I just don't know where to begin.....
 

As you can tell, my user name is "IPROMISE." I chose this name because I hear that ALL THE TIME. I promise I won't do this anymore. I promise that I will be the man I need to be for you. I promise that we are going to live better lives from here on out. I am tired of the broken promises. I was supposed to get married last year. Glad I didn't.

A little background: I have been with this gentleman for 6 years. Living together for 4 of those 6 years. When we had moved in together, we would have the occasional glass of wine. Within a months time (and I am being serious here), he was at a bottle of wine either every night or every other night. Warning bells were going off and I didn't listen. Finally after a year I had asked him: When you were calling me late at night to tell me you loved me before we moved in....were you drunk? He admitted yes. Did I feel like someone sold me a bridge? You bet.

The drinking has graduated to just a bottle of wine, to a bottle of wine, a 40 oz or a 6 pack of beer - whatever alcohol he brings home either every other day, or every other 2 days. I have begged and pleaded with him to stop. My son has given me the ultimatum that if he can't stop drinking, he's leaving. Financially, would it kill me....yes, I won't lie. I only make so much money and in this economy....it could be devastating. Do I love my son...absolutely. I don't want him to leave. Although he is 19 - I am his soul support and where would he go?

I have told the man in my life several times in the past 6 months, that if he continues to drink I will ask him to leave. Although he understands that and truly does not want to lose me and vice versa. However, I don't know if I can hack much more. I went to a funeral today, and I was sitting there thinking to myself "What am I doing?" "Why am I wasting my time with this???" I received a text message from him 2 hours later saying "he was having a bad day." Hmmmm, so I texted him back messages of sobriety: specifically "slippery souls need sober shoes." He came back with some flippant comment about how the souls need "cold drinks." He knows I was so upset about this funeral....and I have been tense for the past 2 hours knowing that at 8PM he gets off work and I know what he is going to do.

I love this man so much, and I am convinced that without booze - he could be so much more. But I can't fix this...I have tried! Am I the bad guy for kicking him out after dealing with this for four years? Am I selfish to want "a normal" life? Now, I know that there is no such thing as normal....but, I think my son and I deserve to live in peace. I love this man so much and I think in the four years he has gone to AA twice total. What in the hell am I supposed to do?????

You need to accept him for who he is. If he wants to change, he will. No amount of begging, pleading, crying, screaming, manipulating or threatening will make a blind bit of difference. If he wants to drink he will do, regardless of what you do or say.

You are not selfish at all for wanting a normal and peaceful life. Unfortunately peaceful and normal don't go hand in hand with living with an alcoholic.

Of course without booze he could be so much more, I think most alcoholics could. But you're right, you can't fix him and he's not without booze, he is who he is today, with booze.

What do you think you're supposed to do? How can you get a normal and peaceful life for you and your son?

Welcome to the family IPROMISE!

You will find lots of support and information for yourself here. Glad you found us!

One of the first things I learned about alcoholism is the 3 C's:

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I won't cure it

I tried begging, pleading, bargaining, and just going crazy. I was the one with the problem, really! I kept accepting unacceptable behavior. When I finally began to accept the 3 C's, I was able to give the other adult in my relationship control of their own life. I had my own life to live.

I'm sorry you had a funeral to attend today. And now you are anticipating a drunk.

Can you go to another room? Seperate yourself from his behavior, mentally and physically. I would go to the back of the house and use the computer and spend time here at SR reading. I recommend the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this page! Wow, lots of wisdom there!

Keep coming back, we're here to support you!

I can relate to your post...I am so sorry you have to go through this.

When nothing changes, nothing changes. What do you think you should do?

I know how hard it is to "leave" because you feel like you're giving up completely on them and you feel like if make that choice it means you don't love them.

It's incredibly hard...especially since even when you think about what you need to do, you're torn because in a sense you loose because you love this person. But do you feel loved?

I know I didn't, even though I knew it was the disease that prohibited my A...and I kept justifying his behavior because of his "issues" but at some point its no longer a valid excuse. Did he even ask you about the funeral or offer you support? I hope so. Everyday is hard to not contact, but that's route I choose. Until I hear "I'm in recovery".....Its painful, either way I know.

Hang in there! We're all here for you. Maybe he will choose recovery. Maybe not...but its clear to me that you are in pain while he makes the choices he is making.

I just don't know where to begin.....
 

I want to thank everyone for their advice. This is so hard and I never envisioned myself at this place in my life. I love him so much, and in my first paragraph I was angry when I said I was glad I didn't marry him. I want to marry him big time, but not like this - I want him to be sober so badly. It really breaks my heart at times. I promised myself that I would not be that person that tolerates this ever. My grandmother did. She was married a second time to someone who was a raging alcoholic. She was so co dependent on that person...it was really sad. I think that I need to look in the mirror really hard to decide if that is the person that I want to be.

I will tell you that the Funeral really had me thinking. The mother of the son in law who passed away has been sober for over 13? years. She's coping. She's strong and she is my best friend and I respect her for staying sober every day. I just wish my gentleman could do the same.....

Yeah the success stories are amazing. I nanny for this great family and when I told the mother about my A, she told me she was an exA sober for 12 years. I never in a million years would have guessed! She's got a beautiful, stable, successful, life!

She said her recovery was a gift from God...when he decides to be sober. he will. But that's the hard part, lol.

ipromise, I'd encourage you to read around in the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. There are many relevant stories up there, including this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

The question is whether you want to devote any more of your time to waiting for him to become the kind of man YOU want. He appears to be the kind of man HE wants already, and does not want to do the hard work your sober friend has chosen to do.

Wishing you luck and peace :hug:

I can't offer you much advice but I can tell you you're not alone. Not by a long shot. Alcoholism is an awful thing. If they were terrible people, it would be easy to leave but it's just more complicated than that.

Welcome, Ipromise.

you probably already know this, but going to AA twice, or a hundred times, isn't the magic bullet. There is work that needs to be done, and stopping drinking is just the first part.

Do you attend alanon?

We understand

hello and welcome to SR
You say you love him, I dont doubt that but do you trust and respect him?

I hope you stick around and read and post here. It is a place of great understanding and support,

You deserve a peaceful life. And you deserve a happy marriage (This was one of the first things my counselor told me). And your son deserves a peaceful home. Now at 19, you are not obligated to give your son what he wants, but I really admire his detachment and his clear boundaries "If he moves in, I will be moving out." Wow. What is it that your son is reacting to?

Hi IPROMISE and :welcome to SR. This place is awesome and filled with awesomely supportive people. I'm glad you found us.

I love him so much, and in my first paragraph I was angry when I said I was glad I didn't marry him. I want to marry him big time, but not like this - I want him to be sober so badly.

Can I ask you this: Do you love your partner completely, as he is *right now*, drunkeness and all? Because who he is right now, today, is the only person he is willing to be. Nothing you do, say, think or feel can make him change. You are not that powerful!

The only thing you have power over is yourself. I know it totally sucks rocks to accept, but once you do, your perspective on things change. *You* can decide what you are willing to accept and what you are not.

I say this as a total codie myself, because I too wanted my x-husband to be sober, to be nicer, to be healthier, etc etc. I too tried to convince him, plead with him, BEG him, bargain with him, rage at him, manipulate him...nothing ever worked. I've left him and he still drinks. It's been about 4 months since I left and I still struggle daily with the notion that I simply do not have the power to MAKE anyone do anything, be they a family member, a friend or a coworker.

Keep posting!

Wow, I am so glad that I am not alone. I think I do need to seek out Al-Anon, I know that would be very helpful to me. Last night was day 3 without drinking. I was surprised, but I do know that there could be that trigger today, tomorrow etc. I think that this group will be of great help to me on those days where I feel the world is crashing in on my shoulders. Yes, I am going to read the stickys! ;) Hugs to all....

Hi I promise
Great reading:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Welcome!! life is more than seeing if someone else will drink or not. Its exhausting...