bad night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
bad night
i am in a black hole tonite.
late last night we found out that my alcholic uncle murdered my aunt. they said it was a botched murder-suicide. well, only half botched. he managed to get the pills down her throat and a bag over her head, but didn't quite finish himself off. bastard.
i can't begin to describe what i feel like right now and how sad and angry and afraid i am.
of course, my A called today to check in and what do i do? i tell him all about the above then proceed to bleed all over him several times today about my pain, my fear, my shattered dreams, how much i still love him and want him to get well, blah blah blah. by the last call, i could tell that he was getting off on me feeling bad and weak. i feel sicker than ever.
i was feeling so strong after setting some boundaries the last couple of days. i had a great session with my temp sponsor yesterday and felt like i had made a big step forward.
i am so sad for my mom and the rest of my family. i am so scared. i don't want to end up like my aunt. spending years covering up and drowning and losing herself and then suffocating with a bag over her head at the hands of the man she was supposed to be able to trust.
late last night we found out that my alcholic uncle murdered my aunt. they said it was a botched murder-suicide. well, only half botched. he managed to get the pills down her throat and a bag over her head, but didn't quite finish himself off. bastard.
i can't begin to describe what i feel like right now and how sad and angry and afraid i am.
of course, my A called today to check in and what do i do? i tell him all about the above then proceed to bleed all over him several times today about my pain, my fear, my shattered dreams, how much i still love him and want him to get well, blah blah blah. by the last call, i could tell that he was getting off on me feeling bad and weak. i feel sicker than ever.
i was feeling so strong after setting some boundaries the last couple of days. i had a great session with my temp sponsor yesterday and felt like i had made a big step forward.
i am so sad for my mom and the rest of my family. i am so scared. i don't want to end up like my aunt. spending years covering up and drowning and losing herself and then suffocating with a bag over her head at the hands of the man she was supposed to be able to trust.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
((((((((Insane)))))))) I am so very sorry to hear this - I can only imagine the pain you and your family must be feeling right now. It's a terrible tragedy and my heart goes out to you. Please know that I will keep you and yours in my prayers, and do keep reaching out here for all the support you need - we are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
i woke up at 6am crying. started crying right out of my sleep.
when i went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror i saw my aunt's face...well actually a photo taht had been taken of her years ago that i had always liked. she was so beautiful.
my A said that while he understands why i am in so much pain and have so much fear and anger, why can't i add to the equation that he is doing everything he can by working his program and engaging in deep therapy so he can try to get well.
i don't know. i guess because i've been here before and i don't want to be here anymore and i want to be able to be with him and be sane but i can't and i don't know if i'll ever get this alanon stuff and get well myself.
when i went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror i saw my aunt's face...well actually a photo taht had been taken of her years ago that i had always liked. she was so beautiful.
my A said that while he understands why i am in so much pain and have so much fear and anger, why can't i add to the equation that he is doing everything he can by working his program and engaging in deep therapy so he can try to get well.
i don't know. i guess because i've been here before and i don't want to be here anymore and i want to be able to be with him and be sane but i can't and i don't know if i'll ever get this alanon stuff and get well myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: vinton, la
Posts: 38
Hang in there insane. You just found out some disturbing news. I am new here and am not the best person to give advice but you are going to be okay. I am sorry to hear about your aunt. It is very scary to think you could end up that way. I know it gave me a jolt.
Just hold strong to those boundries you have set. You are doing well. I wish I was more like you. Don't let your A make you feel worse during this time. I am finding out more and more how selfish they are. You are hurting and he wants you to see how good he has been and understand his pain. Take care of yourself and God Bless. I will keep you and Your family in my prayers tonight.
Just hold strong to those boundries you have set. You are doing well. I wish I was more like you. Don't let your A make you feel worse during this time. I am finding out more and more how selfish they are. You are hurting and he wants you to see how good he has been and understand his pain. Take care of yourself and God Bless. I will keep you and Your family in my prayers tonight.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((((((insane))))))))))))
I am so sorry, insane, I can't make it go away but I can give you
Love and prayers from one who cares.....
To get the Al-Anon program, keep coming back.......
I am so sorry, insane, I can't make it go away but I can give you
Love and prayers from one who cares.....
To get the Al-Anon program, keep coming back.......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
((((((insane)))))))
You are nothing like your screen name...even though it feels like that at times...especically during this tragedy. I'm praying for you and your family.
When something like this happens, it hits close to home for many of us. I will keep you in my thoughts and say special prayers for HP to wrap you in warmth, love and comfort.
Many hugs to you...
Sarah
You are nothing like your screen name...even though it feels like that at times...especically during this tragedy. I'm praying for you and your family.
When something like this happens, it hits close to home for many of us. I will keep you in my thoughts and say special prayers for HP to wrap you in warmth, love and comfort.
Many hugs to you...
Sarah
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
thank you.
i am better this morning. i am just breathing very consciously and saying the serenity prayer and the jesus prayer (a prayer we use for worship in my church) over and over and i'm just being with my daughter. looking at her and smelling her sweaty head and playing with her and letting her really be with me. because i haven't been..i've been up in my head obsessing and worrying about things that i have no control over and i never ever will.
and this morning, i'm telling myself its ok that i love my A and to wish that things could be different and even that i hope they will be different sometime. he wishes i could be with him through this, but i don't know how to take good care of myself and be with him at the same time. maybe sometime i will. in the meantime, i'm just trying to remember he's sick, praying for him, and trying hard - at least for today - to keep my boundaries. i don't have to be mean. i don't want to be mean. but i don't want to hurt myself anymore.
the thing with my aunt is a horrible mess. no funeral home will take her because theres a gross criminal investigation involved. my uncle is saying it was a mercy killing because she had alzheimers and he just got diagnosed with leukemia. i don't believe his diagnosis and my aunt had only very early short term memory loss....thats it. she was still driving, singing in the choir at church, and very active with her sisters and family. he had no right to do what he did. he was drunk, as always, i'm sure. my cousin is a mess because my uncle called him to go over their will (he's a lawyer) the day before all this happened, then my cousin was the one who was called to the crime scene, etc etc etc
my mom is crying and has pictures of my aunt all over. i'm trying to comfort her and then stepping back when i feel like i need a break from it all.
i went to a meeting yesterday and will go this afternoon. i'm doing better this morning.
i am better this morning. i am just breathing very consciously and saying the serenity prayer and the jesus prayer (a prayer we use for worship in my church) over and over and i'm just being with my daughter. looking at her and smelling her sweaty head and playing with her and letting her really be with me. because i haven't been..i've been up in my head obsessing and worrying about things that i have no control over and i never ever will.
and this morning, i'm telling myself its ok that i love my A and to wish that things could be different and even that i hope they will be different sometime. he wishes i could be with him through this, but i don't know how to take good care of myself and be with him at the same time. maybe sometime i will. in the meantime, i'm just trying to remember he's sick, praying for him, and trying hard - at least for today - to keep my boundaries. i don't have to be mean. i don't want to be mean. but i don't want to hurt myself anymore.
the thing with my aunt is a horrible mess. no funeral home will take her because theres a gross criminal investigation involved. my uncle is saying it was a mercy killing because she had alzheimers and he just got diagnosed with leukemia. i don't believe his diagnosis and my aunt had only very early short term memory loss....thats it. she was still driving, singing in the choir at church, and very active with her sisters and family. he had no right to do what he did. he was drunk, as always, i'm sure. my cousin is a mess because my uncle called him to go over their will (he's a lawyer) the day before all this happened, then my cousin was the one who was called to the crime scene, etc etc etc
my mom is crying and has pictures of my aunt all over. i'm trying to comfort her and then stepping back when i feel like i need a break from it all.
i went to a meeting yesterday and will go this afternoon. i'm doing better this morning.
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
You are going through a terrible ordeal, and nothing you did or said at first counts. Start from today. Or even a week from now. Do what you have to do, and if talking with him isn't helpful, you don't owe him any explanation, but you could say something like, thank you for your concern, I don't want to talk right now - or I need some time to myself. Just thank you, and get off the phone. The less you say, the less conflicted it will all be. You just can't take the time to deal with it, until you get through the family troubles.
You could look at it the best way, maybe he was concerned for you and offered what he could, it just wasn't much.
Be soooooo gentle with yourself right now. And don't bother with anything that makes you feel worse. If you make a mistake, so what, you can fix it later.
You could look at it the best way, maybe he was concerned for you and offered what he could, it just wasn't much.
Be soooooo gentle with yourself right now. And don't bother with anything that makes you feel worse. If you make a mistake, so what, you can fix it later.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
From what am reading right now you guys are physically separated though still in a relationship?
You are going to Alanon. Are you seeing a counsellor too? Maybe one from a women's shelter or something. Sometimes they counsel or put people intouch with a counsellor that is not too expensive yet still effective.
You have your daughter, and hope for the future regardless of what the husband does and hopefully, eventually you will see that.
Sounds like you are sort of in a circus at the momment. Or just through one, rather. And shock, anger, sadness, all sorts of emotions are bound to come about. Yet, it appears you are doing all that you can do. Meetings and time with your daughter and praying.
When crisis hits that 3rd step prayer is always so good. Know how when we first come in we sort of have to remind ourselves to give things over to God every minute or two? Then, slowly we get to the daily thing and things seem to go good. This sounds like a time to be saying that prayer every minute or so.
There have been times in my life where I think I am looking through a mirror at what could happen. Sort of like the ghosts from Ebenezer Scrouge -- um "the Christmas Carol" or whatever its called. But the future doesn't have to turn out that way and likely won't because you ARE doing what you can do to change yourself.
Your husband can only do his part and you can only do yours. Keep solid in your own recovery and soon, this will simply be an experience that you can use to help someone else with. Focus on yourself and your behavior each minute and leave the future up to your Higher Power.
My prayers be with you.
You are going to Alanon. Are you seeing a counsellor too? Maybe one from a women's shelter or something. Sometimes they counsel or put people intouch with a counsellor that is not too expensive yet still effective.
You have your daughter, and hope for the future regardless of what the husband does and hopefully, eventually you will see that.
Sounds like you are sort of in a circus at the momment. Or just through one, rather. And shock, anger, sadness, all sorts of emotions are bound to come about. Yet, it appears you are doing all that you can do. Meetings and time with your daughter and praying.
When crisis hits that 3rd step prayer is always so good. Know how when we first come in we sort of have to remind ourselves to give things over to God every minute or two? Then, slowly we get to the daily thing and things seem to go good. This sounds like a time to be saying that prayer every minute or so.
There have been times in my life where I think I am looking through a mirror at what could happen. Sort of like the ghosts from Ebenezer Scrouge -- um "the Christmas Carol" or whatever its called. But the future doesn't have to turn out that way and likely won't because you ARE doing what you can do to change yourself.
Your husband can only do his part and you can only do yours. Keep solid in your own recovery and soon, this will simply be an experience that you can use to help someone else with. Focus on yourself and your behavior each minute and leave the future up to your Higher Power.
My prayers be with you.
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