12stepnchick

Well the much anticipated break up with the new guy I had been dating happened yesterday. While I was anticipating doing in the best way so as not to hurt him, he wasn't and showed little compassion. The very first email he sent me ever being a "Dear John".
Honestly, I was hurt over HOW he did it, but not that it happened....I wasn't happy and try to be very optomistic and his pessimistic attitude always left me feeling weighted down. He did tell me that I was right about him that he had to get some help to find out why he is the way he is. It's over-done, and I've deleted him from my phone, etc, but I was happy with how it ended this time.........meaning me no longer leaving claw marks in everything that ends....Progress right?

As I was talking to a GF last night, telling her about it all, I burst into tears and began crying horribly over EXABF (he has been sober and attending meetings for 11 yrs but takes oxycontin daily for his back pain-more than I know he should). I opened up to her telling her about the good parts of our relationship etc, and the more I shared the more I cried. This was soooo unlike me. We have been split up for a year Spring and I had really thought I was moving past this and dating and moving on. After all he had already moved on and told me about it, so what we had must have mean nothing to him, so why shouldn't I get out there again? And I think that is what I've been trying to do........move on just to keep up with him, I always thought I'd find someone new first....

I think after last night, the truth is, I'm not ready yet to move on, date maybe, but move on no..........the grief was still so raw last night, the hurt I felt still painfully close. I wonder how long it actually takes to get over someone and for this grieving to stop.......I thought I had moved to acceptance and now I'm back to grieving???? Will it ever be done?

I pray to my HP to take away the feelings in my heart and head for this man, and days go by and I'm ok, and then he is there again larger than life and I am lost again. I guess HP isn't taking it away because he knows I'm not ready, or it's not part of His plan but I'm tired of feeling like this......

Any ESH would be appreciated greatly....
12stepnchick

Cowgirl1265

Hugs to you.

Grief is a process. There is no predefined period of how long we are "supposed" to have these emotions. They are there, they are part of us. Because they are so deep in our hearts and minds, other pain will cause them to rise to the surface. It sounds like you needed to cry, to grieve what was a great loss to you. You are still moving on, and you are getting well. Just look how great you did with this breakup, with this situation that would normally trigger you into destructive behavior.

So very healthy to let all that emotion and feeling off in a good cry, I think.

DesertEyes

Hi there 12stepnchick, and pleased to "meet" you

I got stuck in that cycle much like you described. Felt like I was in a washer that washed, rinsed and repeated but never stopped. Went thru a _lot_ of kleenex at my meets.

What I had to do was get down and honest with a fourth and fifth step. For me it was not just the grief of losing a marriage, but there was also my own addiction to fantasies. I had my self-image tangled up with the marriage certificate. I felt that only if I was married would I be a decent human being, that I was being judged by others because I had failed.

For me, that was nonsense. I did my best, and then more. A marriage certificate has nothing to do with the kind of person I am. I can be a good person or a bad person regardless of what my "marital status" is. It came down to just plain old low self-esteem, and fear of being judged.

Once I admited that to myself, my HP and my sponsor, the whole cycle I was stuck in just vanished overnight. I still hurt, but I was no longer overwhelmed. Since then I have dated a fantastic young lady with whom I am still friends, and now I am dating another charmer. I have my life back and I'm moving on.

Those 12 steps of al-anon really work for me, but only when I actually _do_ them like it says in the book.

Mike

TakingCharge999

Hey 12step, I was going to post a similar thread!

its been a little over a year since I last spoke with XABF and when I see him around larger than life its like a kick in the gut... many times I feel stronger and can shrug any anger/nostalgia off but sometimes like yesterday its overwhelming! and the days without contact at all are wonderful!! if the thought comes I can imagine it was all a nightmare but knowing they are around and feeling nothing sucks. Anyway I wanted to say I know how it feels and when you feel you go backwards... its really moving forward... to me physical exercise helps a lot, when angry I climb tons of stairs, and I also dance, mainly its very very upbeat songs! preparing for the lessons beats staying home wondering about others, the past, beating myself up for believing in someone who was not worth it etc.etc.

Crying is such a great relief, once my therapist told me if I felt bad even while crying whenever I felt/feel like doing it.... to imagine how others (especially males) feel if they don't even allow themselves to cry? also she told me perhaps I didnt miss XABF as a BF but as a FRIEND...so, it was easier to be good to myself... I thought i was crazy for missing a drinker, jerk, verbal abuser but she told me I didnt miss that, but the good conversations and "early days", when he was my best friend and of course it hurts to lose someone who once was important. This made me feel less insane.


Here I read moving on is like losing weight, you got to stick to certain things on a daily basis.. .resort to your support system... you got to find out what works and helps YOU... to me it was/is: therapist, SR, yoga, dancing, playing/sleeping with my cats, staying AWAY from any ex or common friend, to get away from XABF when he comes nearby, mantras, inspirational reading ,melody beatty and other books... painting.... Talking to best GFs, my family, reading fashion magazines and buying nice stuff for myself when I can (like an organic masque and powder which make me feel like a million dollars!)...

Well there are many things you can do and the thing is to find the "perfect mix" for you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you got to trust god/HP has better things in store for you.. but you got to get rid of the baggage first...

Remember 'this too shall pass' this is just a stage in our lifes..... it will change, and will keep changing...... also it doesn't matter if someone else recognizes good stuff in you or values you or treats you right, what matters is that you do that for yourself.... YOU DEFINE YOURSELF! no one else does

HUGS!

barb dwyer

It took me a LOT of pain to get to this point -
and if you're NOT at this point -

you're not going to like this AT ALL ....

but ... it finally 'hit' me that -
how can this guy be 'having a great life'

because - I *KNOW* what he's really like?

He's a drain on me, was a DEAD WEIGHT ...
now supposedly he's turned into prince charmig?

No.
That's a lie.
He just found someone who will play their game is all.

He's still the same man.
He just found a weaker woman is all.
And even if he didn't -
and he found someone who is 'making him behave'....
YOU remember hwat a nightmare he was
when he wasn't in charge?

he's just found a woman...
who gets into the pain part.

Who needs either?


I want respect.
I want to be able to love
without the need to 'fix'.
Just ... 'as is'.
I require that ... 'as is' is NOT... potentially dangerous for me.

I found out I don't even know what that MEANS.


so...
Trust me in that
he is the same leaden weight....
it's all about the 'show' remember?

When I finally 'saw' that - I became LIGHTER.

he didn't find a woman who's 'better'
he just found one ... who will put up with it.

barb dwyer

When I found out
he'd gotten dumped all over
by the little 'princess' he dumped me for -
such a HUGE weight was lifted off me.

So I do know what you're talking about.

Only - this was FIVE years later.
It hurt that long.

Don't DO that to yourself.
Don't waste half a decade, like *I* did.

Maverik

IT WASN'T WASTED TIME, YOU JUST HELPED A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD BY SHARING YOUR PAIN AND EXPERIENCES. THANK YOU FOR THAT.grouphug:WHAT A WONDERFUL GIFT YOU HAVE ALL GIVEN ME. GOD BLESS.

freya

There's not really enough info on your post for me to tell for sure, but from what you have said, my best guess is that you still have un-worked-through feelings from you break-up last year and this new, lesser break-up has opened up a space for them to resurface.

For me when I'm bringing feelings form the past forward onto a present situation, it's usually very hard to tell, in the moment, exactly how much and which feelings belong where -- although usually, in my experience, it's a safe bet to assume that the old feelings are, not only more powerful than the current, but also somewhat distorted and "bigger" than they would have been if I had truly felt them and worked them all the way through in connection with the original event.

If you can, it might be helpful for you to take this opportunity to try to put these old feelings to rest in a more permanent and healthy way. Crying is always helpful; sometimes getting really angry and screaming or breaking something (that you can afford to break!) or punching/hitting something like a mattress or big pillow. Journaling can help sometimes -- for deeply repressed feelings it sometimes helps to write about whatever your feeling with the opposite hand (i.e. If your right-handed, then write with your left hand -- This is especially helpful if childhood wounding might have been triggered by either of the situations in question.). Also, when you feel you've got some kind of handle on exactly what these feelings are about, you might try writing a letter to the ex, with the idea that you are getting the feelings out of yourself, then you can do some kind of ritual, maybe like involving burning the letter or whatever works for you, to symbolize your being done with them and letting them go.

For any of this work, you need to be willing to be still, allow the feelings to surface, and then really let yourself go into them. It's not a comfortable process, but it's worth the work because the longer feelings stay repressed/shut-down, the more distorted and powerful they become.

freya

barb dwyer

Man I tell yua -
it's all the difference in the world
being the break-ER
and the break-EE, isn't it?

The turning point for me was
taking every single solitatry thing he'd EVER given me
all the photos, notes, and so on... EVERY THING-
including an antique Underwood typewriter....

and burying them out in the field at the ranch.

I scared the crap outa the horses -
(I was in this hundred acre pasture)
I yelled cussed screamed cried....
the sun went down ....

and that was that.

I fed the horses, and went in the house.