mystolenshoes

Hi there, I'm here from time to time so here's a short summary:was with an exabf for 3 years. moved from east coast to west coast with him, things got REALLY bad, last july i gave up on him and came back home to the east coast. he is doing well in his recovery, and stayd sober, and we are distant friends at best - maybe a couple or two a month to say hi.

Anyway sometimes my current life seems so stressful, i always wondered what would have happened if i stayed? My and ex and I have both said he wouldn't have gotten sober ever if I stayed (very co-dependent etc). I'm 25 and this is my first time living on my own - was so proud to get my old east coast job back, have my own apt to myself etc etc. It just feels so hard and lonely sometimes Id just give anything to sit next to him eating dinner on the couch even if he is drunk. I know thats terrible to think.

I really close friend of mine is struggling with a narcotics addiction. I lived with him and his gf briefly, but it was hell on earth watching them be codependent and slowly cut out all other friends and fam. since then ive learned from several sources that this close friend of mine did nothing but talk badly of me and tell people my personal problems for the past 3 years. Even my exabf says I need this friend out of my life. I think I do too. I find it really hard to be around addicts of any kind, and to see people I know in severely codependent relationships - even if there is no addiction present. Does anyone else have this knee jerk reaction? I'm just trying to only keep healthy people in my life. But am I being too harsh? This friend helped me through a lot of rough times with my exabf, he was there on the phone for me, drove back across the country, it just feels like a HUGE betrayal to find out everything he has said to me. but part of me is like, well he's an addict too, so I can't trust him anyway.

it's really hard because we have a lot of mutual friends. what do you guys do if you have friends who are addicts and you try to separate yourself but still have mutual friends? Am i wrong for trying to separate myself? I'm just really confused and torn.

Kassie2

I think if you read the sticky's at the top of the forum on detachment and boundary setting it will help you sort out what you want to do.

freya

First off, I have certain friends and family members to whom I pretty much tell anything and eveything -- for me that's not only necessary for my mental health and problem solving, but it's also what real friendship is about. I can tell them everything and work through anything with them and they can do the same with me.

As far as more "acquaintance"-like people go, I think really all I need to say, if I don't want to -- or can't out of respect for the other people involved --get into all the nitty-gritty details, is "That relatioship just isn't/wasn't working for me and I need to take a break from it." If the person pursues the question -- which some people will just because they are nosey -- depending on how I feel about it and about them, I might say: "Well, so-and-so isn't in a good place right now and it was just too hard for me to be around him/her," or "It's sad/hard and I really don't want to talk about it."

As far as maybe being worried about whatever addict BS he might have said about you behind your back, I always take the attitude -- and advise people who ask me -- just go about my business and my life the way I always do and anyone whose good opinion is worth having is giong to be able to figure out pretty quickly what's what and who's who and what the real deal is in the situation.

Anyone who can't or anyone who chooses to believe BS just for its gossip and excitment value, well, what can I say except for that I find, long term, that it's actually a good thing to have the opportunity "to separate the wheat from the chaff," even when it comes to "friendships!"

freya