I failed miserably - please help
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Iwantcontrol. interesting user name. I expect tha means control of self?
I could have written your post. It was how I felt. I continually made alowances for my AP and he never changed. There are no mistakes just lessons, that is as long as you learn and grow from them.
MissFixit has written all i wanted to say. i have read and reread her posts. Much wisdom and honesty there.
I say this with love to you .. You are accepting crumbs from this man. Love is not enough in my opinion. there must be trust, mutual respect and joy.
I could have written your post. It was how I felt. I continually made alowances for my AP and he never changed. There are no mistakes just lessons, that is as long as you learn and grow from them.
MissFixit has written all i wanted to say. i have read and reread her posts. Much wisdom and honesty there.
I say this with love to you .. You are accepting crumbs from this man. Love is not enough in my opinion. there must be trust, mutual respect and joy.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by Gold 
Iwantcontrol.
I say this with love to you .. You are accepting crumbs from this man. Love is not enough in my opinion. there must be trust, mutual respect and joy.
I say this with love to you .. You are accepting crumbs from this man. Love is not enough in my opinion. there must be trust, mutual respect and joy.
I agree, trust and respect have to go along with love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Thanks for all the useful information and advice – there really is a lot to go through and I have a lot to think about over the next few days. I’m a little hesitant to say this but I actually feel a lot better about things today, and I had a realisation of sorts yesterday after I wrote that my ABF is an active alcoholic and is not in recovery – therefore, of course he is going to drink. His attempts at trying to stop and having only a few days sober in a row, at most, are not him truly being in recovery, they are nothing more than a few days sober before the next drinking session. It sounds stupid but now I’ve accepted that I feel better, like I can cope with it better somehow. I guess I kept believing that every time he said he’s stop and he managed for a day or so, that he was in recovery – so every time he drank again it really disappointed and bothered me. It probably still will make me annoyed, but I don’t think I’ll have that ‘it’s the end of the world’ feeling anymore. That is progress for me and I feel good about that. I will have a serious think about things and see where I am at. Thanks again everyone, you’ve really helped me to start to put things in perspective.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
His attempts at trying to stop and having only a few days sober in a row, at most, are not him truly being in recovery, they are nothing more than a few days sober before the next drinking session.
Right on
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Brilliant!
Glad you are feeling better today - I know that feeling of being hesitant to say it - because I became so used to the "dread" feeling in my gut that peace and happiness felt weird!!
It does not sound stupid that you are accepting the reality of his being an alcoholic and all that means. It is the greatest and hardest step: acceptance! Be;lieve me you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt when an alcoholic has embraced sobreity and real recovery - it is such an obvious change with a lot of energy put behind it and towards it - in fact it becomes their new obsession usually, so leave him to it. More will be revealed.
The same is true for us. When I look back at how much pain I was in in my twenties - unraveling my childhood with an A father, and coping with 3 active A brothers -- I really feel like I was in this hideous dark and damp and miserable cave. AlAnon and therapy got me out into the sunshine! Got me back in control of MY moods, my choices, my problems, my life. Not easy at first but when I committed to it I really changed and grew. And it all starts with baby steps like you are making now! Keep on the path iwantcontrol - choose recovery for yourself, and life will be amazing!
peace-
b
Glad you are feeling better today - I know that feeling of being hesitant to say it - because I became so used to the "dread" feeling in my gut that peace and happiness felt weird!!
It does not sound stupid that you are accepting the reality of his being an alcoholic and all that means. It is the greatest and hardest step: acceptance! Be;lieve me you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt when an alcoholic has embraced sobreity and real recovery - it is such an obvious change with a lot of energy put behind it and towards it - in fact it becomes their new obsession usually, so leave him to it. More will be revealed.
The same is true for us. When I look back at how much pain I was in in my twenties - unraveling my childhood with an A father, and coping with 3 active A brothers -- I really feel like I was in this hideous dark and damp and miserable cave. AlAnon and therapy got me out into the sunshine! Got me back in control of MY moods, my choices, my problems, my life. Not easy at first but when I committed to it I really changed and grew. And it all starts with baby steps like you are making now! Keep on the path iwantcontrol - choose recovery for yourself, and life will be amazing!
peace-
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Thank you Bernadette. For the first time i truly feel like i’ve made a step in the right direction. It’s weird that such a simple change of thought can help so much. I hope i can progress from this and make more headway soon. I think before I've been hoping for too much, too soon. I'm understanding that this is a very complex issue from both sides and it can't be rushed or sorted out overnight, no matter how much i want it to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Hey iwc,
Someone posted something on another thread that I think might be a good exercise - for all of us.
Imagine your life as a play on stage. What do you want your part to be?
As you watch the performance, what would make you cheer for your character?
TC999 was talking about something like this and it made me realize that I want GREAT things for the Stella character. I want her to be strong and to be an attentive mom to her three children, while she performs an important job at her work, and I just want her to not waste her time sitting around weeping over the character who had been on stage minutes before berating her for being who she is and for not putting him first 100% of the time instead of 99% of the time like she was doing before.
I want him OFF the stage - making an appearance only at Stella's front door to spend a little time with the children, but not occupying center stage any more. She, in the meantime, will be busy baking, creating, laughing, dreaming, taking a glorious nap, chatting with friends, and reading.
What do you want for your leading lady?
Someone posted something on another thread that I think might be a good exercise - for all of us.
Imagine your life as a play on stage. What do you want your part to be?
As you watch the performance, what would make you cheer for your character?
TC999 was talking about something like this and it made me realize that I want GREAT things for the Stella character. I want her to be strong and to be an attentive mom to her three children, while she performs an important job at her work, and I just want her to not waste her time sitting around weeping over the character who had been on stage minutes before berating her for being who she is and for not putting him first 100% of the time instead of 99% of the time like she was doing before.
I want him OFF the stage - making an appearance only at Stella's front door to spend a little time with the children, but not occupying center stage any more. She, in the meantime, will be busy baking, creating, laughing, dreaming, taking a glorious nap, chatting with friends, and reading.
What do you want for your leading lady?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
that's a great idea! i guess i want similar things for my leading lady - strength, respect, fun, ability to be caring but not obsessively, independence etc. I will give that some thought - imagining watching how my character has performed so far just makes me annoyed and i don't like her very much. Time to make changes. Thanks for posting that!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Since we last wrote, I have been thinking more about the theatre scenario.
I know that I don't want to be the haggard, exhausted girlfriend or wife who never "abandoned" her alcoholic man. While all the action in that scenario revolves around HIM and his activities. I want to be the star of my show.
I know that I don't want to be the haggard, exhausted girlfriend or wife who never "abandoned" her alcoholic man. While all the action in that scenario revolves around HIM and his activities. I want to be the star of my show.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: omaha, ne.
Posts: 22
You might call it spiritual logistics, but sometimes you have to move away (detatch) to get closer, not only the sig. other, but also to yourself
Either way, it helps to remember this from time to time. Being someone's doormat does not feel good, not should it! Been there, done that, done that, done that, done that, etc. etc You need to take care of YOU.
Either way, it helps to remember this from time to time. Being someone's doormat does not feel good, not should it! Been there, done that, done that, done that, done that, etc. etc You need to take care of YOU.
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