Acceptable Stance?
 

I’ve been re-reading my Co D No More in hopes of gaining some clarity. It’s great! It’s made me see just how much anger and resentment I’m holding on to.

This is where I’m at and I’m looking for the tough love hard truth about it.. I want to know what it looks like from the outside. Am I playing the victim? Am I being selfish or inconsiderate? Is this a reasonable action for someone trying to lessen their Co D tendencies? (Now I realize waiting for all of you to validate (or not) my choice is not exactly on track, but hey.. baby steps, right?!?)

My ABF and I had another yucky physical confrontation at the beginning of Jan. At which point I thought. I’m done, this is it. (for the millionth time) Of course I needed this or that time to complete what I needed to do to be able to leave. I felt really distant from him but let him “suck me back in”. I stated that I wasn’t about to sweep the whole thing under the rug, because the rug was full. I would work on things but was not content to do the same old thing. Working on it ourselves didn’t and won’t work. We need some other options. Of course he did nothing (same old) and I turned to my books and forums (same old). I take responsibility for not doing more at that time but I didn’t.

Anyway, by my observation was that he is frustrated and irritated most of the time because I’m not giving him the attention he wants. Last Thursday, he invited me out (to have a drink of course) and I reluctantly went. That night he started in on something and I decided to sleep in the other room for the night. This enraged him for some darn reason and he came out of the room just ticked. (Even though he makes the choice to sleep in the other room when he wants to) He ended up shattering the remote control, snatching my book from me and throwing it on the floor and grabbing me by the back of the neck. For once I didn’t retaliate. I let him know that it was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t put up with it anymore. He went to the room only to come back and say that if I wasn’t going to sleep in there that he would come out and sleep with me. So I went to the room with him. Where he cried and pleaded that he loved me, that I just make him feel so lonely and I never think about his feelings and what he needs. I do, but his feelings of loneliness don’t make me feel like having sex with someone who treats me like this. Does he treat me like this all the time, no, has it been more than I should put up with, yes. Do I feel like I deserve the right to say when I feel like having sex. Yes I do.

So now we’re doing the same thing again. He’s irritated that I’m “ignoring” him and he is mostly distant and snappy. I’m distant and un-engaging. My stance at this point in time is.. I need some space from your NEED for sex. I don’t want to right now and I’m not going to. I’m trying to figure out for myself whether real change is possible for us or if it is all just magical thinking? I understand his feeling but they are just that.. his feelings. I don’t think I should have to do something I’m not comfortable with just to make his feelings all better. If he wants to wait by my side for the outcome he can, if he doesn’t care to “wait around” he doesn’t have to. This space emotionally is what I need right now. Is this a “healthy” stance to have?

(Reading all of the things I did the last couple of months shows me just how far I have to go with this. When I lay it all out it seems that I really haven’t made any progress on my Co Dependency at all.. sigh):cries3:

What you have just described from your ABF is abuse, pure and simple. It will only escalate, regardless of how 'codie' you are being. Please, please get yourself out of this dangerous situation. You're stance would be healthy in a non abusive situation - as it is you may unwittingly be placing yourself in even more danger. Have you spoken to your local domestic abuse shelter?

Why are you ignoring the danger signs and minimising the violence? You have told him that violence is unacceptable, but your actions have said otherwise. Your post has really worried me.

I think it's a healthy boundary. I am concerned, though, about the physical abuse and the confrontations which might encourage you to set a few more boundaries?



edited to add: It is unquestionably a hostile and abusive situation. Consider whether you have to stay there under these circumstances.

All the books I have read on abusive behavior say that you are not a "player" in the abuse. It's not a matter of being co-dependent, and you can work on YOU all day long, but the dynamic won't improve because he is an abuser. In fact, your detachment is likely to make the abuse worse.

Please be careful.

I know. :( For some stupid reason I keep thinking it won't happen again. And becuase up until this last time I've been part of the problem. Does that make is right, no. Does it mean I should stay no. But for some reason I just don't. I can't figure out why!!

It's not financial. I've got that. It's not really companionship. I don't really have it now. So what the he!! is it??!?!:explode

You are great! Give yourself some credit. You're not turning a blind eye. You're trying to figure this out. You're moving forward.

He ended up shattering the remote control, snatching my book from me and throwing it on the floor and grabbing me by the back of the neck. For once I didn’t retaliate. I let him know that it was unacceptable and that I wouldn’t put up with it anymore.

What does that mean? HOW are you not going to put up with it anymore?

What is acceptable and not acceptable to you?
Is his being violent with things acceptable?
Is his being violent with YOU acceptable?

If you go away and he demands you come back into the room and you do, you can't protect yourself.
If he is rough or abusive or simply grumpy and pushy with you and you stay in a relationship with him, you can't protect yourself.
Do you want to protect yourself?

I am all about these assertive rights lately:
Your Assertive Rights
1. You have the right to express your thoughts, opinions, feelings, beliefs and preferences in direct, honest ways that promote dignity and self respect while respecting the rights of others.
2. You have the right to be treated with respect by self and others.
3. You have the right to ask for what you want.
4. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
5. You have the right to experience your feelings.
6. You have the right to decide what you want to do with your time, your body and your property.
7. You have the right to change your mind.
8. You have the right to do less than you are humanely capable of doing.
9. You have the right to say NO and not feel guilty.
10. You have the right to take time to slow down and think.
11. You have the right to say, "I don't understand."
12. You have the right to ask for information.
13. You have the right to say, "I don't know."
14. You have the right to say, "I don't care."
15. You have the right to feel good about yourself.

I would add, you have the right to take action to protect yourself, even if it will hurt someone else or make them mad at you.

I agree.. For some reason as time goes by I continue to minimize what has happend. I always start to think so many others have it worse than me. Who am I to complain? Now I know that is no reason to stay, but for a reason I can't figure out, I do anyway. lame.

isitme...your last post really scared me. He "grabbed you by the back of the neck" and threw stuff around?

This is abuse. Do you see this?

This is him being a bully, vying for control over you and for your attention.

If he were a two year old, you'd be looking at a little thing having an all out tantrum, raging, screaming and tearful. But he's not two, he's a grown man who's using his strength and size to get what he wants.

You know what you'd tell a cherished friend or a family member who's tell this story...you *know* you'd want this person to run away to safety.

Please consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Please.
1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
It's free and it might help you figure out where you stand.

This JMHO, but I think the reason you are staying is because you are used to this. You are "comfortable" in this situation...and maybe you feel that leaving him won't be any better than staying...? what do you think?

Was my ABF reincarnated and now living in YOUR house??? That jedi move getsya everytime don't it. And when you leave, he'll stalk you, text you, find you, plead, beg, buy jewelry, romance you, and it's all part of the dance.

I post this all the time so excuse me if I sound redundant...

It's not you that he wants. It's the false sense of identity he gets from overpowering and controlling you he misses so much. Remind him that he's made it clear just how
________ and __________ you are to him, and you wouldn't dream of making him spend another minute with someone so unworthy.

Get to a shelter. You're doing to get hurt.

you all are right, and I'm sorry I keep coming here posting the same types of stories. On another thread today I was reading.. it say sometime like. Maybe he's talking, he's just not saying what you want to hear. I'm am QUEEN of this! He talks, I repeat. We just don't see eye to eye. I do it here to. You all tell me, and I can see, then I repeat. Everyone is saying what I know I need to hear, yet I don't listen.

I guess I still have some magic left in me. Hoping it will all be ok. I've gotten so unsure of my own desicion making process that it seems easier to make the desicion to do nothing. I feel bad for having kids with this man, and I feel like no matter what choice I make from here on out I be dooming them to have a screwed up life. Either with parents that don't get along are violent or with a split up family.

Maybe even though I see what I'm doing I'm still not taking full responsiblity for my actions. Why does it happen, because I let it. Why haven't things changed, because I haven't done anything for myself to make it change. I know it's ok to make my own choices no matter what anyone else thinks of them, I just don't. I feel stuck even though I know I'm not.

Now that that's settled.. how did those of you how have been in this type of situtaion tell your A? Or did you just up and leave?

I guess I feel like I owe some sort but explination, but I don't, huh?

I won't blow it off. Promise. I've been thinking of leaving for about 1 1/2 or 2 years now.

I'm sorry that was so horrible for you, but I love the insight it's helped you gain, and share. I know I need to go. I know it's not going to get better. I think like so many others I don't want to feel the pain. I was reading about that yesterday in CoD no more. I've learned to burry my feelings that I know once I come to terms with them it's going to suck for a while. But it's something that has to happen if I'm going to ever have a happy live and create the happy childhood I want for my children. Dr Dyer says: "Don't die with your music still inside" At this point I'm straining to just hear that music but I know it's there and I really want to find it and let it out. :) I love this place.

This is very important. Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. The best principles for dealing with alcoholics are NOT always the best principles for dealing with abuse.

Please call the hotline. They are experts. They talk to people in your situation every day. They know the best advice to give you. We don't. It's only a phone call. You don't even have to give them your name. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

L

Okay. So, now...
what's your plan?
Do you have one?
Where you would go?
When you would leave?
What you would take?
Do you have enough money?
Do you have somewhere safe?
Etc.
There is a GREAT sticky on this topic somewhere...

All things considered the best way to go is just to leave if you can. If not figure out a way to do it ASAP. Rarely do relationships such as yourS (I've been in one or two) end ameniably. Sometimes they do work out; but the easy buttion is pulling the plug and getting on to a healthier life of your own design. We are hardwired to form relationships with members of the opposite sex; but there are real differences between healthy relationships and sick twisted. Sometimes were just too F ed up to tell the difference or even know what we really want. You're doing great; my opinion is that you will have the opportunity to get much better, be much happier, much quicker by leaving now rather than trying to make it work. Either way it is your decision and feel good about which ever direction you choose, while also trying to keep focused on realistic expectations. I personally tend to be an impatient perfectionist who dwells on a specific negative event for a little too long. Not having had a
drink in six months, divorcing my A ex, and working a quality program has allowed me
to better see things for what they really are; rather than as a projection of how I want them to be or fear them to be. Just know you're human (I know it sucks), your are valued, have alot to give (but not at the expense of your own sense of self), and dont feel guilty for taking what you need.

what's your plan? - To rent a duplex for me and the kids and move in May

Where you would go? - I'll stay in town for a while because I have a good job.
When you would leave? - The lease is currently in my name and I would like to finish it out. Yes I know it's not the best desicion in the world but I would like to leave with what I have.. not less.
What you would take? ALmost everything is mine. I was considering getting a storage bin somewhere so that I could start taking non-everyday items to it. My dad will fly down and help me move when I'm ready to go.
Do you have enough money? It will be tight but I make a good salary, have decent credit and know I could get some support from my parents if I need it.
Do you have somewhere safe? Yes. I have several co-workers and friends that can take in myself and the kids for a limited time if need be. They are all aware of the situation and I have told them to be "on-alert" that if I show up at the door with two kids, then should open it. All willfully agreed. I also have the option of going to WI to live with my parents but don't feel that is the best option at this point. But I certainly haven't discounted it.