a plan for leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
a plan for leaving
I talked to my mom today.
I told her how conversations have been going with AH (hellish, on the whole).
She pushed for me to create a plan for leaving. Not that I'd need it or would choose to use it, but just to have it. To give me options.
It wasn't till I got off the phone with her that I realized she used to work at a DV safehouse. She had her DV hat on (not that my husband is IN ANY WAY physically abusive). But, how interesting that my stories of his mind games (unintentional as they may be) made her nervous.
So I going to work on that next week.
How I'd separate.
When I'd separate.
I'm not saying I WILL (I pout lip defensively)! Nobody can MAKE me (I stomps my foot petulantly, hands on hip)!
I'm just keeping my options open.
Taking it a day at a time.
I told her how conversations have been going with AH (hellish, on the whole).
She pushed for me to create a plan for leaving. Not that I'd need it or would choose to use it, but just to have it. To give me options.
It wasn't till I got off the phone with her that I realized she used to work at a DV safehouse. She had her DV hat on (not that my husband is IN ANY WAY physically abusive). But, how interesting that my stories of his mind games (unintentional as they may be) made her nervous.
So I going to work on that next week.
How I'd separate.
When I'd separate.
I'm not saying I WILL (I pout lip defensively)! Nobody can MAKE me (I stomps my foot petulantly, hands on hip)!
I'm just keeping my options open.
Taking it a day at a time.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Wifeofadrinker-
good for you!
You're going to be AMAZED at how much relief comes
when you have your plan.
I'm so glad to read that.
I tell people to do that all the time
and I'm sure they think
I'm some sort of manhater woman
and I'm not.
but I know first hand the FREEDOM and peace of mind
that comes from knowing there's a way out.
good for you!
You're going to be AMAZED at how much relief comes
when you have your plan.
I'm so glad to read that.
I tell people to do that all the time
and I'm sure they think
I'm some sort of manhater woman
and I'm not.
but I know first hand the FREEDOM and peace of mind
that comes from knowing there's a way out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Yea.
First it was telling myself I could feel my feelings and would not expect myself to take action on them.
That gave me permission to start recognizing how I was feeling.
(And began inching me toward thinking this may not work for me.)
Then it is telling myself that just because I make a plan for leaving doesn't mean I have to leave.
Baby steps.
First it was telling myself I could feel my feelings and would not expect myself to take action on them.
That gave me permission to start recognizing how I was feeling.
(And began inching me toward thinking this may not work for me.)
Then it is telling myself that just because I make a plan for leaving doesn't mean I have to leave.
Baby steps.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
It also doesn't have to mean
you go all belligerent and hostile either.
Things can remain the same.
This is your new hobby, is all.
Maybe your mom can give you an outline of what to think of?
And have handled?
you go all belligerent and hostile either.
Things can remain the same.
This is your new hobby, is all.
Maybe your mom can give you an outline of what to think of?
And have handled?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I too have a plan!....its not complete yet and it changes at times but I do have a starting plan.....whether or not I will actually leave is another matter.....But I feel after hanging out her with my SR "Family".....that I am starting to see a path that I can go along and make choices......choices that are good choices for me....and my beautiful children.
I am enjoying giving myself permission to focus on myself and I enjoy knowing that that is ok to do!! I have focused far too long on him and his alcoholism in weeks months years that it almost swallowed me up!! WHOLE!!
I still stuff up at times but the overall picture is looking more colourful by the day for me......so lets take one day at a time and one moment at a time if needed........SR keeps me sane! You Take care and all the very best with your plan....Phiz
I am enjoying giving myself permission to focus on myself and I enjoy knowing that that is ok to do!! I have focused far too long on him and his alcoholism in weeks months years that it almost swallowed me up!! WHOLE!!
I still stuff up at times but the overall picture is looking more colourful by the day for me......so lets take one day at a time and one moment at a time if needed........SR keeps me sane! You Take care and all the very best with your plan....Phiz
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Maybe your mom, being a mom combined with her experiences, detects something in your conversation that compelled her to give that advise. Physical abuse isn't necessarily what she's suggesting perhaps. Maybe the psychological, mental, emotional, spritual abuse? It may also be her maternal way of putting up a boundary with you...like quit complaining and get a plan to take care of yourself? A plan is a great idea. No one needs to know. Mine was in the trunk of my car and off premises in a drop safe. Glad I had one! It brought me a sense of real security. I also have enough funds to buy a plane ticket out of state any time because mine was an alcoholic, addict, bipolar and a stalker. The plan brought me peace just knowing it was there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
wife, make sure you have a seperate bank account, for when you are ready to leave. You can even ask your mother to hold cash for you if you are worried about him discovering a new account. A plan is good, even if you arent ready to go yet, have one anyhow. my first AH was very abusive, and I fled with nothing but the clothes on our backs. this time around, Im prepared for the worst.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Wife... many years ago, when I was 20, I wasn't happy in my relationship. This guy was not a drinker or anything of that sort, but I just wasn't happy. Because I was so young and money was so different then (Jeez I sound like a grandma reliving a story of back in the day!) Anyway, because I was so young, I started to keep a jar one of those huge gallon size jars, I duct taped it closed all the way around so I couldn't see inside, and every day I put money in it. Tips back then. Some days 3 or 4 dollars, some days just change, once or twice a $20.00 bill. That alone, gave me the courage to see that it was time for me to leave. When I decided to leave, I had $84.00 in the jar. I left on that. I was only $20.00 so I used it for gas and food to get back home and stayed with family for 2 months until I had the right money to move out on my own.
Sometimes, the plan itself helps you realize that you ARE ready. I'm not saying that will happen for you, because in my current situation, I have a plan already and it doesn't make me want to go. In fact, I had the opposite feeling when I made my plans, I felt it's not time to leave.
Who knows what will happen with you, but I strongly support having an escape plan, it really will help you see more clearly where you're at!!!! GOOD LUCK.
Sometimes, the plan itself helps you realize that you ARE ready. I'm not saying that will happen for you, because in my current situation, I have a plan already and it doesn't make me want to go. In fact, I had the opposite feeling when I made my plans, I felt it's not time to leave.
Who knows what will happen with you, but I strongly support having an escape plan, it really will help you see more clearly where you're at!!!! GOOD LUCK.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
When I began to think about leaving (even though I "knew" it would never happen) I took steps to get my own bank accounts, build up an emergency fund he didn't know about, get completely out of debt dime by dime, and make sure I had reliable transportation and a source of income.
I justified it this way: Even if I stayed (which of course I would!
) I would be out of debt, feel better about myself, and have some money put away just for me. Plus, I would know that I was staying because I wanted to, not because I had to in order to be happy.
Best of all worlds, don't you think?
Take little steps that will make you stronger no matter what you decide.
I justified it this way: Even if I stayed (which of course I would!
) I would be out of debt, feel better about myself, and have some money put away just for me. Plus, I would know that I was staying because I wanted to, not because I had to in order to be happy.Best of all worlds, don't you think?
Take little steps that will make you stronger no matter what you decide.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Lots of good advice...I'd like to add: find a safe place for personal items of value to you. You never know how things will go, so think of things in your home that are really important to you then go from there.
When I left my (abusive) ex, I took only what I could fit in my little two door car - basically just clothes. I left behind most things I had been accumulating while we lived together - furniture, dishes, sheets, towels, etc ...and the house itself.
But I had a plan too...part of my plan was to (quietly) remove the stuff that mattered most, that can't be replaced - family pictures, my great-grandmother's china, my son's mementos, the toy box my dad built for me when I was a girl, etc.
I was facing enough in leaving but I felt better knowing I had the important stuff safely waiting for me in a storage shed.
BTW ~ baby steps are what got me where I am today, the important part is to keep taking them and keep taking care of yourself
When I left my (abusive) ex, I took only what I could fit in my little two door car - basically just clothes. I left behind most things I had been accumulating while we lived together - furniture, dishes, sheets, towels, etc ...and the house itself.
But I had a plan too...part of my plan was to (quietly) remove the stuff that mattered most, that can't be replaced - family pictures, my great-grandmother's china, my son's mementos, the toy box my dad built for me when I was a girl, etc.
I was facing enough in leaving but I felt better knowing I had the important stuff safely waiting for me in a storage shed.
BTW ~ baby steps are what got me where I am today, the important part is to keep taking them and keep taking care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
One of the things that kept me in a very difficult and destructive marriage years past when it should have ended was the fear of not knowing how I would leave, not having a plan. I convinced myself time and again that I HAD to stay because of this or that or anothing thing - money, children, family, job, etc.
When I sat down one day and planned out, step by step exactly what I could do to separate and leave (although in truth I asked him to leave), I immediately had an overwhelming and empowering sense of stability, relief and peace of mind.
Having a plan makes a huge difference.
When I sat down one day and planned out, step by step exactly what I could do to separate and leave (although in truth I asked him to leave), I immediately had an overwhelming and empowering sense of stability, relief and peace of mind.
Having a plan makes a huge difference.
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