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Selfishness and Ecocentricism

Old 02-13-2010, 04:08 AM
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Selfishness and Ecocentricism

Now I'm not sure this is even an alochol relating issue, but it is very maddening and disheartening nonetheless. I have been in the hospital since Wednesday evening because I had to have medicine to stop from delivering my baby. Well, some of AH - whom I am seperating from - comments have been while I am laying here in the hospital....Well, we all have bent over backwards to help you this week, some comments about him having all the responsiblity of the kids for 3 days and how unfair it is, how tired he is, how he couldn't believe he had to sleep in the recliner the first night I was here because my younger sons climbed in my bed scared when I had to leave, how he is always second string.............these are not really as great nor demeaning as the way he said them, but how can he possibily make this all about him????????? I have never in my life seen someone who can make EVERYTHING - ALL THE TIME - about him!!!! Is this a common behavior of someone who struggles with alcholism, or just another true characteristic of his wonderful personality?
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:53 AM
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Hi mentallyexh,

I'm completely new here so you'll probably get much more info from those more experienced.

First off, I hope all goes well with the new baby when he/she arrives. This I'm sure is a very worrisome time for you to begin with so what is being added by your AH certainly does not help.

The kind of stuff your AH is saying is very very familiar to me. As if looking after the kids/house/everything for a few days is the end of the world; what about the months/years I've been doing it? That was the thinking I would have when I heard very similar comments. I too wasn't sure if it was him or the A that caused this perspective. I named it, calling these the "all about ____ moments". And there were a lot of them.

From what I've learned and from a tiny comment my AH let slip, this is typical alcoholism. In the disease it has to be all about them, how else can it make sure that the next drink is coming? In my experience, the degree of this depended on just how recently my AH had been drinking. Completely intoxicated? Welcome to the world of ____! Sobered up from last night? His behaviour might show some consideration of the rest of the family. The one thing that my AH said, when I called him on one of these types of moments after he had gone to AA for a while was "Yes, you're right. That's how we are. And that's not to say I wasn't pretty selfish even before I started drinking."

I note you're separating. Hard as it is, I hope you can try to let these comments slide off your back while you focus on the more important here - you and the baby. I've just started to go to Al-Anon, and am hanging on for dear life to one of their slogans ... "this too shall pass".

Take care!
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:36 AM
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I am with you. The selfishness and narcissism is off the charts.

I am not sure how much of mine is about his disease or how much is about his personality.

Mine has a family of self centered people. It runs in his family, as does the alcoholism, so it is a slippery slope.



You are not alone in this. Every time but once that we have had to go to the hospital and deal with my sons tumor, my A has been so incredibly selfish. So put out, so "suffering from anxiety". Its as if no one else is there, having to deal with anything. It is futile to point it out, as they seem to think the tiniest effort on their part is Gods gift to the world. HE was like this during my pregnancy, during our osns birth...He is like this everyday. Oh, the poor thing has to work...No one is as put out and tired as he is. No one cares how he feels. It is so childish.

I am going to post a thread today about another aspect of this. I have had some insights, but do not want to hi jack your thread.

I hope everything works out for you and your beautiful baby.
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:00 PM
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mentallyexh-

When I had my first son - FIRST CHILD -
I had to tell my ex - 'you're supposed to buy me something'
to which HE said -
"huh. you got any money?"

Granted - we were teenagers, but ... the writing, as they say - was ON the wall.
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:26 PM
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I am not sure if its the disease or the personality but when I go to the hairdressers once every three months my husband has our three children for approximately 3 hours......and jeepers when I return you would think he has brought them up all single handedly since birth!! and I was gone just 3 hours!.......Its amazing how LIFE can turn into being all about him......

I can totally understand how and why that is making you mad!! Try to stay calm and look after yourself and your precious baby - take care and try and enjoy the rest Phiz
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:31 PM
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Maybe treat the hospital stay like a spa trip?

I know that's a stretch, but ... just trying to help.

I want you to be HAPPY this little person is coming,
and there's been so much stress and sadness and disappointment for you.

just hope I could get a smile.

the outfits suck,
(at the 'hos-SPA-tible)'
but the service should be pretty good?
Dn't get me started about the FOOD....
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:08 AM
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Mine is all about him.

But let's talk about YOU! When is precious angel-baby actually due? How many weeks along are you?

Were they able to stop the contractions??

Babies are such a blessing - even in the midst of hardship.
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:47 AM
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My stbxah is the most selfish person I've ever met in my life. You'd think he's the one who'd gone through labor the way he talks about our kids' births.

I never had a card or flowers that I didn't have to remind him 10 times to get me for my birthday or holidays. I gave up on that about 2 yrs ago.
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Old 02-14-2010, 12:09 PM
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I think it is part of the A personality and recovery part too for awhile. It is due just not being conscious and learning what normal is. We all have to learn sometime - won't happen while actively in his addiction, but can be learned afterwards - but even then it still takes time.

I think the usual way of thinking about the A's development is that it stops around the time drinking starts and when they stop - that is where they begin to learn and grow. So like my RAh, he started in adolescence - at 58 he stops - so while other 58 y/o men are somewhat mature and wise - my RAH is thinking and acting like a teen and moving into young adulthood at this point - still self centered and overwhelmed by life.

Hope all is better today.
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Old 02-14-2010, 12:45 PM
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I too have no idea if my XAH's narcissism was typical, but it is certainly THERE.

A prime example:
We're driving home from my parents' house, having spent the entire day doing HIS laundry and HIS ironing, going to the native reservation to buy HIS cigarettes and HIS alcohol. I'm exhausted from having dealt with that, DD who was still very young then, and driving with a control-freak backseat driver next to me. The gas light suddenly comes on when we're only halfway home. I start to fret and worry, all the while singing to DD who's excessively tired and being difficult, and wonder where we can stop for gas. XAH suddenly utters exasperated: "Why can't it ever be about ME?!"

Nice one buddy.

The narcissism continues even now that we are separated; yesterday I received a wonderful text message demanding that I make sure DD doesn't sleep during her visits with XAH because it takes away from HIS time.
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Old 02-14-2010, 04:44 PM
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If I started to type out everything he ever said to me that was selfish and all about him....I'd be here until my hands fell off.

The thing that directly relates to YOUR post is when I had to be admitted to the hospital because of pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks pregnant, he visited me each day for about 10 minutes.
He complained that he couldn't sit in those chairs and that hospitals creeped him out. Yet I sat there, scared, alone, and on many different meds to try to lower my blood pressure.

I ended up having the baby at 35 weeks because my blood pressure was still too dangerously high. About 3 days later he and his friend came to pick me up from the hospital and they were both completely wasted.
I needed a breast pump and blood pressure medicine, both to which he scoffed and said "Ah...we'll get them later"

We get to his apartment and thank god his sister was there waiting.
ABF sat down and asked me to make him some dinner. Yes, the day I came home from the hospital, still blood pressure issues, our baby was in intensive care...he was wasted and asking me to make him dinner.
Then he grabbed my belly and said I still looked pregnant.

His siter could have killed him.
She and her husband took me to get my meds because they were very important, but in my fragile state of mind I couldn't fathom fighting him on it.
That was 2 years ago.

UGH!

From what I've read...the selfishness is a very common thing among them.
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:15 PM
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Thank you to all of you who responded - as always knowing I am not alone in all this helps. For those who wondered, I am 27 weeks pregnancy due May 11. I am home on bed rest and monitored from home on a terb pump. Baby is safe....and healthy and hopefully staying put. And as for AH, well me being out of the loop for 3 days seems to have made him at least have a little appreciation for what I do....
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Old 02-14-2010, 05:24 PM
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All I can say that EVERYTHING my XA did was done to satisfy his own needs. EVERYTHING.
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Old 02-14-2010, 10:09 PM
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It was an eye opener for me to read on this forum about those who have alcoholic partners who are also narcissistic. 2 different issues, one making the other worse i would guess. Maybe it is just selfishness that really stands out at a time like what you were going through.

No , my stbx AH would not be like that in a situation that you are going through. He more likely would feel guilty for some reason and/or he would make sure to let me know not to worry, he would do the right thing and take care of everything while I couldn't help. He would want me to concentrate on me and the baby.

PS: Will be praying for you, pregnancy and your family!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-14-2010, 10:27 PM
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Dear MentallyExh:

I think his egocentrism is just another characteristic of his personality. It is interesting, though, how many alcoholics seem remarkably self-centered, like spoiled children. Perhaps it is because they have no genuine room in their lives for persons other than themselves.

How disheartening it must be for you to put up with such a self-centered guy.

Electa
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:06 PM
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I was in the position as you are now once... Yhe doctor got AH out of the room and asked me if I was being abused. I responded, "no, he's just an a-hole." It took me awhile to realise his being an a-hole was abusive.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by MeHandle View Post
It was an eye opener for me to read on this forum about those who have alcoholic partners who are also narcissistic. 2 different issues, one making the other worse i would guess. Maybe it is just selfishness that really stands out at a time like what you were going through.

No , my stbx AH would not be like that in a situation that you are going through. He more likely would feel guilty for some reason and/or he would make sure to let me know not to worry, he would do the right thing and take care of everything while I couldn't help. He would want me to concentrate on me and the baby.
i, too, like to give credit where credit is due. my xah would also have treated me tenderly in this situation. he was (is) alcoholic, but genuinely kind most of the time.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Elsie View Post
If I started to type out everything he ever said to me that was selfish and all about him....I'd be here until my hands fell off.
:rotfxko
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:48 PM
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I've been doing some reading about abusive men (because I volunteer at a women's shelter) and the consensus is that the alcohol merely exacerbates the personality traits that are there already. In other words, they're not selfish because they're alcoholics, they're just selfish and demanding...and would still be so even if they got sober.
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:54 PM
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" EVERYTHING - ALL THE TIME - about him!!!!"

Run of the mill, all too common addict behavior. Believe that you deserve better: you do. Then the question is what to do about it. A lot of great advice and support here. Search around SR post, pm other posters that have had similiar experiences, you'll make it through this in great shape. How's the support level from the immediate family?
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