Told him to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Told him to leave
Wont bore you with a rerun of my story but been working on ending relationship with AP for past few weeks.
I have been unwell 2 weeks now with pneomonia (getting much better) but sadly lost my voice to an almost inaudable husky rasp.
Finally decided to put into writing short and not so sweet my expectation he leave the relationship and house.
This morning 2 days later I had enough voice to follow through with a discussion on the letter.
He agrees the relationship is over but guess what ?? Even though he works full time has no money to leave and set up his own place. He must spend a lot on alcohol because he doesn't conrtibute at all to the houshold expences.
We moved in together 6 weeks ago now. What a mistake.
Grrrrr. His plan was he could keep living here where he does not contribute one cent to rent, power, etc. i live in the spare room while he sleeps in MY bed in the house I pay for until he can save enough to move out. My voice wasn't quite up to much more so I left, thought about it and returned saying
"No thats not Okay. i am sleeping in my bed. You can have the spare room " i emptied the spare room where he can set up with his clothes and a bed sette he has.
He doesn't seem to happy with his poor old ego being kicked into the sare room. i think he is lucky he isn't on the street quite frankly.
Any way he left toiletries in hand, tyres screetching for goodness knows where. The cheeky so and so took my spare mobile phone which I promptly reported stolen and have had all outgoing calls and texts blocked.
My breathing feels better already.
Am I being too kind offering the spare room rent free until he moves out? I want him gone period. he has agreed to go its just a matter of when
My IRL friends say I should put a time line on it which i didn't think of.
I have been unwell 2 weeks now with pneomonia (getting much better) but sadly lost my voice to an almost inaudable husky rasp.
Finally decided to put into writing short and not so sweet my expectation he leave the relationship and house.
This morning 2 days later I had enough voice to follow through with a discussion on the letter.
He agrees the relationship is over but guess what ?? Even though he works full time has no money to leave and set up his own place. He must spend a lot on alcohol because he doesn't conrtibute at all to the houshold expences.
We moved in together 6 weeks ago now. What a mistake.
Grrrrr. His plan was he could keep living here where he does not contribute one cent to rent, power, etc. i live in the spare room while he sleeps in MY bed in the house I pay for until he can save enough to move out. My voice wasn't quite up to much more so I left, thought about it and returned saying
"No thats not Okay. i am sleeping in my bed. You can have the spare room " i emptied the spare room where he can set up with his clothes and a bed sette he has.
He doesn't seem to happy with his poor old ego being kicked into the sare room. i think he is lucky he isn't on the street quite frankly.
Any way he left toiletries in hand, tyres screetching for goodness knows where. The cheeky so and so took my spare mobile phone which I promptly reported stolen and have had all outgoing calls and texts blocked.
My breathing feels better already.
Am I being too kind offering the spare room rent free until he moves out? I want him gone period. he has agreed to go its just a matter of when
My IRL friends say I should put a time line on it which i didn't think of.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Gold)) - you've been sick, and you set some boundaries tonight. That doesn't mean tomorrow, you can't set NEW boundaries...as in a time limit. It doesn't mean that if him staying in the spare room doesn't work for you, you can't say "this isn't working for me..you need to go" at that time....YOU are calling the shots, and YOU do what you're comfortable with, at your pace.
Take care of you, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Take care of you, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
Dear gold, we r so use to be use by them. My XABF doest not chip in one penny when we r together but never short of alcoho on his own cash. I feel bad u have to live w him( I almost move in w mine). I'm in a haze right now, just broke up w him last weekend... Hope some one can post some wise word for u! God bless us
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Dear gold, I think you're doing such a brave thing while being as sick as you are. Perhaps when you feel a bit stronger, you can simply kick him out, as it seems to be what you truly want: him gone.
Is he on the lease or anything? If he isn't, then legally, you're covered.
It's just a matter of being the Bad Guy; you know your decision won't make you popular, but then again, what matters is your sanity. If you are able to don that mantle, I applaud you. I wouldn't have the guts. If you aren't, that's ok too, but perhaps set a time limit for him to move out (i.e. he's got 2 weeks and then you change the locks and put all his stuff out on the front lawn).
Is he on the lease or anything? If he isn't, then legally, you're covered.
It's just a matter of being the Bad Guy; you know your decision won't make you popular, but then again, what matters is your sanity. If you are able to don that mantle, I applaud you. I wouldn't have the guts. If you aren't, that's ok too, but perhaps set a time limit for him to move out (i.e. he's got 2 weeks and then you change the locks and put all his stuff out on the front lawn).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Unfortunately he is on the lease.
My fisrt gesture of committment to him. Darn it.
He took off somewhere for the night giving me some space and my best friend came and stayed which has been lovely and grounding too.
My fisrt gesture of committment to him. Darn it.
He took off somewhere for the night giving me some space and my best friend came and stayed which has been lovely and grounding too.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ok, what's involved in having the lease reassigned to your name only? Seems like that's the first step.
Here in Quebec, it's a matter of either finding a new lessee that will agree to take over the new before it's actually expired (and getting the landlord's approval), OR just signing a contract whereby a single individual agrees to shoulder the burden of the entire lease on his/her own.
If he isn't paying rent, then perhaps you can convince him to sign such a contract so you could assume all responsibility for the rent. Then you are legally within your rights to kick him out.
Perhaps also talk to the landlord and tell him/her what's going on should things get nasty...
Here in Quebec, it's a matter of either finding a new lessee that will agree to take over the new before it's actually expired (and getting the landlord's approval), OR just signing a contract whereby a single individual agrees to shoulder the burden of the entire lease on his/her own.
If he isn't paying rent, then perhaps you can convince him to sign such a contract so you could assume all responsibility for the rent. Then you are legally within your rights to kick him out.
Perhaps also talk to the landlord and tell him/her what's going on should things get nasty...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I went and saw the real estate agent today and told them He was moving out and to please draw up an new lease with my name only.
I thought I was strong enough to return to work today LOL. I lasted an hour and have come home and am taking this week off too to heal properly. Its going to cost me $$ but in the long run my health will thank me.
I thought I was strong enough to return to work today LOL. I lasted an hour and have come home and am taking this week off too to heal properly. Its going to cost me $$ but in the long run my health will thank me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I would trade my money for my health ANY day. You are doing the right thing; I think you are being TOO generous. I agree with your friends to put a time limit on it--like NOW. The sooner he is out of your house, and out of your daily life, the healthier and happier you will become. I think you feel sorry for him, feel responsible for him, and are making it too easy on him. He is a GROWN man and, as such, is COMPLETELY capable of taking care of himself, which includes getting a place to stay when his relationship doesn't work out. Be strong; stand your ground; enough with his nonsense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
The real estate agent has prepared a form for him to sign to get off the lease and he says he will sign it but wont be pushed out of the house on my terms (that is leave now).
He wont budge. He is staying in the spare room and says it will take him 2-3 weeks to put enough cash together to get his own place. This is true but it sucks I have to put up with him.
I confronted him about not paying any money in the 6 weeks we have been in the house. He states he will pay me some board. I wont hold my breath waiting. I hope he finds somewhere soon.
Says it is unfair I am calling all the shots, I have ended the relationship so ill have to put up with him being here for a few more weeks.
He wont budge. He is staying in the spare room and says it will take him 2-3 weeks to put enough cash together to get his own place. This is true but it sucks I have to put up with him.
I confronted him about not paying any money in the 6 weeks we have been in the house. He states he will pay me some board. I wont hold my breath waiting. I hope he finds somewhere soon.
Says it is unfair I am calling all the shots, I have ended the relationship so ill have to put up with him being here for a few more weeks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Gotta love that blameshifting...
You ended the relationship because he chose to drink it away for the past x number of years. Had he been able to keep his nose out of the bottle, then perhaps the situation might not have come to this.
I'd say give him a specific date in 3 weeks, after which you kick him out (make sure to get those papers signed first!), and change the locks. His choice, his consequences.
You ended the relationship because he chose to drink it away for the past x number of years. Had he been able to keep his nose out of the bottle, then perhaps the situation might not have come to this.
I'd say give him a specific date in 3 weeks, after which you kick him out (make sure to get those papers signed first!), and change the locks. His choice, his consequences.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
IMO, hold him to the agreed-upon date then, and don't let him guilt, shame, or blame you into letting him stay longer. And they use "unfair" ALL the time. You know what? NOTHING is fair, for ANY of us, and so use of this term is for little babies-ignore his baby-talk. I am glad that it sounds like you are a strong woman and are handling this very well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I asked if he went to the agent last night to sign the trnsfer to remove himself off the lease.
He said he will do that WHEN he leaves. Says he went into the agent and got a list of rentals and will start to look at a few.... very vague. Says he wont be pushed out on my terms.
He is stalling.
Plonked himslef (drinking) down on the couch last night trying to engage me in everyday conversation and asking if I would like to share a meal sometime this week.
bahahahaha :rotfxko
He has no idea how strong I am . He is just playing control games hoping the nice me will say..:" Oh why dont you just stay"
That is just not going to happen. I feel even stronger recognising his games and standing firm.
He is waiting for me to cave!
He said he will do that WHEN he leaves. Says he went into the agent and got a list of rentals and will start to look at a few.... very vague. Says he wont be pushed out on my terms.
He is stalling.
Plonked himslef (drinking) down on the couch last night trying to engage me in everyday conversation and asking if I would like to share a meal sometime this week.
bahahahaha :rotfxko
He has no idea how strong I am . He is just playing control games hoping the nice me will say..:" Oh why dont you just stay"
That is just not going to happen. I feel even stronger recognising his games and standing firm.
He is waiting for me to cave!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
is it in the realm of possibility that you could do the ole switcheroo and YOU be the one to leave? you go to the agent and you get your name off the lease and you find a nice new place and you move out all stealth like and ninja quick and leave HIS dumb @ss sitting there with his name on a lease he probably can't afford?
It would however leave me out of pocket $A3960 as i was the one who paid the bond and the first 8 weeks rent plus removal costs....
He has sponged off me completey since Christmas.
I really related the the thread abouts alcoholics being broke.
He is currently in bankrupsy for which he claims was a business failur...whatever.
What angers me is that I know he has several thousand worth of stamps he buys and sells on ebay so could liquidate that if he chose to.
I think I actually have to employ a teeny bit of patience here to enforce my point with him.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear Gold, I am so sorry you are stuck with this useless freeloader. Isn't it amazing how someone who does nothing and contributes so little, can make HIS demands and expect to have them obeyed?
As you say, it is your money that is involved and I agree you should try to limit any loss to yourself, but if it does get nasty, you may have to put other options into place.
You and your kids could eat out for the next week, after making sure there was nothing for him to eat in the house.....he doesn't see food as important enough for HIM to contribute to, so let him go without.
Is there no legal way to out him at all? Non payment of rent, or living expenses, or for being a bludging drunk around your kids, endangering them or you?
Hope it ends for you very soon.
God bless
As you say, it is your money that is involved and I agree you should try to limit any loss to yourself, but if it does get nasty, you may have to put other options into place.
You and your kids could eat out for the next week, after making sure there was nothing for him to eat in the house.....he doesn't see food as important enough for HIM to contribute to, so let him go without.
Is there no legal way to out him at all? Non payment of rent, or living expenses, or for being a bludging drunk around your kids, endangering them or you?
Hope it ends for you very soon.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Thanks for that post Jadmack25.
I am not providing food at all. he is buying his own. I am not cleaning for him either. He has a room I dont enter and drunks on the couch each night until he passes out.
My daughter and I are going away for the next 4 days. She is not in any danger. She is just disgusted with his drinking so i hope she is learning by watching my enforce my boundairies and stiking to my ultimatum given to him
i do believe he is going to leave he is just stalling and fleecing me for what he believes he is entitled too. It is his only way of exerting any controll so is exerting it. i am not engaging in conversations with him. I answer Yes or no if he tries to engage me and then leave the room.
I am not providing food at all. he is buying his own. I am not cleaning for him either. He has a room I dont enter and drunks on the couch each night until he passes out.
My daughter and I are going away for the next 4 days. She is not in any danger. She is just disgusted with his drinking so i hope she is learning by watching my enforce my boundairies and stiking to my ultimatum given to him
i do believe he is going to leave he is just stalling and fleecing me for what he believes he is entitled too. It is his only way of exerting any controll so is exerting it. i am not engaging in conversations with him. I answer Yes or no if he tries to engage me and then leave the room.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
good good good that you and your daughter are getting away for awhile. can you make it even longer than 4 days? secure your valuables and just leave and when you come back home, he will be gone? oh, i know he probably won't leave til push comes to shove, but at least then the deadline will have been hit.
i know it would hard to stand being around this.
your daughter is watching you, and you are going to emerge strong, sane and safe.
i know it would hard to stand being around this.
your daughter is watching you, and you are going to emerge strong, sane and safe.
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