Am I a statistic? In love with a secret A.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
If you continue this relationship you have absolutely no idea what insanity is ahead for you. We all tell you this because we would not wish it on our worst enemy. I wish I had been as informed as you are about the disease. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and misery as well as a divorce.
You're young. Enjoy every minute of it without the pain that accompanies an alcoholic relationship.
You're young. Enjoy every minute of it without the pain that accompanies an alcoholic relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
You have asked for advice and my 2 cents worth is it seems you are in love with his potential and not who he really is right now.
RUN!!!!!!! (or dance away)
Be very wary of reading his journalling. he knows you are going to read it obviouly and will write with you as his audience in mind. So will write want he thinks you want to read. A journal should be private and I worry he is using it to further manipulate you. Why do you want to read it?
RUN!!!!!!! (or dance away)
Be very wary of reading his journalling. he knows you are going to read it obviouly and will write with you as his audience in mind. So will write want he thinks you want to read. A journal should be private and I worry he is using it to further manipulate you. Why do you want to read it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Hoboken, NJ
Posts: 7
your words are all very wise, and very appreciated.
Is A. always progressive? Is it truly improbable that all the "bad stuff" -- the lies, the debt, the DUI --were all intimitely linked to his drinking, and that he is recovering now, and that that will go away? He made his first attempt to quit 4 months ago.. afaia he was sober 3 months,then faltered in the last month, and now has acknowledged he needs to change his strategy... and he has now started AA and talked to a sponsor, and avoiding places/people w/ alcohol, and seeing a dr. about antidepressents.
Since he moved in in November, I've only seen him drunk twice, and the rest of the time he's incredibly helpful -- does all the cooking,gardening, fixes everything that breaks -- all without my asking. Goes out of his way to help me (gets my oil changed/runs errands for me when I'm stressed, etc.). The DUI and the debt from the past are haunting, but he has not driven drunk or increased his debt since I've known him.
I tell him my concerns and my fear.. openly... without holding back, and he holds me as I cry and tells me how deeply he knows he needs to never have a drink again and how deeply he is trying, and making mistakes, yes, but learning and changing his strategy and finally getting as much outside help as he can. He tells me he hopes I will stay by his side but he knows he needs to be sober no matter what. He tells me he will leave, stay somewhere else, giving me space if I need it, but that he really wants to be with me. That I CANNOT stay with a drunk him, but that the sober him does deserve me, and is wonderful, and that he knows that is what he has to be. He wants me to try alanon. And he has never, in ANY state, said anything mean or disparaging to me. He has invaded my privacy, and has been annoying and beligerent, but he has always built me up and always professed deep love, even in drunken stupor.
When we talk, I feel like I trust him... and want to give it more time... more chace... more love.
But when I talk to anyone else.. even you.. I think I sound ridiculous. This guy has a gazillion strikes against him, and I've known him less than a year, and we have no kids and no legal ties. What are his good points? He is helpful, loving, affectionate, smart, a dancer.... all wonderful things.. but am I doing the "using things that should be givens as positive enough to make up for bad things" thing? When I hear myself talk.. or write... I sound like I have no self esteem -- why in the world would I ever consider staying with such a guy? Even if I can make excuses for his behaviors, and even if he is on the road to recovery, I still deserve someone who is financially well off, has a license, etc.
And yet..
I am in love.
And yet...
I want to believe him.
I read everyone else writing that, that I want to slap them and tell them to wake up and start respecting themselves more.
And yet I somehow think "my case is different"... "my ABF is different" ... just like everyone else does.
But maybe he is? Maybe this forum biases towards the cases that turn out the worst, because we all tend to seek help when we're down?
My father is an alcoholic. My mother had two children with him. She gave him so many chances and he never changed, and eventually she kicked him out, but the whole thing was basically a decade of misery and anguish. After another decade of not dating, my mother married another alcoholic (go figure). The drama was intense. We told her to leave him, and when she didn't I told her to stop calling me, and basically cut her out of my life for a while. But she stayed with him, and he DID quit, and they are now retired and happy as two peas in a pod -- crazy happy and in love. I ask her about my situation, and she doesn't know what to say: AH1 was the worst mistake of her life, AH2 makes her incredibly happy.
Got any more wisdom for me? I appreciate it so much.
Is A. always progressive? Is it truly improbable that all the "bad stuff" -- the lies, the debt, the DUI --were all intimitely linked to his drinking, and that he is recovering now, and that that will go away? He made his first attempt to quit 4 months ago.. afaia he was sober 3 months,then faltered in the last month, and now has acknowledged he needs to change his strategy... and he has now started AA and talked to a sponsor, and avoiding places/people w/ alcohol, and seeing a dr. about antidepressents.
Since he moved in in November, I've only seen him drunk twice, and the rest of the time he's incredibly helpful -- does all the cooking,gardening, fixes everything that breaks -- all without my asking. Goes out of his way to help me (gets my oil changed/runs errands for me when I'm stressed, etc.). The DUI and the debt from the past are haunting, but he has not driven drunk or increased his debt since I've known him.
I tell him my concerns and my fear.. openly... without holding back, and he holds me as I cry and tells me how deeply he knows he needs to never have a drink again and how deeply he is trying, and making mistakes, yes, but learning and changing his strategy and finally getting as much outside help as he can. He tells me he hopes I will stay by his side but he knows he needs to be sober no matter what. He tells me he will leave, stay somewhere else, giving me space if I need it, but that he really wants to be with me. That I CANNOT stay with a drunk him, but that the sober him does deserve me, and is wonderful, and that he knows that is what he has to be. He wants me to try alanon. And he has never, in ANY state, said anything mean or disparaging to me. He has invaded my privacy, and has been annoying and beligerent, but he has always built me up and always professed deep love, even in drunken stupor.
When we talk, I feel like I trust him... and want to give it more time... more chace... more love.
But when I talk to anyone else.. even you.. I think I sound ridiculous. This guy has a gazillion strikes against him, and I've known him less than a year, and we have no kids and no legal ties. What are his good points? He is helpful, loving, affectionate, smart, a dancer.... all wonderful things.. but am I doing the "using things that should be givens as positive enough to make up for bad things" thing? When I hear myself talk.. or write... I sound like I have no self esteem -- why in the world would I ever consider staying with such a guy? Even if I can make excuses for his behaviors, and even if he is on the road to recovery, I still deserve someone who is financially well off, has a license, etc.
And yet..
I am in love.
And yet...
I want to believe him.
I read everyone else writing that, that I want to slap them and tell them to wake up and start respecting themselves more.
And yet I somehow think "my case is different"... "my ABF is different" ... just like everyone else does.
But maybe he is? Maybe this forum biases towards the cases that turn out the worst, because we all tend to seek help when we're down?
My father is an alcoholic. My mother had two children with him. She gave him so many chances and he never changed, and eventually she kicked him out, but the whole thing was basically a decade of misery and anguish. After another decade of not dating, my mother married another alcoholic (go figure). The drama was intense. We told her to leave him, and when she didn't I told her to stop calling me, and basically cut her out of my life for a while. But she stayed with him, and he DID quit, and they are now retired and happy as two peas in a pod -- crazy happy and in love. I ask her about my situation, and she doesn't know what to say: AH1 was the worst mistake of her life, AH2 makes her incredibly happy.
Got any more wisdom for me? I appreciate it so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
It's your life and you make the ultimate decision, we just offered our opinions after asked.
I guess I'm confused from different aspects of your various posts on this subject, one minute he sounds perfect, except for the "A" thing, then you bring up some other hidden secret in another.
You need to go with your heart either way. I guess if he had cancer, would you be asking these questions? At least with alcoholism, it can be cured by not drinking and working hard at sobriety. Hopefully he stays with AA and I pray he stays sober for both your sakes. I've also seen alcoholics close to me stay sober for years, so it can be done.
I guess I'm confused from different aspects of your various posts on this subject, one minute he sounds perfect, except for the "A" thing, then you bring up some other hidden secret in another.
You need to go with your heart either way. I guess if he had cancer, would you be asking these questions? At least with alcoholism, it can be cured by not drinking and working hard at sobriety. Hopefully he stays with AA and I pray he stays sober for both your sakes. I've also seen alcoholics close to me stay sober for years, so it can be done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Hicksville, NY
Posts: 14
You are a beautiful wonderful person. You deserve better. As an ACOA I would try to find Al-anon meetings in your area. I would say run as most of the others have. At the very least don't enable him and let him solve his problems on his own. Maybe after a year of AA program and sobriety (if he ever does that) you can re visit the relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Hoboken, NJ
Posts: 7
Dreamstones -- yeah, I'm a little confused too about interpreting him as an amazing person with this one big obstacle he is fully committed to overcoming... and a typical lying, broke, groveling active A.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Hoboken, NJ
Posts: 7
And - for expectations - I know in my mind and heart that no one else in this forum or anywhere else can tell me what to do, or what is the truth of my situation - know that that is a call I am going to make alone -- but there is so much wisdom and experience here, and your insights are powerful aids. I'm not asking what to do (even if literally that may be what I asked). I'm asking for you to share anything you're inspired to share, so that I can take it in, and decide for myself what to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Regarding "being in love"...ugh, I know this is going to sound pessimistic, but I've done myself a lot of damage in the name of being in love. To me, that expression has more to do with liking the dizzy giddiness a person makes you feel than actually knowing and loving the person fully/completely, as in "I LOVE being in love"...kwim?
From your description of your conversation with your ABF, it seems FAR too early in his recovery for him to be in a relationship. The fact that he had a relapse not long ago is a clear sign that he needs to focus on himself.
If you two are "meant to be", and he's truly THE ONE you're going to end up with, the it won't hurt to step back, de-dramatize and wait to see what happens, will it? If after a while, you find that you still have a problem with his alcoholism, then rethink the relationship. Until then, it wouldn't hurt for you to also focus on yourself.
"True love" isn't the stuff of romance novels and badly written chick flicks where forlorn lovers overcome impossible situations to finally run in slow motion towards each other...that's just fluff. Love is something based on mutual respect that builds gradually *over time*.
From your description of your conversation with your ABF, it seems FAR too early in his recovery for him to be in a relationship. The fact that he had a relapse not long ago is a clear sign that he needs to focus on himself.
If you two are "meant to be", and he's truly THE ONE you're going to end up with, the it won't hurt to step back, de-dramatize and wait to see what happens, will it? If after a while, you find that you still have a problem with his alcoholism, then rethink the relationship. Until then, it wouldn't hurt for you to also focus on yourself.
"True love" isn't the stuff of romance novels and badly written chick flicks where forlorn lovers overcome impossible situations to finally run in slow motion towards each other...that's just fluff. Love is something based on mutual respect that builds gradually *over time*.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I agree with the last posters
It seems you want to know the future.... you can't know what will happen.... you can't control it. You only have today. Not even today.. just NOW...
There is no rush then... what if, he comes back when he gets his one year sober chip in AA? AND when he can show he no longer has any debt $. Then.. there will be no empty words and conflicting actions... and during that time you will become stronger and healthier so.. when / if he comes back.. you'll know for sure if he has what you need? maybe by then you met someone else who is great and does things for you WITHOUT the lies, addictions, etc. Maybe by then you fell in love with your own life and want to be single for a few years?
What is confusing for me is when someone says X but then does Y, and I know their background is Z.... I need someone whose thoughts align with their words, and their words align with their actions. This brings me security and stability and motivates me to be the same way. Otherwise it is very confusing and I can't trust.
It seems you want to know the future.... you can't know what will happen.... you can't control it. You only have today. Not even today.. just NOW...
There is no rush then... what if, he comes back when he gets his one year sober chip in AA? AND when he can show he no longer has any debt $. Then.. there will be no empty words and conflicting actions... and during that time you will become stronger and healthier so.. when / if he comes back.. you'll know for sure if he has what you need? maybe by then you met someone else who is great and does things for you WITHOUT the lies, addictions, etc. Maybe by then you fell in love with your own life and want to be single for a few years?
What is confusing for me is when someone says X but then does Y, and I know their background is Z.... I need someone whose thoughts align with their words, and their words align with their actions. This brings me security and stability and motivates me to be the same way. Otherwise it is very confusing and I can't trust.
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