KeepPedaling

Hi everyone. Well, I gave it another try. We had a great three weeks back together. He was really trying to make it work - being so sweet, making things about me half the time (instead of always about him), doing thoughtful things. But then we got into a fight. He said something really hurtful after continuing a behavior pattern that was really hurtful for awhile (no need to go into it); so I got hurt, but because he usually reacts angrily when I tell him I'm hurt, I got angry too, so we got into a big huge fight this morning.

I could tell that he was going to drink today. I think it's weird because I've only experienced it with him twice, this time being the second. He gets a "F#@K it" tone.

So, we were talking on the phone earlier, and I asked him if he'd been drinking. He said "no" and then went into all the details of his day to prove it. I told him I knew he was drinking. He finally admitted it.

He said he drank a six pack. I asked if he wanted me to come and get him (I know) or if he wanted to keep drinking. "I don't want to drink anymore. I want you to come and get me." He lives an hour away from me. I got my things together and was on the road about 15 minutes later. Half an hour into the drive, he calls me. He was completely drunk. He told me about shots of expensive tequila with beer chasers. I started to cry. He said everything was fine and to go get him and everything would be ok and this isn't a big deal, and "Sweetheart! I just had a bad day! No biggie honey!" I kept crying as I turned my car around and drove myself home.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. I guess it's time for me to start swimming again.

I have to say that listening to him when he's drunk is like listening to him dying. It's so horrible and sad. Isn't it? Watching someone you love do this to their one life? Sucks.

Soph

Keep Pedaling, I am sorry to hear your pain. It does suck to keep being disappointed. You should keep pedaling and pedal right over to an al anon meeting soon if possible. You love a man with a disease and it hurts a lot. I know, been there, still am there. Lots of emotions that whirl around and threaten to sweep you off the ground. But stay grounded! Get support; you know it's a disease and - it is NOT YOU IT'S HIM.

Try to rest too...

Gold

Oh how dissappointing. It is so hurtful isn't it?
You did the right thing to turn around. It is not your role to fix, resue or prop him up.

The last 3 weeks were an illusion it seems and today he showed his reality again.

Take a deep breath and do some things for yourself. look after number one!
Hugs

Leslie013

Wow Keep Pedaling, that took such an amount of courage and strength to do that. :ghug3

KeepPedaling

Thanks you guys. I've had some yucky phone calls from him tonight. He's all drunk and happy, trying to tell me about his night out on the town. Thats rough. Having a horrible time, feeling terrible and then you hear how happy they are, feeling no pain, don't care who they hurt. don't care. I just tell him I have to go and hang up. I took the calls while he was out. I worry. Now he's home. Whew.

Tomorrow he'll sober up and realize what he's done. He'll feel bad and start drinking again.

I'd like to admit that I spent a lot of money on something he wanted to do this last weekend. Everyone here told me not to spend any money on him. And I did. He really wanted to participate in this event, so I paid for just about everything, including the place to stay. He thanked me a bunch.

Here's the really messed up part. I thought that if I did that for him, it would really help him inside, that it would make him feel more in the world again, happier, more confident about his sober life. I did it because I really thought that kind of happiness would make him stronger. One day later, he's drinking.

This week, I'm going to take care of me and let him take care of him. AND I'm going to read a million posts and see what you've all been up to.

KeepPedaling

Soph, I looove the puppy picture. That face! So cute!

Helenlee

I'm so proud of you - you turned the car around & went home! That was a really positive, self nurturing action.

When you first started posting on this forum I would have bet you wouldn't go back to him. You sounded together & grounded. I thought you were one of the luck ones who was only going to get a singeing rather than 3rd degree burns from this terrible disease (codependence). And then ... it started to change. Just like you picked up on the subtle signs he'd been drinking, the warning signs started showing in your posts as you began to slip back into the addicts thinking - "just a little bit won't hurt me".
Please believe codependents have to take their recovery every bit as seriously as alcoholics. And please believe the long term consequences of codependence are every bit as serious as alcoholism. You, & only you, can chose when to get off this ghastly roller coaster.

KeepPedaling

Thanks HelenLee. I think I was single for so long that I got cocky about my strength and independence. I felt so secure in my strength. I've worked so hard in life to get where I'm at. I felt independent and strong and healthy. I thought I had plenty of strength to go around. But NOW I'm feeling it. This time it wasn't just a singeing. I felt deeply hurt today. It really left me staggering and feeling weak and, even worse, bad about myself.

I have to just get into survival mode and take care of me. You're right, I thought I could help just a little bit and it wouldn't hurt me. I thought I was strong enough to carry him. Wrong!

I really wanted to be the one who could help him though. I really wish I was enough to keep him sober and happy. I'm not though. I tried, and I'm not. I have to face it.

iwantcontrol

keeppedalling - i really feel for you and i can totally identify with a lot of the emotions you've been experiencing. I too thought i could be the one to help my ABF and i'm still with him so i guess i still think i can. I've spent lots of money on him before with the hope that he'd somehow be so grateful and happy that someone cared enough to do that for him that he'd stop drinking, but like your experience, a few days later he'd have forgotten it and be drinking again. It made no difference. I used to buy him things for his new home and then look round at them while he'd be laying there in a druken stupor and get so angry - i'd wonder how he could sit there and get drunk when i'd helped him so much. I don't do that anymore.

I hope you can recover ok from this setback, and if you do decide to go back to him again that you are careful. Good luck

Jadmack25

Oh keeppedalling, my heart goes out to you right now. The pain never gets any less, no matter how much we have been hurt in the past, so I guess we don't build immunity unless we get out of the target area.

I have very mixed feelings about the time around Valentine's Day each year, as some years ago I planned and paid for a something special with all the trimmings, as you have.
On Feb 12th I found ABF at his place with the lowest form of #%*&(^! I have ever seen, discovered they had been boozing, clubbing and cheating on me for weeks, and were a byword and laughing stock around town.

I was shattered at first, but by the 14th I was angry and decided to go and do what was planned for us, all by myself. I actually enjoyed myself, but returned home to the pain and depression.

It was 6 months before I had any contact with him, as I didn't answer calls and I had a police friend tell ABF that if he came to my place he would be arrested and charged.

We are together tho live in our own units, and he works his program and I mine. I know that if he so much as sniffs a beer, I will cut him out of my life, and he knows it as well.

Turning the car around and going home was a brave and determined step you took on the way out of the misery you are in, tho of course there is a long haul ahead.

Stay strong for YOU, and know how much you are cared about here.

God bless

CashFan

Mate they never change. Hugs to you, now you got to get tough, and smart. If you arent married, thank your lucky stars for that. Once you're married, a whole different ball court, cos i stuffed up the first time, and lost everything, this time, im not gonna lose everything i worked my guts out for, while supporting drunk hubby number two. Edited to add, yes, i love my second husband, and i loved my first, but really, when does it get better? Its tearing me up cos of my love for my husband, but at the same time, I have had enough, and I am trying very hard to focus on myself, now i raised my son, and he is a happy, successful man now, its now about focusing on my needs, but at the same time being very careful a divorce wont cost me this home, I built and paid mortgage for.

Pelican

Welcome back KeepPedaling! (((hugs)))

We still have room for you on the life-raft of recovery!

suki44883

Yes, take care of YOU and I also suggest not answering his calls. It just keeps you upset. If you can't avoid the temptation to answer, just turn off your phone or block his number. If you don't know he's calling, you won't be tempted to answer. Do something for yourself that you enjoy that will occupy your mind. In other words, give yourself a break!

stella27

I have been missing you! And while I am very sorry for the circumstances, I am glad to have you back among the swimming.

I know it hurts, and I am so sorry you have been enduring all this. ((((hugs)))

keithj

Keeppedaling,

Others are giving you great support and advice on how to keep yourself from going insane with this relationship. I'll offer some advice on how to help your guy, from the recovered alcoholic perspective.

The kindest, most loving thing you can do for him right now is to let him crash. Let him go. Let him fall. That's the greatest act of love you can do. I imagine it won't be easy.

If he is ever going to recover (big IF), all other paths of manipulation and survival must be closed off. As long as he can eke out an existence without recovering, that's what he'll do. Shut down the other paths so that the only one left is single minded focus on recovery. Put him in a position to accept spiritual help by shutting the door on his failing efforts.

KeepPedaling

I talked to him this morning. He has a headache and says he won't drink today. Said he'd call me later. To tell you the truth, I really don't know what to do at this point.

We fought yesterday, I was really hurt and wanted him to be strong and take the reins and be there for me, but he pulled the alcoholic card instead, which trumps any feelings or needs that I have. That's how it works right?

So now I have to work through my own hurt on my own, which is fine. I wish sometimes that I had a boyfriend that I could really lean on when things are tough. But that's just not the way it is.

He's going to be weak and miserable and feel guilty and worry about losing me and all kinds of negative feelings.

Yesterday, I think I cried so hard because I knew my hopes for a life with him were on their way out. I get so sad sometimes and wonder why I can't have a life with him. Why does he have to drink?

I don't feel like crying today. I feel sad but sturdy. I have a lot to do at work to keep me busy. I have a lot to do in general. I guess what I don't want is high drama. I don't want to yell at him. I don't want to break up with him and hear all the promises and negotiating.

I'm just writing what's going through my head right now. There's no real point to my post.

Keith, you said I should let him hit bottom and work it out alone. I did that a few months ago. He drank for the first time after almost two years. I think I didn't see him for 2 full month (not sure). The day he started drinking, I was gone from view. After a few weeks, I was gone entirely. When he got himself back on track, I decided to give it another try. During that time, he told me he would have felt more loved if I would have been there for him. He felt unloved and abandoned when I disappeared.

So I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Maybe I should just be his friend. Maybe I can turn the "in love" off and be a friend, be phone support. I don't think I can do that though. I don't know.

Ugh! What's the big deal about booze? God. It's not even that fun to drink. It makes you feel like crap and act stupid. I don't get it.

tjp613

Either you accept him as he is right now or you move in a different direction -- those are basically your two options.

Pffffft. I know. It sucks. But KP, be grateful!! When I was your age and going thru these choices and decisions I didn't have the wisdom of anything like SR and kept making horrible mistakes over and over and over and over. You have this collective wisdom to help you along. You are smart. I know you'll figure out what's best for YOU -- hopefully sooner rather than later.

((Hugs))

keithj

Keep,

This forum is about helping you, instead of focusing on the alkie. That's the only way that you will get better. But you don't need to get better, right? He's the one with the problem. If only he would get his act together, all would be well. Consider the possibility, Keep, that your thinking is just as delusional as his is.

But you didn't, Keep. He didn't work it out alone. You stepped right back in and gave him an out. A way to get by without working it out.

I'm just pointing out the obvious. He did not get himself back on track, as evidenced by the most recent behavior. But you stepped right back in.

Hmmm, his plan (whether aware of it or not) is working just fine. He keeps drinking. You're the one that seems powerless over it. Regardless of what he does, you keep stepping in, going back, giving it another try.

LaTeeDa

But, your going back to him didn't change him did it? He had your love and support and he still drank, right? He SAYS one thing, but he DOES another. This is why it is so important to pay attention to his actions, not his words.

L

KeepPedaling

Keith - So basically what you're saying is that hoping he'll choose a better path for himself is delusional and one should never do that for an alcoholic, hope? I understand that bailing him out all the time and sacrificing my own emotional well-being is unhealthy. I know I can't do that. He doesn't live with me. I'm financially independent. Own my own home, lots of friends, hobbies, my own life, etc. I'm not "lost" in helping him, if you will. Even if my dreams of being with him are dashed, I wish a happy and healthy life for him. He said he was choosing that, so I gave it another try. He's not choosing that now, so I have to step away again.

But is there never any hope for an alcoholic? Are we ever safe to spend time with them or become emotionally invested in them without being called, "powerless" or "delusional"? I think, from a humanitarian perspective, it's ok to hope for people and give second chances. No one is a lost cause, and I don't think believing that makes me an unwell person. I think it makes me human.