sigh.... phone calls
 

I'm getting to really not like the phone!.... but who doesn't from time to time right?

First off my mom calls and leaves a message last night, that even though a month ago she and dad said yes to helping me out when daycare is closed, that she won't be able to after all. Dad is back to work. Mom stay's home all day, has had maybe MAYBE 2 jobs in her life time.... but different if you ask her. My mom is acoholic! She doesn't drive, she doesn't help with her grandchildren, or even have sleepovers, cause she says she can't handle them. She will tell you it's cause of menopause, fibermylagia, this that and the other.... but really it's cause the beer is slowly killling her and she doesn't want to face that fact. My dad and I are close and he does anything he can for me. We had a long talk the other week, about if he goes first, how it will be, we also talked about if she goes first. Neither will be good. My parents are 63 (dad) 53 (mom). I'm the oldest and most responsible daughter, they had 3 daughters. SO I have one of my daughters in another daycare, that I have to pay out of pocket more so, and the older one will bounce from friends and family each day. It really hurts to know I can't count on my mom, even though I haven't for many years. It's just hard, ya know! Hard to be a single parent, sitting at home, not having support there when needed, to sit in the house, and not have any one calll all day, but your mother, to say sorry I can't help you AGAIN, I just can't handle it.

Another phone call I'm not looking forward to is tonight.... this is the X's night to call from rehab. I try to get the girls to talk more then me, but they are 3 and 6 and only talk to much and then they are done. Last weel when he called he asked if anything was going on, here. I told him about what they girls had been up to. Then he told me all about what he is doing, the job's he is doing, the room and people in the center. He also asked if I had checked into his car, that is in the pound, since he went to jail and now rehab. I told him I hadn't given it a thought.

I find myself thinking about "him" daily. Dreaming as well. Sometimes nightmares, about him cheating.... I think I think more about wanting someone "a partner" in my life.

Maybe it's just the winter weather getting to me... but I see myself sprialling bad lately.

All my friends, which by the way are married, are all thinking or having affair's on thier hubbies..... it's hard to deal with when your lonely.

:c020:

Sorry ((( kota )))

Maybe it's a good thing your mom can't help. You don't want an active alcoholic watching your kids, do you? But still, I understand wishing you had parents you could count on in times like this.

Must be hard not to be able to move forward. I personally like having a partner too.....though it's hard work.....but what would he be like if you were to find him? How would you know the right person if he came along? (I always asked myself that when I was newly in "relationship recovery") Are you free to "look" now, or do you feel trapped by your X's presence in your life?

Kotabear are you recieving any counselling to work through all of these issues?

It is very sad when a parent does not meet up to our expectations but you know what...it sounds like for you ( and me) that is just a fact. What I do is make definite plans that dont place any reliance on them. I no longer expect help and any recieved is a bonus.

If he is an X..why are you putting yourself through a phone call with him. Why do that to yourself? His recovery is not your ersponsiblity. Sounds like you have enough on your plate managing your own life without being his support as well.

The winter can get us down can't it? What can you think of doing that will put some positive in to balance the sadness?