First full day home from work
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
First full day home from work
Well today starts my FMLA. I have till 3/3/10 or I can extend it. Feels so weirld not getting ready for work. I know its going to be the best thing I can do right now. Better to have meltdowns at home than at work.
Yesterday my MIL called and said there were checks for my daugters education fund. We did that instead of people sending flowers. It has worked out well for her and she has a nice little nest egg for college. Amazing and gratfull people were so generous. But lets get on with the story.
So we walk in and on top of the TV is a picture of him and another one of her and him hugging. Nearly broke my heart. She never displayed pictures of him only one that hung on the wall for his graduation with his other siblings. I wish he was alive to see that, since he was the black sheep of the family.
She was cordial to me but that was about it. So my daughter and I get back in the car and Im thiniking to myself. "Gosh I really didnt feel welcome there"
Now mind you I did not voice this outloud. My daughter looks at me and says Jeez Mom I didnt feel welcomed there. I almost drove off the road. Pulled over and hugged her. They were never the grandparents that I thought they should have been considering I have no family. I know I can control that and my expectations were too high on what I thought grandparents were suppose to be. Just so sad to me.
I know she still feels that I did wrong for throwing him out and trying to get him to stand up and be a man and get sober on his own. Im going to have to accept she will never forgive me. Even tho she knows two years ago we went to councling and he walked out. The therapist says in time I will relaize that I made a healthy choice for myself and none of this is my fault.
What bothers me is that he must have been in so much pain to take his life.
I think some of my meltdowns are me thinking of his pain which makes me spin. Thanks for letting me post on these boards they are kinda a jounal for me. Maybe in time when I re read these it will help or help someone else.
I will say that yesterday my daughter and I did things to take care of ourselfves. We got massages and did a little shopping. Which was nice, but the guilt of doing something nice made us both a little confused. How can doing something for yourself make you feel guilty? Made a list for the theripst, this whole thing is just so unreal.
Yesterday my MIL called and said there were checks for my daugters education fund. We did that instead of people sending flowers. It has worked out well for her and she has a nice little nest egg for college. Amazing and gratfull people were so generous. But lets get on with the story.
So we walk in and on top of the TV is a picture of him and another one of her and him hugging. Nearly broke my heart. She never displayed pictures of him only one that hung on the wall for his graduation with his other siblings. I wish he was alive to see that, since he was the black sheep of the family.
She was cordial to me but that was about it. So my daughter and I get back in the car and Im thiniking to myself. "Gosh I really didnt feel welcome there"
Now mind you I did not voice this outloud. My daughter looks at me and says Jeez Mom I didnt feel welcomed there. I almost drove off the road. Pulled over and hugged her. They were never the grandparents that I thought they should have been considering I have no family. I know I can control that and my expectations were too high on what I thought grandparents were suppose to be. Just so sad to me.
I know she still feels that I did wrong for throwing him out and trying to get him to stand up and be a man and get sober on his own. Im going to have to accept she will never forgive me. Even tho she knows two years ago we went to councling and he walked out. The therapist says in time I will relaize that I made a healthy choice for myself and none of this is my fault.
What bothers me is that he must have been in so much pain to take his life.
I think some of my meltdowns are me thinking of his pain which makes me spin. Thanks for letting me post on these boards they are kinda a jounal for me. Maybe in time when I re read these it will help or help someone else.
I will say that yesterday my daughter and I did things to take care of ourselfves. We got massages and did a little shopping. Which was nice, but the guilt of doing something nice made us both a little confused. How can doing something for yourself make you feel guilty? Made a list for the theripst, this whole thing is just so unreal.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
((( Deb )))
These are difficult realities you're working through. Keep taking deep breaths, keep treating yourself kindly, and keep "journaling" here.......and the answers you're seeking will come in their own time.
I came to realize over time that my sister was in a great deal of pain all her life. It was, in fact, the reason why she self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. She always knew she was troubled, but refused to get help for it, though she had ample help available to her (she worked in hospital settings and her best male friend was a psychologist) Blaming myself for that pain was unfair...I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, I couldn't cure it. It had always been there inside.
I'm glad you're on FMLA. What can you do that's healing during this time? Seeing your counselor sounds heavenly.
These are difficult realities you're working through. Keep taking deep breaths, keep treating yourself kindly, and keep "journaling" here.......and the answers you're seeking will come in their own time.
I came to realize over time that my sister was in a great deal of pain all her life. It was, in fact, the reason why she self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. She always knew she was troubled, but refused to get help for it, though she had ample help available to her (she worked in hospital settings and her best male friend was a psychologist) Blaming myself for that pain was unfair...I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, I couldn't cure it. It had always been there inside.
I'm glad you're on FMLA. What can you do that's healing during this time? Seeing your counselor sounds heavenly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i am sorry you're struggling with his family, in addition to your own grief burden and your daughter's. i can barely imagine the intense and horrific pain that mother is in, to have lost her son. perhaps one day you will be able to truly forgive her for her shortcomings, but this is not the time to think about that.
you probably need to stay away from her.
in the meantime, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. there are many levels to grief. i'm glad you feel safe in coming here and posting about it.
you probably need to stay away from her.
in the meantime, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. there are many levels to grief. i'm glad you feel safe in coming here and posting about it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Offering ((((((hugs))))))) I am glad you get a break from work while you become stronger.... I always mention this book: "The Grief Club" by Melody Beatty, it is great reading, talks about dealing with all sorts of change.. hope you are able to get a copy... this is the time to seek all the available support. Give a ((((hug)))) to your daughter for me... this weekend I also happened to have a good time with my mom, and we also felt guilty. I guess the cure for that is doing it more often 
... I'm glad she has you during this difficult time. You are not alone.
... I'm glad she has you during this difficult time. You are not alone.
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