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Old 02-06-2010, 10:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
sparklinbluz's Avatar

Join Date: May 2009
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My first post - I am so angry & hurt

Until last week I was in a 8 year relationship with a caring, funny, hardworking, soft spoken alcoholic who has been sober for about 10 months now. Of course I fell in love with him because of the things mentioned above. When we first met he was drinking Oduls you would think a red flag would of hit me in the head but even though I was 42 at the time I had not much experience with alcoholism. The increase with drinking was gradual and I drink so it started with us sharing a bottle of wine. At first are times together were wonderful we have alot in common liked to do the same things. I fell in love and was loved back for the first time in my life. So now I am in love with this man and his drinking was getting worse. I was not a everyday drinker but I did enjoy my wine and found myself starting to drink right along with him. I never drank to his extent but I would have couple three a night I know when to stop and he didnt. I babysat him for the majority of our relationship when he would go to far - hide keys change sheets stop him from acting like a fool and he would black out you would think he would pass out but he wouldnt strange. It wasnt like this on week nights but on more weekends than not. He worked so hard at his job to get a better position and he only got taken advantage of I felt so bad for him. Of course his drinking chipped away at our relationship and I started to get disgusted with him but I still loved him dearly because of the sober man I knew he could be. My family and I had interventions - we decided we would only drink on the weekends we tried everything nothing worked of course. The last straw was when he passed out in the bathroom with his pants down to his ankles and my daughter and her friends saw this. I knew I had to tell him to leave it was heartbreaking but I couldnt take it anymore. So next day I said rehab or leave he chose rehab. I am so proud of him for being sober for 10 months now and I wouldnt want that to change for anything. I thought everything will be ok now boy was I wrong. I decided I could still be a social drinker and go to my friends and have some wine and this would be fine. He never said please dont drink to me until recently. I look back on this and this was wrong of me to do. Our relationship was in such a shamble I had no clue how to start improving it. He asked me to not drink anymore I couldnt picture myself never being able to have a drink with dinner or wine with friends. I only drink on Friday or Sat nite. When he stopped drinking he became a different person he was never around he kept so busy and I felt he didnt want to work on our relationship we hardly talked. Everytime I ask him a question I would get a AA answer. He never opened up to me. He decided even though he "loves me to death" he had to find himself for the first time in his life. So he left me at the worst time possible. I say this because we have both been unemployed for a year due to layoffs and have not been able to find employment. Our income changed drastically but our bills did not. Now I am fighting to keep a roof over my daughter and my head. He left me with a sky high electric bill and facing eviction. He gets to start his new life and I am stuck with the old one. Isnt this just so honorable of him. My daughter is crushed she is 19 and considers him her Dad her real Dad hasnt been around since she was 3 years old. I put up with his drinking for years and now he just bails! He said maybe we can be together again down the road I cant live on that. He acts like he isnt phased by this why isnt he showing any sadness over this? He said he has cried plenty about this decision why cant he show this to me. I am so angry at him and hurt. He came back yesterday to get more of his things and I felt my anger start building up again so I started gathering his things and he said I am not going to take that today. He thinks he can just come and go oh no so I started putting his things outside told him you need to get all your stuff and leave the house keys I cant see you for awhile it opens up wounds everytime I see you this is not fair to me. I really wanted to punch him and scream! But I am not a violent person. I know our relationship was broken before this if we had health insurance maybe we could of gone to counseling to help us. We do love each other but so much has happened against us. My son just moved out he moved out and my daughter is never home. I will soon be alone, I do go to college and have close friends and family but my heart and home is empty. Sorry so long but I had to get this out. Thank you for listening
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Old 02-07-2010, 05:35 AM   #2 (permalink)

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Wow, there's a lot in your post. My husband is in recovery, and it is no walk in the park, that's for sure. I was just thinking this am that putting our marriage back together is so much work, I wonder if one of us will quit. He's more of a quitter than I am, and I can just see him calling it quits. Before I read your post I was thinking of posting a thread "Recovery stinks", to see who else has encountered a lot of pain in the process.

I'm a big fan of Al Anon. The Connecticut Al Anon has its meetings listed on line (I also live in CT).

Welcome to SR, so sorry for your pain. Keep coming here, and consider Al Anon if you haven't already.
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Old 02-07-2010, 06:31 AM   #3 (permalink)

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I don't think that is a responsible AA way to handle things at all! Walking out on bills without talking with you and working out an agreement that covers both of your needs. I will say that isn't love as I understand love. I would be (and have been when my X decided a year and 1/2 ago that he was walking away) very outraged, hurt....felt like hanging/shooting/drowning him (as an X-professor used to jokingly say. And I have the sick feeling that you may not get child support?
I wouldn't want him to sail in and out of the house and be around me either.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Please do whatever you need to to protect yourself in this situation.
You might take him to small claims for his share of the bills??
Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

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Old 02-07-2010, 06:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Can you not give him his things until he settles the bills?
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Old 02-07-2010, 07:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself.

I see that you joined the forum about 9 months ago. Are you familiar with the sticky posts at the top of this page? You can find lots of wisdom and hope there by reading about some of our experiences.

Please continue to reach out for support during this difficult time. Ending a relationship is similar to grieving the loss of a loved one.

I experienced anger, depressions, denial, bargaining, and finally acceptance when I ended my marriage to an active alcoholic. The emotions come in waves and no particular order, sometimes it feels like they come all at once. A friend advised me to be sure I reach out for help if I find myself stuck in one of the phases. That was sound advice.
"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Trina Paulus
Hope for the Flowers
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hello Sparklinbluz,

I have no idea what it must be like to have children involved in a situation like this, but here's my experience...

My boyfriend of 3 years left me a few months after he started recovery. Except, he didnt tell me he had moved on. When he was pulling away, i figured it was because of AA and this is only ever what he told me it was - that he was focusing on the program. When i finally realized that he had moved on and was seeing someone else (we were technically on a break but trying to work things out) i was comepletely shocked and couldn't believe how callous and uncaring he seemed - how quickly he could cut the ties. He wouldn't give me answers when I asked. I was devestated and SO SO SO confused. I couldn't wrap my head around it. It make no sense and I felt completely betrayed - for a long time. What helped me was reading up on codependency, and working on my own issues.

I decided to not talk to him at all - i removed him from my life. UNTIL.... after many many months of no contact he started to contact me again saying that he made a mistake and that he distanced himself from me because he wanted to get away from his drinking days and felt he needed to explore his life in a fresh way. that seems to be the same thing your husband has told you... and it sucks. What i realized though is that sometimes people in recovery make hasty decisions and get caught up in this idealized version of life, or the selves that they think will come with sobriety. I have doubts that, my ex anyway, consistently feels one way towards things. I think he has a lot of issues and feelings that he had burried for years and is afraid to face them. And even though he sent me this huge emotional email telling me everything i wanted to hear, i am STILL unsure of his true intentions and still SO SO SO confused. What I can tell though, is that our situation does affect him and that he does feel a LOT more than what I originally thought he did about the situation and i have no doubt that your husband does too. I think people in sobriety need space, and will make many mistakes just like they consistently did in their drunk days.

I am not saying it's okay for them to act this way. But it was also not okay for them to be active alcoholics either. I'm just saying that I realized that it's unrealistic to expect complete and total understanding/revelations/maturity from people who, before they were sober, demonstrated little of those qualities.

The task for you is that, knowing what his current decisions are, how are you going to be responsible for your life now? personally, i had to learn to be okay with the idea of life without him. and it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life, but i am so glad i did it. i became more in tune with the impermanence of everything our lives are built up with and it somehow gave me a completely new perspective towards significant others and what i need to be happy.

im sorry if this was a bit rambling - i wish you all the best, and i truly feel for you - be gentle with yourself, and take care of yourself. there's a lot of support out there, and this board is filled with intelligent and caring people who can help you weather this storm
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Old 02-07-2010, 10:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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i think "changeishard" has some very good, and useful insights.

the first thing i thought when i read "Everytime I ask him a question I would get a AA answer" was that maybe you should change your perspective and try and be glad he is trying to fully live AA now. but then i kept reading. (i only put that here because i think there is a perspective that you might gain help from having)

i think it's fairly common for someone still pretty fresh into recovery to have this new lease on life, and - being the impulsive people they are - jump into something before it's time. this is why they are cautioned to not make any major decisions while still in that first year.

the second thing that struck me was that, even though you don't HAVE to give up drinking, it would be the decent thing to do. but, you've already come to that realization it seems. he may have seen that a non-supportive action, and either not named it, or didn't think he was "supposed to" bring it up. water under the bridge now i guess.

at this point: think about what some of your personal boundaries could be, such as: i do not want you coming to MY HOME whenever you wish to; it's upsetting. and expectation could be that he pays for his share of the bills - what they were when he left. can he suggest a payment plan? i do like the idea of keeping his stuff until...but perhaps you want him to be out so you can start to move on.
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Old 02-07-2010, 03:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Not the actions of someone who has the AA message correctly sorted out.
Making recovery an A's first priority does not mean ignoring all other responsibilities, it means that recovery is TOP of the list. Your man seems to think it means he can just toss everything away, including you and his own bills and debts.

What is he waiting for? Til he gets to the step for Making Amends?

Frankly, I would make a list of his share of the debts and tell him that before he goes, I EXPECT he will settle those debts, otherwise I will have to take legal action.

He could be reminded that one of the tenets of AA and recovery programs is "accepting responsibility for what belongs to us".

I hope he comes up with settlement, and that you use everything you have, to get thru what is a damned hard time for you.

God bless
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