Alcoholics NEED to suffer...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Alcoholics NEED to suffer...
This is a new layer of insight for me.
On Christmas, my clarity was bolstered on this issue:
My A sons father wanted to spend Christmas with us at my house this past December, and after much going back and forth, I reluctantly agreed, so that my son could have a happy time. My A needed a ride, as his van battery was dead. I picked him up, he spent Xmas eve...It was as nice as could be, he did not turn ugly, just fell asleep.
On Christmas morning, he was good for about three hours. Then I could see he was beginning to hit his "wall". His wall comes when he is anxious about having Normal interactions in real life, and he needs to get away to drink.
Now, if he was able to admit this, it would be a progressive and healthier thing, but he is not able to do that. What he does, instead, is he picks a fight, accusing me of ridiculous things, or insists he has to leave for some ficticious or otherwise transparent reason.
On that afternoon, he asked me to ride him to his house, in the bar strip part of town, instead of coming with us to see my family then his, eat good food, be with loved ones. I reminded him that his van was out, and no one would be around on Christmas to help. He lied to himself, and to me saying he would find a ride no matter what to his uncles house and meet up later. I dropped him off.
Within three hours he was calling from the bar stool, crying and whining that he was alone on Christmas.
Now...Wouldn't it be difficult to justify spending Christmas getting loaded alone in a bar/comfort zone if everything was great? Yes. It would seem and feel pathetic, AND would make the disease and the uncontrollable aspect of his disease stand out like a purple elephant.
He NEEDS to be in constant suffering, pain, conflict, victimization, or persecution or else he cannot justify his compulsion to go away from happy, light heartedness into dark, crappiness.
Every time he "tries to come home" and be with us, he hits this same wall. He is very transparent, but he thinks he is stealth. He has to pick a fight. Sometimes there is existing tension enough on my end to make the flame, but very often there is nothing to even start a spark with. These are the times that he just whipps up some kind of fictional drama. These are the times that leave me with my head spinning,"What just happened?"
What happened was this:
He NEEDED to create a situation that he could "drink over"...Some thing that suits his image of someone who should be drinking at 2pm, or 4pm...or 8pm...
I think this fans the flames of their narcissism. It serves their disease to be victimized, persecuted...so they have to make EVERY THING about THEM. THEY work sooo hard, and its so stressful and HARD FOR THEM that their son is sick. (WHAT?!!?). Yes, it is stressful, but he goes above and beyond, then runs out to drink on it.
Just my little revelation. It has been keeping me sane for a few weeks.
On Christmas, my clarity was bolstered on this issue:
My A sons father wanted to spend Christmas with us at my house this past December, and after much going back and forth, I reluctantly agreed, so that my son could have a happy time. My A needed a ride, as his van battery was dead. I picked him up, he spent Xmas eve...It was as nice as could be, he did not turn ugly, just fell asleep.
On Christmas morning, he was good for about three hours. Then I could see he was beginning to hit his "wall". His wall comes when he is anxious about having Normal interactions in real life, and he needs to get away to drink.
Now, if he was able to admit this, it would be a progressive and healthier thing, but he is not able to do that. What he does, instead, is he picks a fight, accusing me of ridiculous things, or insists he has to leave for some ficticious or otherwise transparent reason.
On that afternoon, he asked me to ride him to his house, in the bar strip part of town, instead of coming with us to see my family then his, eat good food, be with loved ones. I reminded him that his van was out, and no one would be around on Christmas to help. He lied to himself, and to me saying he would find a ride no matter what to his uncles house and meet up later. I dropped him off.
Within three hours he was calling from the bar stool, crying and whining that he was alone on Christmas.
Now...Wouldn't it be difficult to justify spending Christmas getting loaded alone in a bar/comfort zone if everything was great? Yes. It would seem and feel pathetic, AND would make the disease and the uncontrollable aspect of his disease stand out like a purple elephant.
He NEEDS to be in constant suffering, pain, conflict, victimization, or persecution or else he cannot justify his compulsion to go away from happy, light heartedness into dark, crappiness.
Every time he "tries to come home" and be with us, he hits this same wall. He is very transparent, but he thinks he is stealth. He has to pick a fight. Sometimes there is existing tension enough on my end to make the flame, but very often there is nothing to even start a spark with. These are the times that he just whipps up some kind of fictional drama. These are the times that leave me with my head spinning,"What just happened?"
What happened was this:
He NEEDED to create a situation that he could "drink over"...Some thing that suits his image of someone who should be drinking at 2pm, or 4pm...or 8pm...
I think this fans the flames of their narcissism. It serves their disease to be victimized, persecuted...so they have to make EVERY THING about THEM. THEY work sooo hard, and its so stressful and HARD FOR THEM that their son is sick. (WHAT?!!?). Yes, it is stressful, but he goes above and beyond, then runs out to drink on it.
Just my little revelation. It has been keeping me sane for a few weeks.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Well, if he thinks about it enough, he'll realize he shouldn't need the excuse of suffering as the crutch to drink. He can just go ahead and drink at any hour, for no reason at all. How liberating!
He might not feel to great a that point as he is even more of an alcoholic, and the booze is doing a good job of ruining his life, which is a bit of a downer. Nothing that a bit more booze can't mask...
He might not feel to great a that point as he is even more of an alcoholic, and the booze is doing a good job of ruining his life, which is a bit of a downer. Nothing that a bit more booze can't mask...
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