barb dwyer

welcome aboard, hope you find some anwers here- great advice so far!

I've nothing to add other than it's apparently
time for you to
decide whether this
is what you want your life
to be from now on.

Alcoholism gets worse.
it doesn't stay the same.
No exceptions.
It doesn't pause, hold, or tread water.

equinessa

I want to say thanks to jcr68 because when I read your post I know that even though I am in a swamp plodding through grief because I have left my marriage, I am so grateful I am not still living with the anti-social behaviour of an active alcoholic.

coffeedrinker

He is an alcoholic - drinking is how he deals.

I'm not an alcoholic. When I have stressors, I cry, talk to my mother, white-knuckle it a little knowing I'll get through it. I also try and manage the people that are at the root of the stress. But that's because I have codependent tendencies - that's my drug of choice (doesn't feel like I chose it, though!)

One of the problems is that when you guys have a "discussion" about this, you are trying to be reasonable. You are trying to use logic to convince him of his problem. In my opinion, it's like speaking a foreign language to someone. They don't understand because they can't understand. Not capable.

Do you have some people to rally around you for this intervention? I guess it can be very effective, but I think the timing of it matters. What I mean is, do you think he is close? I know about the DUI's, but my belief is that their "bottom" is generally about the important relationships that have been affected. Did he used to have significant relationships that are now damaged (other than you I mean)?

queenteree

He has his conditional license, is on probation and still drinking and driving???? You've talked to his probation officer???? And still nothing???? Isn't that a violation of probation to be drinking since he is convicted of two alcohol-related offenses????? Where I live, probation is given in lieu of a jail sentence provided one complies with the terms of probation, first one being abstinence from alcohol, especially with alcohol-related offenses. If they don't, it's jail time. Did probation mandate him to outpatient alcohol treatment? If so, aren't they testing him? Doesn't he get tested at probation? I may seem jaded (which to be honest, I probably am lol), but if it were me, never mind the intervention, I'd be forcing the issue w/probation and let him bear the consequences of his actions. You cannot save your husband, but you may be saving an innocent person from being killed by a drunk driver .... JMHO ...

jcr68

You're correct - he isn't supposed to be drinking. He gets "randomly" urine tested, but his probation officer gives a 24 hour notice. After I spoke with the p.o., she said she would order an 80 hour urine test. He had an appt. with her this morning, but he hasn't mentioned what happened.

He has "deferred adjudication" for his first DUI, and the 2nd DUI is pending. He has paid fines and hired expensive attorneys. He spent the night in jail for each offense, but that's it so far. My husband was diligent about not drinking and driving for a while, but he is slowly going back to his old ways. I am afraid he will hurt or kill someone. I reiterated that to his probation officer. So, I can only hope that she can help as much as she is able. I appreciate your input.

CAPTAINZING2000

I went to see Trans Siberian Orchastra a week before Christmas. Wasn't great weather out. I asked my buddy if, he minded driving since, he had front wheel drive. I noticed his driving was erractic. We got to the exit to turn and I told him and he makes a sharp turn and we're sliding sideways on the interstate.

next week before, we have our Christmas party, he runs into a guard rail and totaled out his car and got a DUI.

I'm just glad, I wasn't with him on that one

The point I'm trying to make, be careful with you and the kids not to be riding with him if, you do suspect he's been drinking

Ceres

Does he have a few people in his life that he particularly respects & get's along with very well. A few individuals who he cares deeply for what they think of him?

A full blown intervention and the money that goes with it. Can perhaps be averted with a few of these types of people meeting him when he comes home from work for a "chat." There's probably intervention "tool" kits and tips online. You seem like an intelligent woman.

I imagine that he will get court ordered AA at the least. Here in Maryland, a second DUI is usually a breath blower installed on your vehicle. That you pay for.

CAPTAINZING2000

It's 1 and your done here in IL. since the first of last year.

Lucky is the person that, gets into AA before back problems. After his second DUI not sure how this goes from state to state and depending on what a person blows, alcohol classes are mandated as well.

An alcoholic has to become willing to admit he has a drinking problem. I could've had everyone I respected in life tell me but, I had to admit and accept before, I became sober.

coffeedrinker

she gives him notice of a ua? what is wrong with this picture?

ChildrenB4AW

An internvetion can be the first step to recovery, or the final "insult" to the A that turns a relationship abusive. Your daughters should not be subjected to this situation and neither should you. I would legally separate and then talk to his family about an intervention. They need to step up, but may be unwilling. He will still blame you, but it will be more difficult if his family is there. If they do agree, make sure that you have a trained interventionist and not someone that watched a few episodes on TLC!!!

Good luck

MeHandle

From what you wrote he knows. An intervention will tell him you know and are serious about following through.

jcr68

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm ALWAYS the designated driver. Fortunately, he has a two seater car, so we all can't ride with him. I told him, after him his first DWI, that the girls will NEVER ride in his car after he has been drinking. I'm very firm with that rule.

jcr68

I'd leave if I could financially afford to do it. Since my divorce, I'm trying to keep my daughters' life as "normal" as possible. I taught school for 9 years, but have been a stay-home-mom for 9 years. Unfortunately, I spent all my savings and retirement on legal fees for the first divorce, living expenses, and the down payment for our current home. So, basically, I'm broke. My family would help me, but it's too much to put on them. My husband, the alcoholic, "reminds" me quite often that he supports the girls and me. He always brings that up when I try to talk to him about his drinking. The girls go to a wonderful Catholic school with their cousins - they love it. I moved them away from their bio-dad to marry my husband and to be near my family. We have a nice house(not too nice -haha) with a pool, etc.... I'm torn with taking this all away from them, and just struggling/accepting through every drunken weekend. Is that selfish of me??

Ironically, if he gets a third DWI, he will probably trade his high paying executive job for a prison cell. I need to start putting applications in for the next school year.

CAPTAINZING2000

Wise decision on your part. Crossing my fingers it all works out for you !!