Does my husband have a problem?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Jennabe, Welcome
My AH and I met at 15 years old and got married, had a mortgage and child on the way at 21. Only the teen drinking never stopped when we settled down and started our family - grown up stuff and has continued for the last 22 years.
I found it really hard to accept that my husband was an alcoholic to begin with as my AH was 'functional' as in he went to work and did a lot around the house - a lot more than me. I minimised his drinking and thought 'is it really that bad'. No one wants to give the title 'alcoholic' to a close one, it has really icky undertones.
I posted a thread on another non-addiction related website just asking the question - how much beer is enough? I explained on my thread, that my husband and I were in dispute about his beer drinking and I had asked him to cut down and he was unable to and how much money he was spending on it from our joint account and how miserable it was making me feel. At that stage alcoholism hadnt even entered my head and I just believed that we were unable to communicate, had marital problems and just kept going to couple counseling when things got too bad, but they never got better.
Someone on that thread sent me a PM and suggested that I try Al-Anon. My young adult daughter and I went along to the first meeting as AH was effecting her too. We now know that AH is an Alcoholic and what we have been dealing with for all these years. Its been a really bad rollercoaster, merry-go-round marriage that I might have got off a long time ago had I known what I know now.
I personally think its a bit like when you know someone you love is really sick but the doctors cant find out whats wrong with them - its that not knowing that hurts. Once their sickness has been diagnosed you know exactly what you are dealing with and you can move forward.
Please try Al-Anon - you will be surprised how many stories (sharing) you will relate to and think 'that's happened to me' "I do that' etc, that it will be a real eye opener and help you come to terms and to make sense of it all.
My AH and I met at 15 years old and got married, had a mortgage and child on the way at 21. Only the teen drinking never stopped when we settled down and started our family - grown up stuff and has continued for the last 22 years.
I found it really hard to accept that my husband was an alcoholic to begin with as my AH was 'functional' as in he went to work and did a lot around the house - a lot more than me. I minimised his drinking and thought 'is it really that bad'. No one wants to give the title 'alcoholic' to a close one, it has really icky undertones.
I posted a thread on another non-addiction related website just asking the question - how much beer is enough? I explained on my thread, that my husband and I were in dispute about his beer drinking and I had asked him to cut down and he was unable to and how much money he was spending on it from our joint account and how miserable it was making me feel. At that stage alcoholism hadnt even entered my head and I just believed that we were unable to communicate, had marital problems and just kept going to couple counseling when things got too bad, but they never got better.
Someone on that thread sent me a PM and suggested that I try Al-Anon. My young adult daughter and I went along to the first meeting as AH was effecting her too. We now know that AH is an Alcoholic and what we have been dealing with for all these years. Its been a really bad rollercoaster, merry-go-round marriage that I might have got off a long time ago had I known what I know now.
I personally think its a bit like when you know someone you love is really sick but the doctors cant find out whats wrong with them - its that not knowing that hurts. Once their sickness has been diagnosed you know exactly what you are dealing with and you can move forward.
Please try Al-Anon - you will be surprised how many stories (sharing) you will relate to and think 'that's happened to me' "I do that' etc, that it will be a real eye opener and help you come to terms and to make sense of it all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I'm actually feeling a tad overwhelmed. Part of me wished I wouldn't have posted b/c it puts things in prospective. I feel sad, confused, pissed off, and mostly helpless.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I feel that a man in his thirties would normally be over the drinking 5 days a week college bleed over phase...And it sounds like he is drinking at home alone a lot, not with pals, not watching the game... It sounds like he does need it. to "unwind".
Mine used to say he was just unwinding, but now he needs to drink to be OK.
I did not leave mine soon enough, and we had our child, and now it is a real mess. I hope you can get some clarity and help yourself and child, and maybe he will get help, or you will leave before you become dependent in a way that puts you in a bad position.
Either way, the fact that you are posting and questioning says to me that he probably does have a problem. It is definitely making you feel unsure of him. Isnt that a problem for YOU?
Good Luck. Keep Posting
Mine used to say he was just unwinding, but now he needs to drink to be OK.
I did not leave mine soon enough, and we had our child, and now it is a real mess. I hope you can get some clarity and help yourself and child, and maybe he will get help, or you will leave before you become dependent in a way that puts you in a bad position.
Either way, the fact that you are posting and questioning says to me that he probably does have a problem. It is definitely making you feel unsure of him. Isnt that a problem for YOU?
Good Luck. Keep Posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Thanks all of you for posting. I don't have the internet at my house only at work so when I disappear that is one of the reasons. You guys are amazing.
I actually almost didn't jump on here this morning. The next day is kinda odd for me. If I want to be honest with myself, and you guys, I figured that if I didn't jump on here I could not think about it and just pretend that everything is good. There is still a large section on me that feels this way so you may need to be patient with me.
A part of me feels like I'm going behind my husbands back. I know that he would be really upset if he saw me on this website. I "tested" him last night on purpose. I was kinda hoping he would be like "oh okay, I understand" and then I could tell myself I was wrong for ever posting here. I stayed up with him on the couch last night for a couple hours. When he went to try and get up I asked him to just stay and told him that he didn't need to drink anymore. He said that he just had to go to the bathroom. I let him up, he went to the bathroom, and then went straight to the kitchen for another drink. I asked him not to again and told him that there was no reason to have another one and that I wanted to spend time with him instead. He drank it anyway. On a good note though, after that beer he went to bed and went to sleep instead of staying up.
Once again, you guys are so good to me. Thanks for listening. I hope that I can repay the favor. I know that I'm a little self involved at the moment, but I hope to be an ear for some of you too.
I actually almost didn't jump on here this morning. The next day is kinda odd for me. If I want to be honest with myself, and you guys, I figured that if I didn't jump on here I could not think about it and just pretend that everything is good. There is still a large section on me that feels this way so you may need to be patient with me.
A part of me feels like I'm going behind my husbands back. I know that he would be really upset if he saw me on this website. I "tested" him last night on purpose. I was kinda hoping he would be like "oh okay, I understand" and then I could tell myself I was wrong for ever posting here. I stayed up with him on the couch last night for a couple hours. When he went to try and get up I asked him to just stay and told him that he didn't need to drink anymore. He said that he just had to go to the bathroom. I let him up, he went to the bathroom, and then went straight to the kitchen for another drink. I asked him not to again and told him that there was no reason to have another one and that I wanted to spend time with him instead. He drank it anyway. On a good note though, after that beer he went to bed and went to sleep instead of staying up.
Once again, you guys are so good to me. Thanks for listening. I hope that I can repay the favor. I know that I'm a little self involved at the moment, but I hope to be an ear for some of you too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
maybe he already knows he has a problem. it's just not been brought out into the light of day. scheduling his beer days is just another way to "manage addiction". I did it too! It's a mental justification process and alcoholics are creative. if you go to an al anon meeting it's going to soothe your ache in a way you'd not expected.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Is there a way that I can just "ask" him to stop that he would relate to? I don't understand how he can be so normal all day, but then have that be his top priority at night. It just seems so fixable right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
it's really only fixable if HE wants to fix it. anything else will just be nagging from you. Maybe you could put your concerns in the context of when you _________, I feel __________. neglected, alienated, lonely, etc. Or maybe, what can I do to help you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Is there a way that I can just "ask" him to stop that he would relate to?
It just seems so fixable right now.
yep, it really does seem like it should be fixable. but the nature of the disease is that the drinker doesn't see things the way you do - rationally let's say. if he is indeed alcoholic (and you already know many of us believe he is) then he will need to protect his drug of choice. it is progressive, so that means that the comsumption will increase, and as it does, his integrity will decrease. the bottle will (or already has) become his best friend. even if this doesn't make sense to you, it really is the truth. so, the fixing you are hoping for is really an illusion. it's not possible at this stage in the game.
May I ask what it is like for you? Realizing that someone you know might have a problem I mean.
just saw this.
this is what it was like, if i can remember that long ago!
* vague feeling of dread
* becoming obsessed about it and trying to figure out if it's really true, fear
* starting to check out stories, look for signs, listen when he comes in late for stumbling
* feeling of dread when the realization becomes more solid
* kick in the stomach, fear
* frustration, sadness, bargaining, pleading, trying to reason
* depair, fear, feeling alone
It just seems so fixable right now.
yep, it really does seem like it should be fixable. but the nature of the disease is that the drinker doesn't see things the way you do - rationally let's say. if he is indeed alcoholic (and you already know many of us believe he is) then he will need to protect his drug of choice. it is progressive, so that means that the comsumption will increase, and as it does, his integrity will decrease. the bottle will (or already has) become his best friend. even if this doesn't make sense to you, it really is the truth. so, the fixing you are hoping for is really an illusion. it's not possible at this stage in the game.
May I ask what it is like for you? Realizing that someone you know might have a problem I mean.
just saw this.
this is what it was like, if i can remember that long ago!
* vague feeling of dread
* becoming obsessed about it and trying to figure out if it's really true, fear
* starting to check out stories, look for signs, listen when he comes in late for stumbling
* feeling of dread when the realization becomes more solid
* kick in the stomach, fear
* frustration, sadness, bargaining, pleading, trying to reason
* depair, fear, feeling alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
I can relate to the bottom part. The dread and the obsession. That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm going from this site, back to google trying to find more and more info. All of that and just confused. That's the biggest one. I think I could write a book if I wanted to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Sounds like the "good note" of him going to bed could possibly have been to get away from you telling him he didn't need to drink. People who have drink problems don't generally like to have it pointed out to them, they change the subject, twist the conversation around to something bad YOU have done, leave the room, begin hiding their consumption etc..So he could have been going to bed because he didn't want to get into it with you.
Another thing people who live with people with drink problems do is accept things that we would normally think unacceptable and "big up" normal things because they rarely occur. Him going to bed shouldn't be a "good point", he should be doing that anyway.
From what you have said, he seems to almost definately have a drinking problem. Either that or absolutely no concern for your feelings. YOU have a problem with his drinking, now if it wasn't a problem for him, he would stop, no? He's not stopping, so he either doesn't care it bothers you, or he can't stop.
Another thing people who live with people with drink problems do is accept things that we would normally think unacceptable and "big up" normal things because they rarely occur. Him going to bed shouldn't be a "good point", he should be doing that anyway.
From what you have said, he seems to almost definately have a drinking problem. Either that or absolutely no concern for your feelings. YOU have a problem with his drinking, now if it wasn't a problem for him, he would stop, no? He's not stopping, so he either doesn't care it bothers you, or he can't stop.
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