Wondering whether to talk to him or not
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Wondering whether to talk to him or not
AT the risk of being slammed - over the past month I have been doing a lot of work on myself. It has been very slow and at times I have been downright resistant to change. However, one of the images that keeping repeating for me is my last interchange before the holidays with my RAH and my decision to cut things off for awhile. ( poss major over reaction alert at the time)
I have come to realize that I have been wrong - I have not handled things well in my relationship. I know we have all been there but I am talking about his recovery time now. I have been so hurt and angry that I have not allowed my husband to express himself and explore his reactions to life without getting caught up in it. I have taken things personally when not necessary, I have expected things when he wasn't there yet in his recovery, and I have been pushing him away when I could be giving him space to explore and reflect and learn from things. My overreactivity had not only given him cause to pull away from me but I have pushed him there myself at times.
I am not overlooking other facts related to his behavior b/c right now I am trying to see me in this and deal with me. I am acknowledging my ability to misperceive someone else's behavior and intentions - to take things too personally and to withdrawl in the face of conflict of not knowing what to do.
I am wondering how or when to reconnect and share this with my RAH. In some ways I think I want to work this out - but it may not be something that will work out. Just wanting some feedback from others.
I have come to realize that I have been wrong - I have not handled things well in my relationship. I know we have all been there but I am talking about his recovery time now. I have been so hurt and angry that I have not allowed my husband to express himself and explore his reactions to life without getting caught up in it. I have taken things personally when not necessary, I have expected things when he wasn't there yet in his recovery, and I have been pushing him away when I could be giving him space to explore and reflect and learn from things. My overreactivity had not only given him cause to pull away from me but I have pushed him there myself at times.
I am not overlooking other facts related to his behavior b/c right now I am trying to see me in this and deal with me. I am acknowledging my ability to misperceive someone else's behavior and intentions - to take things too personally and to withdrawl in the face of conflict of not knowing what to do.
I am wondering how or when to reconnect and share this with my RAH. In some ways I think I want to work this out - but it may not be something that will work out. Just wanting some feedback from others.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
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So you have have identified things about yourself that you're not happy with. Have you managed to take steps to change these things about yourself? Are you a better person than you once were? Have you given yourself enough time to reflect and grow?
IMHO, if you haven't done the work except to identify these things, what's to stop you from acting like this again? You need space and time to sort this out for you before reconnecting and exposing yourself to all the old triggers. Take the space to heal yourself first.
What is your motivation to get back in touch right now? What do you think you would get from it? What do you expect? Are you clear on the whys?
IMHO, if you haven't done the work except to identify these things, what's to stop you from acting like this again? You need space and time to sort this out for you before reconnecting and exposing yourself to all the old triggers. Take the space to heal yourself first.
What is your motivation to get back in touch right now? What do you think you would get from it? What do you expect? Are you clear on the whys?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Wow, so glad you have gotten to this point in your recovery Kassie! Good work! My advice? I agree with Anvil: Stay your course.
Stay in the present moment. Take it one day at a time. When you have gotten to the point where you no longer feel the need or the pressure to tell him what you want to tell him, you will know you have arrived.
Stay in the present moment. Take it one day at a time. When you have gotten to the point where you no longer feel the need or the pressure to tell him what you want to tell him, you will know you have arrived.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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I don't know the REST of the story, but a book I appreciate is Crucial Conversations - Tools for Talking when Stakes are High by Grenny Patterson.
I realize I am a big participant, too, but my resolving my side won't necessarily resolve everything. Even if I am at my best, my partner has to do his work. Right now, he's not doing any work and I can't expect myself to be at my best all the time. I need to do my work and have a partner that works on themselves, too.
I just say that because we can go to extremes wanting THEM to change or thinking if we just fix and change ourselves ENOUGH we can fix everything.
We can't always fix everything.
And then again, sometimes life surprises us.
I'm just saying take some deep breathes and practice your new found realizations.
See what happens.
Hugs,
w
I realize I am a big participant, too, but my resolving my side won't necessarily resolve everything. Even if I am at my best, my partner has to do his work. Right now, he's not doing any work and I can't expect myself to be at my best all the time. I need to do my work and have a partner that works on themselves, too.
I just say that because we can go to extremes wanting THEM to change or thinking if we just fix and change ourselves ENOUGH we can fix everything.
We can't always fix everything.
And then again, sometimes life surprises us.
I'm just saying take some deep breathes and practice your new found realizations.
See what happens.
Hugs,
w
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Situation: are separated - sobreity is one year altho he did have some slips- during the past year we were supposed to reunite and he cancelled it - we haven't been able to pull things together since then for very long and I think I had something to do with that as stated. 2 mo ago I cut off all contact and a few weeks ago he said he wanted to talk about ending the M. I told him I did not want that but I wouldn't fight. His response was to keep things as they are then.
To others - I feel only a little pressure to initiate a talk- part of me wants to move forward already and another much larger part says to take my time. I have tried to visualize such a talk and get tense imaging things going back to the way they are b/c I haven't been at this place very long. I am actually overwhelmed with what I am seeing and feeling and just want to share.
I like the reference to the step work b/c I realized that this did sound like step work but not familiar enough with what comes next and will have to research more. Keeping things in perspective.
Another good point is I cannot control how he will take it (altho I know he have a positive and respectful response believe it or not - some prior exp with him) But whether it change anything between us or what happens next are questions I can't answer right now. I also don't know what or if there is progress with him - we really have a poor pacing issue. We both push ourselves through personal growth spurts as well as push each other and we definitely don't give each other space to just be where we are.
To others - I feel only a little pressure to initiate a talk- part of me wants to move forward already and another much larger part says to take my time. I have tried to visualize such a talk and get tense imaging things going back to the way they are b/c I haven't been at this place very long. I am actually overwhelmed with what I am seeing and feeling and just want to share.
I like the reference to the step work b/c I realized that this did sound like step work but not familiar enough with what comes next and will have to research more. Keeping things in perspective.
Another good point is I cannot control how he will take it (altho I know he have a positive and respectful response believe it or not - some prior exp with him) But whether it change anything between us or what happens next are questions I can't answer right now. I also don't know what or if there is progress with him - we really have a poor pacing issue. We both push ourselves through personal growth spurts as well as push each other and we definitely don't give each other space to just be where we are.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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To respond to another - I am taking steps to change this behavior and resolve personal issues which is how this all came up for me. I am practicing through a journal different responses to previous situations etc. I am listening or reading things to keep me focused on the changes which I sorely need. I have been practicing with people I don't have such major issues with and it is good. I am also in therapy.
And when my husband asked about ending things I stepped into our old dance and caught myself and stated how I felt in a controlled manner (angry and in disagreement) and then was able to state the obvious (I cannot stop you from filing) and then said the magic words to let go ( I will not fight you if you proceed). His response to me was telling ( ok, stay married forever but I think it is a mistake) he is angry with me for cutting off with him but isn't ready to change anything yet.
And when my husband asked about ending things I stepped into our old dance and caught myself and stated how I felt in a controlled manner (angry and in disagreement) and then was able to state the obvious (I cannot stop you from filing) and then said the magic words to let go ( I will not fight you if you proceed). His response to me was telling ( ok, stay married forever but I think it is a mistake) he is angry with me for cutting off with him but isn't ready to change anything yet.
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