iwantcontrol

it is tickets to something that i bought as a present for valentines day ages ago so i can't really go back on it. I will think about asking him not to drink though - it is annoying it has to b during my me week - could just leave it and see what happens. i doubt he could afford to get drunk anyway but maybe he'll surprise me and not want to drink at all. I wont be drinking, and i wont be going with him at all if he turns up drunk beforehand. I couldn't stand that and i'd rather lose the money. I'm still feeling quite positive despite all the potential pitfalls this week - so that must be a good sign.

iwantcontrol

I just wanted to say that i am on track so far for today - we've spoken on the phone like we do every morning but i am not going to contact him for the rest of the day. He is supposed to let me know how his meeting goes today but if he doesn't my plan is to leave him be. That is going to be soooo hard for me to do as i will be dying of curiosity but i'm going to do it this time. If he gets drunk before it, doesn't go, or gets drunk afterwards i wont know, but if he doesn't call i can assume the worst. if i already set myself up to expect the worst i cant be too disappointed or surprised. I'm writing this on here because otherwise i'm not sure i could go through with it! Now to carry on with my day, focusing on me!

iwantcontrol

having a minor setback - he's phoned a couple of times and i'm pretty sure he's been drinking before his meeting. I didn't ask him or accuse him but i'll be surprised if he even goes to it now, and he certainly wont get much out of it if he's drunk. All those feelings are comind back - the worry, the need to do something, the anger and disappointment. I don't know quite what to do with them. Really struggling right now.

Pelican

Try something different this time.

The past reactions of worry, anger and needing to do something have not worked. They are knee jerk reactions. Just what the alcoholic planned to keep you in line and on the cycle of chaos. Get off the ride! Let the alcoholic handle his appt his way!

Take several deep breaths.

On the long inhale chant: Peace in

On the long exhale chant: Fear out

Repeat for several minutes.

Okay. What can you do now to take care of you?

Are you at work? If so, not a lot of time to worry about A and keep your performance up, right?
This works for me at work: Get a piece of paper and jot down A's name and his crap du jour (briefly) and toss it in your purse or the trash can. Pretend it is your God box. Give him and his crappola to your HP. Dont' try to take it back for the rest of the day. Keep it where it belongs: with a power greater than yourself.

A few more deep breaths. Scrunch your shoulders up around your ears and gently roll them back into the center of your back. Now you are ready to face YOUR DAY! (((hugs)))

Insulated

Act. Don't RE-act.

iwantcontrol

Thanks, i'll try the breathing exercise. I can just see him setting up the excuses for today. I also think he's been lying to me about more than just drinking - it's only a hunch right now but I'm pretty sure. It's not that he's cheating on me (that would be the end), but just lying about normal things.

I've been imagining this morning how it would feel if we weren't together - yes I would miss the good times so much and the connetion I feel with him when he's sober, but to get rid of all this anxiety and worry would be amazing. I know that's the point of detaching, but i don't see how I can be satisfied longterm with a detached relationship where he keeps things from me and I have to work at it so much all the time. It would be a lot easier in the long run to end it soon, and after a time on my own look for a proper relationship where things are equal.

Right now I feel like I would never meet anyone else or be that comfortable with someone else again, but I felt the same way after my longterm relationship ended and then i found this one. I know really I'd be OK (because i've been through losing the person who'll always mean the world to me, although we're still friends) and would maybe meet someone better eventually. it's hard because i'm coming to an age where i want marriage and kids. But then again my ABF isn't going to give me that anytime soon. I just want an easy quiet life. I'm definitely doing some soulsearching today.

Insulated - how do you learn not to react to something that bothers you so much?

Aarrrghhh, I'm so angry at him for continually ruining things and jeopardising our relationship!!!!

GiveLove

In every major relationship I've ever had (and most of them were with people troubled on one level or another) I've stayed past the point of what was good for me because of this very thought. That I'd never again find someone with whom I'd "click," that this was my last chance.

It's a funny little self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it? Because yes, it's true, as long as you stay in this damaging, stressful relationship, then no, you won't find someone.

Each relationship I've had has been an improvement on the last, showing me more about myself and my needs & dreams. Try to think of it as opening yourself to the possibility that there may be a better life for you out there somewhere, but you have to let go of this one that takes up all of your time and energy first.

It's a risk, I know I was worried sick to let go. But it now feels absolutely right, like looking back at a near-car-wreck and thanking the universe that you didn't go that way, didn't take a certain action.......tremendous relief, gratitude, and faith.

Wishing this for you some day, iwc, but this morning, wishing you peace.

stella27

I struggle, too, iwc. That's why I post and read like crazy - to keep my hands off the Alcoholic.

I am in a bad situation with my AH right now - and all I want to do is call every member of his family and say "What the He$%???" and have them affirm to me that yes, he is crazy, and yes, I am right, and then what?

Nobody can do anything about my stress, fear and anxiety except ME. I have to be fit for myself to live with and when I am worrying over him all the time, I am a disaster of a mother, friend and not even good company for myself.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I know it's hard to detach and stop worrying over them and every little move they do or don't make. It must take practice, because I know it's not automatic.

Cowgirl1265

One step at a time, Iwant, one step at a time. Keep it up, you'll be amazed how far you can go!

iwantcontrol

just a quick catch up - it all went pear-shaped yesterday and he was indeed lying to me. He eventually admitted it, although i knew all along really. I'm finding it hard today - he's totally out of control (his words) and he doesn't know how to fix it. Hoping he's finding some help today but i think he's drinking again. My ME week isn't going that well. His behaviour still affects me so deeply. I don't know how to switch that off. Hope other people are doing better than me today!

stella27

You can't switch it off. You can just mentally envision a stopsign when he starts taking over your thoughts.

And your ME week can get back on track. Start right this minute and so something nice for yourself. If you can't do it right now, go ahead and plan it now and then schedule it so you don't back out.

Have you considered that it might be Respectful of you to back off and let him sort through his problems by himself without meddling in them? Can you think of it as Honoring him by letting him be his own man? Just for this one day?

iwantcontrol

i think reducing contact is the way forward. i've already planned things to do without him - i do need to work on enjoying them though without worrying about him. its the not knowing i hate - i can cope much better when i know for sure he is drinking than i can when he is denying it (when i know he probably is saying that with a drink in hand) or i cant get hold of him.

Me week is getting back on track. thank you.

Insulated

how do you learn not to react to something that bothers you so much?

The idea of consciously acting rather than unconsciously reacting. Think about before speak. I'm still working on it myself. But generally, now I take a 3 day cool down period and then address the issue with a cool head and more defined thoughts.

iwantcontrol

i've never been able to leave things alone - i'm always reacting and i dont rest until i have done everything i can. it is going to be tough relearning another way, just like it is tough for my ABF to find another way of coping. You'd think that maybe that could bring us closer as we share a similar problem, but he can successfully detach from me and doesn't really want to know about my codependency problem at all. I don't think he equates it on anywhere near the same level as he puts his own problems, and as i've said before, he is very self-indulged.

I've not heard from him in 3 hours since he last sent me a message and i replied. That means he's probably drinking. I'm still at work right now but i'm determined not to let it affect my evening. I don't have any big plans for tonight except that i'm going to do exactly what i feel like doing - and something productive. It sounds a little daft but when i split from my longterm partner last year i started making a 'me' book - full of clippings of things i enjoy, people i admire and fitness/nutrition tips etc - for motivation and to make me feel good. Since i've been with my ABF I haven't added to my book at all so i may do some of that tonight - it helps flicking through it occassionally, and now i can add some quotes from this site too!

I never realised that i had codependency issues until a few months ago but it explains a lot about my behaviour in past relationship. I hope i can put everything to good use and improve myself. It feels hard to do while i'm in this relationship which is why i'm considering taking a mental step back from my ABF. If i try to think of our relationship without the promise of a future, so it is something to enjoy now when i can, rather than spending all my time alone (i.e. i get some needs met but i don't expect others to be met at all, and i don't expect it to go anywhere), maybe detaching will be easier. Is this a healthy way of looking at things? If it goes anywhere and he gets help, that's great, but if he doesn't i'll be ok and i wasn't expecting it to be forever.

FindingPeace1

Daft? How about FABULOUS! I had forgotten that once, when I was in a work slump I made one about my career (and anything else that inspired me)! I called it my inspiration book. I went and dug it up from its hiding place. I'm going to start a new post with quotes!

iwantcontrol

glad i reminded you! I like the title - my inspiration book - i might steal that from you!!

Lotus2009

I LOVE the idea of a "ME" book. I think I am actually going to start one, too! Great way to keep the focus on yourself! THANK YOU for sharing your idea !!!