Restless and sad- looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Restless and sad- looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
It has been another hard week for me. I am still quite restless about my situation despite the quiet. I have been contemplating the idea that my RAH might actually be leaving me for good - a thought that never crossed my mind.
I thought about him caring for someone else, no hope of ever being with me again, and while we have had a rocky past, I would like to think that the worst is behind us and that there is a reason for it all. That I would get my happy ending after all.( not the perfect one but who gets that anyway) A realization that I have no control over.
I guess the realization hurt me when i think of how I have been loyal (as my therapist puts it) to my H. I wish there were more people in recovery to shed light perhaps on things.
Don't know what is in store. I am still working on me and boy it is painful. What I have difficulty seeing is the light at the end of the tunnel and I know the tunnel is there b/c I am in it - but it is so dark in here. Funny that I can see the light for others but not for me.
I thought about him caring for someone else, no hope of ever being with me again, and while we have had a rocky past, I would like to think that the worst is behind us and that there is a reason for it all. That I would get my happy ending after all.( not the perfect one but who gets that anyway) A realization that I have no control over.
I guess the realization hurt me when i think of how I have been loyal (as my therapist puts it) to my H. I wish there were more people in recovery to shed light perhaps on things.
Don't know what is in store. I am still working on me and boy it is painful. What I have difficulty seeing is the light at the end of the tunnel and I know the tunnel is there b/c I am in it - but it is so dark in here. Funny that I can see the light for others but not for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Funny that I can see the light for others but not for me.
You are not the only one who feels that way. It is always easier to have positive thoughts about anothers situation rather than our own.
I can say I feel exactly the way you do. The difference being my XA did have a "happy ending" with someone else. And i'm left to work on me. Which I needed.
But there is no hope of a reconciliation between he and I. I wanted there to be, but no. There's too much pain involved with his actions towards me, and the lies.
There is pain when I think about him caring for someone else. A lot. There is pain when I know the facts about how he treats he in comparison to how he treated me. It's like night and day.
But when I have those thoughts, I quickly adjust and change my train of thought to remember that it is NOT how he treats someone else, it is how he treated ME that matters. And how he treated me is inexcusable. I can't compare myself to anyone else. He is doing just what A's do.... surrounding himself with people who can help his addiction manifest even more so. It has nothing to do with me. ...and repeat to myself.
I guess the realization hurt me when i think of how I have been loyal (as my therapist puts it)
I talk to my therapist about exactly the same thing. I was loyal to him, I was willing to do anything to make him happy and make sure he was ok. And he never cared at all. He dropped me like a hot potato...no like a scorching hot potato!
Ouch!!
My therapist, and even people here have said, and rightly so.... that I should not regret what I put into the relationship. That says so much about me, and how much I care. What a big heart I have. And it says the same about you.
I don't regret how much I cared about him. But I do regret not walking away sooner. That is the only thing, not accepting the red flags for what they were early on. Huge red neon flags waving in my face.
If anything, the most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive MYSELF...not anyone else, for sticking around.
Do you feel you have a difficult time forgiving yourself?
I don't know if I can shed any light, but my feelings about things sound very similar to yours. I have been grieving for almost 6 months now. But I can say that I am past the days where I am curled up on the couch crying....never wanting to get up.
I can say that there is pain, but not as much as there once was. I am learning to accept that it is what it is.
I can say that though I had a setback last week after he reached out to me, resurfacing the feelings I had, that my recovery from that pain has come much quicker. To me, that is such a positive sign! That I am healing. That I don't dwell. That I am moving on.
The best thing for me was to allow myself to feel the feelings that I was feeling at the time. All of them. Especially the pain. If I thought I wanted to cry, I let myself. I let the pain flow out of me. I can say with certainty, every time, that after I cried, I felt better.
Feel everything you need to feel...and know that there IS a light at the end of this dark tunnel for you.
You are not the only one who feels that way. It is always easier to have positive thoughts about anothers situation rather than our own.
I can say I feel exactly the way you do. The difference being my XA did have a "happy ending" with someone else. And i'm left to work on me. Which I needed.
But there is no hope of a reconciliation between he and I. I wanted there to be, but no. There's too much pain involved with his actions towards me, and the lies.
There is pain when I think about him caring for someone else. A lot. There is pain when I know the facts about how he treats he in comparison to how he treated me. It's like night and day.
But when I have those thoughts, I quickly adjust and change my train of thought to remember that it is NOT how he treats someone else, it is how he treated ME that matters. And how he treated me is inexcusable. I can't compare myself to anyone else. He is doing just what A's do.... surrounding himself with people who can help his addiction manifest even more so. It has nothing to do with me. ...and repeat to myself.
I guess the realization hurt me when i think of how I have been loyal (as my therapist puts it)
I talk to my therapist about exactly the same thing. I was loyal to him, I was willing to do anything to make him happy and make sure he was ok. And he never cared at all. He dropped me like a hot potato...no like a scorching hot potato!
Ouch!!
My therapist, and even people here have said, and rightly so.... that I should not regret what I put into the relationship. That says so much about me, and how much I care. What a big heart I have. And it says the same about you.
I don't regret how much I cared about him. But I do regret not walking away sooner. That is the only thing, not accepting the red flags for what they were early on. Huge red neon flags waving in my face.
If anything, the most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive MYSELF...not anyone else, for sticking around.
Do you feel you have a difficult time forgiving yourself?
I don't know if I can shed any light, but my feelings about things sound very similar to yours. I have been grieving for almost 6 months now. But I can say that I am past the days where I am curled up on the couch crying....never wanting to get up.
I can say that there is pain, but not as much as there once was. I am learning to accept that it is what it is.
I can say that though I had a setback last week after he reached out to me, resurfacing the feelings I had, that my recovery from that pain has come much quicker. To me, that is such a positive sign! That I am healing. That I don't dwell. That I am moving on.
The best thing for me was to allow myself to feel the feelings that I was feeling at the time. All of them. Especially the pain. If I thought I wanted to cry, I let myself. I let the pain flow out of me. I can say with certainty, every time, that after I cried, I felt better.
Feel everything you need to feel...and know that there IS a light at the end of this dark tunnel for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i don't know if i'll get a version of a happy ending yet, either. what a dear, close friend said to me once was "i don't know what the future holds for you and A. but i do know that he's forever changed by you being in his life. forever. plain and simple" it was in a discussion about me doing some sacrificing, if that's ok, how much, etc.
my therapist, who also knows A, said a similar thing. we do have effect over other people. sometimes we don't know which path we're supposed to turn and walk down. but when we're in a place, we are there for a reason, and sometimes i think the divine, the universe, the lifes-a-great-teacher, are what put us there. you - and i - are where we are meant to be.
my therapist, who also knows A, said a similar thing. we do have effect over other people. sometimes we don't know which path we're supposed to turn and walk down. but when we're in a place, we are there for a reason, and sometimes i think the divine, the universe, the lifes-a-great-teacher, are what put us there. you - and i - are where we are meant to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Wow, coffedrinker - I like that thinking - therapist did call the relationship therapeutic for my RAH, but not so with me. Will explore more on that later b/c I do think there is a reason beyond the obvious that we are in each other's lives and I think this morning I really got it. Not an answer but something to look at for me.
Kittyboo, love what you shared. I spent 8 months last year separated until RAH got sober, didn't expect to spend this year separated. So it really has been way long a time for me to go through this grieving on/off again.
I didn't expect recovery to come and for him to decide this wasn't working? WTF! excuse me everyone! Does he not understand that we had nothing in common b/c he liked to drink more than having a life. Now that he is discovering that there is a life -that it takes hard work - why wouldn't you want to do that with the person who has been there? Just MHO.
Kittyboo, love what you shared. I spent 8 months last year separated until RAH got sober, didn't expect to spend this year separated. So it really has been way long a time for me to go through this grieving on/off again.
I didn't expect recovery to come and for him to decide this wasn't working? WTF! excuse me everyone! Does he not understand that we had nothing in common b/c he liked to drink more than having a life. Now that he is discovering that there is a life -that it takes hard work - why wouldn't you want to do that with the person who has been there? Just MHO.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 22
I am obsessing about if i'll have a happy ending or not, or rather if i have to adjust what i think my happy ending is, or should be. The further this situation goes, the less i can see how we could reconcile - and to be honest, i don't think she wants to, i think she's just too scared to cut ties, trying to make it so bad for me that i do all the work for her. trying to detach, very hard, so much invested in this relationship, so many years, up until 7 weeks ago, so many great times, memories, nothing bad i can think of. And now this monster of 7 weeks, i cannot imagine who she is, or how we can fix this, and i keep thinking that i bend over backwards to accommodate her every whim now, and there is no consideration given for me and my feelings, no give on her part, and i wonder what the hell is wrong with me, and how long i'll put up with this. it's only been 7 weeks as compared to 16 1/2 years, but it's been a hell of a long 7 weeks.
Best of luck to everyone, including me :-)
Best of luck to everyone, including me :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi (t),
I am not as concerned with the happy outcome as I am in getting to a point where I am able to make a good decision for myself. My RAH also tries to put the decision of a D on me - my reply to him was that he could follow on that action if that is what he wants - he doesn't need my consent to do so.
I think that is the point to learn here - what do we want, what makes sense and how do we get there? I was just having a bad day on the journey.
I am not as concerned with the happy outcome as I am in getting to a point where I am able to make a good decision for myself. My RAH also tries to put the decision of a D on me - my reply to him was that he could follow on that action if that is what he wants - he doesn't need my consent to do so.
I think that is the point to learn here - what do we want, what makes sense and how do we get there? I was just having a bad day on the journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I've learned that when I am restless and anxious, it's almost always because I am trying to force a desired outcome. I'm not living in the now, but rather in the uncertainty of the future. And, I've also learned that when I feel that way, the best thing I can do is stop worrying about it (whatever it is) and get on with living my life.
I want answers and I want them NOW. This is how I operate. Learning to have patience is a daily struggle for me. But, the answers rarely come when I want them to. They do come, however.
L
I want answers and I want them NOW. This is how I operate. Learning to have patience is a daily struggle for me. But, the answers rarely come when I want them to. They do come, however.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
LTD - In part I would like to effect a certain outcome -but this time i am hoping to avoid a percieved negative one. The snowstorm upset me when I had to do all the shoveling - it was hard - and I was feeling sorry for myself. Even started thinking about selling the house and moving into an apt just to stop worrying about the responsibility. Your point is well taken as always. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Ah, snow shoveling=no fun! I had a similar "thing" going on when my husband and I were in limbo, too. Mine was firewood. Our house had wood heat. I so resented hauling wood, chopping kindling, etc. I was angry at him because, dammit, that was HIS job. And he wasn't there to do it, so I had to!
Once I let go of the resentment, I found I had other choices. I had a heater installed so I no longer had to rely on wood for heat. No more resentment.
Can you get a neighborhood teenager to shovel snow for you for spending money? Get yourself one of those snowblowers? Maybe moving to an apartment deserves some serious consideration? Try to think of solutions that don't involve him doing what you want. You'll be amazed at the choices you have.
L
Once I let go of the resentment, I found I had other choices. I had a heater installed so I no longer had to rely on wood for heat. No more resentment.
Can you get a neighborhood teenager to shovel snow for you for spending money? Get yourself one of those snowblowers? Maybe moving to an apartment deserves some serious consideration? Try to think of solutions that don't involve him doing what you want. You'll be amazed at the choices you have.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
Now that he is discovering that there is a life -that it takes hard work - why wouldn't you want to do that with the person who has been there? Just MHO.
Last edited by BuffaloGal; 02-08-2010 at 05:52 PM. Reason: grammar!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Well, now that I have another couple of feet of snow to shovel I will be thinking more about what I need to do. There isn't anyone looking for the job - money is tight so buying something is difficult right now. I will do it myself while I can and work on reducing the resentment - it zaps my energy anyway.
I was thinking about what I want to do for me about the living situation. This is the first time I really thought about it from this perspective - I am tired of the responsibility- I am tired of something always needing a repair- of paying others to take care of things and I am have not had many happy memories here. I wanted it after the first marriage ended for the kids and for some security. With the kids gone and husband #2 not sure if he wants this I want to do what i need to do- Last spring I looked into downsizing - this time I want to be comfortable. I also know I don't have to make any sudden decisions so I will take my time to find what I can be comfortable with.
I was thinking about what I want to do for me about the living situation. This is the first time I really thought about it from this perspective - I am tired of the responsibility- I am tired of something always needing a repair- of paying others to take care of things and I am have not had many happy memories here. I wanted it after the first marriage ended for the kids and for some security. With the kids gone and husband #2 not sure if he wants this I want to do what i need to do- Last spring I looked into downsizing - this time I want to be comfortable. I also know I don't have to make any sudden decisions so I will take my time to find what I can be comfortable with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
OK My neighbors must think that I am officially crazy! It is midnight and I was outside shoveling snow - already 3-4 inches or more that is why I didn't wait until the morning lull.
Trying not to be resentful that everyone else gets to be cozy in bed and not worry about the shoveling b/c they are all young or have kids at home who can do the work.
I can't help but to feel some resentment. Not apologizing nor condoning - just venting!
Trying not to be resentful that everyone else gets to be cozy in bed and not worry about the shoveling b/c they are all young or have kids at home who can do the work.
I can't help but to feel some resentment. Not apologizing nor condoning - just venting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Your post made me smile. How often I have done things that others would deem totally crazy! But, you are not crazy. You are doing what needs to be done. And tomorrow, you will have less snow to move than they will. Ha!
Also, I think it's excellent that you are thinking about downsizing and making your life more comfortable for YOU. Regardless of what HE does. You will get there Kassie, I know you will. Keep shoveling, lol. Literally and figuratively.........
L
Also, I think it's excellent that you are thinking about downsizing and making your life more comfortable for YOU. Regardless of what HE does. You will get there Kassie, I know you will. Keep shoveling, lol. Literally and figuratively.........
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I just have to share something that happened today at work - I had to deal with someone who was very intoxicated - not something usual and before I even saw the person - I had several calls from co-workers about his condition. I saw him, calmed him down, and resolved the situation.
Afterwards, I thought about how he reminded my of how my RAH was when drinking. (STill have to process that one) and how easy it was for me to do to the amazement of others. Later in the day, someone called me into their office, she told me she was sharing the story of what happened earlier in the day with another co-worker - who turned out to be my RAH! We didn't have any eye contact and I just imagine what he might be thinking just as he had to know what I wanted to say but didn't.
All day I wanted to tell people that I knew how to deal with the person b/c I lived with someone just like that everyday. And the person who was like that is the very person at work who is considered Mr Nice Buy who everyone adores and tells me how much they appreciate his good nature.
No one knows what I we went through in the past five years and why we are the happily ever after couple that everyone thought.
Sometimes I wish I could tell them,
but then I realize that would only be for my benefit and I really don't want to take away from him something that gives him value in his mind.
Thanks for listening. Just wanted to get that off my mind.
Afterwards, I thought about how he reminded my of how my RAH was when drinking. (STill have to process that one) and how easy it was for me to do to the amazement of others. Later in the day, someone called me into their office, she told me she was sharing the story of what happened earlier in the day with another co-worker - who turned out to be my RAH! We didn't have any eye contact and I just imagine what he might be thinking just as he had to know what I wanted to say but didn't.
All day I wanted to tell people that I knew how to deal with the person b/c I lived with someone just like that everyday. And the person who was like that is the very person at work who is considered Mr Nice Buy who everyone adores and tells me how much they appreciate his good nature.
No one knows what I we went through in the past five years and why we are the happily ever after couple that everyone thought.
Sometimes I wish I could tell them,
but then I realize that would only be for my benefit and I really don't want to take away from him something that gives him value in his mind. Thanks for listening. Just wanted to get that off my mind.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
