Can Recovered Alcoholics Ever Find Love?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Can Recovered Alcoholics Ever Find Love?
I have just been reading Keep Pedalling's thread and wondered about how a recovered alcoholic ever finds love? The impression I get is that the likelihood of relapse is high and that getting involved with/falling in love with even a recovered alcoholic is a risky business. It has been said on the forum that it is unwise to marry, buy a house with, have children with or have a joint account with a recovered alcoholic. Have I got the wrong impression? Are all recovered alcoholics a bad risk? Is it best just to steer clear of anyone in recovery?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Gosh I hope there is hope for recovering alcoholics, because I am one! 
I try not to borrow from tomorrow concerning my love life. I take life one day at a time and give thanks.
You may not see a lot of recovery couples posting on this forum. They do exist, however. Many of them have moved on with their lives, happily living one day at a time. I know couples that have been together more than 10 years after the active alcoholism years. They are still taking life one day at a time.
It has been said on the forum that it is unwise to marry, buy a house with, have children with or have a joint account with a recovered alcoholic. It would be unwise, IMHO, to do those things with an active alcoholic.
There is a difference between active alcoholism and sobriety.
There is also a difference between sober and recovered.
I wouldn't lump any of those together and issue a blanket warning.
I try not to borrow from tomorrow concerning my love life. I take life one day at a time and give thanks.
You may not see a lot of recovery couples posting on this forum. They do exist, however. Many of them have moved on with their lives, happily living one day at a time. I know couples that have been together more than 10 years after the active alcoholism years. They are still taking life one day at a time.
It has been said on the forum that it is unwise to marry, buy a house with, have children with or have a joint account with a recovered alcoholic. It would be unwise, IMHO, to do those things with an active alcoholic.
There is a difference between active alcoholism and sobriety.
There is also a difference between sober and recovered.
I wouldn't lump any of those together and issue a blanket warning.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Not an A, but now I can kind of see the difference between recovered and sober or whatever terms you want to use.
Just like with anyone it is a good idea to fins a healthy partner. Sobriety is a must imho for a relationship with a recovered A, but the other characteristics that are talked about here are also important (maturity, responsibility, compassion, etc). These to me are required for any partner, but with a formerly active A, these things must have a strong track record in his/her life.
Just like with anyone it is a good idea to fins a healthy partner. Sobriety is a must imho for a relationship with a recovered A, but the other characteristics that are talked about here are also important (maturity, responsibility, compassion, etc). These to me are required for any partner, but with a formerly active A, these things must have a strong track record in his/her life.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Of course they can.
But this is a board where we worry. We are friends and family of alcoholics.
We didn't come here to sit in front of our computers because everything in our lives is going so well!
If our A's were doing so well, we would be on some other board. I would say that for every recovering A that is causing chaos in the lives of their freinds and families, there are dozens who are working a program and finding success in life.
I know several RA's who are married and raising children and seem to be doing well.
But this is a board where we worry. We are friends and family of alcoholics.
We didn't come here to sit in front of our computers because everything in our lives is going so well!
If our A's were doing so well, we would be on some other board. I would say that for every recovering A that is causing chaos in the lives of their freinds and families, there are dozens who are working a program and finding success in life.
I know several RA's who are married and raising children and seem to be doing well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Oh my gosh, Stella and Pelican, you guys literally CRACKED ME UP:rotfxko
Thanks.
Jenny,
have you read some of the posts on the A forum, not only the F & Family one?
Many of us have been, or are being, hurt badly by the addicts in our lives. Many of us have become cynical, jaded. We write from our hearts and from our experiences.
I know for a fact that alcoholics can recover, do recover, and live full loving lives. I guess I think they might be in the minority. The real problem (with your question) is there are no guarantees. Every single alcoholic lives with the potential risk. They don't focus on it, but they are aware of it. If this were a numbers game, I'd say, yeah, don't risk it. But once a person like you has a concern like that, I'm thinkin, it's not just a number for you - there's a real person involved. Yes?
Would you like to share what's goin on?
Thanks.
Jenny,
have you read some of the posts on the A forum, not only the F & Family one?
Many of us have been, or are being, hurt badly by the addicts in our lives. Many of us have become cynical, jaded. We write from our hearts and from our experiences.
I know for a fact that alcoholics can recover, do recover, and live full loving lives. I guess I think they might be in the minority. The real problem (with your question) is there are no guarantees. Every single alcoholic lives with the potential risk. They don't focus on it, but they are aware of it. If this were a numbers game, I'd say, yeah, don't risk it. But once a person like you has a concern like that, I'm thinkin, it's not just a number for you - there's a real person involved. Yes?
Would you like to share what's goin on?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,346
I'm a recovered alcoholic too.
I'm pretty cool
But I'm taken
And seriously - my relationship is great. My alcoholism and my recovery is being dealt with day by day - now Mrs Dee just has to deal with me being a man
D
I'm pretty cool
But I'm taken
And seriously - my relationship is great. My alcoholism and my recovery is being dealt with day by day - now Mrs Dee just has to deal with me being a man
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thanks for your responses and it is so positive to hear from people who are recovered and in a healthy relationship. Spending the last few months reading posts on this forum, the A and the NtR forum every day has made such a difference to my life.
Coffeedrinker is right - I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and posted part of my story some weeks ago. A year ago I knew nothing about alcoholism and then met up again with someone I was involved with many years ago. He is a lovely person but sadly an alcoholic who whilst not in denial is also not at the stage where he wants to stop. It has taken me this long to walk away from a relationship that I know can go nowhere whilst he is in active addiction. He isn't abusive but has narrowed his choices in life to accommodate his addiction and lies to protect his addiction.
I love him very much, as I did before, but really that's irrelevant because in reality the only relationship he is capable of having at the moment is with a bottle.
It is only through reading and reading and reading here that I have gained some insight into the terrible nature of this disease and why I found it so hard to walk away. Now I am just left with a terrible sadness - because despite knowing I have made the right decision I am grieving for what was and what could have been. Even if he chose recovery, true recovery, I would find it very hard to have a relationship with him again. The risks are very high and at 48 I have to think about protecting the life I have fought to build for myself and my children.
From the bottom of my heart I thank you all for giving me the courage and understanding to walk away - with love, not anger. So many posts have inspired me and helped me to look at my own life and to think about my own behaviour. And most importantly not to judge him but to accept that those are his choices and I can either live with that or walk away.
I just hope that one day, for his sake, he chooses recovery.
Coffeedrinker is right - I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and posted part of my story some weeks ago. A year ago I knew nothing about alcoholism and then met up again with someone I was involved with many years ago. He is a lovely person but sadly an alcoholic who whilst not in denial is also not at the stage where he wants to stop. It has taken me this long to walk away from a relationship that I know can go nowhere whilst he is in active addiction. He isn't abusive but has narrowed his choices in life to accommodate his addiction and lies to protect his addiction.
I love him very much, as I did before, but really that's irrelevant because in reality the only relationship he is capable of having at the moment is with a bottle.
It is only through reading and reading and reading here that I have gained some insight into the terrible nature of this disease and why I found it so hard to walk away. Now I am just left with a terrible sadness - because despite knowing I have made the right decision I am grieving for what was and what could have been. Even if he chose recovery, true recovery, I would find it very hard to have a relationship with him again. The risks are very high and at 48 I have to think about protecting the life I have fought to build for myself and my children.
From the bottom of my heart I thank you all for giving me the courage and understanding to walk away - with love, not anger. So many posts have inspired me and helped me to look at my own life and to think about my own behaviour. And most importantly not to judge him but to accept that those are his choices and I can either live with that or walk away.
I just hope that one day, for his sake, he chooses recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Congrats on a loving and insightful post Jenny, and your last words show your nature.
Yes, it can be hard to love someone, and have to choose between them and yourself and family, and all because of their addiction. I wouldn't choose to live beside a toxic waste dump, yet for many years I chose to live with a very toxic drinker and my life was as full of the poison of alcoholism as his was.
Heard an Alanon speaker once say that she finally "got it", when marching in a protest against mining uranium. She said she didn't want her kids harmed by it's use, because it was toxic. Then her sister beside her made the comment, "so is living with their toxic dad, so will you march against him too?"
She said she was too stunned to be angry at sis, and has since been thankful to her for daring to say what others didn't. She was there to protect her kids from harm, all harm, not just pick and choose, and after talking to her kids she decided her AH was more dangerous to them than uranium. She marched AH out of the house within a week.
Gutsy woman....
I wish you strength, peace and happiness in your future.
God bless
Yes, it can be hard to love someone, and have to choose between them and yourself and family, and all because of their addiction. I wouldn't choose to live beside a toxic waste dump, yet for many years I chose to live with a very toxic drinker and my life was as full of the poison of alcoholism as his was.
Heard an Alanon speaker once say that she finally "got it", when marching in a protest against mining uranium. She said she didn't want her kids harmed by it's use, because it was toxic. Then her sister beside her made the comment, "so is living with their toxic dad, so will you march against him too?"
She said she was too stunned to be angry at sis, and has since been thankful to her for daring to say what others didn't. She was there to protect her kids from harm, all harm, not just pick and choose, and after talking to her kids she decided her AH was more dangerous to them than uranium. She marched AH out of the house within a week.
Gutsy woman....
I wish you strength, peace and happiness in your future.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Houston
Posts: 19
I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic and we are both working our programs, aiming to be the best people we can be. While we both know that the possibility of relapse is there, is it any different from getting involved with someone who may, in the future, develop a problem with alcohol or drugs?
The important thing here is that we are aware of the pitfalls, so we strive to be healthy, honest, compassionate and straight-forward with each other. Not a bad thing to do in any relationship.
Most of the alcoholics and addicts that I know who are in recovery programs are the most genuine of people. They have worked, and are working, so hard on themselves that they have so much more to offer than the average person, in my opinion. But the key is that they are working their programs. Anyone who puts that much effort into living a healthy life deserves kudos and the love and admiration of the people around them.
So to all of you out there who are working a program (me included) -
The important thing here is that we are aware of the pitfalls, so we strive to be healthy, honest, compassionate and straight-forward with each other. Not a bad thing to do in any relationship.
Most of the alcoholics and addicts that I know who are in recovery programs are the most genuine of people. They have worked, and are working, so hard on themselves that they have so much more to offer than the average person, in my opinion. But the key is that they are working their programs. Anyone who puts that much effort into living a healthy life deserves kudos and the love and admiration of the people around them.
So to all of you out there who are working a program (me included) -
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by JennF wonders aloud
Can Recovered Alcoholics Ever Find Love?
Like Pelican, I'll make a key distinction between being recovered (as described in the Big Book of AA) and just not drinking. I have yet to see a healthy relationship involving an alcoholic who is merely abstaining from booze, whether they say they are 'in recovery' or not. All the warnings probably apply.
Ask most normal, non-alcoholic, regular joe on the street people what the payoff is for loving someone. Most will answer that the payoff is that the someone will love you back.
Ask the truly recovered alkie what the payoff is, and they will tell you that it is getting to love someone else.
That's what I get out of loving someone. I get to love to someone. Without conditions. Without expectations. Without trying to manipulate them into who I want them to be. Something about recovery tends to kill off that need for control and reciprocity.
Maybe that's an ideal the people with co-dependant tendencies should strive for as well.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
I think I understand what Keith is saying and ideally, I agree. But, in my experience I did view my former realionships as "getting to love someone I believed was wonderful." This got me into a world of hurt down the road. I did not have controlling tendencies prior to the fallout and unstbale bahavior. I did not know when to leave. Leaving someone I loved was never an option to me. It never occurred to me that anyone would leave someone they loved. This might be where the codie thing kicks in, but the idea of "getting to love someone" is wonderful, but I have yet to see it applied practically and work.
I think I understand what Keith is saying and ideally, I agree. But, in my experience I did view my former realionships as "getting to love someone I believed was wonderful." This got me into a world of hurt down the road. I did not have controlling tendencies prior to the fallout and unstbale bahavior. I did not know when to leave. Leaving someone I loved was never an option to me. It never occurred to me that anyone would leave someone they loved. This might be where the codie thing kicks in, but the idea of "getting to love someone" is wonderful, but I have yet to see it applied practically and work.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Chiaroscuro 
Most of the alcoholics and addicts that I know who are in recovery programs are the most genuine of people.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
It has been easier to love my husband now that he is a recovered alcoholic. I feel like I get to know who he really is--and I am not as confused by his words--his words are now what he means to say--when he was active --I did not know what to believe with his actions or his words.
I am not naive though--I know that he could relapse-the choice is his. He has to want to be sober. And he has to choose to be someone who makes good choices.
I am not naive though--I know that he could relapse-the choice is his. He has to want to be sober. And he has to choose to be someone who makes good choices.
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