Trying to get back together after sobriety?
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Trying to get back together after sobriety?
I left my AH 2 years ago because he wasn't willing to get sober and was having an A. We are legally separated but not divorced yet. He is sober 120days now. In the past couple of weeks he has started begging me to try and work things out.
I still love him but I do not trust or respect him. He swears he's ready to do whatever I need to put things right. I just can't seem to get past the mental hurdles. I'm finding it difficult to believe he won't cheat again. I'm starting to believe he's truly committed ot sobriety.
Does anyone have any experience with this? Going back to an AH after you've left and sobriety comes after the separation?
I still love him but I do not trust or respect him. He swears he's ready to do whatever I need to put things right. I just can't seem to get past the mental hurdles. I'm finding it difficult to believe he won't cheat again. I'm starting to believe he's truly committed ot sobriety.
Does anyone have any experience with this? Going back to an AH after you've left and sobriety comes after the separation?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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When you say "cheating," do you mean with another woman or with alcohol? If you mean with another woman, that would be a deal breaker for me, but everyone is different in that respect.
You say you no longer trust or respect him. It's extremely difficult to have much of a marriage without those two things. The fact that he has been sober for 120 days is good, but if you are still having problems with the mental hurdles, why the rush? If he can stay sober and working a program for a year, you might feel a little better about things. The main thing is not to let him rush you or push you into a decision you aren't fully ready to make. If he's determined to stay sober, he'll do it with or without you.
You say you no longer trust or respect him. It's extremely difficult to have much of a marriage without those two things. The fact that he has been sober for 120 days is good, but if you are still having problems with the mental hurdles, why the rush? If he can stay sober and working a program for a year, you might feel a little better about things. The main thing is not to let him rush you or push you into a decision you aren't fully ready to make. If he's determined to stay sober, he'll do it with or without you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
I'm glad you found us. We're here to support you by sharing our experience and strength.
Is your AH sober and recovering (learning new life skills) or is he just sober (not drinking)?
I'm glad you found us. We're here to support you by sharing our experience and strength.
Is your AH sober and recovering (learning new life skills) or is he just sober (not drinking)?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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He had an affair with another woman. I'm convinced that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been drinking or at least it wouldn't have started.
The trust and respect are gone now. I don't know, maybe it could grow back? I guess thats what I'm wondering.
I know that he'll stay sober on his with or without me. He got sober on his own. I wasn't part of the picture. He, in fact credits this other woman, with being there for him during the earliest days of his sobriety. He swears that he'll quit seeing her if I will take him back.
I do feel pressure. I'm trying to figure out in my mind how I could possibly trust him again. Is being sober really that much different? Is this behaviour thats going to resurface again? Is the tendency there regardless of his sobriety? Is he that much different as a sober person that I could trust him again?
I just don't know. I seem to meet people in al-anon who are going to stay married no matter what and those who have left and said good riddance. I just haven't met too many people in this situation. I could use some insite. Ultimately it comes down to trusting myself but I'd like to hear more from other people.
The trust and respect are gone now. I don't know, maybe it could grow back? I guess thats what I'm wondering.
I know that he'll stay sober on his with or without me. He got sober on his own. I wasn't part of the picture. He, in fact credits this other woman, with being there for him during the earliest days of his sobriety. He swears that he'll quit seeing her if I will take him back.
I do feel pressure. I'm trying to figure out in my mind how I could possibly trust him again. Is being sober really that much different? Is this behaviour thats going to resurface again? Is the tendency there regardless of his sobriety? Is he that much different as a sober person that I could trust him again?
I just don't know. I seem to meet people in al-anon who are going to stay married no matter what and those who have left and said good riddance. I just haven't met too many people in this situation. I could use some insite. Ultimately it comes down to trusting myself but I'd like to hear more from other people.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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oh pelican thanks for the welcome!
and the answer to your question is that i don't know. I spend no time with him at all. I cut off all contact with him last spring. We don't even see each other when he picks up our son for visitation. He's started calling recently and sending e-mails. He definitely seems to be a bit different and saying the right things. I'm not sure about his life skills and coping skills when put to the test.
He is attending meetings 2 -3 times a week he says. I take this as a good sign. Right now he is happy with being sober but I'm skeptical.
and the answer to your question is that i don't know. I spend no time with him at all. I cut off all contact with him last spring. We don't even see each other when he picks up our son for visitation. He's started calling recently and sending e-mails. He definitely seems to be a bit different and saying the right things. I'm not sure about his life skills and coping skills when put to the test.
He is attending meetings 2 -3 times a week he says. I take this as a good sign. Right now he is happy with being sober but I'm skeptical.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I do feel pressure. I'm trying to figure out in my mind how I could possibly trust him again. Is being sober really that much different? Is this behaviour thats going to resurface again? Is the tendency there regardless of his sobriety? Is he that much different as a sober person that I could trust him again?
There are never any guarantees; I'm sure you know that. It's a tough situation to be in for sure. The thing that gets me is...he credits this other woman with helping him and it sounds like he's still seeing her, but says he'll stop if you'll take him back. Why can't he stop seeing her now? Is he saying that if you don't come back, he's going to stay with this other woman? Of course, we don't know the whole story, but with what you've said here, if it were me in your shoes, I'd tell him to stay where he is and that I'll be filing for divorce. You deserve SO MUCH better!
There are never any guarantees; I'm sure you know that. It's a tough situation to be in for sure. The thing that gets me is...he credits this other woman with helping him and it sounds like he's still seeing her, but says he'll stop if you'll take him back. Why can't he stop seeing her now? Is he saying that if you don't come back, he's going to stay with this other woman? Of course, we don't know the whole story, but with what you've said here, if it were me in your shoes, I'd tell him to stay where he is and that I'll be filing for divorce. You deserve SO MUCH better!
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Thats a tough one and I personally don't have experience of my AH having any sobriety, although I do have experience of an affair. The affair was the easy one for me, as he stopped all contact with her, it was internet affair, so no intimacy to deal with and I was able to forgive him for that and move on. I also trust him that it wont happen again. He made promises about this one that he has stuck to.
Trust with lying and alcohol is what I have difficulty with. I have also heard my AH tell me that he will do whatever it takes to put things right, time and time again and he is still drinking. This is an empty promise or quacking.
You have a double whammy here, because it sound as if you havent even come to terms with the affair, have forgiven him or moved on and that would be a HUGE hurdle even for a wife of a non-alcoholic. You throw alcoholism into the mix, no wonder you are finding it difficult.
Can I suggest that you separate the two for the time being and try some couple counseling where you only deal with the affair. If you make good progress with this and repair this part of the marriage and begin to trust him again, then tackle the sobriety. This could also be a bit of a test about how serious he is at making things work, if he is indeed willing to do whatever it takes and the time and effort to put this right.
Trust with lying and alcohol is what I have difficulty with. I have also heard my AH tell me that he will do whatever it takes to put things right, time and time again and he is still drinking. This is an empty promise or quacking.
You have a double whammy here, because it sound as if you havent even come to terms with the affair, have forgiven him or moved on and that would be a HUGE hurdle even for a wife of a non-alcoholic. You throw alcoholism into the mix, no wonder you are finding it difficult.
Can I suggest that you separate the two for the time being and try some couple counseling where you only deal with the affair. If you make good progress with this and repair this part of the marriage and begin to trust him again, then tackle the sobriety. This could also be a bit of a test about how serious he is at making things work, if he is indeed willing to do whatever it takes and the time and effort to put this right.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by BeautifulG 
I know that he'll stay sober on his with or without me. He got sober on his own. I wasn't part of the picture. He, in fact credits this other woman, with being there for him during the earliest days of his sobriety. He swears that he'll quit seeing her if I will take him back.
I do feel pressure..
I do feel pressure..
He is being honest about his relationship with the other woman. He is willing to leave her if you will take him back, BUT if you don't take him back?????He stays with her???? Where are his priorities?
I'll share a tip that someone in Alanon shared with me:
"you don't have to solve this by 3 p.m. do you?"
Give yourself time. Keep working on your recovery. More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Originally Posted by BeautifulG
He swears that he'll quit seeing her if I will take him back.
Dealbreaker!!!
The minute I found out about my husbands affair, he stopped it dead. He told me what I wanted to hear and followed through with it. We attended counseling together and came out the other side whole.
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oh geez!
You guys are wonderful. Just writing it out and getting feedback has made think of something so obvious! I've been thinking of him as though he were actually standing on his own 2 feet, living on his own like an adult, and staying sober. No his not! He's replaced his co-dependency on me and alcohol with his her and his continued relationship with her.
He told me so many times during the first year after I found out about the affair that he wouldn't see her anymore. We went to counseling a few times. He continued to lie to me about and see her. He wasn't sober. I've wanted to blame the continuation of the affair on his drinking but he's still not living with out a crutch even sober.
You guys are wonderful. Just writing it out and getting feedback has made think of something so obvious! I've been thinking of him as though he were actually standing on his own 2 feet, living on his own like an adult, and staying sober. No his not! He's replaced his co-dependency on me and alcohol with his her and his continued relationship with her.
He told me so many times during the first year after I found out about the affair that he wouldn't see her anymore. We went to counseling a few times. He continued to lie to me about and see her. He wasn't sober. I've wanted to blame the continuation of the affair on his drinking but he's still not living with out a crutch even sober.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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My experience is similar - RAh and I separated b/c of his drinking and he did get sober and asked for a reunion. We tried, it was good at first and then it wasn't. We are still separated.
I agree that it is important to listen to your gut instincts. Go slow if you choose to try and are you going to alanon? will you be in MC? what is the status of the other woman and how do you feel about that? That is the one thing I haven't had with my RAH in/out his addiction.
Keep talking and let us know what you are thinking and keep reading/asking questions here. I think recovery for the spouse is about learning to trust your instincts again and taking care of yourself.
I agree that it is important to listen to your gut instincts. Go slow if you choose to try and are you going to alanon? will you be in MC? what is the status of the other woman and how do you feel about that? That is the one thing I haven't had with my RAH in/out his addiction.
Keep talking and let us know what you are thinking and keep reading/asking questions here. I think recovery for the spouse is about learning to trust your instincts again and taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
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Originally Posted by BeautifulG
oh geez!
You guys are wonderful. Just writing it out and getting feedback has made think of something so obvious! I've been thinking of him as though he were actually standing on his own 2 feet, living on his own like an adult, and staying sober. No his not! He's replaced his co-dependency on me and alcohol with his her and his continued relationship with her.
He told me so many times during the first year after I found out about the affair that he wouldn't see her anymore. We went to counseling a few times. He continued to lie to me about and see her. He wasn't sober. I've wanted to blame the continuation of the affair on his drinking but he's still not living with out a crutch even sober.
You guys are wonderful. Just writing it out and getting feedback has made think of something so obvious! I've been thinking of him as though he were actually standing on his own 2 feet, living on his own like an adult, and staying sober. No his not! He's replaced his co-dependency on me and alcohol with his her and his continued relationship with her.
He told me so many times during the first year after I found out about the affair that he wouldn't see her anymore. We went to counseling a few times. He continued to lie to me about and see her. He wasn't sober. I've wanted to blame the continuation of the affair on his drinking but he's still not living with out a crutch even sober.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Beautiful G...You did answer your own question, Just my opinion, but I would not entertain the thought of a reconciliation unless he was 1 year sober and in a program of recovery, and completely broken up with girlfriend.
I left my exabf, we were living together, because of his drinking. He went to AA, and when he was sober 90 days, I agreed to spend time with him again. I later realized that I wasn't ready, and neither was he. After 2 months, mostly good, but just not right, I ended it again, and have been no contact for almost 4 months.
He seemed to put all his focus on getting me back to living with him, and in my opinion, the time spent in that endeavor was time away from his own recovery.
I feel that I must be strong and healthy, and happy all on my own. I don't know what he is doing, I hear he is still sober and working his program. But I need time, and I trust that my Higher Power will let me know when I feel comfortable to perhaps let someone else in. And until then, I choose to live my life without a man for the first time in my life.
Take care of you, you clearly have great instincts
I left my exabf, we were living together, because of his drinking. He went to AA, and when he was sober 90 days, I agreed to spend time with him again. I later realized that I wasn't ready, and neither was he. After 2 months, mostly good, but just not right, I ended it again, and have been no contact for almost 4 months.
He seemed to put all his focus on getting me back to living with him, and in my opinion, the time spent in that endeavor was time away from his own recovery.
I feel that I must be strong and healthy, and happy all on my own. I don't know what he is doing, I hear he is still sober and working his program. But I need time, and I trust that my Higher Power will let me know when I feel comfortable to perhaps let someone else in. And until then, I choose to live my life without a man for the first time in my life.
Take care of you, you clearly have great instincts
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I took my wife back after a two year separation...
...and while sober at the time, she was not in recovery and she did relapse several times.
It was hell.
Fast forward three years and she is in recovery voluntarily, and has four months of sustained sobriety. This is a first. However, she also knows that I'm nearing the end of my rope and the next relapse may be the last (I say that now but it could be complete crap-- I'm not good at enforcing these boundaries with her-- I pray I'll never find out).
Good luck with this decision. I'd encourage you to be actively working an Al-Anon recovery program if you decide to make another go of it with your alcoholic cheater instead of a different kind of man altogether (who also won't come with a guarantee), or no man at all.
For what it's worth, today and only today, I'm happy I took her back. Ask me again tomorrow and I may say the opposite.
Cyranoak
P.s. As far as I'm concerned the cheating and alcohol are unrelated. One does not in any way justify the other. I rebuke alcohol as an excuse for this. I've been drunk more than once over the last 12 years, including at several bachelor parties, and NEVER cheated on my wife despite having opportunities. They are completely separate issues. Were I to find out she ever cheated on me it would be over instantly. Instantly. There is no scenario in which I will ever accept cheating.
It was hell.
Fast forward three years and she is in recovery voluntarily, and has four months of sustained sobriety. This is a first. However, she also knows that I'm nearing the end of my rope and the next relapse may be the last (I say that now but it could be complete crap-- I'm not good at enforcing these boundaries with her-- I pray I'll never find out).
Good luck with this decision. I'd encourage you to be actively working an Al-Anon recovery program if you decide to make another go of it with your alcoholic cheater instead of a different kind of man altogether (who also won't come with a guarantee), or no man at all.
For what it's worth, today and only today, I'm happy I took her back. Ask me again tomorrow and I may say the opposite.
Cyranoak
P.s. As far as I'm concerned the cheating and alcohol are unrelated. One does not in any way justify the other. I rebuke alcohol as an excuse for this. I've been drunk more than once over the last 12 years, including at several bachelor parties, and NEVER cheated on my wife despite having opportunities. They are completely separate issues. Were I to find out she ever cheated on me it would be over instantly. Instantly. There is no scenario in which I will ever accept cheating.
Originally Posted by BeautifulG
I left my AH 2 years ago because he wasn't willing to get sober and was having an A. We are legally separated but not divorced yet. He is sober 120days now. In the past couple of weeks he has started begging me to try and work things out.
I still love him but I do not trust or respect him. He swears he's ready to do whatever I need to put things right. I just can't seem to get past the mental hurdles. I'm finding it difficult to believe he won't cheat again. I'm starting to believe he's truly committed ot sobriety.
Does anyone have any experience with this? Going back to an AH after you've left and sobriety comes after the separation?
I still love him but I do not trust or respect him. He swears he's ready to do whatever I need to put things right. I just can't seem to get past the mental hurdles. I'm finding it difficult to believe he won't cheat again. I'm starting to believe he's truly committed ot sobriety.
Does anyone have any experience with this? Going back to an AH after you've left and sobriety comes after the separation?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
your post initially read as if he was not with her, and wanted to be with you.
then it seemed as if you were saying that he is still with her, but emailing you about reconciling?
I cant tell what is going on, here, but, if he is with her and emailing you, he is actually cheating on her in a way, which is not a good sign.
Maybe he is contacting you because things are not going smooth with her?
I may be reading this all wrong.
then it seemed as if you were saying that he is still with her, but emailing you about reconciling?
I cant tell what is going on, here, but, if he is with her and emailing you, he is actually cheating on her in a way, which is not a good sign.
Maybe he is contacting you because things are not going smooth with her?
I may be reading this all wrong.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by BeautifulG
I still love him but I do not trust or respect him. He swears he's ready to do whatever I need to put things right. I just can't seem to get past the mental hurdles. I'm finding it difficult to believe he won't cheat again. I'm starting to believe he's truly committed ot sobriety.
If he's truly committed to sobriety, then he will still be sober in another 120 days, or another 365 days, or another 3 years. You'll know when the time is right, if it ever is right. It might not be and that's okay too. You don't owe him a marriage/relationship as a reward for sobriety. Sobriety is it's own reward.
Take however much time you need until you absolutely trust and respect him and want him back--and if it doesn't happen, then you haven't lost anything except a relationship where there is love but no trust or respect.
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