutty and controlling as ever to this day - now she's actively enabling my youngest A brother. Nightmare.

I feel bad for her because she did suffer all the hell that the spouse of the A suffers, but because she never took action, never took care of herself, she is just still so unhealthy and codependent in all situations. And still resents not getting any "credit" for all she endured!

So all that to point out that you might really want to focus 100% on you and your son and leave AH to whatever his destiny may be. Break out of the denial and be in reality so that you can be there authentically for your child, you will never regret that!

peace-
b


P.S. Both my kids born at home w/ a CNM many moons ago. Was great, Here's to a speedy and wonderful labor and birth when the time comes. However babies come to us they are a life-changer!!

Learn2Live

No, he is not "right." Yes, you are COMPLETELY justified in thinking and feeling what you think and feel. Now go take a bubble bath. If you want to find some sanity, llearn about this disease and how people with it think, act, and interact with others. Go to the library and get some books on alcoholism. And go to Al-Anon. Take care.

keithj

This is the most pertinent and meaningful observation I've seen in this forum. There is all kinds of advice given about how to detatch from the alcoholic, but here lies the real issue. The alcoholic is not the problem.

It's just like the alkie who thinks the bottle is his problem. They put down the bottle and are just as sick and insane as ever. Getting rid of the alcoholic may provide some relief for a while, but the insanity and sickness is still there, regardless of what (or who) caused it.

Recovery is about dealing with that sickness.

jennabe

Wow. Thank ALL of you guys. Really. Today has been a real eye opener for me. I've done some research and learning about things that I never knew existed. I'm not sure what my boundaries are just yet, or what I will do when they ere crossed, but I know that I need to do some soul searching and find out. I learned that I need to disconnect for MY sanity. I learned that when it come down to it, it doesn't matter if I'm right around about his alcoholism, because even if I am right I wouldn't be able to change. Understanding that gives me just a little piece. Starting today I'm going to do my best to relax and focus on me and my boy. My husband is an adult and if this is what he is going to do it's not my place to control it. More important, I can't control it. I know that I'm going to mess up. And I know that I'm going to get upset and angry and sad, and I know that I might catch myself looking for the beer, ect. But at least I have a starting point and I can hopefully find the self control not to. Knowing whether or not he is stoned or drank last night won't change the fact that he's doing it. It will only upset me. Bernadette - I see what you are saying. My good qualities are disappearing and I'm turning into this controlling person. This isn't the person that I want to be. I can kind of see how monitoring my husband is becoming my own addiction.

Thanks every last one of you!!!!! This is me making an honest effort.

FindingPeace1

I like the quote from Avatar: Mother Nature doesn't pick sides. She's only interested in the balance of nature.

I think about that in terms of my AH. Is he wrong? Am I right?
Maybe neither. There is a balance. Maybe there needs to be hims out there doing his thing and mes out there doing my thing and all I have to do is figure out if his thing jives with my thing. Does that make sense?
Somehow, that perspective on it comforts me.

Hugs,
w

I think you're great!

jennabe

It does make sense. I can't say that I always like the truth, but it does make sense.

BTW... I meant to tell you that I like your Gandhi quote. It's one of my personal favorites.

FindingPeace1

:ghug3

Gold

Very cool
Thats what I do for a living. Homebirth midwife
Thats awesome!!