PHIZ007

Happy Valentines Day Guys!....and dear me what a terrible start to mine and I am quite annoyed with myself (yeh Yeh I know we are all human) but......

Last night my AH got annoyed again with me/at me however you want to put it.....after two bottles of wine I might add. This is happening almost every night now (him going off) and I am so so over it but this morning after his outburst last night I myself had an outburst at him whilst I was cooking breakfast!! and I am so cross that I let it all get to me.....

He gave me a valentines card this morning saying how much he loves me and a gift voucher for a pedicure/manicure....which is great as I love doing that BUT I couldn't bring myself to get him a card atall as I wouldn't be being true to myself atall......so He got nothing...which he appeared fine with but I guess that would hurt somewhat.......however my point is that he acted like nothing had happened this morning, like he hadn't said or been atall nasty or rude to me last night. I incidently leave the room when he is like that and I went to bed but not before hearing some of his crap......now it really ***** me that when he has these outbursts the next morning he acts like nothing had happened yet I am hurt upset and find it totally inappropriate that he can't even acknowledge his bad behaviour let alone apologies!! .....I am cross with myself this morning for letting my own anger and bad behaviour out - haven't done that in a long while so feel like I have taken a step or two back.

Now I also believe half the time he doesn't even remember what he says to me but he knows damn well that he was out of order....he is pretty angry at the moment as he has noticed I have detached. I told him that I have had to do this in order to survive in a marriage where he is not their physically or emotionally and hasn't been in a long time.....maybe he feels like he is losing control and I am not playing the game any more.

Sorry for the waffle but I am cross, upset, and am glad he stormed out to have breakfast elsewhere!! Just need to vent a bit I think.......I realise I reacted badly but I am sick to death of him pretending everything is ok after yet another drunken verbal outburst. It sucks! I moved back into the spare room three weeks ago and its really peaceful there - don't think he has even noticed.

I love him and I hate him.......someone else wrote that in a thread recently and that is so how I feel. During the day he can be kind, loving, caring, supportive etc but come 6pm when he needs his fix its all over! it's all about him and his affair with the bottle.......

I let myself down this morning but I feel better already for posting. Thanks for letting me vent. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Now thats better.....take care all Phiz :

Kassie2

Someone is listening. Sorry for the difficulty day. Glad you posted. When you are up to it, have you read stuff on detachment and boundaries? I found it helpful when living with an active A to keep me together before and after.
It is definitely maddening at the time, but how we respond to it is what either bothers us later or allows us to be ok anyway.

GiveLove

((( Phiz )))

Eight Ball

Been there and done that. I screamed at my AH the other week and that wasn't a pleasant look. Luckily for me, he said that was a good thing and I was obviously getting out a lot of built up resentment and anger, as I never normally react to him that way. I still felt bad though. I think that comes from us being 'reasonable' and realising that its disrespectful to act that way to your partner. I always apologise too, whereas AH does not.

Were allowed to get it wrong too sometimes you know. Chin up and put it behind you.

barb dwyer

****{PHIZ}}}
justa hug.

Gold

Hugs Mate
There is a fine line between love and hate sometimes.

PHIZ007

Thanks Guys! I am still struggling this week! I am so angry with him and its all coming out this very week! I haven't been this mad in a long time! Infact I thought I was dealing with things quite well then out of nowhere it appeared to rage!....I guess it has been buidling up!

I took myself out to the movies today to just get lost in someone else's life for the morning!! and I am feeling much better.

I am angry at the disease that has taken so much of him away from me.....I guess this too shall pass......thanks for SR it really helps me! ......one day at a time right?.....one moment at a time if necessary......I am going to go back and read some of the posts to get myself back on the right road...Take care all Phiz :0)

I feel awful for my anger and some of the terrible things I have shouted at him this week.......

Live

Anger tells us when our boundaries are crossed. If I had someone chewing me up for sport in the evenings I would get pretty angry too.
I have done the yelling and throw it back at them stuff...but I really think that then I actually feel worse for it than he did.

Kassie2

Your last entry reminded of a woman who spoke up at an alanon meeting when I first attended and it stuck with me for a long time - this woman stood up crying and angry - at the illness! she came from a multi-generational A family - her g-parents, parents, self, several husbands, and now children. It was put so well as she stay focused on separating the illness from the people in her life. That the time it really sunk in for me. I was very amazed to listen to someone so wise - who obviously lived through a lot of a suffering and still had pain - but could separate the illness from the people. Wow.

PHIZ007

Wow Kassie that is really interesting....and thanks Live you are right my boundaries have been crossed - time to reasses them I think.

This Alcoholism thing is all new to me.....well not new asuch as I have been with him for ten years but what I mean is I have no other experience of it. I grew up in a fairly normal well rounded family - (LOL! whats normal I hear you all cry!!).

Unfortunately MY AH didn't - his family are and were very dysfunctional and although I understand with his background why he is the way he is it still totally sucks for me as his wife!!

His mother always buried her head in the sand about everything - still does! His father took little notice of him ever....his mothers answer to everything is to go to church and pray!...and as a little boy if it wasn't church related he wasn't allowed go!....very controlling very dysfunctional and oh so damaging to him and his siblings - all of which have issues. I guess that was the start of getting lost in the bottle when he was a bit older.

Take care Phiz

Jadmack25

Hi PHIZ, have you and your man in my thoughts and prayers. I shake my head in wonder at how some parents use God as a terror tactic and scare the hell out of them for life.

Don't be cross with yourself. You already get enough of that cr*p from him.

God bless

Learn2Live

Your post reminds me of my mother who has stayed with my A father 50 years. She has high blood pressure and has to take 3 medicines every day for it. She keeps telling me I have to get my anger (and other things) under control, else I am going to end up with HBPressure too.

When I lose control of my temper like you have; and when I let it keep me angry like you have, sooner or later (usually later) I look back on it and realize (1) how VERY MUCH of my one precious life I just WASTED and (2) how my inability to control this part of myself has AGAIN caused me to Relapse into other, harmful, unhealthy behaviors.

And then I say "Oh! IF ONLY I could kick this bad habit once and for all!" knowing damn well it isn't THE HABIT that keeps me imprisoned; it is my emotionality and overreacting that keep me imprisoned. Sometimes I wish I would never have to talk to or deal with another human being ever again. But that would be rather dull and boring being stuck with just me, wouldn't it?

Thanks for sharing.

PHIZ007

Thank you so much guys! Your opinion and insight is so so helpful to me. We all got here along a similar (although often different) path and there are so many people further along than me and so many that are no doubt behind.

SR is such a wonderful place where I truly appreciate others input. It is great therapy for me to read it as it really is.

Take care my dear SR friends and thank you again, wishing you peace and happiness along the way. Phiz