Acceptable Stance?

Old 02-16-2010, 01:55 PM
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After this thread I was pretty unpopular with a few members. Just wanted to UPDATE that I made the call to the DV hotline today and will have cousling with a local shelter in a few days.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:16 PM
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It’s made me see just how much anger and resentment I’m holding on to.

This is the third time or so that I'm reading that book. I carry it with me now. Everytime I read it, I get something new out of it and this is the arena I'm in now. It hurts doesn't it? I need the sequel book to how to release the anger and resentment! But it can be done and I believe that with practice, even baby steps, of detachment and staying within our own set boundaries, that little by little this anger and resentment dissolve.

When I read your post, I had to double check the member name, thinking...did I post this some time ago and forget? You are living my life...and I'm not jealous!

One day I said, perhaps you are in need of rehab? He said "YOU are the reason I drink, etc" And I responded with my sassy attitude "Oh yeah? Then I'll eliminate myself from your addiction equation and see if Captain Morgan stays or goes". Yes, Captain stayed, I got on a plane and split. He found me, begged, pleaded, all the exposure and vulnerabilities of the little hurt boy came out in the light. And I post this all the time,
It wasn't me that he wanted so much. It was the false identity he got from overpowering me and controlling me that he missed so much. I reminded him just how clear he made it that I am _______ and _______ . And wouldn't dream of him spending another minute with someone so unworthy. Then, I detached. Got a new wardrobe, a new job, a new life which didn't revolve around him. Stopped driving him where he needed to go. Stopped giving him my last $5.00. Stopped driving him to court dates, probation officers, paying fines. He went off the deep end and died. But it was coming whether I began doing for myself or waited on him to get better.

The person you are with is sick. Don't beat yourself up over not being able to nurture them to health. They either want it or they don't.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:28 PM
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I didn't have kids with my D-ABF, and by the end, he'd either destroyed everything I owned, or I'd given it to my grown children in an act of preservation. But, I will tell you that I had a set of car keys to MY car, in MY name, cut and kept off premises. I also had two bags. One in the trunk, and one hidden on premises. It contained copies of important documents, money (and I had to scrape pennies, nickels, dollars, even at coinstar while he was out to make this happen) and a set of clothes. I also had a gas card loaded at CVS to I would have gas money and not only a name of a motel, but a place to disappear to that he never would know about, in another town. With kids, it's tricky, but it can be done. When I was married to my childrens father, and I was with him 15 years, divorced him after 17, he used to beat the crap out of me. I little by little, made my way up that corporate ladder and my plan was foiled because like an idiot, I'd waited too long and my worst fear came to fruition. He put his hands on one of my kids. He beat me, my kids, and I wound up jumping out of a two story window to a pay phone to call the police. The police instructed me to stay in a bush until I saw the squad car and they had him apprehended. I was in a panic because I'd left my children in the house. (moral of story, always live on ground floor). They did apprehend him, face down on the asphalt, boot in back, hand and ankle cuffs, IN FRONT of my children. I regret that they had to see their father in that state, but it's what happens when we don't act quickly to a plan. i hope you get motivated. You can and will do this.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:59 PM
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Take care of yourself girlfriend. I tried to PM you, not sure if you got it but I am sending big :ghug3:ghug3

Great job on getting help, keep putting one foot in front of the other. The people here are very wise and definitely know what they are talking about and I am glad they can guide you. Remember your precious babies, they are worth it!
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Old 02-16-2010, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
After this thread I was pretty unpopular with a few members. Just wanted to UPDATE that I made the call to the DV hotline today and will have cousling with a local shelter in a few days.
I don't see how you get "unpopular" out of concern for your safety and well-being, but I'm glad you are meeting with the counselor.

L
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Old 02-16-2010, 05:19 PM
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isitme.
This is clearly an abusive relationship
Have you read Luindy Bancofts book "Why does he do that?"

Some times the abuse escalates when you make moves to leave so i implore you to keep yourself safe, start preparing NOW.
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Old 02-16-2010, 05:33 PM
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i am so glad you are taking steps. the lease til may? so what.

you are gonna feel so strong you're gonna hear the "rocky" theme song playing on your life's soundtrack.

NO ONE was dissapointed, or "mad" at you! that's just you projecting.

i would not give that final statement, letter, or anything close. this will create a dangerous dynamic.

and, yes, anvilhead, you rock, sister
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Old 02-16-2010, 05:39 PM
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After this thread I was pretty unpopular with a few members. Just wanted to UPDATE that I made the call to the DV hotline today and will have cousling with a local shelter in a few days.
Just read this, sorry must have missed it.

Good on you, that takes guts.

I never read any posts as percieving you as unpopular. Just concerned for you. But your life is not a popularty contest. It is your life to be lived enjoyed and you dont have to answer to anyone but yourself.
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Old 02-17-2010, 06:30 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I don't see how you get "unpopular" out of concern for your safety and well-being, but I'm glad you are meeting with the counselor.

L

speaking for myself....

sometimes when people are very concerned about someone's safety, they can get very blunt, that bluntness without the softening context of body language and tone can be interpreted by a victim of abuse as being told off, (again, reinforcing the situation at home where everything is their fault, where they are stupid or not reacting "properly"). Especially when it is repeated "louder" and more bluntly by a number of people. Sometimes it can come across as bordering on bullying, especially when bringing the effect on someone's children into the argument, being a good parent may be all they have, and they may be doing many things to draw fire from the children or protect them.

I'm so glad you rang a counsellor IIM.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:30 AM
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The "unpopular" thing wasn't anything said directly on the board, but a couple of PM's I recieved afterwards. I realize it's not about being liked, but like Jen said it really hurt to be told I didn't care about my children and that I wasn't taking the situation seriously. I'm just doing the best that I can right now. I can't say what the future will hold but I am taking steps to make sure my family is safe.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:32 AM
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And yes.. I have "Why does he do that?" It's in another books jacket safely in my desk at work. Loved the book. Rings true on so many levels. Yet, doesn't make it any easier to just pack up and leave, no contact. That's a confidence I hope to build.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:00 PM
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A bit of advice....when you phone the DV, dial a different number after, so that it won't come up on redial or star *? .
So glad you have contacted the DV!!
This isn't a safe or happy way to live for you or your children.
I didn't have a clue the night that it got really bad..either that it was coming or that he would do the things he did.
I escaped. I might not have.
That guy was so not worth risking my young but grown daughter worrying about her mother's safety and life.
I did get DV counseling and it was some of the greatest I have ever had.
I wasn't ever really "ready" to leave but after yet another fight/break up..one time I finally did get the stubborness (it was my pride...what little was left of it) to go no contact and it took further counseling, alot of reading, and a couple years of trying to understand what had happened. It was harder to recover and "come back" to myself than any other relationship break up (including divorce). I was so confused, it took alot of extra time.
Today I would "jet" from anyone who I perceived as abusive in any way.
I look back and am horrified at what my life was then.
Unbelievable! I was never a push over for guys, what happened there?
I wish I would have left the very first time I knew and saw something amiss.
I hope you will put things together for a quick escape, continue with the DV counseling (for heaven's sake...don't tell him!) and set about re-claiming your life, your welfare, your happiness and freedom.
Your children would probably benefit from counseling also.
I also worry that if you two get into an altercation, you risk having your children removed from your home and custody.
Take care, good wishes, let us kow how you are....we do tend to worry sometimes.
hugs,
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