Is my wife an Alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pinellas Park, FL
Posts: 1
Is my wife an Alcoholic?
This is my first post, so please bear with me. I will post a little background information first and then you guys can let me know if I am over thinking my situation.
My wife and I met about 5 and a half years ago. While we dated, there was what I call social drinking, by both of us. Once or twice during the week and one or twice on the weekend. After some time, my wife got pregnant. While she was pregnant, she stopped drinking entirely, and I did as well. Not long after our daughter was born, she started to drink some wine again here and there. Then it seemed that there was a bottle in the house almost constantly. She would drink half the bottle one night and finish the rest the next night. When I asked her to slow down, she would skip a day or two in between bottles, but it would never stop altogether. She would tell me "A little wine is good for you".
That went on for a few years. Then, she lost one of her part time jobs, and the economy started to slide. Money got REAL tight around the house. Of course there were times when emotions ran high because of it and our relationship started to suffer. It was at this time that she stopped drinking almost all together. Only had a drink every once in a while.
That lasted about 6 to 8 months. Now she is back to drinking every day, except this time it is beer. At least 2 but usually 3 beers a night. When I bring up my concerns, she tells me "It's no big deal", "I'm an adult", "I deserve a drink" and "I've had a long/rough day and need to relax", among others. If there is no beer in the house, she will make a special trip up to the store just to get some. We have been completely out of coffee and creamer, which she LOVES to have in the morning, but she will forget to buy some while she is at the store but come home with beer. She came home from a trip last night at 10:30pm. She said that she was tired and wanted to get to bed, but still went to the fridge and pulled out the last beer she had. When I looked at her crazy thinking, it's 10:30 at night, if you're tired, why would you even bother opening a beer, just go to sleep. She told me she had a stressful day wanted to relax. Stressful day? I'm the one that works 14-16 hour days 6 days a week!!! She works 9:00am-12:30pm, drops our daughter off at afternoon childcare at 2:00pm, goes home and takes a nap, and then picks our daughter back up at 5:00pm. After cooking dinner and getting her cleaned up, she gets ready to put our daughter to be around 8:00pm and is ready for bed herself around 10:00-10:30pm.
I know our relationship hasn't been the greatest over the last year to a year and a half, and I'm sure half of it is my fault. It has actually been pretty rough at times. I feel some of my problem is me seeing her drinking and it is affecting me. On my side, my grandfather was an alcoholic and died from it, my Aunt is an alcoholic. On her side, her father is and alcoholic as well as her stepmom, I never see her mom without a glass of wine in her hand either. Also, my wife is currently taking Floxetine daily for depression, so I don't know how that works into the mix, but I have a feeling it isn't helping.
Does anybody have any thoughts? Am I just paranoid or does anybody think she might have a problem?
My wife and I met about 5 and a half years ago. While we dated, there was what I call social drinking, by both of us. Once or twice during the week and one or twice on the weekend. After some time, my wife got pregnant. While she was pregnant, she stopped drinking entirely, and I did as well. Not long after our daughter was born, she started to drink some wine again here and there. Then it seemed that there was a bottle in the house almost constantly. She would drink half the bottle one night and finish the rest the next night. When I asked her to slow down, she would skip a day or two in between bottles, but it would never stop altogether. She would tell me "A little wine is good for you".
That went on for a few years. Then, she lost one of her part time jobs, and the economy started to slide. Money got REAL tight around the house. Of course there were times when emotions ran high because of it and our relationship started to suffer. It was at this time that she stopped drinking almost all together. Only had a drink every once in a while.
That lasted about 6 to 8 months. Now she is back to drinking every day, except this time it is beer. At least 2 but usually 3 beers a night. When I bring up my concerns, she tells me "It's no big deal", "I'm an adult", "I deserve a drink" and "I've had a long/rough day and need to relax", among others. If there is no beer in the house, she will make a special trip up to the store just to get some. We have been completely out of coffee and creamer, which she LOVES to have in the morning, but she will forget to buy some while she is at the store but come home with beer. She came home from a trip last night at 10:30pm. She said that she was tired and wanted to get to bed, but still went to the fridge and pulled out the last beer she had. When I looked at her crazy thinking, it's 10:30 at night, if you're tired, why would you even bother opening a beer, just go to sleep. She told me she had a stressful day wanted to relax. Stressful day? I'm the one that works 14-16 hour days 6 days a week!!! She works 9:00am-12:30pm, drops our daughter off at afternoon childcare at 2:00pm, goes home and takes a nap, and then picks our daughter back up at 5:00pm. After cooking dinner and getting her cleaned up, she gets ready to put our daughter to be around 8:00pm and is ready for bed herself around 10:00-10:30pm.
I know our relationship hasn't been the greatest over the last year to a year and a half, and I'm sure half of it is my fault. It has actually been pretty rough at times. I feel some of my problem is me seeing her drinking and it is affecting me. On my side, my grandfather was an alcoholic and died from it, my Aunt is an alcoholic. On her side, her father is and alcoholic as well as her stepmom, I never see her mom without a glass of wine in her hand either. Also, my wife is currently taking Floxetine daily for depression, so I don't know how that works into the mix, but I have a feeling it isn't helping.
Does anybody have any thoughts? Am I just paranoid or does anybody think she might have a problem?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I wish I could be of more help to you. This forum will become your touchstone. I love it! Wish I'd found it last year instead of this year. Are you certain she is ONLY drinking beer? Is it all possible she is doing pain pills also?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I have an occassional glass of wine. Sometimes more than one/two in the same week. Sometimes I just seem to want one more than other times. And sometimes, weeks go by without. My ABF knows that if he ever asked me to not order the glass while we are out for dinner, that I would not order it, would not pout, would not say anthing, would not put my desire ahead of his comfort level (he is sober). The people in my life, that are close to me, do not suggest that I may be an alcoholic.
What I'm trying to say, is that you are questioning for a reason. You may not even be able to fully articulate that reason. But in my opinion, people go to that place (the questioning) because they have already ascertained the truth, and now they're looking to verify it. I don't think you'd be wondering and struggling with what is the truth, if you were wrong about it. It's not paranoia. Especially if you are from an alcoholic family system.....we know these people, we can identify them without always even knowing why or how. It's a radar sometimes.
Now, have you considered attending Al-anon?
What I'm trying to say, is that you are questioning for a reason. You may not even be able to fully articulate that reason. But in my opinion, people go to that place (the questioning) because they have already ascertained the truth, and now they're looking to verify it. I don't think you'd be wondering and struggling with what is the truth, if you were wrong about it. It's not paranoia. Especially if you are from an alcoholic family system.....we know these people, we can identify them without always even knowing why or how. It's a radar sometimes.
Now, have you considered attending Al-anon?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Hi there. Welcome to the sight. I just posted my first post yesterday "Does my husband have a problem?"
I'm learning things and probably don't have the best advice for you since I'm asking the same questions. I can tell you though that these people on here are great and I'm sure that they will help you alot. One thing they have already explained to me is that if it's a problem for you then it's a problem. You shouldn't have to worry about this constantly. They will also probably tell you to look into a Al anon meeting. I've never been to one but I'm considering making the drive to go.
I hope that you learn alot here and find a source of strength. I know I am.
I'm learning things and probably don't have the best advice for you since I'm asking the same questions. I can tell you though that these people on here are great and I'm sure that they will help you alot. One thing they have already explained to me is that if it's a problem for you then it's a problem. You shouldn't have to worry about this constantly. They will also probably tell you to look into a Al anon meeting. I've never been to one but I'm considering making the drive to go.
I hope that you learn alot here and find a source of strength. I know I am.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. Please read and post as much as needed.
Alcohol is a depressant. The label on anti-depressants usually comes with a warning not to mix with alcohol.
Is she or isn't she? Who knows for sure?
Her drinking is a problem for you. Therefore, you need to focus on your problem and find your solution. Alanon, SR and counseling can help you sort out your feelings, emotions and establish healthy boundaries.
One of the tools that helps me with another's alcoholism is remembering the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
I no longer make myself crazy trying to control/fix another adults behaviors. I am able to focus on my needs and my life.
Your children will need you to make healthy choices for yourself and them.
You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. Please read and post as much as needed.
Alcohol is a depressant. The label on anti-depressants usually comes with a warning not to mix with alcohol.
Is she or isn't she? Who knows for sure?
Her drinking is a problem for you. Therefore, you need to focus on your problem and find your solution. Alanon, SR and counseling can help you sort out your feelings, emotions and establish healthy boundaries.
One of the tools that helps me with another's alcoholism is remembering the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
I no longer make myself crazy trying to control/fix another adults behaviors. I am able to focus on my needs and my life.
Your children will need you to make healthy choices for yourself and them.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
If she is drinking only two or three beers a night she is probably not definitively an alcoholic. For some two or three beers relaxes them. If this is her reaction to it there is probably little harm. There are better things she could be doing, but she could be doing a LOT worse also. Maybe you should approach the topic with her as to how her drinking makes you feel and not your concern for her.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Just a few random observations:
-Drinking to relieve stress is a great big red flag. Although 2-3 beers a night isn't a large amount, it's enough to get a female buzzed. My alcoholic boyfriend has told me all about using alcohol to "medicate" his stress. It ended up with him getting stopped for a DUI and deciding sobriety is his only option. He was a six-pack a night guy, which in many cultures isn't considered excessive. It's not the amount--it's the compulsive character of the usage, the reasons why they use, and possibly an organic physical disorder that causes alcoholics to process alcohol differently than nonalcoholics.
-Alcoholics are experts at hiding how much they drink. Not saying your wife is lying to you, but I wouldn't assume she's telling the truth, either.
-Her day sounds plenty stressful to me with the kids and cooking dinner for the family. It's not like she's sitting around watching the soaps all day. I've learned that comparing my stress level tit for tat with my boyfriend's only leads to grief and "mine's bigger/better than yours." This isn't an excuse for her drinking; just a suggestion that you ask yourself honestly whether her contributions to the family are worthy of your appreciation, regardless of how they compare with yours.
Best of luck to you, and keep reading SR.
-Drinking to relieve stress is a great big red flag. Although 2-3 beers a night isn't a large amount, it's enough to get a female buzzed. My alcoholic boyfriend has told me all about using alcohol to "medicate" his stress. It ended up with him getting stopped for a DUI and deciding sobriety is his only option. He was a six-pack a night guy, which in many cultures isn't considered excessive. It's not the amount--it's the compulsive character of the usage, the reasons why they use, and possibly an organic physical disorder that causes alcoholics to process alcohol differently than nonalcoholics.
-Alcoholics are experts at hiding how much they drink. Not saying your wife is lying to you, but I wouldn't assume she's telling the truth, either.
-Her day sounds plenty stressful to me with the kids and cooking dinner for the family. It's not like she's sitting around watching the soaps all day. I've learned that comparing my stress level tit for tat with my boyfriend's only leads to grief and "mine's bigger/better than yours." This isn't an excuse for her drinking; just a suggestion that you ask yourself honestly whether her contributions to the family are worthy of your appreciation, regardless of how they compare with yours.
Best of luck to you, and keep reading SR.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
The NIH (National Institute of Health) defines "heavy drinking" for a woman to be anything over 7 drinks per week. Anything beyond that can cause health problems. That's one measure.
You can google "alcoholic quiz" and get lots of hits. Here's one you can try: If I drink alcohol, How Much is Too Much? www.AlcoholScreening.org
You can google "alcoholic quiz" and get lots of hits. Here's one you can try: If I drink alcohol, How Much is Too Much? www.AlcoholScreening.org
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Joe
I think you are seeing some red flags. Vision a road about a mile long. Along that road the drinking becomes more and worse. It is a progressive disease. If you wife is alcoholic, she isn't too far down that road. Now this is what you have told us AND have seen. My wife often had been drinking before I got home from work and hid wine and vodka around the house. She was damn good at hiding until the end of her benders.
The thing is the alcoholic wants that 'feeling'. That was my goal, that was my wifes goal and pretty much everyone else in AA/NA. We push anything aside to get that 'feeling'. At first it is just wanting that feeling but after that it is a must to 'get back there'.
OK, what are you in for.... Bad side- She continues down this path for years have a major inpact on your marriage and ending in,, well not fun. The good side- She isn't alcoholic and is using drinking as a escape and comes out of it. I see both the good and bad sides available from what you telling us today.
If you really talked to your wife about her drinking and let her know your family members who had issues and you are really concerned and she doesn't seem to care,, well I'm sorry you are in for the bad side of alcoholism. Denial and I'm taking drinking over the husbands deep requests. I hope you are able to see where I am going and if you have other questions please ask.
AG
I think you are seeing some red flags. Vision a road about a mile long. Along that road the drinking becomes more and worse. It is a progressive disease. If you wife is alcoholic, she isn't too far down that road. Now this is what you have told us AND have seen. My wife often had been drinking before I got home from work and hid wine and vodka around the house. She was damn good at hiding until the end of her benders.
The thing is the alcoholic wants that 'feeling'. That was my goal, that was my wifes goal and pretty much everyone else in AA/NA. We push anything aside to get that 'feeling'. At first it is just wanting that feeling but after that it is a must to 'get back there'.
OK, what are you in for.... Bad side- She continues down this path for years have a major inpact on your marriage and ending in,, well not fun. The good side- She isn't alcoholic and is using drinking as a escape and comes out of it. I see both the good and bad sides available from what you telling us today.
If you really talked to your wife about her drinking and let her know your family members who had issues and you are really concerned and she doesn't seem to care,, well I'm sorry you are in for the bad side of alcoholism. Denial and I'm taking drinking over the husbands deep requests. I hope you are able to see where I am going and if you have other questions please ask.
AG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by totfit 
If she is drinking only two or three beers a night she is probably not definitively an alcoholic. For some two or three beers relaxes them. If this is her reaction to it there is probably little harm. There are better things she could be doing, but she could be doing a LOT worse also. Maybe you should approach the topic with her as to how her drinking makes you feel and not your concern for her.
If it has become a problem for the poster, enough to seek out this site, then I would say that his wife definitely does have a drinking problem at the very least.
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