It has sunk in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
It has sunk in
It has sunk in, what I've done. I am feeling absolutely everything there is to feel.
A bit of background before I go on...when he and I broke up the last time, it was his doing. He told me that I could keep the van that I had been driving (he had a truck, the van was in his name but it was mine to drive since I had to get the kids to places/groceries etc) and that he would continue to pay for it and the insurance on it as his child support for our son. I readily agreed because the van was of great importance to me, in getting my kids to dentist/orthodontist/dr appointments, plus to school, getting food etc.
Then when I was moving out I found out I needed a co-signer for my home. I asked him to do it, because he had said "Anything to get you out of here"..and he had great credit, so he co-signed for me.
That was all last April/May.
This break up is different.
He told me last night that after the lease is up on the van he's taking it back and will no longer be paying me more than he pays his ex for his daughter. He said that the cost of the van and insurance exceeded this amount per month. He also said he's calling my property manager and removing his name from the lease.
So, from this perspective I'm scared to death. No car? With 4 kids? No close grocery store? No money for taxis?
And no idea what will happen when he removes his name from the rental lease. I need my home, my home is everything to me! I've lived here for almost a year, been late on rent twice (paid on the 5th)...can they evict me? (I'm in Ontario Canada)
I'm so scared.
I feel like I'm grieving....I don't know how I'm supposed to look at him when I see him next. (we have a son together, so we'll have to see each other)
He's hurting. I'm so upset that I've hurt someone.
I'm so worried that I'm making a mistake.
I feel this way because when I separated from my husband (my first 3 kids' Dad) I was sure it was the best idea. In hind sight I made a huge mistake leaving him. It should of never happened. I think this is a BIG part of why I stayed with ABF as long as I did.
I made a mistake and in the process I tore apart my family, and made his family hate me for doing so.
If I make the same mistake again I'll never be able to live with myself.
I can't stop crying.
I'm so upset.
A bit of background before I go on...when he and I broke up the last time, it was his doing. He told me that I could keep the van that I had been driving (he had a truck, the van was in his name but it was mine to drive since I had to get the kids to places/groceries etc) and that he would continue to pay for it and the insurance on it as his child support for our son. I readily agreed because the van was of great importance to me, in getting my kids to dentist/orthodontist/dr appointments, plus to school, getting food etc.
Then when I was moving out I found out I needed a co-signer for my home. I asked him to do it, because he had said "Anything to get you out of here"..and he had great credit, so he co-signed for me.
That was all last April/May.
This break up is different.
He told me last night that after the lease is up on the van he's taking it back and will no longer be paying me more than he pays his ex for his daughter. He said that the cost of the van and insurance exceeded this amount per month. He also said he's calling my property manager and removing his name from the lease.
So, from this perspective I'm scared to death. No car? With 4 kids? No close grocery store? No money for taxis?
And no idea what will happen when he removes his name from the rental lease. I need my home, my home is everything to me! I've lived here for almost a year, been late on rent twice (paid on the 5th)...can they evict me? (I'm in Ontario Canada)
I'm so scared.
I feel like I'm grieving....I don't know how I'm supposed to look at him when I see him next. (we have a son together, so we'll have to see each other)
He's hurting. I'm so upset that I've hurt someone.
I'm so worried that I'm making a mistake.
I feel this way because when I separated from my husband (my first 3 kids' Dad) I was sure it was the best idea. In hind sight I made a huge mistake leaving him. It should of never happened. I think this is a BIG part of why I stayed with ABF as long as I did.
I made a mistake and in the process I tore apart my family, and made his family hate me for doing so.
If I make the same mistake again I'll never be able to live with myself.
I can't stop crying.
I'm so upset.
65 reads but no replies...now I feel like a lost cause.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Elsie! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine it! I've only ever had to take care of me, but you have 4 little ones. I think you're going to be sad for a few and scared for a while longer, but you'll snap back and start problem solving. You can only be frozen in fear for so long and then your survival instincts will kick in and you'll find solutions...that DON'T involve going back to your ex.
You can do this Elise. We're all here for support, every step of the way. Please keep posting.
You can do this Elise. We're all here for support, every step of the way. Please keep posting.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Elsie.
Do you have any family members or close friends who could lend you a hand getting places?
Can you call the property manager and ask what is the impact on this man removing his name from the lease?
Take deep breaths Elsie... wiser ones will be around here soon. I know you are overwhelmed but you don't have to solve everything NOW.
For groceries, I know some supermarkets got home delivery and you buy the items online, perhaps that can be an option to consider?
I'm thinking of you and the little ones. There may be extra hassles and perhaps less money, that still beats living with an addict. Your love and care for yourself and your children will prevail.
You can do this.
Do you have any family members or close friends who could lend you a hand getting places?
Can you call the property manager and ask what is the impact on this man removing his name from the lease?
Take deep breaths Elsie... wiser ones will be around here soon. I know you are overwhelmed but you don't have to solve everything NOW.
For groceries, I know some supermarkets got home delivery and you buy the items online, perhaps that can be an option to consider?
I'm thinking of you and the little ones. There may be extra hassles and perhaps less money, that still beats living with an addict. Your love and care for yourself and your children will prevail.
You can do this.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ontario Grocery Service District perhaps it helps
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Elsie))
First of all, I'm thinking he doesn't just get to decide what he's going to pay for child support - that's a legal obligation decided by a court - not a random amount he can choose to pay. I don't know that you're in a position to get a lawyer, but legal aid may be an option.
I know all this sounds scary, but you are most definitely not a lost cause. It's actually times like this when we find out true strength - when we have to. I never knew what I could do until I was pretty much forced to do it.
Big hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all, I'm thinking he doesn't just get to decide what he's going to pay for child support - that's a legal obligation decided by a court - not a random amount he can choose to pay. I don't know that you're in a position to get a lawyer, but legal aid may be an option.
I know all this sounds scary, but you are most definitely not a lost cause. It's actually times like this when we find out true strength - when we have to. I never knew what I could do until I was pretty much forced to do it.
Big hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Elsie,
Have you called the Landlord and Tenant Board on Ontario to talk to a representative and see what your rights and obligations are? In my experience, your landlord has to give you a Notice to end tenancy early for non-payment, after which you have 14 days to pay rent or vacate the property.
Information - Rent
Also, perhaps it's worth telling your landlord what's going on so he/she is aware of the financial strain you may soon be under...again, there may be something you can work out with him or her.
From re-reading your post, it sounds like you are having doubts about this because the rug is being pulled out from under you (financially speaking). If you go back and re-read your older posts, you'll probably see that this is in fact the right decision for you.
IMO, you sound like you need "a plan" to feel better; as anvil suggested, a budget is a great way to see exactly where you stand and where you need to cut back.
*hugs*
Have you called the Landlord and Tenant Board on Ontario to talk to a representative and see what your rights and obligations are? In my experience, your landlord has to give you a Notice to end tenancy early for non-payment, after which you have 14 days to pay rent or vacate the property.
Information - Rent
Also, perhaps it's worth telling your landlord what's going on so he/she is aware of the financial strain you may soon be under...again, there may be something you can work out with him or her.
From re-reading your post, it sounds like you are having doubts about this because the rug is being pulled out from under you (financially speaking). If you go back and re-read your older posts, you'll probably see that this is in fact the right decision for you.
IMO, you sound like you need "a plan" to feel better; as anvil suggested, a budget is a great way to see exactly where you stand and where you need to cut back.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Just checking in while at work, so I don't have time to ponder. But, I want to tell you that what you are going to do is go into survival mode. You have so much strength (I know this because of what you started in motion - leaving him even though you are afraid) and you will tap into it.
Are you a working mom?
I agree that it is not the time to second guess your decision. Your children and their emotional safety is the most important thing. Deep breaths.
Are you a working mom?
I agree that it is not the time to second guess your decision. Your children and their emotional safety is the most important thing. Deep breaths.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Is there a local service that offes financial advice counselling?
If you are not working are there social security benefits you may be eligable for?
Have you asked friends family for assistance?
Hugs to you.
The financial unknown like any unknown is scarey.
If you are not working are there social security benefits you may be eligable for?
Have you asked friends family for assistance?
Hugs to you.
The financial unknown like any unknown is scarey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I just wanted to add that you're going to have to forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made long ago. You have to stop seeing leaving your first husband as a mistake, and start seeing it as just part of your journey. If there are amends to be made, they can be made, but you can't live in the past. Every single one of us has made mistakes, but we can't let today's decisions be tainted by guilt or feelings of failure. Your situation with your current X is a separate matter from what you may have done in the past.
And honestly, if he's strong-arming you financially, it looks like you've made the right decision.
I know it's hard, but you will learn to trust that God/the Universe/whatever will provide you with all that you need. I went through a really tough financial crisis when AH and I split up. It's been a journey to recover and I'm not all the way to prosperity-ville yet, but I have learned to trust that I will have all that I need as long as I take opportunities that come my way and face my situation with my eyes wide open.
Hugs to you. It will be OK.
And honestly, if he's strong-arming you financially, it looks like you've made the right decision.
I know it's hard, but you will learn to trust that God/the Universe/whatever will provide you with all that you need. I went through a really tough financial crisis when AH and I split up. It's been a journey to recover and I'm not all the way to prosperity-ville yet, but I have learned to trust that I will have all that I need as long as I take opportunities that come my way and face my situation with my eyes wide open.
Hugs to you. It will be OK.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi Elsie,
Imperrfect is correct regarding child support. I am from Ontario and can tell you that child support is based on a calculation which is based on income and number of children your partner has. It's a 'no if's ands or but's amount' per month that is listed on a Table.
Ontario takes child support payments very seriously in that a default causes a loss of a drivers Licence and jail time after that.
If you google Ministry of the Attorney General / Ministère du Procureur général you will come to website for the Attorney General of Ontario and on the left side of the page, you will see a link that says "Child Support" (Under the heading of 'Family Justice') There are forms listed there and information with respect to C.S. Might be a good idea to download the forms and get them filled out and submit them asap. Are you receiving child support from your ex husband?
Good luck with everything Elsie.
Imperrfect is correct regarding child support. I am from Ontario and can tell you that child support is based on a calculation which is based on income and number of children your partner has. It's a 'no if's ands or but's amount' per month that is listed on a Table.
Ontario takes child support payments very seriously in that a default causes a loss of a drivers Licence and jail time after that.
If you google Ministry of the Attorney General / Ministère du Procureur général you will come to website for the Attorney General of Ontario and on the left side of the page, you will see a link that says "Child Support" (Under the heading of 'Family Justice') There are forms listed there and information with respect to C.S. Might be a good idea to download the forms and get them filled out and submit them asap. Are you receiving child support from your ex husband?
Good luck with everything Elsie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Just a small update....my finances are ok, I pay my own rent and bills and gas and food etc.
It's just the vehicle that has got my floundering like a fish out of water.
He emailed again....
The last thing I want to do is drag this on and on and on. It is killing you and me both. I will not up-end your life, I will not ruin everything for you. I am not going to call (property manager), you can count on me to renew your lease because I know you like it there and I am not going to see you without a vehicle. I would never do that to you. What I said yesterday was the words from a man that had just lost everything near and dear to him, the only best friend he really ever had.
I understand fully why you did what you did. I think I wouldve done things a little differently though. But I think I understand. A little.
I think what I told you came as a total shock to you and caught you off guard. I never told you because I really didnt think it meant that much to you, that I had a few beers when I was off drinking. I thought I could handle it. I wasnt back on JD or anything silly, in fact when I had those few beers it was kept mainly to around 6 each time. To me, that was casual. And then it dawned on me that I was fooling myself, I hadnt quit. I had cut back substantially but quitting means none. I figured that out after I figured it all out. (You know, after I told (his best friend) the whole story yesterday, you leaving me, the drinking I had done, I told him I quit for good....and he JUST sent me a text asking if we are drinking this weekend! That is NOT a friend.)
I think, I thought, we had a pretty good life together, heading in the right direction, we had a good chat a few weeks ago, got a lot aired out....I really thought it had done us well. I was happy to hear from you, I was happy to text and email, MSN with you...I was happy all around. I really felt that my life was going in the right direction again. Finally you and I got it right. And then this happened. I never thought you would do this because I thought you loved me. Yes, I had drunken 9 times over 40 days. And drinking is too strong of a word as it was a couple of beers. I know it was WAY wrong and I have to start over again. I didn't expect my life to take a steaming **** and turn around completely.
And here we are, where we have been before, where so many people make a pit stop on their road of life.
I feel that every time I email you know, it is like pouring gasoline on the fire; you are getting madder and madder and more hurt every time. But I miss you, I really do. I dont want to live my life alone without you. I have to be with you. Its not fair not to.
I am not going to make any efforts to be with anyone else; I am going to concentrate on me. I never want to be with anyone else. EVER. I am going to go to AA, I am going to get some counselling and I am going to be a better person at the end of this.
I want you to understand that I will always be your friend, no matter who direction you decide to take in your life. I wont be bitter, meanspirited or hurtful. As long as you are in my life in ANYWAY, I am a better man right there.
ARGH!!!!!!
My eyes are puffy and sore, I only, literally got 3 hours of sleep last night. This is killing me.
I'm sorry for acting like a suck earlier, saying I was a lost cause.....I'm just so out of it right now.
I have no energy, trying to still function as a Mom, etc.
I told my Mom last night that I wish I had a team of people here with me. You know, like those cell phone commercials, where the whole team of people are with that one customer?
I just wish I had that, people around me, holding my hand, to stop me from making a mistake whatever that might be. I know I have the support of many, but I feel like I need someone here, like a 24 hour nurse to be here.
I'm a very strong woman, stronger than I've ever been before and I CAN and I WILL get throught this.
But for right now, I just want to crumble into a pile on the floor.
I'm allowed to, right?
Why did he have to lie?
It's just the vehicle that has got my floundering like a fish out of water.
He emailed again....
The last thing I want to do is drag this on and on and on. It is killing you and me both. I will not up-end your life, I will not ruin everything for you. I am not going to call (property manager), you can count on me to renew your lease because I know you like it there and I am not going to see you without a vehicle. I would never do that to you. What I said yesterday was the words from a man that had just lost everything near and dear to him, the only best friend he really ever had.
I understand fully why you did what you did. I think I wouldve done things a little differently though. But I think I understand. A little.
I think what I told you came as a total shock to you and caught you off guard. I never told you because I really didnt think it meant that much to you, that I had a few beers when I was off drinking. I thought I could handle it. I wasnt back on JD or anything silly, in fact when I had those few beers it was kept mainly to around 6 each time. To me, that was casual. And then it dawned on me that I was fooling myself, I hadnt quit. I had cut back substantially but quitting means none. I figured that out after I figured it all out. (You know, after I told (his best friend) the whole story yesterday, you leaving me, the drinking I had done, I told him I quit for good....and he JUST sent me a text asking if we are drinking this weekend! That is NOT a friend.)
I think, I thought, we had a pretty good life together, heading in the right direction, we had a good chat a few weeks ago, got a lot aired out....I really thought it had done us well. I was happy to hear from you, I was happy to text and email, MSN with you...I was happy all around. I really felt that my life was going in the right direction again. Finally you and I got it right. And then this happened. I never thought you would do this because I thought you loved me. Yes, I had drunken 9 times over 40 days. And drinking is too strong of a word as it was a couple of beers. I know it was WAY wrong and I have to start over again. I didn't expect my life to take a steaming **** and turn around completely.
And here we are, where we have been before, where so many people make a pit stop on their road of life.
I feel that every time I email you know, it is like pouring gasoline on the fire; you are getting madder and madder and more hurt every time. But I miss you, I really do. I dont want to live my life alone without you. I have to be with you. Its not fair not to.
I am not going to make any efforts to be with anyone else; I am going to concentrate on me. I never want to be with anyone else. EVER. I am going to go to AA, I am going to get some counselling and I am going to be a better person at the end of this.
I want you to understand that I will always be your friend, no matter who direction you decide to take in your life. I wont be bitter, meanspirited or hurtful. As long as you are in my life in ANYWAY, I am a better man right there.
ARGH!!!!!!
My eyes are puffy and sore, I only, literally got 3 hours of sleep last night. This is killing me.
I'm sorry for acting like a suck earlier, saying I was a lost cause.....I'm just so out of it right now.
I have no energy, trying to still function as a Mom, etc.
I told my Mom last night that I wish I had a team of people here with me. You know, like those cell phone commercials, where the whole team of people are with that one customer?
I just wish I had that, people around me, holding my hand, to stop me from making a mistake whatever that might be. I know I have the support of many, but I feel like I need someone here, like a 24 hour nurse to be here.
I'm a very strong woman, stronger than I've ever been before and I CAN and I WILL get throught this.
But for right now, I just want to crumble into a pile on the floor.
I'm allowed to, right?
Why did he have to lie?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
You are okay.
Your kids are okay.
This will work itself out.
You can't know that divorcing husband #1 was a mistake. You can't know that trajectory of staying together.
You can know you are an amazing being that is WHO SHE IS because of every step you have taken in your life. You are who you are because of your so called mistakes.
You are on a path of growth.
Each situation in your life is giving you gifts to learn about yourself.
Trust.Trust you are safe. Trust you will work out the details of life.
Trust * you * can.
Allow yourself to ask for help.
Energize yourself to do the leg work.
Talk to your landlord; find out what can work.
Talk to your friends and family; get support.
Talk to social services; find out what help is available to you.
Every bit of growth that comes to us, as individuals, as families, as communities, as countries, as cultures, comes to us through hardship.
It is darkest before the dawn.
Trust.
Hugs.
w
Deep breath out.
You are okay.
Your kids are okay.
This will work itself out.
You can't know that divorcing husband #1 was a mistake. You can't know that trajectory of staying together.
You can know you are an amazing being that is WHO SHE IS because of every step you have taken in your life. You are who you are because of your so called mistakes.
You are on a path of growth.
Each situation in your life is giving you gifts to learn about yourself.
Trust.
Trust * you * can.
Allow yourself to ask for help.
Energize yourself to do the leg work.
Talk to your landlord; find out what can work.
Talk to your friends and family; get support.
Talk to social services; find out what help is available to you.
Every bit of growth that comes to us, as individuals, as families, as communities, as countries, as cultures, comes to us through hardship.
It is darkest before the dawn.
Trust.
Hugs.
w
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Elsie)) - people have different reasons for lying, but most do it to protect something that they don't want someone else to find out about.
Sure, you're entitled to fall in a heap on the floor, but I've found I do better when I put a time limit on my "pity parties" because otherwise I want to just stay there. Sometimes, even just 30 minutes for a good long cry, while I soak in a bubble bath is enough to get it out of my system, for a while, and get going again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sure, you're entitled to fall in a heap on the floor, but I've found I do better when I put a time limit on my "pity parties" because otherwise I want to just stay there. Sometimes, even just 30 minutes for a good long cry, while I soak in a bubble bath is enough to get it out of my system, for a while, and get going again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Say, Lisa, can you get your children over to your mom's for a day or so? Fall into a heap on the floor, sit on the S/R site all night long, put your emotions on paper....
I think that was a heartfelt and thoughtful email. We all know he's not an animal, a complete maniac. He is human with feelings and he would like to have you as his woman, in his life. BUT
he has this alcoholism thing that takes a front seat, til it is REALLY arrested, every time. It takes the front seat every time. Because he has good intentions right this second, does not mean he will follow through. And, sweetheart, you already know that. But I just thought given your emotional state, it bears repeating.
You read his e, you are reacting and you certainly have the right to send him a reply. But....if you do, after you do, maybe go no contact for awhile?
Peace,
I think that was a heartfelt and thoughtful email. We all know he's not an animal, a complete maniac. He is human with feelings and he would like to have you as his woman, in his life. BUT
he has this alcoholism thing that takes a front seat, til it is REALLY arrested, every time. It takes the front seat every time. Because he has good intentions right this second, does not mean he will follow through. And, sweetheart, you already know that. But I just thought given your emotional state, it bears repeating.
You read his e, you are reacting and you certainly have the right to send him a reply. But....if you do, after you do, maybe go no contact for awhile?
Peace,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My eyes are puffy and sore, I only, literally got 3 hours of sleep last night. This is killing me.
trying to still function as a Mom, etc.
I told my Mom last night that I wish I had a team of people here with me. You know, like those cell phone commercials, where the whole team of people are with that one customer? I just wish I had that, people around me, holding my hand
to stop me from making a mistake whatever that might be. I know I have the support of many, but I feel like I need someone here, like a 24 hour nurse to be here.
I'm a very strong woman, stronger than I've ever been before and I CAN and I WILL get throught this.
I'm a very strong woman, stronger than I've ever been before and I CAN and I WILL get throught this.
But for right now, I just want to crumble into a pile on the floor. I'm allowed to, right?
Why did he have to lie?
TRY AL-ANON.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Elsie, about making decisions on whether to be with someone or not - people on here often say that if it's meant to be, there's nothing that will keep you apart. That means that it's OK to take time for yourself, to work on yourself and figure it all out. It can't possibly be a mistake to take some time for yourself to better yourself! If it's meant to be between you two, then it will happen when you're both healthy. Give yourself some time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Humble, tx
Posts: 82
Have you ever been to a face to face alanon mtg? Many have babysitters, many allow children. I'm only saying this as a way to help you. You might want to give it a try. Alanon family groups has helped me to be the change I need.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
