spedteach

Hi all,
I was doing okay until I walked in the door about 1/2 an hour ago. My ah calls me and asks me what plans we have tonight, I said UM...none. He says good, he's going to shot pool with his buddies from work..at the local bar right near his work. I didn't over react, I said okay, have fun and he says, well I need money and I said, I already went to the bank and he says well, I'll go to the one out here and get more..I said, no, we have less then $100 to last the week now due to some big bills and his golf tournament this weekend..so he couldn't take anymore out...he has money here. He was like, what am I supposed to do? I said, I don't know...well, I know that he wanted me to offer to bring him his money which I didn't. He did say he has to work tomorrow. Well, I guess I just need to get this out...even though I KNOW it's HIS problem, I just had this gut feeling that he'd live large this weekend and go partying..well, he's proving me right and I feel like bawling! I won't let it ruin my weekend, but I am major emotional right now (does starting my period today help either??) and I feel let down..I guess I feel like the whole damn thing is starting all over again..I feel so...I don't even know what the word is to describe how I feel....I will get to an alanon meeting, but right now, this is my only outlet you know? I guess it's the same silly questions going on over and over again...why?? Why does he do this? I've laid down my boundaries and I see that he is heading right towards every single one of them...he very well might come home after drinking one or two beers..especially since he has to work tomorrow...but I still feel very let down..WHY? It's HIS choice to drink..NOT mine!! He has to live HIS life..I can't do it for him...he's not doing this to me...I am beating myself up, while he's out having a good ole' time...I guess what burns me up is that all week he's been VERY cool towards me..I mean VERY and he's not taken his meds so I saw this coming..I can always see his binges coming...but I guess a part of me still hoped it wouldn't happen...but here it is and the only one that is upset is me!!! I need to get this out of my system before he gets home, because I REALLY want to SCREAM some nasty words in his face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm feeling a bit better...anyone know why I'm so darned upset at this damn cycle for starting up again?? I know I can't control him..I don't want to control him...I want to control ME and I feel like right now, I am not in control...that's a scary feeling! My goal, when he is going through his binge is to let him do what he choses to do as long as it doesn't hurt him, me or our son, or anyone else for that matter...I treat him exactly as I would if he weren't drinking and I TRY to walk away from him when he's picking an argument with me..but he likes to follow me..so I ignore him and he stops For me, I have a tendancy in telling him what he's doing wrong and I know he thinks that's talking down to him...so I REALLY work on NOT reacting because that makes me feel better and I think it concerns him because I've always been one of those people, if I yell and scream, you'll know that I am okay, but when I am quiet, look out. I just don't get how he can go from doing well for 3 1/2 + months on his meds to all of the sudden snapping and completely stopping his meds and picking up again but I suppose it's not for me to understand Boy,do I sound like a babbling idiot! I hope that I am just over reacting right now and that tonight doesn't turn into be a major drinkfest for him and a rough night at home! Well, if this makes any sense to any of you..thanks for reading it and allowing me to blow off some steam...it always helps and this is more constructive then saying anything to him when he's in this frame of mind...he has it in him that NO ONE will tell HIM what to do! or eating everything in site I'd just regain the weight I lost anyhow! So much for running tonight, my 4 year old can't run a 1/2 mile, so there's no way he'll want to run 2 miles! I guess there's tomorrow!
I hope you all have a wonderful evening! I'll be back later!

Petunia

Spedteach,

Good job at using your resources. Call an Al-Anon friend tonight and talk to them. Use all the resources you have. Your 4 y/o can't run but can walk - why not take a nice LONG walk (best exercise around) and say the serenity prayer. I think you have said it before and it works.

Challenge is here and this is your time to shine and show your child what being a healthy Mom is. Do your own thing and keep focus on YOU - why? b/c YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Do one good thing for yourself tonight - you have earned it - if for no other reason than you are the one person you can rely on today to be gentle with you and treat you well.

You are in my thoughts -

Praying for a good weekend for you and your kids -

Petunia

Petunia

Spedteach,

One more - this is one of today's readings -

Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 9/26

When I first came to Al-Anon, I thought that anger, resentment, jealousy, and fear were “bad” feelings. The program has helped me to learn that feelings are neither good nor bad—they are simply a part of who I am.

I have come to realize that good has sometimes come as a result of those feelings. Anger has prompted some constructive changes in my life. Resentment has made me so uncomfortable that I’ve had to learn to combat it—as a result, I have learned to pray for other people. Jealousy has taught me to keep my mouth shut when I know I will say only irrational, destructive things. And fear has been perhaps my greatest gift, because it forces me to make conscious contact with my Higher Power.

Now that the negative has become the positive, I am better able to accept the whole picture. There is no more need to judge or hate myself just because I experience a human feeling.

Today’s Reminder

Feelings may not be comfortable, but that doesn’t make them bad. With a change of attitude, I have choices about what to do with my feelings. Anything can be used for my good if I allow it. Recognizing this opportunity may take every ounce of imagination I have, but maybe that’s why God gave me imagination to begin with.

“My feelings are neither right nor wrong but are important by virtue of being mine.”

…In All Our Affairs

jojo

Speedtech -

When you are married to a binger, you tend to let your guard down when things are going well and think after a few months that - hey, maybe this time things will be OK.

Since alcoholism is a progressive illness - as explained to me by a counseller they pick up right where they left off on the Iast binge, no starting from scratch, they pick up at the point they were at when they stopped - I wonder if our reactions to the binger aren't also progressive. I picked up right where my feelings left off at the end of the last binge. When I discovered that he was drinking I was instantly angry, etc. - no build up. I am so angry with him for being so weak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my opinion, he doesn't even try not to drink. Although today I have been nothing but pleasant to him. I'm not going to argue with him. I just don't want anything to do with him.

Unfortunately, we can't keep him or anyone else (but ourselves and kids) safe from him. That also is my biggest fear. Isn't it great that we have this place to come to so that we can get the anger and the fear out? I swear there are times that I would go nuts without it. Sorry, I don't have any advice but did want you to know that I know just how you feel and am sorry that you too are having to go through it - again.

Hugs, Jo

spedteach

Thanks JoJo and Petunia,
Your words help and it's nice to know that I'm not alone...
This morning, I am presented with a whole different feeling...a feel of betrayal?? jealousy?? I'm not sure, perhaps a combination of the 2. He got home after 1..I know because with the weather changing, I've been sleeping with the window open and his truck is a V8 so it's not exactly quiet. Anyhow, I asked him this morning if he had fun and he said yes. I asked where he went and he said all over. I asked with who and he said he's not telling me because I'll end up hating them like I do everyone else he goes out with. (Just a side note, no I don't hate the people, he just chooses to hang out with people that are over 10 years younger then us, unmarried guys with no children and I really have nothing in common with them so he thinks I hate them!) This conversation, I debated if I should have with him but then thought, no, we have this conversation EVERYTIME one of us goes out on a weekend night with our friends so since I don't want to react to a negative or treat him differently, I will have it. I asked where they went and he mentioned 2 strip joints...I felt like he punched me in the stomach...I HATE those places, I think they are SO degrading to the workers and he knows that. I also feel that married men have no reason to be out looking at other women's bodies when they have a wife at home...that's my own opinion and he knows that. I will admit that I am also going through a very..um...let's say not secure feeling with my own body and how it looks and what it does or doesn't do for him anymore...oh boy...major codie stuff here huh? I was talking to him and being pleasant but he still had an attitude and so I asked him nicely, did I do something to make you angry? He said he's always angry with me. He then informed me that he owes $100 at least total to 2 different people for "all sorts of things"....now how am I supposed to take that?? FOr one, I will offer no way to help him pay back the money..he can figure that out. I guess what I'm really upset with is that he KNOWS I don't like strip clubs and he comes home and boasts about being at not one but 2 of them. Was this to get my goat? Get a reaction out of me? I just walked away and came down here..because I want to cry...I've worked hard to lose weight and all kinds of other people have mentioned that I look like I have or that I look good but my own husband, think he'd mention it?? I KNOW I can't MAKE him say anything to me..man, am I feeling insecure at the moment....I'll get over it, but the hurt...I'm not so sure about...it's like he's rubbing in my face that he hasn't been the most loving or touching man with me...he hasn't given me a kiss or a hug or anything in a week. Never fear though, he HAS hurt me and at the moment, he'll never know..this isn't the time to address it...he's not thinking clearly and honestly at the moment, neither am I. My anger isn't about drinking at all...its about feeling as if I am not enough to make my husband happy and the fact that he didn't have the courtesy to even call last night and tell our 4 year old good night..but, our son took care of that this morning..he told his dad flat out that he missed him and that he cried because daddy didn't at least call him or anything! My son has been being pretty loud this am and my ah told him that he needs to be quieter because "Daddy was re-introduced to the outside world of alcohol and he's not liking it right now." My son was walking out of the room so he didn't hear it but he hasn't been quieter...he's a kid so the quiet lasted all of 2 minutes!

Again, thanks for letting me vent here...it really does help..I do feel more in control and not so upset...I needed to figure out what I feel and I feel hurt..anyone else have any ideas on how to deal?? I know alanon, but I mean on how to deal with being hurt??

Also, JoJo, you are right, I have fallen back into my old ways with one minor difference, he has no clue as to what my true feelings are. In the past, he would have been told in no uncertain terms how I feel..now, I just choose that it's not worth it, he's not listening anyhow and I'd be the only one upset anyhow!

Thanks all!
Spedteach

MissyBelle

Can someone please explain to me the difference between not reacting and stuffing your feelings/walking on eggshells? Thank you.

Cecilia

Been there done both.

Not reacting is when you just go about your business as usual. If theyre passed out on the floor and you already planned on vacuuming you just sweep around them.

Walking on eggs is when theyre passed out on the floor and you make everyone sit on the front porch cause Daddys sleeping.

I dont fit either category at this point in time. Right now if I ever catch mine with a bottle, Ill stuff it up his butt.

Cecilia

Spedteach

Ive been there. I know how your feeling. Its like theyre cheating on you but theyre not. Mine always drank with single guys too. Thats cause most normal married guys are home with their families.

I dont know if jealous is the right word. But it seems we both feel that they are hogging all the good times while we take care of everything.

I WAS working on my act when the bottom fell out. You need to make a real effort to have a life of your own instead of sitting around being miserable. Your being miserable isnt doing you any good. BTDT. And they either dont give a rats butt or they use it as an excuse to drink.

countrygirl

This is just a maybe - and a little long -

The coolness was because he really really wanted to go drink, he was working up to it, he was setting it up.

Going to the strip club and all, maybe it wasn't that he did it to hurt you or even what he intended to do, that was where they were going, he was drunk, drunk = bad judgement. He didn't want the evening to end, he wanted to be a man to his friends, so he went where they went, he borrowed money, he did exactly all the things a normal husband probably wouldn't do because first and foremost - he wanted to drink. All the other stuff was just following - he wanted to drink.

That being the case, now he is worried he is in trouble so he is just going to make a weekend of it as he wanted to all along - all the usual things, acting angry, taking offense, and when none was given - acting up more, trying to get you to rise to the game - it seems to me like manipulation, to enable him to make a weekend of it. All part of that cycle. It is greatly helped if he can feel misunderstood at home.

spedteach

Thanks everyone. I must say, that the remainder of the weekend, things were extremely different then what I thought it might be like. He DID go to our nephew's b-day party and we had a great time. He played football and baseball with our son (I played baseball and it was fun). We went to his brother's house afterwards and got home around 10:30ish. On Sunday, he was in a golf outing and I went to my parent's house (they live 45 mins. from us) with my son and we went shopping and had a blast. He got home around 7ish and we had a nice evening. The interesting fact of the weekend was a comment that he made..he said that he feels alcohol is the worst drug out there. I didn't respond, ask why or anything I just took it at face value. I never once told him how I felt or that I was upset with him, I never treated him differently and never even brought up that he went out, as a matter of fact, I just lived life and did what I wanted to or needed to. He did ask me yesterday how much money we have in our checking account and I repeated what I told him on Friday, and he asked me how he was supposed to pay back what he owed and I simply responded that I knew he'd be able to figure out a way to pay it back on his own.
I refuse to walk on egg shells with him as he has made his choices and we are still going to live life!

Funny, I've had the sober recovery site on our address line in our computer since May and he's never said a word, on Saturday morning, he cleared it all out and when I asked why, he said he was irritated with me and my sober this and sober that...I just thought..hm...the truth must be hurting him this morning.

Again, thanks everyone for helping me to get through this stressful evening that I allowed to be stressful! I feel much stronger today and much more at peace with myself as I know I did EXACTLY what I planned to do...not react and live my life! Now if I can only keep on doing that with the rest of my life My mother in law got my goat yesterday and thankfully, my husband and I agree that what I said and did were the right things! It's nice to have some support with that!
Have a great day!