Lotus2009

Sorry, this is somewhat of a vent. I just had to witness (through the locked bedroom door) AH making a total a$$ out of himself in front of his friends (a couple). He usually doesn't have friends over the house - but did invite a couple that he knows from work (restaurant job) over for some beers tonight - just as I was getting ready to go to bed (but that's another story). I locked the bedroom door (because he had been drinking most of the day) and turned my sound machine on trying to go to sleep. Couldn't sleep, so I went online. Around 1 am I heard a loud noise - turned sound machine off and listened to what was going on. AH had fallen and the couple was trying to help him up (nothing new, but he usually doesn't get that wasted at the bar, so I doubt any of his "new" friends have seen him this bad). He got up, there were lots of laughs, and then the conversation turned bad - he ranted about all the things that p*ss him off (racial stereotyping) and turn him on (sexually) - the couple tried to reason with him trying to turn it into a somewhat normal conversation... but of course there is no reasoning with a drunk alcoholic. The lady friend ended up getting really uncomfortable and several minutes later they left. I am going back and forth between feeling embarrassed for him (I know those feelings belong to HIM, NOT ME), and wanting to text the couple to tell them "see... maybe it's not such a good idea to go out to the bar with an alcoholic and further support his addiction... tonight was nothing compared to the things I've seen" (that's the anger in me wanting to let the rest of the world know all the s**t I have seen and heard him do - wanting validation from others that he isn't the funny, charming person that the rest of the world tends to see him as). AAHHHH, of course I know I shouldn't do any of this.... these are his feelings and his issues and his friends - all none of my business!!!

P.S. Sorry really just a vent - I know I don't need to put up with all this if I don't want to... I can leave, move out, move one, etc. I know this is not what I want for the rest of my life and I am really working on myself and trying to figure out what I want to do. But I just had a ridiculously emotionally-draining day today and was starting to slip into depressive, self-loathing mode, pulled myself almost out of it, and then this - really just needed to complain a bit - sorry!

Gold

No need to apologise. Vent away.
its all stuff we have lived with to vary degrees so understand what you are saying.

You are right. You do have choices. How much longer do you want to live this life?
Hugs


You dont drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

transformyself

First of all, Ew. This reminds me of the times I've seen AH do similar things. It's bizarre, so bizarre that I think I try to tuck it away and say, "oh, that didn't happen." Ah, denial. It works because it's so helpful!

But what's even more helpful than denying a situation is acceptance. Acceptance is my friend today. I admit something, accept it, then and only then can I learn a lesson and change my life.

This really struck a chord with me. When I was living with AH, I had to work very hard, every day to not slip into depressive, self loathing mode. In fact, I wasn't able to for loooooong periods of time.

I blamed myself, of course. Boy that pi$$es me off now. (Hey I like the replacement letter trick that lets us sort of swear here, thanks for that tip) That I gladly took all that shame and guilt on when HE was making his choices. I gave up my right to make choices about my life because I was too focused on his.

Now that I no longer live with AH, I still can slip into that self blame mode, but I recognize it pretty quickly and work to let it go. It doesn't help, isn't necessary and only hurts me. But while living with AH, I wasn't able to do it. It was like I carried a back of rocks around on my back.

Thanks for your honesty Norma. I wish you a quick recover and the courage to change the things you can. You can do it!

stella27

They're not very attractive when drunk, are they?
I am glad that you have a plan in place - lock the bedroom door, noise machine, not engaging with him.
Vent away!

Lotus2009

Thanks all!!!

I know, I know - it's time for some action! I have already been doing a lot of non-engaging stuff though - to the point where we hardly interact anymore! So I am really trying to stay off the merry-go-round. I think I am making progress - slowly but surely. I came here last night, posted and gave it all over to him! I know I will eventually be moving out, but I have given myself until the end of our lease - a few more months (That's my plan - let's hope I will stick to it! I'm working up to it - sorry I know some of you might wish I would move on already - but I gotta take baby steps). Thanks again for reading my vent! Going to yoga now yay!

Lotus2009

oh and next time I will NOT turn my sound machine off to see what's going on. Ha

Live

LOL..and prying my foot out of my mouth...
you will be ready to make whatever changes you have made when the time is right for you.
For a minute there I imagined him on the floor and his butt looked like a dart board.

wicked

transformyself,

uh, wow! thank you. very much. again, wow.

wicked

good idea lotus2009.
oh my, the things i heard when i got sober and he didn't.
geez, i was ashamed of him, and myself. glad to let it go.
take your baby steps, i think you are doing great.
beth

Lotus2009

LOL - Live! Thx for reminding me to keep my humor

Thanks - Wicked and congrats on your sobriety

Live

well, but ya see I am no good at throwing darts...I would probably miss the target center....is that a mistake or isn't it!!! BWAHAHAHAHA
LIVE ONE INCOMING>>>>>>CROSS YOUR LEGS

Lotus2009

HAHAHA ... well practice makes perfect... OUCH!

Live

whassup tonight? you having a good day/evening? I ruined my so called-diet by eating chocolate ice cream with fudge topping. Lost 5 pounds last month..two weeks into this one I gained 3.2.....going to have to do more of those chair aerobics! roll eyes

Lotus2009

yup... went to yoga today - always a mood-booster and I think I let all my frustration out in my post last night

yummy... chocolate ice cream AND fudge... I love, love, love chocolate! Sorry it's messing up your diet, BUT life without chocolate would be no fun! Wow, I really suck at giving dietary advice, huh?!
Maybe I should try to motivate you: keep on doing those chair exercises ....1,2,3... you're doing great....4,5,6... keep one going!
Ha, or how about you do the chair exercises first and chocolate could be your reward afterwards - nope, I think I'm back at giving bad advice again. I really need to get some sleep - it's getting late! Have a good night!

Live

I like your kind of diet!!! I want YOU for my coach!
SWEET Dreams

Whadahay

Good for you for not engaging in his drunken "show" for his friends. You stayed in your room and kept your boundaries! He'll dig his own hole and one of these times, he'll fall in and down to the bottom. You took care of yourself. Venting helps. You can vent here. Which is nice. I will never shame you. You'll get to that point and do what you need to do when it is your time. Later, you will probably say to yourself that you wish you had taken action sooner.

It is the alcohol. He is still a child of God. And he is a good person. It is the alcohol. You can pray that he searches out for help one of these days - sooner, rather than later.

You owned yourself tonight. Good for you!