Starting Over - Day One NC
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Starting Over - Day One NC
He called in the middle of the night last night, so I know he's drinking again. He left a text this morning saying that he loves me and hates himself. So for sure he's drinking again.
I'm feeling super down and broken hearted today. I feel sad and worried for him and for me.
Today it's not hard to NOT talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. He makes me feel so bad. Still feel like hiding.
I'm feeling super down and broken hearted today. I feel sad and worried for him and for me.
Today it's not hard to NOT talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. He makes me feel so bad. Still feel like hiding.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling 
He called in the middle of the night last night, so I know he's drinking again. He left a text this morning saying that he loves me and hates himself. So for sure he's drinking again.
I'm feeling super down and broken hearted today. I feel sad and worried for him and for me.
Today it's not hard to NOT talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. He makes me feel so bad. Still feel like hiding.
I'm feeling super down and broken hearted today. I feel sad and worried for him and for me.
Today it's not hard to NOT talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. He makes me feel so bad. Still feel like hiding.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Hang in there KP. I am still swimming but seem to stop for some back-pedalling here and there. That part sucks but I do feel I am making progress and so are you. Be proud of yourself for how far you have come. You might not be where you want to be but you certainly are not where you were a few months ago either. Progress, progress, progress. The water can be a tricky place at times.
Hey, where is our lifeboat anyways??? Oh ya, it stopped by to get ME but I wouldn't get on.......
:ghug3:ghug3
Hey, where is our lifeboat anyways??? Oh ya, it stopped by to get ME but I wouldn't get on.......
:ghug3:ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
When we got back together last time, he told me that while he was drinking (for that two months we were apart), he was having "dark" thoughts. Then he elaborated by telling me he thought about jumping off the top of his apartment building. He also talked about how it would have been better for him if I hadn't left.
How do you know if someone is telling the truth or just being manipulative?
How do you know if someone is telling the truth or just being manipulative?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There's a word for this. It's called blackmail. And it's what abusers do when they lose, or think they might lose, their punching bag. I heard it all too. It's designed to hook us in and make us feel....well...exactly what you're feeling now.
Do you want to stay with an abuser for the rest of your life because of a choice they MIGHT make for themself? Sacrifice any peace or self-respect or joy you might have -- for the next 40, 50, 60 years, until you die a broken woman yourself -- because someone else refuses to get help for themself?
KP, we are not responsible for anyone except ourselves and our minor children.
If he threatens suicide, I advise you to call the police and have them go to his house. That will either save his life (on the tiny chance he's serious) or will make him stop blackmailing you.
Can you block his number and his texts? Can you see how NOT doing that is sucking you back down into your addiction to him, keeping you in perpetual withdrawal symptoms?
Do you want to stay with an abuser for the rest of your life because of a choice they MIGHT make for themself? Sacrifice any peace or self-respect or joy you might have -- for the next 40, 50, 60 years, until you die a broken woman yourself -- because someone else refuses to get help for themself?
KP, we are not responsible for anyone except ourselves and our minor children.
If he threatens suicide, I advise you to call the police and have them go to his house. That will either save his life (on the tiny chance he's serious) or will make him stop blackmailing you.
Can you block his number and his texts? Can you see how NOT doing that is sucking you back down into your addiction to him, keeping you in perpetual withdrawal symptoms?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Hi GiveLove. He hasn't threatened suicide this time. It's just something I think about when he's off drinking. Maybe thats why he said it.
I called about having his number and texts blocked, but I'd have to sign up for some plan that will raise my bill. The best I can do there is have my friends call and fill up my voicemail box so no one can leave messages.
It's so awful how he makes me feel. It's awful of him to treat people that way. To be so emotionally manipulative.
I called about having his number and texts blocked, but I'd have to sign up for some plan that will raise my bill. The best I can do there is have my friends call and fill up my voicemail box so no one can leave messages.
It's so awful how he makes me feel. It's awful of him to treat people that way. To be so emotionally manipulative.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yes it is. 
Many of the reactions you're having right now are just habits, disguised as love in your heart. Guilt. Sickness over how you were treated. Damage. Fear of change. Romantic fantasy of how things "would" be....if he were just a completely different kind of person. These things are not love...try your best to keep them separated in your mind, KP.
Remember too: HALT. You're recovering from a drug right now. Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Try to keep your mind and body busy all the time, and surround yourself with healthy people so that his sick manipulation stands out in sharp contrast.
It is a journey, and we are here with you on it.
Many of the reactions you're having right now are just habits, disguised as love in your heart. Guilt. Sickness over how you were treated. Damage. Fear of change. Romantic fantasy of how things "would" be....if he were just a completely different kind of person. These things are not love...try your best to keep them separated in your mind, KP.
Remember too: HALT. You're recovering from a drug right now. Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Try to keep your mind and body busy all the time, and surround yourself with healthy people so that his sick manipulation stands out in sharp contrast.
It is a journey, and we are here with you on it.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
He's quacking BECAUSE you are pedalling, and he is desperate.
Just block his whining from your mind, keep head down, bum up and legs spinning.
There are lots of us riding with you.
God bless
Just block his whining from your mind, keep head down, bum up and legs spinning.
There are lots of us riding with you.
God bless
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
and as someone said above....remember how far you have come!...it is hard, some days are easier than others, some days it totally sucks but as many wise people above have said take one day at a time and just keep taking those steps.
Sometimes we forget how far we have actually come.....I have done just that this last week but for today I feel I am back on the right road again. Keep posting, keep reading and keep stepping forward. Take Care Phiz :0)
Sometimes we forget how far we have actually come.....I have done just that this last week but for today I feel I am back on the right road again. Keep posting, keep reading and keep stepping forward. Take Care Phiz :0)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi KP!! I am you one year and a few months later.
IT GETS INCREDIBLY BETTER !!
It gets sooooooooooooooooo much better...
Imagine you are walking to a beautiful house... you open a door, and there is a room filled with gifts in all sizes and colors and shapes for you... now walk to other rooms and see all the others are filled with MORE gifts.. and when you pay attention to one, others appear magically !! and all say "for KP"... then you go out of the house and gifts are on your garden and street and EVERYWHERE... that is the journey you are embarked on.
I feel so incredibly grateful I am almost in tears. For meeting the alcoholic, because there were really good times I enjoyed with all my heart and that is what matters really, not if the other was there or not or felt or not felt whatever. For having the resolve and courage to leave... for having "new" wonderful friends in SR that get it and stick with me no matter what...... and now for having faith again, for knowing I am strong and independent... for being able to admire my good traits with humility but also with honesty for the first time in 28 years... for believing in my dreams and my good heart once again, for waking up hopeful and happy and grateful for being alive.
Toxic people become less and less important until they no longer exist in your life!
I have had a front road to ex due to working together and in a small space......... since he promised the stars, since we dreamed together, since we moved in together, since the abuse started, since I realized he has a problem that is very real. Since he picked up fights and hurt me a great deal. Since he flirted with someone while we were still together, since I left the house, since I saw him dating that someone right away, since he laughed and arrived with the same clothes and bed hair and the biggest smile ever and I knew what he had done the night before and with whom and in which bed.... since I went no contact, since we have interacted due to work, since he roams talking about videogames and bars, since we pass each other like ships in the night... since he moves with that someone and places a big picture of them in his place. I have lived all that and envy the ones who really don't know about the ex's again! when I read about them wondering what the ex's are doing.... well.. if they are anything like XABF, they are drinking the same or more, not giving a damn, using ppl and nothing at all has changed and if it has changed its for the worse.
I am not saying "I suffer more than you" or anything like that.. my point is even with his drinking or not, thoughts acts words whatever, if he had Corn Flakes for breakfast or not... I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!!! granted not always and many times things still get me but I hope soon you realize ITS NOT UP TO HIM. IT REALLY IS NOT!!!! nothing that is worth is up to him!! when it sinks in its sooooooo great!! I know you will become stronger from all this. You made the right decision leaving Hell.
Are you reading any recovery book??
IT GETS INCREDIBLY BETTER !!
It gets sooooooooooooooooo much better...
Imagine you are walking to a beautiful house... you open a door, and there is a room filled with gifts in all sizes and colors and shapes for you... now walk to other rooms and see all the others are filled with MORE gifts.. and when you pay attention to one, others appear magically !! and all say "for KP"... then you go out of the house and gifts are on your garden and street and EVERYWHERE... that is the journey you are embarked on.
I feel so incredibly grateful I am almost in tears. For meeting the alcoholic, because there were really good times I enjoyed with all my heart and that is what matters really, not if the other was there or not or felt or not felt whatever. For having the resolve and courage to leave... for having "new" wonderful friends in SR that get it and stick with me no matter what...... and now for having faith again, for knowing I am strong and independent... for being able to admire my good traits with humility but also with honesty for the first time in 28 years... for believing in my dreams and my good heart once again, for waking up hopeful and happy and grateful for being alive.
Toxic people become less and less important until they no longer exist in your life!
I have had a front road to ex due to working together and in a small space......... since he promised the stars, since we dreamed together, since we moved in together, since the abuse started, since I realized he has a problem that is very real. Since he picked up fights and hurt me a great deal. Since he flirted with someone while we were still together, since I left the house, since I saw him dating that someone right away, since he laughed and arrived with the same clothes and bed hair and the biggest smile ever and I knew what he had done the night before and with whom and in which bed.... since I went no contact, since we have interacted due to work, since he roams talking about videogames and bars, since we pass each other like ships in the night... since he moves with that someone and places a big picture of them in his place. I have lived all that and envy the ones who really don't know about the ex's again! when I read about them wondering what the ex's are doing.... well.. if they are anything like XABF, they are drinking the same or more, not giving a damn, using ppl and nothing at all has changed and if it has changed its for the worse.
I am not saying "I suffer more than you" or anything like that.. my point is even with his drinking or not, thoughts acts words whatever, if he had Corn Flakes for breakfast or not... I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!!! granted not always and many times things still get me but I hope soon you realize ITS NOT UP TO HIM. IT REALLY IS NOT!!!! nothing that is worth is up to him!! when it sinks in its sooooooo great!! I know you will become stronger from all this. You made the right decision leaving Hell.
Are you reading any recovery book??
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Den Mother checking in....still no contact today? I won't ask again! 
What helped me most was coming here and counting my days of "sobriety" of no contact. Every day I checked in and posted my number. It was the trick for me...by the time I got to 30 I didn't need to do it anymore.
And I wasn't about to blow my count!
What helped me most was coming here and counting my days of "sobriety" of no contact. Every day I checked in and posted my number. It was the trick for me...by the time I got to 30 I didn't need to do it anymore.
And I wasn't about to blow my count!
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