tippett

Hi, I'm new here. I'm a divorced (only a year and a half) mom of 2. Wasn't looking to date, but met & fell in love with a great guy.

We've only been dating 4 months,it's gotten pretty serious. I met his family
last weekend and everyone was drinking. He has drank socially since we began dating. When we got home he got really unusually mean and mad when I wouldn't tell him what his family said about him. Just goofy stuff.

The next day he tells me that he was in Alcohol rehab for 6 months, was sober for 2 years, and started drinking again 5 months ago.

His drinking was the reason his first marriage ended. He tells me that he will never drink again. He says he has the "tools and knowledge" to quit. He also says that he is going to start back with AA meetings.

My question is: Do I trust him? I've never dealt with this before. I do love him.
Thanks

Serenebynow

Red Flag? Do you trust him? Only you know, and go with your gut! The Red flag you noticed when he drank And raged at you, did you see it?
Be good to yourself and your child.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I don't have the answer if you should trust him or not. I don't know him. Look at his actions. Does he get and stay sober (no more social drinking)? does he start attending AA again?

Learn about alcoholism. Knowledge is power.

You will find information and support for yourself here. We're glad you found us!

tippett

Thank you for responding. It was a red flag. I do trust him. He promises to never drink again. I told him I couldn't be with him if he did. I just don't want to be foolish.

barb dwyer

Hi tippett and welcome to the forum!

you know, ... actions speak louder than words.

saying you're GOING to bo to meetings
and saying you've BEEN going to meetings....

makes a very large difference with me personally.
I am al alocholic who loves alcoholics.
I am clean and sober almost four years
and I will not promise that I will never drink again.

I am an alcoholic.
I can't promise that.

I always have that next drink in me.
What I know for a fact that I don't have
is another recovery in me.

Again welcome to the forum!

least

Like Eliza Doolittle sang, "show me!" Show me your new attitude and behavior, don't just talk about it. And that means not yelling at me and being hostile. Go with your gut feeling and don't do anything that feels foolish to you. Set boundaries and stick to them.

tippett

Thank you all for the responses. I am going to learn about alcoholism. Actions do speak louder than words.
I'm so glad I found this site.

bookwyrm

Welcome tippet!

I found the books 'Co dependant No More' by Melody Beattie and 'Under the Influence' really helpful in letting me get to grips with my XAH's alcoholism and the way I responded to it. When I first came here I read the sticky posts at the top of the forum - there is a huge amount of wisdom and information there. It is amazing to read some of the posts there. I thought my situation was unique but discovered just how common it was reading the sticky threads! I could see where things were going and got help for myself. I hope you stick around and keep posting. This forum has really helped me and I hope you get as much out of it as I have.

Slag

It would not be a bad idea for you to try a few alanon meetings. I will say that you are at the beginning of your relationship. You can turn back with some, but manageable, pain compared with a deeper relationship and you have children.

What would you tell a friend?

coffeedrinker

this is a tough situation for you to be in. you already know he is alcoholic, you know the culture of his family, and that they are obviously not supportive of the sober alco in their midst.

the part that concerns me is that you stated that you do trust him. trust comes in many forms; one of them is to trust him with your mental/emotional self - sounds like he will pull out the nasty control card and play it when he wants you to do, say, tell, something. i would expect more of this behavior from him.

i used to listen to dr. joy browne when she was on our airwaves. she always said, if someone gets sober, to wait til he has a year under his belt before you resume your relationship. i know he was sober for a time, but you have to count the days beginning with the most recent dry day.
that he "slipped" because of a difficult time, indicates that he goes to his default position when stressed. he hasn't quite learned how to stay sober when things are tough as well as when they are not so tough.

Insulated

Tell him to get and stay clean for one year. If he's still interested' and your single and available in a year, you'll talk. Having the tools and knowledge are lip service. DOING something with those tools and knowledge are something else entirely.