How to handle this situation
 

I kicked my AH one week ago. After a few days of crying, I think I will be okay now. No more drunken episoddes in my home. We have a five year old son, Tyler. AH hasnt seen Ty since he left. He came to get him one afternoon, and my son wouldn't go with him. I didn't force him to go. An hour ago, AH called and asked me to let Ty miss school tomorrow. Now, my son and I have been home all day, and AH could have spent time with Ty....AH said he needed to catch up on his sleep....??????Amazing....

I need advice on how to tell my son that his dad doesn't live here anymore. What do I tell him? Tell him that his father is an alcoholic? That doesn;t seem right to me, but I know many others here have been in this situation... Please help......BTW Gave my AH the opportunity to quit drinking....get some help and come home. He responded that it is too hard to quit.....UGH I just want my son to be okay....

Hi WVgal -

and welcome to SR. You'll find tons of advice and friendship here.

About your question -
I hAd to explain 'death' to a four year old when my mother died.
Because he couldn't understand why his grandma hadn't come back home yet.
I don't think I did that well, I remember him crying,
but it wasn't a guilty cry or anyting
it was a 'I'm gonna miss her' cry.
He accepted that she was not able to come back.

Similar, but I understand the difficulty.

I learned something very important at an early age as a teenage parent.

Keep it very short.
"Put it on a bumper sticker' kind of thing.

I don't think you're going to have to do that much delving into it
considering your son wouldn't go with him.
Sounds to me like your son knows something is dangerously wrong.

Are you in Al-anon? do you receive 3-D support somehow?

Someone will come along soon who has had more direct experience with this ...

again - welcome to SR!

I do not have children so have never had to handle this kind of thing, but I am an adult child of an alcoholic and have a great appreciation for how my mother always handled conversations with me about my father. One, she never badmouthed my dad to us kids. Two, she always described his problem as a disease. She never complained to us or let us see her emotions about what she was going through as the spouse of an alcoholic, or what he was doing. She always taught us to respect him as our father, with the understanding that he is human.

Not sure if any of this helps but thought I'd share just in case. Take care.

i always tried to "let" my children experience their emotions. never told them "don't cry" "don't be sad" "oh, you don't really feel like that". even though the intentions are good, those messages are very destructive.

keep your message short, and you may break it up into a few different, brief, conversations.

also, children are most concerned with how the change affects them.
"daddy won't be living in this house, but he will be living a half-hour from here and will come to visit sometimes" or what your choice of words is. i would also caution against telling your son something that very well may end up not being true, e.g. "daddy will pick you up every other saturday." it sounds like he is not very dependable.

Welcome to the family wvgal!

We're glad you found us. It's a little quiet here today, but it is pretty active during the week. Keep coming back and read and post as much as needed.

My children are teens, so I gave more information than you will need for your son. I suggest you keep it simple. Mom and Dad are living apart for a while. Mom and Dad still love you very much. (reinforce that he did not do anything to cause the breakup) His young world is in the moment. His concept of time is not fine tuned like ours. He doesn't yet understand weeks, weekends, months, etc. He just knows today Dad is not at home.

Are you getting help for you? You will find lots of information and support here for yourself.

You are a good mom! You have removed the drama from your home and you are creating a safe environment for you and your child. Good on you.

You and your son deserve time to create a normal schedule for yourselves. You can decide how often your son visits his dad and when. You can say no to keeping your son out of school.

No. It's a complete answer.

I was five when my parents divorced. My father was an alcoholic. My mother told me the truth and explained things to me. She spoke with respect of him as a man she loved and a father who loved me and then explained the however and but. Also, I always viewed her as doing me a favor. My sisters were the result of an alcoholic parent, 12 and 14 years older then me, as they had to grow up with my father. It was more like I was a child of an only parent.

One of my sisters is an addicted. So my mother had to tell me the truth about her. Such information also served to protect me when I was with either of them. I raised my sisters daughter for many years. I shared the truth with both my niece and my kids at a young age. This also served to protect them.

I have always told my children the truth about important life events. We have a frank open honest relationship They are 15, 21 and 23 now.
Any one of us can say anything to each other.
We have complete trust and support of each other.
I firmly believe this has been because of open communication since the day they could talk.
They always come to me in times of need and support me when I need them
We have talked openly about sex, drugs, relationships and now alcohol.

That doesn't mean you have to be brutal. there are age approriate words and explainations but the truth is always the best policy. That way they know they will always get the truth from you.

When I divorced my first husband 10 years ago they were 5, 10 and 12. it was not easy but I always spoke openly honestly and frankly. I explained we were divorcing, feelings were allowed and flowed freely, questions answered truthfully without burdening them with adult issues. They were frequently reasured that their parents issues were NOT thier fault or responsibility. I never put their dad down. Their relationship with him is their business. Kids are smart. If they have a safe place to fall they can cope with most things.

This is a great opportunity to teach your son how to handle the tough challenges of life.