Kittyboo

This is more of a topic thread for me...atleast that's what I am thinking

I posted a while ago how my XA messaged me "apologizing for everything" and wanted to be friends......
So after a few days I did tell him that I didn't think that was possible, that i'm still hurt, and I just don't see that I will ever be able to believe what he says to me...but I was open to hearing what he had to say.

Well, needless to say I never heard from him again. But he has once again started to display passive aggressive behavior. Like all of a sudden making one of his photo albums viewable on facebook (yes, just this one..which is just obvious), but it's of him and his gf at his families ranch. The signifigance of that is that they were pics of them doing the things that he talked about doing with me. It was a direct attempt to hurt me. No, i'm not reading too much into it. He has also done some other things ...but I won't bore you. I have given him no response.

Soooooo.....since I am not playing this weird game he is obviously still playing, I blocked him. I don't need or care to see what is going on in his life, or what he obviously wants me to see. I'm literally just so tired of it all.

I find this behavior odd....though I shouldn't! But odd in the fact that first he wants to repair a friendship, and now he's trying to not just get a reaction, but a negative one.

Do you guys deal with passive aggressive behavior? Is it common with your spouses, or was it? My XA had done a few passive aggressive things when we were talking, but it's a trait and a manipulation I am very keen to now.
Just curious.

(I will say, I'm not posting this so that anyone will ask why I went and looked at his page..... yes, I looked, i've looked before...no big deal to me. But this change was obvious and lead me to want your opinions on passive aggressive behavior)

Live

Trying to punish you and make you jealous? Is that what he is doing?
That is what my XABF would have been up to....or, more accurately, did do several, many times.
I think the longer I am away from it, the more I am confused by it again...just not used to such anymore.

Kittyboo

I think the obvious deduction would be that he's trying to make me jealous and punish me. Punish me for telling him I didn't think friendship was possible.....make me jealous because I told him I am still hurt....?.....
I mean it really all seems so transparent. But the push and pull behavior is I suppose common.

He's done and said stuff in the past to try and make me jealous. So he definitely has that in him.
But for someone who was trying to come across as "sincere" with his "apology", this is just one of those things that makes you say hmmmmmmmm.

What I am grateful for is that I am well aware that this is a manipulation and I am not playing into it.
"The only way to win is not to play the game" - gotta love WarGames.

Jadmack25

You obviously hit a nerve in saying "no Thanks" to his friendship request.
He is not capable of taking it as your right to say no to him, so "you are going to pay for that, and I will make you jealous of me and regret losing me."

Recognizing his behaviour for what it was, plain and simple 'tit for an imagined tat', and getting his nappy in a twist, helps you see how insincere he still is. It is still all about him.

Well, if he is cheerfully imagining you looking at his FB, bawling your eyes out and back in Miseryland, he is mistaken isn't he?
You have grown in self respect, learned who you are and what you need for happiness, and HE is totally unnecessary and redundant in your life.
He on the other hand has stayed stuck, and is trying to use you to fill his need for whatever....... gratification, vindication maybe.....or just because he's a jerk.

Keep erasing him from your thoughts til he just fades away, like a once bad nightmare.
God bless

stella27

I agree with Jadmack. He's not going to be able to bait and hook you, is he? You are smarter than that. And the older I get and the more I go through all this stuff with my stbxAH and others, the more I am learning what real friendship is - and I don't want it with him. And that girlfriend - she better look out because when they're finished riding horses or fishing or climbing trees or whatever, he is going to make her pay for daring to love him.

You should just look at that album and think to yourself: "Isn't that sweet? It's the honeymoon stage where he sucks her in before buckling her into the rollercoaster car."

transformyself

Girl, my AH wrote the book on PA behavoir. As long as I was in a relationship wtih him, it was CRAZY making stuff.

This site helped me immensly, it's called something like Getting The Angries Out or something like that and it details any and everything you'd like to know about it. I also read the book about Living with the PA Man, jesus what an eye opener that was.

AND I found a website that gave me the magic words to be able to leave him. I think it was called how to leave your passive aggressive husband or something obvious like that.
I AM LEAVING YOU NOW
I AM FREE OF YOU AND YOUR TOXIC BEHAVIOR
THIS IS MY CHOICE
ALL OF THIS IS FOR MY GREATER GOOD

those four sentences set me free.

But it wasn't till I came here and started reading in this forum that ALL the pieces fell into place.

I would stay far, far away from him. Good for you for telling him no and speaking your truth.

Kittyboo

You guys are all just fabulous!
Jadmack - I love your graphic...contr.alt.delete..lol And yes, he has proven his insincerity. It's really hard for me to realize the man he has become...he was NOT that man when I first talked to him. Really, I couldn't imagine him wanting to hurt me. Lesson learned.

Stella - no, he will not be able to bait and hook me. Well, the gf that he has now was his previous gf (wife even I think)...he told me they dated for 2 years, and were married for 9 months. Yes, he described it as a nightmare. So she is fully aware of what it is like to be with him...... and she went back. Soooooo to each their own. He's VERY charming, and convincing and has the whole "please feel bad for me" thing going on, so I can fully understand why she went back. And her family seems to love him.
But yes, there is obviously something that is beginning to lack once again there, hence his resurfacing all of a sudden. He clearly needs some kind of attention besides from her. Be it negative or positive. I am thinking their rollercoaster ride has just hit the very top and is about to go over.........
I won't even ride a roller coaster at the theme park! Why would I do that in life!?

Transform-

I AM LEAVING YOU NOW
I AM FREE OF YOU AND YOUR TOXIC BEHAVIOR
THIS IS MY CHOICE
ALL OF THIS IS FOR MY GREATER GOOD

I love this!
Yes, I did tell him my truth, I wanted him to know that I don't trust him. BUT I also felt I did leave the door open by saying I was willing to hear him out. Clearly there was SOME part of me who thought he was being sincere. I mean I've seen him go out of his way for others, so sure, I thought that our friendship meant something to him.... yep, not so much!

I too have read a lot of info on PA behavior....VERY eye opening.

Ugh, only 3 more months until I get to leave this place and move home!!!

wanting

My XAH is totally passive aggressive. He does this push-pull thing with me all the time. If I seem a little too happy without him, he'll try to suck me back in, but just until he feels like he can, and then he pushes me away. Any apologies that he's made seem to be solely for his own benefit. He wants me to be all, "Oh, it's OK. I forgive you." And if I want to discuss in more detail all the pain that he's caused, the apology is over.

I would say...you are lucky that you can stay far away from him. I have to see mine just about every day! It's made me stronger though, and more aware of what he's all about. But, I just went on vacation for 10 days and it was bliss to not have to deal with him during that time!

Kittyboo

Wanting, yours sounds just like mine!

Omgoodness, I can not even imagine what I would go through if I had to see him everyday. You have TREMENDOUS strength. I do believe that we all have strength tucked away somewhere, and when the time comes when we need it, it does manifest!
But wow, I have my own anxiety issues and control issues that I am trying to manage... sometimes I fail miserably. Like always having to have the last word! - Yeah, not a great trait. Which I have succumb to again. But oh well!
Having to see him everyday would just make my anxiety come out... i'm sure. But then again- it's one of those situations that definitely makes you stronger! YOU are my hero

transformyself

Exactly my experience as well. Creepy...

TakingCharge999

UGH it sucks seeing them everyday but it is really freeing when you realize they were not good and turned bad because of alcohol... in reality they are bad people who turn good on demand, just to grab someone otherwise anyone with some sanity would run far away right away LOL

Good for you for blocking FB and anything else. Life is soooooooo much better when you live yours and stop thinking or seeing what others are living or saying are living or showing off or whatever... I thought I was becoming a loner but now I understand that it is just that I have missed myself all this time and I enjoy my own company very much nowadays

Not to play, its hard not to read more into some signals.. .yesterday XABF saw me laughing and having a good time with some ex friends of his... well today he was laughing a lot around me and saying his idiot comments...

I left my place, climbed 5 floors to deal with my anger, came back, he was still around so I hid in the bathroom for 15 minutes

I got out and it was peaceful again...

"You can quack BUT I dont have to listen, " that's such a great feeling!! and that motto is WONDERFUL I love it!

Kittyboo

in reality they are bad people who turn good on demand

That's fantastic! And wow, true.

You know, it's hard not to read more into signals BECAUSE they are soooooo transparent. I mean really. For the most part, everything they do has an agenda attached to it. They are manipulative, they want a reaction, they want to see that someone still cares so much for them that they can still hurt them.
When you add all that up, every signal they throw out has some vindictive meaning behind it. Atleast this is what I believe.

In "normal" relationships someone may say... "oh, you're reading too much into it.." But these relationships are far from normal and the dynamics are far from normal.

I think maybe me blocking him was a signal to him that he got to me. But in the long run, that doesn't matter, because it's a signal saying...."ok, you can't talk to me at all now, or see me, and I can't see you, so what you do does not matter...buh bye".
Their signals are quite often..."i'm going to throw out signals so I can see you react, and hope that you say something to me so that I can drink or get mad or turn things around on you or blame you or or or or....."
Completely different I say.

MaryGoRound

You go Kittyboo!

I feel like this whole thread is total power! Good for you for being aware of the game! I know the next time mine contacts me It'll be very hard to not respond!

God, what a buncha jerks. I really wonder if the manipulation is conscious. Are these idiots that clever to be so conniving?

Kittyboo

what a buncha jerks LOL Well said!!

Hey don't get me wrong, I semi folded when mine contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I opened the door...well, I will say, I left it ajar. I still had my guard up, but I did tell him I was willing to talk to him.
It's REALLY hard when you, as most of us are, are the the type who truly wants to believe the good in people. And MAYBE THIS TIME they mean their apology. 9 times out of 10 they don't.

I do believe that for the most part they make these vindictive choices fully conscious of it. Many many alcoholics have extremely high IQ's. I know my XA is incredibly intelligent. And VERY aware of his actions. There is nothing that will convince me otherwise about him.
It may not be the case with all of them. I can't lump them in one group and say they ALL act this way. But damn if so many stories on here aren't replicas of each other. And the things that people have had to deal with because of their A's....the actions are very similar.

Many here have watched their loved one's transform into someone else, someone completely unrecognizable after many years. One of the differences with me is that I am finally realizing that the man I loved was NEVER there......he was a facade from the very beginning. So really, I did not lose the man I loved. The man I loved NEVER existed. He is a completely different person now than he used to be. No, he is now the person he always was but kept very well hidden.

They know how to play the games to get what they want...... this is why we have to know how to play better. Which usually means not to play.

Whadahay

Isn't it awesome when you finally take ownership of yourself and he can no longer own your emotions and play with them .... just because he can! He can't anymore! And that's the sweetest revenge of all!

Kittyboo

True that Whadahay!

If right now I am feeling hurt because of his actions, it's ONLY due to my own thoughts about it. He is no longer a part of my life.

TakingCharge999

I love it when "its no longer a part of my life" no longer hurts but is a "THANK GOOOOOOOOOOOOD THANK YOU THANK YOU thank you for saving me frm madness"

he is now the person he always was but kept very well hidden

That is so true!!

Man is it difficult, the transition.. but when it sinks in... its liberating...


I think it sucks more to mourn an alcoholic than a "normie" precisely because they tried sooo hard to be great, and they seem wonderful compared to others and that is why they are all unbelievable and incredible at first... because its NOT TRUE!!! UGH! it feels like a trap and one totally falling for it. But I say if you realized it was a trap and are still sane and alive and complete and healthy,you are superlucky and got much to thank HP about..

FindingPeace1

My AH can't talk about his misdeeds, either. He's lousy at apologies and taking ownership for mistakes/lies/whatever.

It may be that some people are, at base, bad people. I don't know, for sure.
I personally believe no one is, at base, bad.
I was a preschool teacher for a number of years. I had one kid that was rough, pushy, emotional, sometimes angry and non-communicative, and sometimes violent (at a 3 year old level).
It turns out he was living in two homes. His mom was a druggie prostitute. When he was at her house he sometimes didn't eat, he saw people doing drugs, watched violent tv, and he had seen people be shot.
His other home was with his grandmother who was married to a rich, white guy in a quiet, rich, white neighborhood. All the kids at the school were from rich, white land.
He was getting mind f**ked every time he switched from home to home. Life didn't make sense.
Sometimes he would be so rageful we would have to take him to a different room and restrain him. He would rage and rage and rage until he was so exhausted he would just sob. For a long, long time. I would hold him and rock him till he quieted down.
He was hurting.

I think people are products of family life, family history, society, etc. Sometimes that jacks us up.

What's the so what? It doesn't excuse awful behavior. It doesn't mean some people don't belong in jail forever or that we don't need to remove ourselves from them.

Sometimes we have to make the list of all the ways they are messed up. Sometimes we need to be fully enraged at their awful behavior.

It just means I try to keep a candle of compassion for their raging, 3 year old self. Their hurting (themselves and me), but they are hurting.

That's just me.

Hugs,
w

stella27

The problem that I have is that I can be totally suckered by that raging three year-old. I know what kind of nastiness my stbxAH grew up in. He has told me of the horrible screaming fights; his father's rages; his mother's passive-aggressiveness; his father's dropping in and out of the family; the nights my little boy/husband spent sleeping on the floor outside his parents' bedroom because they wouldn't let him in; the times his dad would get angry with his mom for spending too much and she would say "It was all for H (my husband)" - but it really wasn't for him. She just loved the spending.

And for 15 years I felt sorry for that hurting child. But in the last two years I started to see that the one I needed to feel sorry for was ME and our children because none of us act that way to each other and if I have no other purpose in life, I canNOT allow my children to grow up thinking that screaming rages, insults, and drunkenness are the right way to live.

That 3 year old is dangerous in a man's body, and if we focus too much on what he needed or needs now, we go down with him.

FindingPeace1

I agree.
It's a tough balance.
On the one hand, we feel sorry and ALLOW abuse.
On the other, we abuse them (if only in our minds).
Balance.