FindingPeace1

I think If you are sitting back (in a detached way) and not letting his drinking and smoking cause a reaction in you, you shouldn't be building resentment. The resentment is from attachment.
That is not to say if you learn detaching, you are not still headed for divorce. You may or may not be.

I think, often, the path goes:

1. Spouse drinks, etc. and we feel awful/try to change them (we can and do return to this step at any stage)

2. We learn about detaching and begin trying to AS WELL AS we stop trying to change them (this step is often long and riddled with drama, setbacks, hopelessness and self-doubt)

3. We begin to define ourselves (with many setbacks, as we fear the outcome and necessary changes which come from self-definition)

4. We find all that upset was coming from our needs that we were ignoring (this is where the responsibility - not self-blame- comes into play)

5. We find the strength to make the list of deal breakers/needs/bottom lines/things we won't tolerate/things we deserve (and hopefully have a "if this does not get met" or "if this line is crossed" I will... list accompanying it)

6. We finally admit the list to ourselves and maybe our partners.

7. We find our partners are crossing our (newly discovered) boundaries

8. We resolve ourselves to do the "if this does not get met" or "if this line is crossed" I will...step. (I think, for some people, this entails more minor things like leaving the room or asking the person to leave and some people just stay here, doing these things whenever they need to while they stay with their alcoholic partner. Whereas for others, the "I will" entails leaving the partnership or divorce)

9. Lastly, our partners either stay the same or change.
Ideally, it doesn't matter so much because WE have changed and will care for and respect ourselves whether our partners ever learn to or not.

That's just my take.

My point is, whether you end up divorced or not, I think, is ultimately irrelevant. I say that with all the gravitas it deserves, since I am sitting at the edge of #5, knowing the implications. But if we are honoring our own needs and taking responsibility for getting them met, HOWEVER we do that is how we need to do it.

We may need to sacrifice our marriage on the alter of our self respect.

I'm tripping myself out! Deep...but true.

We are worth it. Even a marriage is not as important as our self respect. If it has to go...it has to go.

And then again, maybe it doesn't. But if truly listen to ourselves and honor our needs, that will determine itself.

Hugs,
w

iwantcontrol

wife - those steps are very helpful, thanks. I'm stuck in the beginning of step 2, and keep returning to step 1! I'm going to print that list out and remind myself what i'm working towards.

Gold

Hang in there iwantcontrol. It is quite a process isn't it?

For me the greatest realisation were the 3 C's. Once I allowed myself to let go of responsibility for my XAP the process became a little easier. Still hard but in life for me the greatest lessons have been what is or is not my problem , is or is not mine to own and control.


We can only choose to control our own emotions, decisions, and lives.


WOW just imagine how much time energy, head space and committment to your own life you will have once you have freed yourself from pouring so much into him and his problems.

My XAP is living in a spare room in this house as he prepares to move out. The relationship has ended. And even though he is here each evening already I feel so free and have hours of free headspace because he is no longer my problem. Correction I no longer allow him to be my problem.
I dont have to listen to his quacking
My daughter aged 15 and I go on dates,
I walk on the beach alone calmly,
I read when and what I want,
I cook what and when I want.
I dont have his mess to clean up.
I dont have to sleep with anyone who smells reeeeally bad and have sex with someone I am no longer attracted to..
My money is MY money.
I have concentration and energy for work.
I am excited anticipating how much better again it will be when he does move out.

Jadmack25

When I went NC while my ABF was on a binge, and kept out of the way when he detoxed alone at home, for the first time without me being there,...it was a long, scary time for me. I had to force myself to stop worrying, wondering and projecting scenarios.

I had spent so many years with him and his alcoholism as my main focus, that I had almost lost the ability to focus on anything else, including me.

I used meditation, counselling, self hypnosis, prayer, read all I could get hold of about addiction, SR forums, and pushed myself to do something to pamper me each day.

I gave him 15 minutes of my thoughts and prayer each morning, afternoon and at night and when he popped into my mind at any other time, I told myself it wasn't his time yet and did something that took up energy and thought.

Hell it was hard, but it worked at last.

Keep at it, as it does get easier........eventually.

God bless

RiseUp

I struggle with this issue too, sometimes I just take it one hour at a time.

Unfortunately, I have a young baby with my AH and have to literally buy some time before I can divorce him (I moved to the other side of the country to get away from him). I feel like I have to keep some communication going so i know where he is to get him served-talk about terrorism, but anyway start setting your boundaries. I started with no response to phone calls, then texts, then when I have to I talk, I will, but it is on my terms, and I stick to the subject (i.e. paying bills) if I don't have to, I don't.

I have calmed down a lot and have actually been able to get some sort of sleep, can work on myself and am much more level headed. You CAN do it!

meonlyme

I understand and recognize myself in this post. I'm not used to the feeling of detachment, it almosts feels as if I'm being selfish, even though I know I'm not. I know it's not selfish to take care of ourselves as we learn to balance detachment with indifference. I's like learning a new habit and unlearning an old one.
Indifference to me. requires some thought processes that may include 'faking it until me make it" seeming not to care, even when we know we do, where detachment is more like avoidance of any emotional involvement and withdrawing from the person and their life.
Indifference seems more difficult to me, because I haven't won any Emmy's yet. These are feelings I'm not real well acquainted with.
I think it's important to remember it's up to us to make the decision to 'NOT' keep doing the dance with the alcoholic. We can still love them, even if we choose to 'detach and/or apply indifference'. We have a choice, whether to participate in their dance..... or not.
In the end, it's " do we, or don't we?"
If we do stay in the dance, then it's our decision and we shouldn't feel victimized.
It seems to me, that most alcoholics are unable or unwilling, to live in the present. Their inability to deal with NOW, keeps us in their clutches, therefore, detatchment seems to be the only way for me to face my NOW and detach from their NOW. (what did I just say?)
Being as co-dependent as I am, losing control over someone else and gaining self-control over myself, is a HUGE,...... did I say H U G E???? thing for me to grasp and hold on to

kia

i think im hovering round about 5 atm sometimes up to 7 then back to 5 but im further than i thought i wou1d be xxkia