betterday

After I email my boyfriend's parents last Friday about his problem w alcohol and coca at college. I called sunday and he tell me that he will never want to talk to me again and hang up on me. I didn't contact him after that and did *not hear from him since.*
My purpose of doing that is hoping his can straight up a little w pressure from his parents.
But he hate me for that so much and break up w me!*
What should I do? Wait till he come around clean? Or should I at least let him know the reason behind this and I just try to help?*
I know no one can make him change beside himself. But ended a 2 years relationship in a bad note and makes him hate me forever is really hurting me...
Any suggestion? Please

Bernadette

Hi betterday--
You don't know that he will hate you forever.

He is angry right now. He has a right to be angry. Leave him to his reactions.

Obviously you knew you were going to get a reaction by telling his parents what you did. Maybe you didn't get the reaction you wanted, but you got a reaction!

Maybe take this time to focus on yourself. How are you planning on moving your life forward? The only person you can ever control in this world is yourself...he will do what he will do, it has nothing to do with you.

peace-
b

betterday

I do antispate the reaction I will get before hand. But should I at least let him know my purpose and tell him I still care about him and I'm not doing this to make his life miserable? I am afraid that he will not able to see my good intension. Maybe something like " give me a call when u r clean "?

MaryGoRound

I can understand how you feel betterday, I just tried to contact my A's family about a month ago, to no response. He wasn't mad this time...but I told him and his family that I am walking away to let him figure this out because he has a serious problem and that's all I can do. Then I was sick with the fact that hey may really think that I am walking away because I don't care enough. "You don't care, why would you leave?" -type thing. I expressed love in many of the best ways that I knew how..And after my final "I can't do this anymore, but don't think I don't care, cause I do." He did accuse me of not caring. Again.

So my advice is this: if you need to express to him that you are here for him when he is clean because you really do care about him. Do it. But don't expect it to sink in. Because it is convenient for them to have someone to blame and be pissed off at. In his sick state, he can't see how much you really do care. So say what you need to say, but don't get sucked in by the manipulation. Think of it as a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Stay strong. You did a good thing. And in time I can bet he'll see. In the mean time, focus on you. I know its been said many times over. But really...I've been trying like hell to do that because again, its all I can do. I've found that I am actually very sad myself and in the space that is left where A used to be, I see the lack of love I've given to myself all this time...

Hope that helps!

betterday

Wow, I feel they always try to find some one to **** at. Since we r not " the family", they do blam us for a lot of thing we didn't do. After the email there is no response from his parents and not to mention a simple" thanks". I feel so sad like there is this hole in my heart and been a bad person to cause them more problems.(he has a child on the way w another woman accidently).
I'm trying to get myself better, treat myself better...but deep in my heart I know he is sick and by doing so...I might fly away before he is able to get his head straight...can't help but have this betrayl guilt

GiveLove

betterday, this man has treated you very, very badly. I don't know if you can see that, in your pain, but we can.

You had good intentions telling his parents - you think it is best for him to get his drug problem under control.

But truly, he does not treat you with respect, nor with love. He has lied to you and done terrible things. I know it is hard for you to hear right now, but really, this is a very good thing that has happened (for you, perhaps also for him) in a disguise of a bad thing.

Let go of him. Let him make his own choices. And try to consider the freedom you now have to attract someone into your life who will treat you the way you deserve. It is hard, I know, but please do try.

What lovely thing will you do for YOU tomorrow? Something that you love, but which has nothing to do with him and all of his drama and stress and noise?

What do you love? What kind of life do you want to have? How can you step toward it?

betterday

To dear givelove,
deep in my heart, I know what u say is so true. But how did u know he treat my very very badly? How did u know he indeed has lied to me and done terrible Things? I am not question u at all but asking for the sign u see. Did u read my other post about the whole situation to decide that? I know it is right infront of me, but in my blind state right now, I will appreciate u point out the signs u see.
I am ready to let go but just want to make sure. Since I am such a bad person according
to him. Thanks for ur time, thank you!

stella27

betterday,
I know I came across as harsh in my first post to you, and I am sorry for being short with you.

You are a caring person concerned with loving and protecting and forgiving.
However, you appear to have been with somebody who is:
a drug user and dealer
a child - in age and mentality
an unfaithful boyfriend who is about to become a father
someone who doesn't appreciate you and your gifts

His family won't thank you because you have just opened up a big, ugly box of the truth to them and now they have to deal with what they have probably feared for some time. You will be cast as the bitter ex-girlfriend.

Wouldn't it be nice and peaceful if these people were out of your life so you can have some nice, pleasant days for a change?

I wish you the best.

FindingPeace1

I don't know if you have had an opportunity to read Codpendent No More by Melody Beattie, but it is VERY helpful.

We, as codependents, do two things with feelings and self-worth.

* We look to the other person to know how to feel and whether to love ourselves
* and we feel responsible for their feelings and self worth.

(I'm not just preaching! I do it, too! I am SO codie-natured!)

So your feeling of betrayal is your feeling RESPONSIBLE for HIS feelings.

You have already told him you loved him. You have done your part. Now HE is not wanting to believe it. That has NOTHING to do with you. You can let go the guilt because its not yours. Can you see that? If he is COMMITTED to feeling unloved, that's not your responsibility. (My husband does the exact same thing. He is sure that I am "picking on him" - meaning telling him I notice he's lying and hiding things - because I don't actually love him. I have already said I do - many times. If he, stubbornly, wants to believe I don't, I can't argue anymore.)

The other side is, you don't want him to be mad at you. It feels bad. But you are doing a healthy good thing, and a part of you knows that. So the bad feelings are because another (codependent) part of you wants HIM to tell you he loves you and is not mad at you so that YOU feel okay as a person.
You don't need him to love you to be okay. You can be okay and lovable and wonderful, even if he hates your guts. (Really! But you have to start telling YOURSELF that you are lovable and worthy and safe to fill in the hole left from expecting love from him.)

(I HATE that my husband is depressed and hurt. I want to fix it. Take his pain away. Make him feel better...and I HATE EVEN MORE when he says I am hurting him with my communication. I want to stop everything. Do anything he says. Make it better.

But how messed up is that? How crazy that my reasonable needs hurt him, so my needs go out the window and I baby him? What? What sense is there in that? I will give up MY life, MY rights, MY happiness, MY needs, respect for me - all because he is...what? More important than me?

So he gets to lie and hide and not communicate and I am BUSTING MY BUTT to accommodate him? Does that make any sense? Because I would move mountains for him; I love him so much. But I am going to contort myself while he doesn't treat me respectfully or lovingly? That's madness for you and me, babe and it's the point WE need to get help - not them.)

And back to your question, what to do next?
Leave him be. Work on MINDFULNESS - meaning try to observe your thoughts. Catch yourself obsessing on him and bring it back to you.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What am I going to do RIGHT NOW that would be good for me?
Think about getting a therapist.
Do some journaling.
Visit your local Alanon meeting.
Start getting YOUR head straight.

You deserve a loving, caring relationship. Not someone that abuses you like this.

Last thing, this post, written for you and YOUR situation, really helped me clarify mine. Thanks.

MaryGoRound

how are you feeling better?

Wife- isn't it great how writing it all out to someone else solidifies it all for you? And going to Al-anon and writing in here, you have the chance to learn from others because you see yourself in their stories. Its soooo great. I get excited to come on here an learn .

coffeedrinker

dear betterday,

#1. you have much information in your first post. having a boyfriend who sleeps with someone else is very, very painful. if he impregnates her, it is torture. no person on earth would say this is anything but treating you badly.

#2. he has taken your money and not felt an ounce of remorse, or has any plan to pay you back. this is treating you badly.

#3. he said, out of anger, he will never speak to you again. this is not a mature or respectful way to end a relationship. it is treating you badly.

#4. you would not be writing on this message board about him if he was treating you well.

you do have a big and generous heart. there are thousands of men in the world that you might, if you met up with them, fall in love with. as they say, many fish in the sea. please, please, throw this one back. grieve the loss, then get yourself a couple of real friends. make your own family right where you are. it will help to fill your heart.

betterday

any one read the book " the woman who love too much"? It point out we are battleing our own form of alcoholism by loving too much as our loved alcoholic parterner. They are sick and we r in our own battle also. Sad! I though it's a good book though!
Dear coffee drinker, I agree w what u point out. Unfortunaly, he got that girl pregnate while we break up the past summer for 2 month, he told me " see what I got by trying to get over you when we were breaking up"...during that time, I told him I will waiting for him... Guess he is thinking I will do the same this time around...
I'm

suki44883

he told me " see what I got by trying to get over you when we were breaking up"

They're so good at the blame game. Yeah, because he was trying to get over you, he couldn't keep his pants on. LOL! They're beautiful!!

Jadmack25

Honey, I would get on my knees and thank God for being free of such a unloving, blaming and thankless relationship.

God bless

betterday

Yea, I do feel free of this relationship is what I need, but it hurts no matter what! The truth is - for the past month,I have been telling him if he ever show up at my door again I will call the cops, and he break in twice when I'm sleeping...I did let him stay after that and hope thing getting better. I don't want him end up in jail because of that, so I email his parents knowing he will be so angry and break up w me. Guess best for him( not in jail) and best for me.
I do have a tendency of asking him back though...cross my fingers for not doing that again( he probabaly is counting on that)and hopeing he will not try to make contact after he is broke again, it's hard to reject. Calling the police is so not nice after all I do care about him. That why we are all here

Learn2Live

betterday, I think you were DONE with that guy a LONG time ago but you're just having a hard time letting go. I've done that so many times too! I think you see in your mind ALL the reasons why you don't want to be with him, but you're not sure what to do with your self, your life, and your time once you've gotten rid of him. So that when he does try to come back, you just say, "Okay," try to change your focus onto YOU and YOUR life and what YOU want to do, OTHER THAN be with some guy, or what you want to do with some guy, so that next time he tries to come back, you'll already be busy