Well...I'm back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Well...I'm back.
My last post included replies which told me to (basically) break things off with ABF for now at least.
I was SO close to it....then about an hour after the last reply he showed up at my door...roses in hand, a big charming smile and asked if we could talk.
I let him in (we weren not fighting but he could tell things were 'off') I put our son to bed for his nap and we have a 1.5 hour heart to heart.
I held nothing back, I was as honest as honest could get. I told him I was thinking of breaking up with him, and that I had thought about it for quite some time.
He asked for one more chance, said we could truly make it work. I believed him, and we were doing so great! A few blips here and there, but that's to be expected.
My ABF has been struggling with his weight for a little while now. Lately he's been eating right, and doing so great! Exercising too!
He texted tonight saying he was so angry with himself, he bought a scale and he is MUCH heavier than he anticipated and he's depressed about it.
Then out of the blue he texts that he's going to be going to AA. He's NEVER said this before, he was ADAMENT that he could become sober on his own, and to my knowledge he was doing a phenominal job having quit since January 1st of this year.
So, I ask if he's drinking again. He said no, but that he has drank during the time he told me he wasn't.
He said he expected me to dump him.
Later he said for me to yell at him, dump him, get angry. I asked why and he said that the punishment fit the crime.
He's going away this weekend, I asked him if he intended to drink while he's there (seeing old friends who all drink) and he told me that he didn't but now he's so f'd up that he probably will, and that when he gets home there will be no alcohol for 1 year.
He last asked me if I still wanted to see him on Valentines Day, I said that while I did have a gift I wasn't really wanting to see him if he was drinking the night prior. His reply was "Fine. I'll see you when I see you then"
I asked him how many times he has drank since Jan. 1st...he said 9 times. he's kept track.
I told him I felt betrayed, he said that's a strong word. But...if he told me he was not drinking, then I find out he was, that's lieing, therefor I felt betrayed!
I'm assuming this is all normal for someone trying to quit on thier own.
I wonder if he'll actually go to AA.
This should be interesting.
I was SO close to it....then about an hour after the last reply he showed up at my door...roses in hand, a big charming smile and asked if we could talk.
I let him in (we weren not fighting but he could tell things were 'off') I put our son to bed for his nap and we have a 1.5 hour heart to heart.
I held nothing back, I was as honest as honest could get. I told him I was thinking of breaking up with him, and that I had thought about it for quite some time.
He asked for one more chance, said we could truly make it work. I believed him, and we were doing so great! A few blips here and there, but that's to be expected.
My ABF has been struggling with his weight for a little while now. Lately he's been eating right, and doing so great! Exercising too!
He texted tonight saying he was so angry with himself, he bought a scale and he is MUCH heavier than he anticipated and he's depressed about it.
Then out of the blue he texts that he's going to be going to AA. He's NEVER said this before, he was ADAMENT that he could become sober on his own, and to my knowledge he was doing a phenominal job having quit since January 1st of this year.
So, I ask if he's drinking again. He said no, but that he has drank during the time he told me he wasn't.
He said he expected me to dump him.
Later he said for me to yell at him, dump him, get angry. I asked why and he said that the punishment fit the crime.
He's going away this weekend, I asked him if he intended to drink while he's there (seeing old friends who all drink) and he told me that he didn't but now he's so f'd up that he probably will, and that when he gets home there will be no alcohol for 1 year.
He last asked me if I still wanted to see him on Valentines Day, I said that while I did have a gift I wasn't really wanting to see him if he was drinking the night prior. His reply was "Fine. I'll see you when I see you then"
I asked him how many times he has drank since Jan. 1st...he said 9 times. he's kept track.
I told him I felt betrayed, he said that's a strong word. But...if he told me he was not drinking, then I find out he was, that's lieing, therefor I felt betrayed!
I'm assuming this is all normal for someone trying to quit on thier own.
I wonder if he'll actually go to AA.
This should be interesting.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
what suki said.
it'd be much mre encouraging were he to call and say
he's already begun going to AA.
It' just sounds like another 'carrot' to me.
The roses, the sweet talk, the 'good behavior'
will never last.
CAN... never last.
Because they're pretending to be something... they aren't.
Now put the shoe on the other foot -
instead of asking if YOU want to deal with this from now on -
ask instead -
would you want someone who forced YOU
to be something you're not
for the rest of your life?
Those of us who have been down this road
*are* jaded. That's true
I own that big time.
So I know anything I write here,
is just going to sound like
some rigid old bat like
I'm frozen in place and don't want
anyone to have a relationship.
Which is FAR FAR far from the truth.
It took me SOOOoooo much pain
just to get where I am ...
And I had to get here
on my own.
If I can AT ALL circumvent someone else
from making the same mistake...
I'm going to try.
it'd be much mre encouraging were he to call and say
he's already begun going to AA.
It' just sounds like another 'carrot' to me.
The roses, the sweet talk, the 'good behavior'
will never last.
CAN... never last.
Because they're pretending to be something... they aren't.
Now put the shoe on the other foot -
instead of asking if YOU want to deal with this from now on -
ask instead -
would you want someone who forced YOU
to be something you're not
for the rest of your life?
Those of us who have been down this road
*are* jaded. That's true
I own that big time.
So I know anything I write here,
is just going to sound like
some rigid old bat like
I'm frozen in place and don't want
anyone to have a relationship.
Which is FAR FAR far from the truth.
It took me SOOOoooo much pain
just to get where I am ...
And I had to get here
on my own.
If I can AT ALL circumvent someone else
from making the same mistake...
I'm going to try.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Elsie, I think you just got tickets to ride 
yet again.
I know it feels so good and wonderful when given gifts and promises of him "going" to do this or that, and I know that feeling well......I have had it so often.
I also know the feelings that usually follow soon after those gifts and promises.
Sadness, anger, loss, nausea, disgust and depression....when it turns out I fell for his manipulation and BS yet AGAIN.
If he really meant he was so sick of the drink, and was so determined to quit, that he was going to AA for help......he would be there NOW, not going out with drinking mates and expecting to drink.
He is trying to keep his drinking and you, that is it in a nutshell.
You thought him sober since Jan 1st, and now find out he's had his drink on 9 occassions........guess he figures what you don't know can't hurt him.
As for HIS merry-go-round, and it is his, as he sets it going, sets how fast and how long it spins for,....He doesn't want to be on it alone, so you can spin around with him til you finally decide to jump off.
I also wish you luck, as I think you will need it.
God bless
yet again.I know it feels so good and wonderful when given gifts and promises of him "going" to do this or that, and I know that feeling well......I have had it so often.
I also know the feelings that usually follow soon after those gifts and promises.
Sadness, anger, loss, nausea, disgust and depression....when it turns out I fell for his manipulation and BS yet AGAIN.
If he really meant he was so sick of the drink, and was so determined to quit, that he was going to AA for help......he would be there NOW, not going out with drinking mates and expecting to drink.
He is trying to keep his drinking and you, that is it in a nutshell.
You thought him sober since Jan 1st, and now find out he's had his drink on 9 occassions........guess he figures what you don't know can't hurt him.
As for HIS merry-go-round, and it is his, as he sets it going, sets how fast and how long it spins for,....He doesn't want to be on it alone, so you can spin around with him til you finally decide to jump off.
I also wish you luck, as I think you will need it.
God bless
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Okay, I'm not trying to hijack. I agree with everyone's responses.
He does sound like a somewhat balanced individual that suffers with alcoholism though...vs. someone with severe issues. He's exercising, etc,etc. Not to say he's still a liar. He just doesn't sound like a complete lost cause, but then again maybe he's just one of those who is willing to cover his tracks more. In the sense of creating more a facade with the broken promises, lies, etc.
I would say don't hold your breath. He's either going to AA and committed to recovery or not...
My question is for everyone: When you've taken that step to detach completely and break it off etc. and they DO go into recovery, does the A actually ever call and say "I finally went. I'm clean. I'm trying."??? Maybe I just can't imagine that day, but I left it at "don't contact me until you get help and are clean..." And how do you know they actually are? (Well, the lies get to be obvious, but you know...) Does that happen? Its so simple, that first step...to actually go and start, yet so inevitably impossible for them.
He does sound like a somewhat balanced individual that suffers with alcoholism though...vs. someone with severe issues. He's exercising, etc,etc. Not to say he's still a liar. He just doesn't sound like a complete lost cause, but then again maybe he's just one of those who is willing to cover his tracks more. In the sense of creating more a facade with the broken promises, lies, etc.
I would say don't hold your breath. He's either going to AA and committed to recovery or not...
My question is for everyone: When you've taken that step to detach completely and break it off etc. and they DO go into recovery, does the A actually ever call and say "I finally went. I'm clean. I'm trying."??? Maybe I just can't imagine that day, but I left it at "don't contact me until you get help and are clean..." And how do you know they actually are? (Well, the lies get to be obvious, but you know...) Does that happen? Its so simple, that first step...to actually go and start, yet so inevitably impossible for them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Elsie 
that when he gets home there will be no alcohol for 1 year.
That just reeks of seriousness, doesn't it? I'm really gonna quit........tomorrow. Yeah right.
He does not want to quit. Therefore, he won't. It's obvious to me, but not to you because you want him to so bad. I know. I was there. I wanted him to so bad. I manipulated him into it several times. Once, he lasted four months. That was a miserable time. He resented me so much. Hated me for coming between him and his alcohol.
You can continue to try and control him, or take control of your own life. Your choice. Your pain. Same as Barb, I can see it coming. I wish I could prevent your pain, but unfortunately, that's how we learn.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by MaryGoRound
He does sound like a somewhat balanced individual that suffers with alcoholism though...vs. someone with severe issues. He's exercising, etc,etc. Not to say he's still a liar. He just doesn't sound like a complete lost cause, but then again maybe he's just one of those who is willing to cover his tracks more.
L
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I asked him how many times he has drank since Jan. 1st...he said 9 times. he's kept track.
I told him I felt betrayed, he said that's a strong word. But...if he told me he was not drinking, then I find out he was, that's lieing, therefor I felt betrayed!
I told him I felt betrayed, he said that's a strong word. But...if he told me he was not drinking, then I find out he was, that's lieing, therefor I felt betrayed!
He drank. He lied about it.
lie - check.
betrayal - check.
repeat? - check.
escalate? - check.
You know, I think he's 'baiting' you with the promises of gifts...
because drinking 9 times since new years -
is once a week.
It's like ... every six days or something.
We're only 41 days into the new year, hon. It's not even Feb 14th yet.
he's doing what he wants to do
because he knows you can be bought.
I'm sorry, ok; but that's what I'm seeing.
I'm gonna go out and drink
but can I see you on Valentine's?
Implying -
no visit -
no gift.
I think you need to get really honest with yourself, hon.
*I* love getting gifts as well.
I am very poor - and flashing bling at me will DEFO get my attention.
Gifting - is also a direct affect on 'self worth'.
We can (and DO) easily MISCONSTRUE the receiving of said gift
because we so desperately want to feel worthwhile.
I hope you'll think about this one, hon.
But the 'honesty' goes both ways
that's the double edged sword of the thing -
now YOU need to get honest
and decide
are you sticking this out
because this guy is so amazing wonderful...
or... do you like getting the gifts?
My suggestion is to be gut- honest and crystal clear on that one.
If you decide you're just in it for the presents -
then go with it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Mine did the same. He would all of a sudden start exercising, he joined a pool, swam five nights a week, became a vegetarian, quit smoking, I could go on and on. All the things he did, lasted for a couple months, tops. He had an addictive/obsessive personality. He could do whatever he thought would work----for awhile. Then, back to the same ole, same ole.
L
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
If you decide you're just in it for the presents -
then go with it.
then go with it.
The roses were because he KNEW I wanted to break things off, I haven't seen flowers from him to me since last June.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
I've been through many of thei lis to quit, ovr and over....then only for him to admit that he had....which always makes me wonder - why did I have to know....I already KNEW! He is probablly ben honest when he says he will drink this weekend.....you have to decidd if you ar eok with this behavior....and do what you have to do for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by anvilhead
I haven't seen flowers from him to me since last June.
and what prompted the flowers THEN?
and what prompted the flowers THEN?
but what a great question.I guess he knows that flowers are your weakness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by anvilhead
I haven't seen flowers from him to me since last June.
and what prompted the flowers THEN?
and what prompted the flowers THEN?
He was happy with the way things were going, and he sent me flowers.
The last flowers I recieved were because he knew something was very wrong and he suspected I wanted to break up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Another little update
he and I have been exchanging some emails this morning....he doesn't see how he lied.
He said it was ok because I had told him that I can't control his drinking, but that I had asked him not to drink around me or the kids and he didn't.
And yeah, it's his body, he can drink to he's blue in the face, I cannot control it....but I feel I WAS lied to. He led me to believe he was sober!
Anyway, long story short, I told him I don't know if I can believe anything he says now. He's got a bit of a history of lieing/bending the truth/trying to make me believe what he didn wasnt really SO bad etc.
He sent an email that said "So what now?"
I said "I don't know"
His reply? So predictable by the way..."That's supportive. You don't act like you like me a lot of the time."
I told him it wasn't about me, this is about him, and to stop blame shifting.
He replied with "I think I'll just leave you alone"
Which again, is manipulative, he WANTS me to say "no no, don't go away"
Screw it.
I'm tired of being lied to!
How do people live with the one's who are trying to sober up but have relapses? I don't understand!
In my case, we do not live together so if he says he's not drinking I only have that to go on. I didn't know he had drank on 9 occasions from January till now!
Ugh! Just...UGH!!!
He said it was ok because I had told him that I can't control his drinking, but that I had asked him not to drink around me or the kids and he didn't.
And yeah, it's his body, he can drink to he's blue in the face, I cannot control it....but I feel I WAS lied to. He led me to believe he was sober!
Anyway, long story short, I told him I don't know if I can believe anything he says now. He's got a bit of a history of lieing/bending the truth/trying to make me believe what he didn wasnt really SO bad etc.
He sent an email that said "So what now?"
I said "I don't know"
His reply? So predictable by the way..."That's supportive. You don't act like you like me a lot of the time."
I told him it wasn't about me, this is about him, and to stop blame shifting.
He replied with "I think I'll just leave you alone"
Which again, is manipulative, he WANTS me to say "no no, don't go away"
Screw it.
I'm tired of being lied to!
How do people live with the one's who are trying to sober up but have relapses? I don't understand!
In my case, we do not live together so if he says he's not drinking I only have that to go on. I didn't know he had drank on 9 occasions from January till now!
Ugh! Just...UGH!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Elsie
How do people live with the one's who are trying to sober up but have relapses? I don't understand!
In my case, we do not live together so if he says he's not drinking I only have that to go on. I didn't know he had drank on 9 occasions from January till now!
Ugh! Just...UGH!!!
In my case, we do not live together so if he says he's not drinking I only have that to go on. I didn't know he had drank on 9 occasions from January till now!
Ugh! Just...UGH!!!
L
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi again Elsie -
Good! It's none of my beeswax, hon - the post read (to me) as if he often did 'wrong', then made up for it with gifts. Sorry if I was reading sonething 'into' the post.
What we co-d's do is...
we smooth over what is REALLY going on in a relationship.
we make excuses.
we ignore slights and hurts.
We give and give
to someone who only takes.
My only intention was to bring to light where I thought I was seeing examples being smoothed over.
I'm gld to see you're really looking at the situation.
Good! It's none of my beeswax, hon - the post read (to me) as if he often did 'wrong', then made up for it with gifts. Sorry if I was reading sonething 'into' the post.
What we co-d's do is...
we smooth over what is REALLY going on in a relationship.
we make excuses.
we ignore slights and hurts.
We give and give
to someone who only takes.
My only intention was to bring to light where I thought I was seeing examples being smoothed over.
I'm gld to see you're really looking at the situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Uh Huh!! He figures he complied with your request for him not to drink around you and your kids.
So why keep his 9 drinking bouts secret and letting you assume he was sober as of 1st Jan?
Maybe because he knows he lied. Whether outright, or by implying sobriety doesn't matter, as either way he led you astray.
Now comes more excuses, and manipulation to get you to do what he wants, again.
Do you really need someone in your life whose words need to be unscrambled before you can believe them? Someone who does not make life easier, but makes it harder for you?
Look on his drinking as if it were a "love interest". Would you still be there if he had spent 9 nights with an ex-lover? I doubt it. I sure hope not.
God bless
So why keep his 9 drinking bouts secret and letting you assume he was sober as of 1st Jan?
Maybe because he knows he lied. Whether outright, or by implying sobriety doesn't matter, as either way he led you astray.
Now comes more excuses, and manipulation to get you to do what he wants, again.
Do you really need someone in your life whose words need to be unscrambled before you can believe them? Someone who does not make life easier, but makes it harder for you?
Look on his drinking as if it were a "love interest". Would you still be there if he had spent 9 nights with an ex-lover? I doubt it. I sure hope not.
God bless
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