DerryMan

I just came across this site today when i google'd "how to cope with alcoholic wife". This is how desperate I am to try and get back to normal.
I'll start at the beginnning....I met my wife 12 years ago and we got married 4 years later. Everything was great. We both enjoyed a sociable drink at the weekend, what I would call "normal" drinking.
About 7 years ago my wife became pregnant for the first time, we just bought a new house and were going on holiday all in the same week. Everything was perfect. Then on holiday my wife had a miscarriage...and as it turned out an ectopic pregnancy and almost died. It was very traumatic as she spent 2 weeks in hospital being monitored and while still technically pregnant there was no hope of success. Eventually surgery was required and not only did we lose the child but there was some serious internal damage to my wife and we were told it would be difficult to have children.
Looking back this is when the problems really began. We took about a year and then decided to try again. During that time I didnt notice too much but in retrospect I remember my wife have a drink 3-4 evenings a week after work to help her relax. Eventually after fertility treatment she became pregnant and we were so so happy. Everything went to plan until about a week after our baby girl was born. Suddenly my wife changed. She thought our child was disfigured due to the alcahol she drank when pregnant. It was diagnosed as post natal depression and I was told that she was just fixating on alcahol but it could have been anything. However, the depression got worse...and this is when I started to notice drinking more. When she became depressed she drank, sometimes a lot. After about a year things seemed to be settling down but completely out of the blue she became pregnant again (even though on the pill). This is when things got really out of hand. Drinking bouts, depressive episodes, running away. Just total mayhem.
When our second child, a boy was born she was medicated to a high level to get on top of the depression. It improved and the drinking subsided but in a very short space of time she became pregnant again so the medication had to be stopped. This pregnancy was worse...constant drinking, dui (where she was found be police unconciouss in the car while pregnant and lost her licence), hospital treatment.
All the time she would say she just found herself drinking to block everything out. she panicked about the kids. She felt guilty about everything she put us all through. She was a bad mother and bad wife. These things were all true when she drank, but when sober she is the best in the world.
However since our 3rd was born things have just deterriorated. She disappeared one night having taken drink and threatening to do something to herself as we would all be better without her (her words). So I had family, police neighbors everyone looking for her and finally we found her passed out in a bus station.
Even still the medical staff at hospital maintained her problem was depression with improper use of alcahol when depressed. She was admitted to hospital and started a course of Electro convulsive therapy treatments. Mid treatment she left the hospital and took drink. From here on the diagnoses leant more towards alcahol and at this stage it is full blown alcaholism in my opinion.
She buys drink and hides it. Hides it in places you would never think, such as fabric softener bottles or vinegar bottles. She recently drank 3 bottles of vodka in 2 days and has driven the car with our kids when drunk.
She has been going to some AA meetings as when she's sober she says she want to stop but I am beginning to think that is only so I wont leave with the kids. And to be honest the only reason I havent left is because of the kids. They are young and they love their mother and want her as do I. I dont have it in me to take that away from them. I am however totally distraught.
I came home from work today to find her drinking. She denied it until i found the vodka in the cupboard which I threw out. I couldnt even be angry I am so heartbroken and disappointed. She hadnt drank in 2 weeks and i thought we were getting on the right track...yet again. But we seem to keep repeating the same cycle, drinking, promises, sober for a while, then more drinking.
She has been to rehab twice and i'm not sure if she was taking it seriously or just doing it to make everyone think she is trying. I cant believe anything she tells me or trust her to be on her own with our kids so I always have to have someone else here or make sure the kids are in childcare when i go to work. I have to take responsibility for all the household responsibilities and for evertyhing with the kids.
I can feel myself becoming ill. I go through serious lows where i cant see an end or a way out and find myself wishiing that I was now old and had been through this all so that I would soon die and it would all be over. I'm not suicidal but I just sometimes wish life would hurry up so this would be finished with.
I dont know what to do any more. I'm mentally and physically exhausted trying to hold down a job, look after 3 children under the age of 4 and one big child who drinks and cant be looked after, trying to keep the household in order by paying all the bills etc. I haven't seen or spoken to a friend in about a year as I cant face anyone and feel totally alone.
I've hit the wall and dont know what to do next....which led me to the internet....which led me here....in deperation more than hope as hope is long gone. I just need someone to tell me now what to do to make it all better again as I'm completely lost as to what to do next.

sev

Hi Derry, Welcome. I'm sorry that you are going through this. There is hope. AA is a good start. Have you considered checking out AlAnon for some support and guidance? I know the helplessness and hopelessness that you are experiencing right now. Sometimes, God grants us the gift of desperation to help us be willing to make changes. Hang in there.

dasha

Hello freind,..Nobody can tell you what to do to make it all better.. But what i will say is
this.. be gentle with your wife.. DONT put pressure on her to change! Be the loving
husband you are to her and respect her free choice.. however difficult this may be..look
after your kids as the sober parent you are, give the loving to your kids they need,
its a difficult situation youre in.. I Know about this with only one child! hopefully
your wife will come around to seeing what a loving person you are to your children
and her.. GOOD LUCK FREIND.

stella27

Derry, your children need you desperately.
Please talk to an attorney at once.
They cannot be left alone with her.
Seriously.
This is an emergency situation.

least

THis jumped out at me more than anything else:

If there is ANYTHING you can do to keep her from driving, do it! Take the keys, call the police, anything! Better to make her mad than to have her driving drunk with the kids and have an accident and hurt or kill them or herself or someone else.

You said she had a DUI. But she's still driving? How is that possible? Usually a DUI results in the drivers license being taken away. Maybe it's different where you live.

I totally understand your depression and wishing that your life would be over soon. You're under a lot of pressure what with all the responsibilities falling on you alone. I can also understand why you don't want to take the kids and leave her, but at this point your first duty is to your kids. And leaving them with an active alcoholic who drives while drinking is very dangerous, as I'm sure you already know.

Is there any kind of 'social service' agency where you live that could offer you some options on dealing with this mess? At the very least, counseling for yourself so you won't go mad with worry and frustration? Something's got to give here, and right now it seems that you're going to crack under the strain if something doesn't change for the better soon.

Please reach out for help where you live. THere's got to be something you can do for yourself and your kids' sake. As to your wife, she's got to be the one to deal with her alcoholism. No one can decide for her what to do to fix her problem.

First and foremost, please keep your kids out of danger, no matter what you have to do - even if it means leaving her temporarily. She is not fit to look after the kids properly in her condition. As their only sober parent it's up to you to protect them at all costs.

Please seek help for you and your kids before anything else. Then, once you and the kids are safe, you can approach her about her alcoholism.


I can understand 'respecting her free choice' but under the circumstances her 'free choice' is not the most important issue here right now.

You may well have to leave with the kids in order to make her see that she's in desperate need of help. Going to AA alone will not get her sober UNLESS SHE WANTS TO BE SOBER!

I agree with this: YOU need to be the one to change, and by 'change' I mean not tolerating any more bad parenting on your wife's part. YOU need to bring about change as she seems unwilling or unable to change her behavior or drinking habits. It would seem the time to be 'gentle' with your wife is long gone, now it's going to take ACTION on your part, not kindness and gentleness. Perhaps hard, cold action will wake her up out of her alcoholic stupor. Gentleness doesn't seem to have much effect with drunks - I know, I was one.

Dee74

Hi Derry Man

I'm sorry for your situation.

I see you've already found our Family and Friends forum - thats a good thing.
There's a lot of good people over there who've been through what you're going through.

I agree with ohters here that your childrens welfare is paramount. Please keep them safe.

And yourself too - we often liken this situation to oxygen masks on an aircraft - put the oxygen mask on yourself first, or you're no good to anyone else.

You and your family have my prayers
D

least

Right now it seems to me that the kids safety and well being IS a huge reason to take them away from her before something awful happens.

Learn2Live

Hi Derryman,

So sorry this is happening to you, but so glad you have not given up. DON'T give up. It gets better from here, I promise

First things first, OK? As someone pointed out above, you have to take care of yourself FIRST, before you can take care of anyone else. So....

You sound to me like you may have depression. Can you get to a doctor for an evaluation? If you are leery of doctors or don't believe you have depression, please google "depression screening." Any number of the sites google returns will be sites with a quick couple of questions to answer, the results of which will give you a good idea whether or not you should see a doctor. Please take this seriously. Depression is a MEDICAL condition that is no fault of your own.

Next, have you been to Al-Anon? Al-Anon is a support group for the loved ones and others who are affected by someone's alcoholism. I recommend it highly. There you will find people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through, and who will provide you with the social support you need. Al-Anon saved my life; it can help you too. Please give it a try. You can access their directory by googling "Al-Anon" and entering your geographical area. You can also find their phone number in your phone book. If you need a ride, just call the number and someone will come pick you up.

Please, do not go this alone.

Sober Recovery is a good start so Welcome!! :day6

Bernadette

hey Derryman-
Welcome!

AlAnon taught me the most about how to break free of denial and stop enabling my A brothers so that I was not in anyway playing for Team Alcohol. I didn't realize how much I was enabling their sickness until I started really educating myself and accepting the specific nature of addiction/alcoholism.

You already pay for childcare and do everything around the house, what incentive is there for your wife to change? Where does she get the money for booze? What about the message being sent each day that this behavior is tolerable, that she can continue this and you'll just figure out how to keep the kids near her and keep cleaning up after her?

She hadnt drank in 2 weeks and i thought we were getting on the right track...yet again. But we seem to keep repeating the same cycle, drinking, promises, sober for a while, then more drinking.

This is just what alcoholics do. And while 2 weeks may seem like you were on your way, the change that occurs in an alcoholic who has actually committed to recovery is pretty startling, obvious, and different. None that I know have done it alone, all have had a real plan that they stick to , they have support lined up. It's not just a few days of being sober and being nice, although that is more common and is one of the hooks that keeps us believing (fantasizing??!!).

I can feel myself becoming ill. I go through serious lows where i cant see an end or a way out and find myself wishiing that I was now old and had been through this all so that I would soon die and it would all be over.


Alcoholism is a family disease and yes you can end up very sick. But odds are you are not going to swiftly grow old and die; odds are each grueling, grinding day will continue, slowly getting worse and worse, as your children grow and accept this sick dynamic as normal, and their mum's behavior becomes part of their very souls. (On so many levels as a kid I thought it was maybe my fault that dad drank and mom was a crazy control freak, and all 3 of my bros grew up to be alcoholics/addicts.)

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have the power to make changes for yourself and your children that will lead to sanity, reality, and serenity, whether she drinks or not. Not easy but worth it.

Keep seeking and accepting help! You are not alone.
peace-
b

ChildrenB4AW

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know what you are going through. We have 4 beautiful children and I have an AW. She has been to treatment (3 times), had a car accident with the children in the car, went to jail, and then stopped drinking for a year while she lived in a halfway house.

You have no power to stop your wife from drinking but you have the power to protect your children. Beleive me, they love their Mom, but don't understand what is going on and they probably fear her when she drinks. You need to lovingly detach from your wife, and get her our of the home. She can visit (supervised), but she needs to decide what she wants in life.

I am divorcing my AW and have sole custody. It's going to be a difficult road, but I want to look back on my life and be seucre that I did what I had to do to protect our children from a terrible disease.

Best wishes to you.

Insulated

Derryman, you've found a wonderful place to vent. We all have sadly identical parallels in one way or another. Ask yourself, did you sign up for this in your marriage? What are your enabling actions? It hurts to look at ourselves and admit where we may be enabling our partner. I did such stupid crap w/my A. My guy would wake at 9, be out of the liquor store with a 1/2 pint by 10:01 am, didn't have a car, so I'd drive him to work. Before I knew it, I was driving around, or sitting in the car at the park until he polished off the bottle before dropping him at work. There were times he smashed a beer can into my head, while parked in front of his job, and I had to drive back home stinking like beer to change and clean out the car. I had to really look at the enabling behaviors that I was lending to the disease. The insanity just spirals, much like your story has spiraled to the point of despair. Have you tried an meeting? I know it's hard to work and keep house and mind children, but it's only for an hour. Everything else can and will wait. Your sanity is worth it.

Buffalo66

Please try to set things in motion to leave her FOR the sake of the kids! You deserve to be happy, and they deserve at least one happy and healthy parent!

I feel for you. We all know some measure of your struggle. I will pray for you.

ferry

Hi DerryMan

I totally get how you feel, we don't have children (tried+IVF for years) and maybe that's a factor in my wife's problem, who knows but her. One thing I do know for sure though is that my wife was brought up with an alcoholic mother (father died while they were kids) and I can say for definate that she and her siblings are all affected hugely by this upbringing and all have BIG problems today, only my wife with alcohol though. I've though about suicide an awful lot in the past few years but it's just thinking like you, wishing this life would end, sometimes it seems like an option but really it's not.

So I would recommend you get you and your kids away and ensure your kids mental well being for the rest of their lives. I know i should listen to my own advice but I don't have the complication of kids. Although knowing what to do with the rabbit, 2 dogs and cat is bad enough though lol.

AlwaysGrowing

Derryman

I have been going thru the same thing this past two years. I'm going to keep this short but attend Alanon meetings. You will find out what your wife is going thru, find 12 checklist/steps to help you. I promise it will !

Huband of 1, father of 2.
AG

Redheadsusie

I am sorry you hurting so and with good reason. I am the responsible one in my family and have always been. It sometimes sucks but it is the hand I have benn dealt and right now your kids need you! Someone has to be in charge to make sure those kids are not harmed by the drinking . If you are not well - who will take care of those babies? Make taking care of yourself and them a priority. They deserve happiness and so do you.

MeHandle

hope

VERB:
hoped, hop·ing, hopes
VERB:
intr.
To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
Archaic To have confidence; trust.
VERB:
tr.
To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
NOUN:
A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
Archaic Trust; confidence.

IDIOM:
hope against hope
To hope with little reason or justification.

Derryman,
There is still hope of freedom for you and your children. Yes, it is hopeless to remain in bondage to the consequences present and to come under the control of an abusive drinker. I found that I allowed my sympathies to manipulate my decisions instead of allowing actual hope to guide right decision making. I had to be honest about the realities of hope and the consequences in light of my actions.

No one can tell you what to do to "make it all better." I am not even sure what your picture of "all better" is. For me "all better" is living a life that is 'better overall' because I am not being controlled by a life draining hope but instead am acting and moving on things that have a hope that is life giving. There is nothing anyone here could ever do to make or help an alcoholic stop drinking. We can not make their drinking " all better." That is a hope they have to hold out for themselves. If they have no hope then we as spouses have no evidence that it will ever be all better. If my hope was that my stbx AH would stop drinking, then I make him my priority and alcoholic consumption then controls my life too. In marriage the union demands and 'us' priority. As abuse continued I realized I could no longer have and us priority, our marriage was broken, and a him priority was not an option for a life I was to be living too. I had to move to taking care of 'me ' cause the other part of 'us' had abandoned 'us.'
Alcohol was his priority of which I have no power to change. So I change form an 'us, ours and our kids ' decision making process, to a 'me, mine and our kids' decision making process.

My suggestion for next: Think about the reality of you and your children's future with and 'us' and a 'me' hope. Now where do you see the healthiest life to place your hopes? Only you can decide and act on your decision.

tammy

steve11694

You are not dealing with a sane person. Sure you love her and sure she was a great person but now alcohol is in control. She will do anything to maintain drinking. Lie, hide booze, anything. Unless she chooses sobriety their is nothing anyone can do. Read up on setting boundaries and ceasing to enable. Don't beat yourself up for any of the BS she throws at you. They are expert manipulators and expert in using guilt. Unless she gets sober, she can drive drunk again with your kids in the car. Drunk drivers cause fatalities all the time. Believe me, you have become the "entity" that enables her drinking, nothing less, nothing more.
Maybe post partum depression has a role in her drinking, maybe it doesn't. Many women get post partum depression but many do not become addicted. May have been a trigger, maybe just a handy excuse. That is for the doctor that treats her to deal with. Your reality/priority is the safety and well being of you and your kids.

You should really get advice from a lawyer also.

PHIZ007

Derryman welcome.....so so much great advise above nothing more to add. Just wanted to say hi and its great that you have found SR. It keeps me sane....you are not alone here so keep reading keep posting and take care of YOU - your babies need you. We all ended up here in desperation at some point. SR keeps me sane......look after yourself and I am so sorry for your situation. There is hope keep reading.....keep hanging out here you will learn so much about this terrible disease......Phiz

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR, Derryman.

I'll include you in my prayers, hon.

I think you get the general thrust here -
time to take the reins
and get YOURSELF and your family safe first.
Maybe go as far as to disable the car
something easy like taking off the distributor cap
and taking it with you to work.

I have learned, after a while here on SR
that other countries
also means - other cultures.

Having these friends in other cultures
has taught me
just how different
Fellowships like AA
and Al Anon really are,
when the 'AMERICAN' mentality is removed.

I will pray for your safety
and clarity of mind.
I hope you'll make a plan
and stick to it
to get your family safe.

Everything - EVERYTHING -
has to come ... AFTER that single thing.