Anyone experience this?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Anyone experience this?
Hi!
This is my first post. I have two of the Getting Them Sober books and these have been very helpful. I read the first one--"Getting Them Sober, Vol. 1"-- again last night from cover to cover. It is amazing how much I get out of these books reading them more than once. Something new ALWAYS kicks into my brain. Thank Goodness!!
Anyway, I have an issue that I am not sure how to respond to. Well, there are probably several, but this one is the most urgent for me right now. I can never have even a short discussion with my AH because he constantly interrupts. He says he is just interjecting and that is what conversation is. What is ironic is that when I "interject" while he is speaking, he goes off.
I haven't figured out the appropriate response. I've refused to continue the discussion and he gets mad, yells, goes to bed or gives me the silent treatment. I've let him interrupt and then when he wants me to continue, I've said, "I forgot what I was saying." I have also tried to explain (which I already know explaining just feeds them more ammo). I've also just held it in and not tried to speak to him. Grrrr!
It is SOOOO frustrating because I would like to be able to hold some type of conversation with the man. I get so tired of listening to him and not being able to add to the conversation and/or get the ugly reaction if I ask a question (like how stupid). Guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader. I just can't communicate with him at all.
Anyone have a similar problem? Anything work for you?
Thanks,
Neese
This is my first post. I have two of the Getting Them Sober books and these have been very helpful. I read the first one--"Getting Them Sober, Vol. 1"-- again last night from cover to cover. It is amazing how much I get out of these books reading them more than once. Something new ALWAYS kicks into my brain. Thank Goodness!!
Anyway, I have an issue that I am not sure how to respond to. Well, there are probably several, but this one is the most urgent for me right now. I can never have even a short discussion with my AH because he constantly interrupts. He says he is just interjecting and that is what conversation is. What is ironic is that when I "interject" while he is speaking, he goes off.
I haven't figured out the appropriate response. I've refused to continue the discussion and he gets mad, yells, goes to bed or gives me the silent treatment. I've let him interrupt and then when he wants me to continue, I've said, "I forgot what I was saying." I have also tried to explain (which I already know explaining just feeds them more ammo). I've also just held it in and not tried to speak to him. Grrrr!
It is SOOOO frustrating because I would like to be able to hold some type of conversation with the man. I get so tired of listening to him and not being able to add to the conversation and/or get the ugly reaction if I ask a question (like how stupid). Guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader. I just can't communicate with him at all.
Anyone have a similar problem? Anything work for you?
Thanks,
Neese
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
LOL! I feel you!
Ready for a response that is NOT what you are looking for?
He IS an interrupter.
Could be a bad habit, could be he doesn't want to hear what you have to say.
Can't change it.
If it bugs you, it is TOTALLY reasonable to say, "In future conversations, if you interrupt, I will stop talking" like you practiced before. That's a good boundary for you.
If he does whatever he does, that is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
It would be totally expected for him to freak out because you are changing YOUR behavior and taking control for YOURSELF (yay!).
Then your work is to LET GO of his reaction. He gets to have it.
Don't let it get to you; expect it. Hold on to yourself and know you are caring for you.
You know, when a newcomer posts and people reply with the 3 c's of addiction:
You did not cause this.
You can not change this.
You can not control this,
I forget that its not JUST about alcoholism, its about EVERYTHING.
So with your SO its about interrupting. With mine, its about shutting down and not talking.
The same rules still apply.
We can't get them to change.
What are WE going to do to take care of US?
w
Ready for a response that is NOT what you are looking for?
He IS an interrupter.
Could be a bad habit, could be he doesn't want to hear what you have to say.
Can't change it.
If it bugs you, it is TOTALLY reasonable to say, "In future conversations, if you interrupt, I will stop talking" like you practiced before. That's a good boundary for you.
If he does whatever he does, that is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
It would be totally expected for him to freak out because you are changing YOUR behavior and taking control for YOURSELF (yay!).
Then your work is to LET GO of his reaction. He gets to have it.
Don't let it get to you; expect it. Hold on to yourself and know you are caring for you.
You know, when a newcomer posts and people reply with the 3 c's of addiction:
You did not cause this.
You can not change this.
You can not control this,
I forget that its not JUST about alcoholism, its about EVERYTHING.
So with your SO its about interrupting. With mine, its about shutting down and not talking.
The same rules still apply.
We can't get them to change.
What are WE going to do to take care of US?
w
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
Is he sober or drunk when you're talking to him? Its a lesson I had to learn over and over again - if my AH has been drinking, I might as well not even bother having a conversation with him as it usually ends with me being both angry and frustrated. Plus, he rarely remembers the conversation later. He also interrupts me and when I tell him to stop, I'm being "mean".
The only thing that works for me is to "catch him" sober. I could start writing now about all the ludicrous conversations I've attempted to have with him, and I'd still be writing by the end of next week. Like, me asking him if there was any liquor in the house, him denying it, then me showing him the full bottle of vodka I just found - and then when I accuse him of lying to me him telling me, I kid you not, "but I admitted it, I didn't deny it" - Yeah but only because I found it! I sometimes feel like beating my head against the wall.
The only thing that works for me is to "catch him" sober. I could start writing now about all the ludicrous conversations I've attempted to have with him, and I'd still be writing by the end of next week. Like, me asking him if there was any liquor in the house, him denying it, then me showing him the full bottle of vodka I just found - and then when I accuse him of lying to me him telling me, I kid you not, "but I admitted it, I didn't deny it" - Yeah but only because I found it! I sometimes feel like beating my head against the wall.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by puckettcg 
The only thing that works for me is to "catch him" sober. I could start writing now about all the ludicrous conversations I've attempted to have with him, and I'd still be writing by the end of next week. Like, me asking him if there was any liquor in the house, him denying it, then me showing him the full bottle of vodka I just found - and then when I accuse him of lying to me him telling me, I kid you not, "but I admitted it, I didn't deny it" - Yeah but only because I found it! I sometimes feel like beating my head against the wall.
Oh my GOD, that pisses me off!
No use talking to crazy.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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OMG, you guys are giving me major flashbacks. I thought if only he would LISTEN to me, he would see how ridiculous and unreasonable he was. When that didn't work, I resorted to physical evidence. I printed bank statements showing how much he spent at the liquor store, I videotaped him staggering and slurring, I photographed him passed out on the floor. Surely THESE things would PROVE my case.
The only thing it proved was that I was just as crazy as he was! WHEW! I am so glad I let go of that power struggle.
L
The only thing it proved was that I was just as crazy as he was! WHEW! I am so glad I let go of that power struggle.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I was in many half a$$ed attempts to have a serious conversation with my guy. usually I'd set the serotonin to work by feeding him a great spaghetti dinner, then chocolate cake for desert. After about 20 minutes into digestion, I approach whatever it is I want to address. When he would interrupt me, I would put my hand up and say, "I appreciate that, hold that thought, when I'm finished I'll listen to you". When that didn't work, I just let'em spew then walk away. I ran out of energy trying to communicate with an alcoholic/addict/with mental illness. Choose your battles wisely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Wifeofadrinker, you have such wisdom. Thank you for reminding me.
Puckettcg, my AH is a daily drinker so I'm not sure I've seen him sober in years.
Glad to hear I'm not the only one with this problem. It helps to know how others have handled it.
Personally, I'm starting to believe we are all married to the same guy! Could it be the devil? lol
Puckettcg, my AH is a daily drinker so I'm not sure I've seen him sober in years.
Glad to hear I'm not the only one with this problem. It helps to know how others have handled it.
Personally, I'm starting to believe we are all married to the same guy! Could it be the devil? lol
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Well it seems that having a serious conversation is difficult. It brings flashbacks to me as well! In time I learned to keep whatever needing to be said short and concrete - and I set boundaries. I warned him that I would not continue a conversation if he talked over me, started the blame game, or getting tangential (and/or I felt my tempature rising).
I think AS respond well to limit setting, we often don't like their response- at least that was true for me.Biggest issue is often that we are trying to change the other's viewpoint instead of accepting that they either don't agree or think differently from us. Keep talking to us.
I think AS respond well to limit setting, we often don't like their response- at least that was true for me.Biggest issue is often that we are trying to change the other's viewpoint instead of accepting that they either don't agree or think differently from us. Keep talking to us.
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Originally Posted by Neese
Well, there are probably several, but this one is the most urgent for me right now. I can never have even a short discussion with my AH because he constantly interrupts. He says he is just interjecting and that is what conversation is. What is ironic is that when I "interject" while he is speaking, he goes off.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Have you thought about couples counseling? My counselor says that 3/4 of his client load is simply teaching married couples how to communicate with respect, not interrupt, fight fairly, etc. He claims it's a skillset that can easily be learned.....if people want to learn. That's a big IF, and only you know the answer to that.
Is he sober or drunk when you're trying to talk to him?
Does he/did he EVER listen, or is this just the way he is? Is this how he is with everyone else in his life too?
Is he sober or drunk when you're trying to talk to him?
Does he/did he EVER listen, or is this just the way he is? Is this how he is with everyone else in his life too?
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"... I have an issue...me right now. I can never have even a short discussion with my AH because he constantly interrupts. He says he is just interjecting and that is what conversation is. What is ironic is that when I "interject" while he is speaking, he goes off...
"...AH is a daily drinker so I'm not sure I've seen him sober in years..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wasn't sure in which order to post these two statments, so, I just posted them in the order they appeared in this thread.
What I see is the second statement (daily drinker...etc.) being the answer to the original question. One can NEVER have a decent conversation with a 'non-sober' person; nope, just ain't gonna happen.
I sometimes think there should be an addendum to the "three c's" ......: you didn't CAUSE it; you can't CONTROL it; you can't CURE it; and you can't CONVERSATE with it...... (LOLOL)
NoelleR
"...AH is a daily drinker so I'm not sure I've seen him sober in years..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wasn't sure in which order to post these two statments, so, I just posted them in the order they appeared in this thread.
What I see is the second statement (daily drinker...etc.) being the answer to the original question. One can NEVER have a decent conversation with a 'non-sober' person; nope, just ain't gonna happen.
I sometimes think there should be an addendum to the "three c's" ......: you didn't CAUSE it; you can't CONTROL it; you can't CURE it; and you can't CONVERSATE with it...... (LOLOL)
NoelleR
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Originally Posted by NoelleR
I sometimes think there should be an addendum to the "three c's" ......: you didn't CAUSE it; you can't CONTROL it; you can't CURE it; and you can't CONVERSATE with it...... (LOLOL)
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Location: North Carolina
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I know how maddening it is to feel like you're not being heard. I also "forgot what I was saying" after actively listening to his ramblings for sooooo long.
"If you interrupt me, I will not continue this conversation" worked sometimes, sometimes not. The "not" was that, I still wasn't being heard.
I've learned there's no sense in me trying to reason with my AH. So, I write in my journal. Sometimes I write it as if it's a letter to him saying ALLLLLL the things I want to say, sometimes I just write about another subject...
If I've written the "Letter to my AH" format, I burn it after I've written it. 1) There will never be a chance he'll come across it & revisit the anger, 2) Burning is symbolic to me of "Let Go"
"If you interrupt me, I will not continue this conversation" worked sometimes, sometimes not. The "not" was that, I still wasn't being heard.
I've learned there's no sense in me trying to reason with my AH. So, I write in my journal. Sometimes I write it as if it's a letter to him saying ALLLLLL the things I want to say, sometimes I just write about another subject...
If I've written the "Letter to my AH" format, I burn it after I've written it. 1) There will never be a chance he'll come across it & revisit the anger, 2) Burning is symbolic to me of "Let Go"
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Originally Posted by NoelleR
"...AH is a daily drinker so I'm not sure I've seen him sober in years..."
I lived for many years with an active alcoholic who thought that lecturing and interrupting was a perfectly legitimate form of conversation. (unless I did it)
That's not a situation I would choose to be in any more....but that's not advice, just a statement of fact. Heck, I can't even hang around friends/acquaintances who do that nowadays. I think it's disrespectful and irritating.
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Well, as for the couples counseling for communication.....been there. They gave us an imaginary rock to hold while one was talking. It could then be transferred to the other person when it was their turn to talk. All I can say, is thank God it was imaginary or I'd be in prison. lol
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Posts: 1,175
It seems like the double standard stands true across the board with the As, but, especially when it come to being civil. Mine is unbelievably rude in conversation, and if I play ball the way he does, he scorns me: I am a "horrible cur and a b*tch". But, HE is just trying to make a point...
Here are some other pronounced hypocrisies and double standards that I have noticed in my A:
He can drink every day or night until passing out, but, if I go out with friends once every two weeks (or months, or 4x a month, or whatever), I have a drinking problem. Mine even expected me to refrain from social drinking entirely, because it made him "uncomfortable", He would argue this while drunk, and while drinking.
He can be a neglectful father, seeing our son one or two of four available Saturdays each month, but, if I express being tired of mommy time, or I express needing a break, I am "always trying to get out of being a mom" or "I know he(our son) is a big burden on your important life..."
He drives drunk, but abhors others who may do that. Anyone. You see, anytime HE does it, it is a necessity, but these other people are just "wreckless" and "careless"..
Some As that have been drinking for a long time actually have some measure of brain damage, and so common, daily interactions with them can feel like a visit to the asylum.
Mine is like this. He does not remember 1/2 of our interactions, will confess things to me,or share things with me, then later accuse me of "spying" for knowing that very information that he revealed.
I am always wondering,"Does he KNOW that he is being fragmented and nuts? Or does he do this on purpose?" Then I remember that some parts of his brain are swiss cheese, and even if they were not, imagine how hard it would be to operate if you consumed as much alcohol as they do!! If I drink a lot one night, I am down for the count to at least some degree the next day, if only for the morning...I don't drink a lot often, but he does it every day. I just can't imagine how they manage to keep jobs and things like that.
Here are some other pronounced hypocrisies and double standards that I have noticed in my A:
He can drink every day or night until passing out, but, if I go out with friends once every two weeks (or months, or 4x a month, or whatever), I have a drinking problem. Mine even expected me to refrain from social drinking entirely, because it made him "uncomfortable", He would argue this while drunk, and while drinking.
He can be a neglectful father, seeing our son one or two of four available Saturdays each month, but, if I express being tired of mommy time, or I express needing a break, I am "always trying to get out of being a mom" or "I know he(our son) is a big burden on your important life..."
He drives drunk, but abhors others who may do that. Anyone. You see, anytime HE does it, it is a necessity, but these other people are just "wreckless" and "careless"..
Some As that have been drinking for a long time actually have some measure of brain damage, and so common, daily interactions with them can feel like a visit to the asylum.
Mine is like this. He does not remember 1/2 of our interactions, will confess things to me,or share things with me, then later accuse me of "spying" for knowing that very information that he revealed.
I am always wondering,"Does he KNOW that he is being fragmented and nuts? Or does he do this on purpose?" Then I remember that some parts of his brain are swiss cheese, and even if they were not, imagine how hard it would be to operate if you consumed as much alcohol as they do!! If I drink a lot one night, I am down for the count to at least some degree the next day, if only for the morning...I don't drink a lot often, but he does it every day. I just can't imagine how they manage to keep jobs and things like that.
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25
OH... MY... GOD !!!!
Neese is right.
They are all CLONES of the same man.......AHHHHHH!!!
Neese is right.
They are all CLONES of the same man.......AHHHHHH!!!
jadmack, you are such a riot :rotfxko
neese, i wish i had something constructive to say. you have even been to counseling and it didn't help - he is a child. it sounds like there is some rage going on.
sorry
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