WHYOHWHY

So I am new here and this is my story. I have an binge AW. All she does is shots and will not stop drinking until she is so hammered that she is falling down, or passes out. We have 2 little ones under 3, and she will sometimes start drinking before I get home from work. She has even put them to bed without dinner before luckly enough when I get home around 630pm they are normally still laying in their bed awake and when I go into their rooms and ask them what they had for dinner they tell me nothing. I ask them if they are hungry and of course say yes, so I bring them back downstairs and feed them dinner. One month she drank every night except for 3 and when I confronted her she laughed about it and said yeah I know.

New years eve this year she was so drunk that she forgot where our kids were. And then ended up passing out before 10. What a way to bring in the new year! (Sorry little rant there) This type of drinking and behavior has been going on WAY to long, so on Jan 2nd I told her that she needs to quit drinking and that the children and I will not tollerate it anymore. At that time she was onboard and wanted to quit. Later I found out that it was the alcohol talking and not her. Now here we are alittle over a month later and no real changes have been made. I even got her parents involved and we all have talked to her.

This past weekend I thoughtshe really made a big step by dumping out the rest of her bottle, however she was drunk when she did that and the next day she asked me to go buy her a bottle and when I confronted her about what had happened the night before, she proceeded to tell me that she only did that to prove a point. I really do not know how much more of this I can take!

Last week I went and spoke with an attorney to get some options for myself and my boys. I know that I have got to get out of this because her alcoholism is effecting me, my attitude and my kids. I try talking to my parents and they tell me that I need to be patient and give her time. Well how much patience and time am I really supposed to have when she is not willing to seek help? I have been contimplating for weeks now about what needs to be done. My kids are my #1 priority and I know that they have to be taken out of this situation, but even with her drinking problem I am not guarenteed custody and I do not trust her to keep them safe since she is already drinking when she is the only adult in the house.

I read something someone else said on here that said "We all have to decide at what point we are willing to support and help versus protect ourselves and our children. " I guess I am still trying to figure this out for myself, but I really like this saying. I hope and pray that I can find my decision before it is to late and more damage is done.

PLEASE HELP, ANY ADVISE WOULD BE GREEATLY APPRECIATED!!!

PS sorry if this is rambling and is out of order, there are just so many thoughts going through my head, and this is my first attempt of seeking help for myself!

Cowgirl1265

Welcome to SR, Why. I am sorry your life is in so much turmoil right now.

It sounds to me as if you have reached a decision that feels right to you and are struggling with implementing it, that you are looking for someone else to tell you it is OK to go ahead and take legal steps to protect yourself and your children.

I don't believe that you need anyone's permission to take those steps. You have correctly ascertained that your wife's alcoholism isn't going to end just because you have asked her to stop drinking, and you have realized that you need to put yourself and your children first. In my opinion you show a lot of insight and wisdom in having made these realizations.

If you have not yet attended an Al-Anon meeting in your area, I highly recommend it for the support and learning.

suki44883

There's nothing wrong with being patient, but there's no law that says you have to do so while occupying a front row seat to the drama. Those little ones don't have any choice in the matter, but you do! My advice is to get them and yourself to a place where there can be consistency and sanity. If that means taking them to live elsewhere, so be it. At this point, she is going to do whatever she's going to do, but those little ones need at least one stable and sane parent. Looks like that one is you. Please help them.

stella27

Who takes care of your babies during the day?

Pelican

Welcome to the SoberRecovery family!

You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. I'm sorry that your AW binges on alcohol, but glad you are reaching out for help.

Our permanent posts, stickies, at the top of this page contain some of our stories and experiences. Lots of wisdom on those threads!

Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as much as needed.

I use the 3 C's of alcoholism to keep my perspective concerning a loved ones addiction:

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I won't cure it

nodaybut2day

Hi Why, and WELCOME TO SR! I'm so glad you found this place; the people here are wonderfully supportive.

It sounds like you found us just at the right time; your post indicates that you're already aware of the danger your wife's alcoholism poses to your children. And though it is true that no one can tell you what the "right" thing to do is, please consider your children's safety and well-being. As Stella asked, who cares for these children during the day? Are they safe in their mother's care? You don't seem to think so. The fact that they are often sent to bed without dinner really concerns me. Have you thought of speaking to a social worker about this? This kind of thing seems to me like neglect and needs to be addressed asap.

What does your lawyer say with regards to custody? Seems to me that if your wife's alcoholism is this out of control, you could ask for primary custody and that she only be given supervised visitation, at least until she's in treatment for her addiction. I'm no expert here, but I'm in the middle of a custody battle right now, and if my XAH behaved like your wife, things would be a lot easier for me.

One last thing: I'd start to journal and document every instance of drunkeness and neglect in front of the children. Does your wife have any DUIs? Has she been to treatment before? All these details can be put into a file that may help your case in obtaining some kind of primary custody.

Keep posting!

littlefish

Her drinking sounds like it's already at chronic stage. I would take some action to protect your kids and take them out of that situation. The reason I say that is because she does not sound like she is interested in stopping.

It would be a different story if she showed some remorse, some desire and determination to stop, made a plan to stop and found some outside help like AA or another recovery program. Sounds like she hasn't done any of that.

There is no reason for you and your children to suffer with an untreated alcoholic who has chosen to continue drinking. You don't want to wait until the next time she loses the kids: that is far too great a risk to take.

WHYOHWHY

Thank you all for the replys so far. Luckly enough the kids are at day care during the day. She does have 1 DUI and as never been to rehab nor an AA meeting. I have been documenting everything since mid October 2009 when I started to have enough of this behavior. The lawyer was glad that I have been documenting everything and to keep doing so until I decide to file the paperwork. Unfortunately, he can not guarentee me sole custody with supervised visits for AW, which is what I want until she is sober, then once she has been sober for however long, I would have no problem with a joint custody arrangement. The kids still need their mother in their lives.

FindingPeace1

Welcome!
The title of your post hit me like a bolt to the heart!

How much patience and time is enough?

It struck me because the unstated is, "How much patience and time is enough for me in this situation with my wife?" which is a question only you can answer.
And also, because although that seemed obvious to me (about YOU in YOUR situation), I have asked that myself!
How deep that we even ask! No one can know that. We need to know that to take care of ourselves!!
In fact, even the fact that we are asking the question, says it is enough.

Let me say that again (for myself!).

Even the fact that we are asking the question (when is enough enough?) means it is enough.

I have lots of friends and my AH doesn't have any. I feel "better than" because I am connected and he is isolating. And yet, I use my big network to have LOTS of people to ask the question to. I call and share sob stories and get encouragement and validation and...I am as raging a codie as my AH is an alcoholic. What revelation! Thanks!

Okay, enough about me!
A #1 priority is you and your children's health, safety and well being. If your wife is so drunk she can put the kids to bed without dinner, she can not be trusted with your children, unsupervised.
I'm sorry to be so forthright, but your lil' punkins can't protect themselves.

It seems you are on track to find out how to care for you and them.
I would reiterate that Alanon will be mighty helpful for you.

We all feel your pain. This is heartwrenching and frustrating and all around rotten.
Helping and supporting can only come in the form of you allowing her to process her life with her addiction in her way and letting her experience the consequences of her actions. No other help or support will "fix" her.

Consider reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More for lots of good stuff.

I wish you the best.

wife

Gold

Welcome to Sr.
I can only reiterate what has already been said.
Your children are vulnerable and need you to step up and be responsible for their emotional and physical safety.

TakingCharge999

Hi whyowhy!

Reminder of the 3 Cs

You can't control her (or anyone)
You can't cure her (or anyone)
You didn't cause this

BUT..

You CAN control yourself
You CAN cure yourself
You CAN cause good things to happen

I'm glad you are taking control here, I see many adults here and in real life going mad because of someone's alcoholism (like me!! before joining this great community) ... I can't imagine how it is like for teenagers or kids.

HUGS!!

justjo

Hello whyowhy,
I feel your frustrations. The hardest part is that we want them to stop and they havent admitted they have a problem yet. Even when they do admit they have a problem, it needs their permission to stop.
How long has she been drinking like this, would she be prepared to get professional help. There may be other things going on with her that you are not aware of and her doctor may be able to look deeper.
Get as much info as you can for yourself to try and understand this horrible addiction. When is it enough, for me it was when I accepted I wasnt going to change it. You can support her from a distance but you will never know what it has to take, for her to stop. Only she can figure that out.

Redheadsusie

With children someone does have to "step up" and be responsible for the kids. I am sorry you are hurting but know many people are around to support you through this tough time. I raised my sons alone due to their Dad's alcoholism and it has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Much peace to you ....

FreeingMyself

Wow...I could have written parts of your story as if it was my own. My AH would also drink every night to passing out......drinking when he was in chage or our baby.....drinking to incoherency....it was horrible. It is easy when people on th eoutside don't live your life for them to say hang in there....but you have to live it...you have to decide for you. This wasn't easy for me....at all, and I still struggle daily, but at the end of the day the safety of your children and there well being is very important. I know one of the things I often think about is that this behavior is somewhat learned or family oriented. That kind of scared me fo my kids. I can't tell you what is was that made me ask him to seperated exactly, but I knew I was not doing myself or my kids good anymore. It has been 3 months and I feel much more grounded and much happier. I still get lost in the fantasy of what "might be", but I try to remember what is. Good luck to you.....

GiveLove

Damage is being done to your boys now. Right now.

I was one of those kids put to bed without having been fed, because my parents were drunk. I can still feel what that feels like. I am 48. I was also the victim of several near-misses from having been left alone with my mother the drunk. Once she turned on the gas and forgot about it. Another time I fell and was pouring blood from a half-inch deep gash in my leg, and she was too drunk to take me to the doctor. I was white by the time she stumbled over to a neighbor and he got me to the ER.

I humbly suggest you go back to your attorney and ask a different kind of question. Find out exactly what kind of ammunition you would need in your state in order to get supervised visitation only. What kinds of things would have to happen, and what kind of documentation would seal the deal before a judge.

And then make it happen.

In the meantime, I suggest you only have the kids home when YOU'RE home, unless you want to risk losing one or both of them to alcoholic "accidents". The situation they are in might be far more dangerous than you think.

Just my two cents, for what it's worth, from one who's been your kids.

coffeedrinker

I don't really have much of anything to add, because you've received such sound, solid advice. It sounds as though you're ready to take action, and that you're smart about such move.

This thing your parents said:
They're old school - you stick with your spouse for life. A zillion and a half people have suffered greatly because of this principle. Also, they do not live with it; there's no way they can understand just how horrific things are.

I don't know if you would feel a lot of guilt as a result of abandoning her, but know that you taking your children and getting to a place of safety and sanity, doesn't mean that it has to be forever. She certainly could hear the call and get sober.

Yep, I vote for the kiddo's.