Chapter 8 - To Wives ; Set me OFF!
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Chapter 8 - To Wives ; Set me OFF!
RAH is 25 days sober.. AA meetings once or twice a day.
I have been doing very good at detaching & staying away from my Codie ways.
He wanted me to come with him to an open meeting on Saturday which I intended on doing. But beforehand he asked that I read Chapter 8 in the Big Book "To Wives"... while the majority of it spoke to me.. parts of it set me into an absolute fit...
While it's perfectly logical, its apparent that I have a TON of resentment that I don't know how to begin to resolve. I decided that there was no way I could sit in a roomfull of A's and be supportive, so I backed out at the last minute. He understood & said I could come when I was ready.
What was it that made me so angry?! Well.. there were parts that seemed to me as if they were INSTRUCTING us to do exactly what we SHOULDN'T be (Controlling Causing Curing).. of course these quotes are out of context but some of them were:
Christine
I have been doing very good at detaching & staying away from my Codie ways.
He wanted me to come with him to an open meeting on Saturday which I intended on doing. But beforehand he asked that I read Chapter 8 in the Big Book "To Wives"... while the majority of it spoke to me.. parts of it set me into an absolute fit...
While it's perfectly logical, its apparent that I have a TON of resentment that I don't know how to begin to resolve. I decided that there was no way I could sit in a roomfull of A's and be supportive, so I backed out at the last minute. He understood & said I could come when I was ready.
What was it that made me so angry?! Well.. there were parts that seemed to me as if they were INSTRUCTING us to do exactly what we SHOULDN'T be (Controlling Causing Curing).. of course these quotes are out of context but some of them were:
""If you act upon these principles, your husband may stop or moderate."
"Show him your copy of this book and tell him what you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that as alcoholics, the writers of the book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think he will be shy of a spiritual remedy, ask him to look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will be interested enough to continue."
"These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control."
The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance or recovery."
Am I totally off base here??!!?? I'd really like to go to his next Saturday meeting.. he'll be 30 days, but I'd like to wrap my head around this a bit more before then.Christine
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The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance of recovery.
Just because it's in the book doesn't mean you have to agree with it, and certainly doesn't mean you have to change your own efforts at recovery. Yours comes first for you, his comes first for him. Right?
It's nice to be supportive of his sobriety. What are you doing for yourself?
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drgnfly,
I agree with you about that chapter. For the first couple years, that chapter read to me like a mushy, 'go easy on the poor alkie' BS. Some of the things you point out run counter to the Al-Anon philosophy. But, in time, I've learned to see that chapter as giving spiritual direction to the spouses, familes, and sponsors of the alkie. Spiritual direction to them. It's the same direction given to the alcoholic themselves.
I agree with you about that chapter. For the first couple years, that chapter read to me like a mushy, 'go easy on the poor alkie' BS. Some of the things you point out run counter to the Al-Anon philosophy. But, in time, I've learned to see that chapter as giving spiritual direction to the spouses, familes, and sponsors of the alkie. Spiritual direction to them. It's the same direction given to the alcoholic themselves.
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Hi Drgnfly,
I spent about 2 years myself in AA and hated that chapter as most others did also. When we were reading that chapter, we spoke mostly about it being antiquated and the role men and women followed back in the 40's. Remember when the book was written. I believe it's more about the alcoholic taking responsibility for themselves and certainly not about others having to walk on eggshells while around them.
I don't think you're off base at all.
I spent about 2 years myself in AA and hated that chapter as most others did also. When we were reading that chapter, we spoke mostly about it being antiquated and the role men and women followed back in the 40's. Remember when the book was written. I believe it's more about the alcoholic taking responsibility for themselves and certainly not about others having to walk on eggshells while around them.
I don't think you're off base at all.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
"take what I need and leave the rest."
Originally Posted by keithj
that chapter read to me like a mushy, 'go easy on the poor alkie' BS. Some of the things you point out run counter to the Al-Anon philosophy.
Originally Posted by gerryP
When we were reading that chapter, we spoke mostly about it being antiquated and the role men and women followed back in the 40's. Remember when the book was written. I believe it's more about the alcoholic taking responsibility for themselves and certainly not about others having to walk on eggshells while around them.
Other than some of these 'out of left field' reactions, I seem to be doing quite well and am doing more & more for myself each day.
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According to a number of sources, Anne Smith declined to write it, and Lois was pissed when Bill wrote it instead of her.
There's some Chapter 8 bashing here, and some of it deserved, but I encourage a closer look. Forget the tiptoeing business and look for spiritual direction. I have a new appreciation for that chapter after seeing it with some recovery behind me.
There's some Chapter 8 bashing here, and some of it deserved, but I encourage a closer look. Forget the tiptoeing business and look for spiritual direction. I have a new appreciation for that chapter after seeing it with some recovery behind me.
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I read that before going to ALanon (thinking they were the same thing and was incandescent with indignation at the SHEER AUDACITY of the blooming thing). When I queried it, the alanoners, sort of shrugged and said that was AA and they didn't do AA, they did al-anon, which was for us, and went back to the topic at hand 
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Most of the Big Book is just as meaningful today as it was all those decades ago when it was written. But, as a recovering alcoholic female, I find the chapter to the wives quite dated. It reflects attitudes towards women/relationships/men that are not common at all today.
I try to see the message beneath the text, and substitute the word "partner" when husband/wife is used....
I try to see the message beneath the text, and substitute the word "partner" when husband/wife is used....
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Good god! I would have failed miserably as a 50's housewife!
How enlightening though.. my parents were married a month after that was published (June 1955). It explains so much why Mom is the way she is. All about outward appearances and an absolute mess inside!
How enlightening though.. my parents were married a month after that was published (June 1955). It explains so much why Mom is the way she is. All about outward appearances and an absolute mess inside!
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Oh, GOD! The stomach bile...rising up...
It is VERY educational to remember *it was not that long ago*
and that CRAP lives on in our cultural memory.
Good riddance to bad rubbish and on to a new day, huh ladies??
w
It is VERY educational to remember *it was not that long ago*
and that CRAP lives on in our cultural memory.
Good riddance to bad rubbish and on to a new day, huh ladies??
w
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