Living with an alcoholic
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Colora
Posts: 2
Living with an alcoholic
I would like some advice as to what do I do with this intense anger that I feel. My husband always drank but over the last half year switched to Vodka. He goes to a doctor for his back (who gives him pain killers and muscle relaxers), he talked his family practice doctor into giving him something for his nerves and he drinks on top of it. After I left for a couple of months, I came back (due to his begging) and thought he would get better. I was wrong, he is spiraling out of control again. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night and it was good. I just don't know what to do with the intense anger that I feel. He has no emotion and he just doesn't care (when he always did before). He goes to work, he makes promises to come home and then he doesn't. I tell him how this makes me feel, pouring out my emotions, and I get NOTHING in return. I feel like I am the crazy one, full of emotion, pain and hurt. How do you stop the emotional roller coaster? How do you not take it personally when he just doesn't choose to be with you anymore? Any suggestions?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the sober recovery family!
I'm sorry that your husband has chosen alcohol instead of sobriety. It is his life and his choice.
I'm glad you found us and hope you will spend time reading some of the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. The sticky posts contain some of our stories of living with alcoholism, they contain wisdom and hope.
I found Alanon meetings helpful for the face to face support and literature. I also find SR extremely helpful and self-help books beneficial to restoring my sanity and serenity.
In living with my alcoholic, I found his apathy infuriating! I internalized that anger and frustration and became an out of control b**ch. Not the character I planned to be.
I needed to find out what the root of my anger was and how to express it in healthy ways. I am learning that most of my anger is based on personal fears. I need to examine what my fears are before I can face them. I have also found some healthy ways to express my anger (and I taught them to my children). Sometimes I will growl and punch pillows, but for me the most considerate way to express my anger in alone in my car. I can turn up the volume on the stereo and scream, curse and punch the seat.
I remember showing up at an Alanon meeting hoarse from screaming on the ride to the meeting. Much to my surprise, I wasnt the only one hoarse that night! The other alanoid and I enjoyed quite the chuckle when we realized we used the same form of expression for our anger.
It is comforting to know that we are not alone. You are not alone. We are here to support you.
Welcome
I'm sorry that your husband has chosen alcohol instead of sobriety. It is his life and his choice.
I'm glad you found us and hope you will spend time reading some of the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. The sticky posts contain some of our stories of living with alcoholism, they contain wisdom and hope.
I found Alanon meetings helpful for the face to face support and literature. I also find SR extremely helpful and self-help books beneficial to restoring my sanity and serenity.
In living with my alcoholic, I found his apathy infuriating! I internalized that anger and frustration and became an out of control b**ch. Not the character I planned to be.
I needed to find out what the root of my anger was and how to express it in healthy ways. I am learning that most of my anger is based on personal fears. I need to examine what my fears are before I can face them. I have also found some healthy ways to express my anger (and I taught them to my children). Sometimes I will growl and punch pillows, but for me the most considerate way to express my anger in alone in my car. I can turn up the volume on the stereo and scream, curse and punch the seat.
I remember showing up at an Alanon meeting hoarse from screaming on the ride to the meeting. Much to my surprise, I wasnt the only one hoarse that night! The other alanoid and I enjoyed quite the chuckle when we realized we used the same form of expression for our anger.
It is comforting to know that we are not alone. You are not alone. We are here to support you.
Welcome
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. The only good thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Going to AlAnon meetings and coming here is something you can do for yourself. Support and information can be very helpful for you in going thru this. Just remember that it's up to him to want to change, and it seems that right now he doesn't want to change his behavior. Please be good to yourself and try not to engage him in arguing or begging. It won't help him and it won't help you. Set boundaries if you can of what you'll tolerate and what you won't. Don't 'cover up' or make excuses for him.
He may decide to get sober but it's his decision to make.
to SR!
He may decide to get sober but it's his decision to make.
to SR!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
The emotional roller coaster doesn't stop because he is the roller coaster, but you can decide to get off the roller coaster. You can even stand on the platform and watch him, but you'll be amazed what you can see and learn once you're not in the car with him.
I came to a point where I finally learned for once and for all that he did NOT care what I said. I was never going to convince him to see things from my standpoint. He either didn't understand or didn't care how sad I was, how lonely, how devastated, how upset I was, what his drinking was doing to him, what it was doing to me...he did not hear me and it didn't really matter WHY anymore. I just needed to stop wasting my energy on trying to convince him because it wasn't working. In fact, it just made him angry, and it justified his anger (in his mind) because I was such a drag.
So, it's a choice for you to make. You already know who he is. So what role do you choose for yourself?
I came to a point where I finally learned for once and for all that he did NOT care what I said. I was never going to convince him to see things from my standpoint. He either didn't understand or didn't care how sad I was, how lonely, how devastated, how upset I was, what his drinking was doing to him, what it was doing to me...he did not hear me and it didn't really matter WHY anymore. I just needed to stop wasting my energy on trying to convince him because it wasn't working. In fact, it just made him angry, and it justified his anger (in his mind) because I was such a drag.
So, it's a choice for you to make. You already know who he is. So what role do you choose for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome to the family, Williala!
Oh, anger! I am coming to embrace anger. I think of anger like a big, burly body guard that stays with a movie star. The movie star is so busy being a star s/he doesn't notice when something is a threat. The body guard's job is to protect - to notice threats.
We're the movie star. We don't see when our values or needs or boundaries are threatened, but the anger does and lets us know.
My goal is to move more toward ninja status and less like a movie star. To me, a ninja is calm and alert. S/he doesn't need a body guard because s/he is aware. (Not that I don't ever need anger...maybe my analogy is breaking down a bit...
)
I am reading currently, by coincidence, The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner. She says the same thing, that anger is a message to you that you have boundaries you are overlooking. I found Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to be very helpful in defining my feelings and boundaries.
Hugs
w
Oh, anger! I am coming to embrace anger. I think of anger like a big, burly body guard that stays with a movie star. The movie star is so busy being a star s/he doesn't notice when something is a threat. The body guard's job is to protect - to notice threats.
We're the movie star. We don't see when our values or needs or boundaries are threatened, but the anger does and lets us know.
My goal is to move more toward ninja status and less like a movie star. To me, a ninja is calm and alert. S/he doesn't need a body guard because s/he is aware. (Not that I don't ever need anger...maybe my analogy is breaking down a bit...
)I am reading currently, by coincidence, The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner. She says the same thing, that anger is a message to you that you have boundaries you are overlooking. I found Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to be very helpful in defining my feelings and boundaries.
Hugs
w
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Colora
Posts: 2
Thank you so much everyone. I have a lot to learn and read. I appreciate all your suggestions. I will have to learn to guard my heart when he is making promises and has been "good" for a few days. It's just that much more devastating when it happens again. It's just so bizarre to me how different he has become. I would never have expected it to be exactly as STELLA27 describes -- no response to your devastation, loneliness, sadness. Literally, last night I tried to explain it to him in the most compassionate and articulate manner and he just laid there with no response which only served to infuriate me. It's funny that everyone around him has been hurt in one way or another (his own mom and dad, my mom and dad, the children, his friends and yet he seems to be unfazed by it all). Totally oblivious. I am a logical person and perhaps that is the hardest for me to let go -- it just doesn't make any sense at all. Thanks all for your words of encouragement and support. It helps.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
HI Williala!
Welcome.
It's funny that everyone around him has been hurt in one way or another (his own mom and dad, my mom and dad, the children, his friends and yet he seems to be unfazed by it all). Totally oblivious. I am a logical person and perhaps that is the hardest for me to let go -- it just doesn't make any sense at all.
And the longer and harder I try to apply "logical sense" to my alcoholic loved ones the crazier I will get! It took me a long time to get my head around it, but I finally accepted that when my A brothers do (or my A father did) things that hurt me they aren't doing it to me personally...they are just doing what alcoholics do. As family I was often (at first) held hostage to this behavior. But as I educated myself I realized I do not have to take one speck of bad behavior from them. It is my choice. Just because alcohol is in the picture doesn't mean I have to tolerate ridiculous and dangerous behavior. I can choose to protect myself and my property and my peace of mind.
Alcoholism is a family disease, because it can make the non-addicted family members very sick as well. It flourishes in families because of the denial and enabling and shame that ends up uniting everyone in chaos.
The anger increases with intensity as nothing changes - or the situation goes from bad to worse. But as others mentioned - that anger can be the fuel to snap me out of denial and into reality (which is NOT the planet the A lives in).
Only in reality I can begin to properly assess:
Where am I going in life?
Who am I?
Is this how and with whom (just as he is) I want to spend my life?
What are my problems that need fixing?
What are my dreams?
What steps can I begin taking to get my life going in the direction I want.
Because things only began for me when I accepted that I can only ever change myself. If I wake up resentful, angry, ashamed, broken? These are my problems to fix. Doesn't matter where they started or how I came to feel this way - how can I fix it? Do I need to stay away from certain toxic people? Do I need to detach from my expectations of someone else? Have I put my happiness, my mood, in someone else's hands?
It took me a lot of AlAnon and therapy to break free of some bad habits of mind I learned growing up with A father, and dealing with my A brothers. So it takes time and effort - but real change is possible - and real joy and serenity await you once you take your own power and life back and accept that it is the only thing you can control!
peace & glad you're here!
b.
Welcome.
It's funny that everyone around him has been hurt in one way or another (his own mom and dad, my mom and dad, the children, his friends and yet he seems to be unfazed by it all). Totally oblivious. I am a logical person and perhaps that is the hardest for me to let go -- it just doesn't make any sense at all.
And the longer and harder I try to apply "logical sense" to my alcoholic loved ones the crazier I will get! It took me a long time to get my head around it, but I finally accepted that when my A brothers do (or my A father did) things that hurt me they aren't doing it to me personally...they are just doing what alcoholics do. As family I was often (at first) held hostage to this behavior. But as I educated myself I realized I do not have to take one speck of bad behavior from them. It is my choice. Just because alcohol is in the picture doesn't mean I have to tolerate ridiculous and dangerous behavior. I can choose to protect myself and my property and my peace of mind.
Alcoholism is a family disease, because it can make the non-addicted family members very sick as well. It flourishes in families because of the denial and enabling and shame that ends up uniting everyone in chaos.
The anger increases with intensity as nothing changes - or the situation goes from bad to worse. But as others mentioned - that anger can be the fuel to snap me out of denial and into reality (which is NOT the planet the A lives in).
Only in reality I can begin to properly assess:
Where am I going in life?
Who am I?
Is this how and with whom (just as he is) I want to spend my life?
What are my problems that need fixing?
What are my dreams?
What steps can I begin taking to get my life going in the direction I want.
Because things only began for me when I accepted that I can only ever change myself. If I wake up resentful, angry, ashamed, broken? These are my problems to fix. Doesn't matter where they started or how I came to feel this way - how can I fix it? Do I need to stay away from certain toxic people? Do I need to detach from my expectations of someone else? Have I put my happiness, my mood, in someone else's hands?
It took me a lot of AlAnon and therapy to break free of some bad habits of mind I learned growing up with A father, and dealing with my A brothers. So it takes time and effort - but real change is possible - and real joy and serenity await you once you take your own power and life back and accept that it is the only thing you can control!
peace & glad you're here!
b.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
I have a slightly different issue with my ABF - he is not oblivious to the upset, anger and disappointment at all. When he is sober he is fully aware of how much it hurts me to see him like that and how he is jeopardising our relationship by drinking, but then he still gives in and has that first drink - I know he tries not to, but that's really not good enough. But he does at least realise it is causing big problems, he just doesn't seem to be able to stop doing it. So frustrating. Then as soon as he has been sober a couple of days, he seems to forget it is a problem and must be convinced he can control it - thats when the alcohol strikes again and he is suckered into the cycle. And it goes on and on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
from iwantcontrol: But he does at least realise it is causing big problems, he just doesn't seem to be able to stop doing it. So frustrating. Then as soon as he has been sober a couple of days, he seems to forget it is a problem and must be convinced he can control it - thats when the alcohol strikes again and he is suckered into the cycle. And it goes on and on.
Exactly.
This is addiction. The person is powerless over the substance.
Addiction is serious and does not just turn on a dime! Have you ever read Under the Influence? Or Drinking: A Love Story? these two books helped me grasp the absolute BEAST that is alcoholism, so I could stop having my easy fantasies of my brothers without alcohol! It is not impossible - and many do recover - but not without enormous obvious sustained effort, and for most, not until they have really burned all their bridges....
Sadly, the same can be said for us codies. We can suffer enormous pain and damage until we have decided we have had enough and we seek help and accept help and practice change!
peace-
b
Exactly.
This is addiction. The person is powerless over the substance.
Addiction is serious and does not just turn on a dime! Have you ever read Under the Influence? Or Drinking: A Love Story? these two books helped me grasp the absolute BEAST that is alcoholism, so I could stop having my easy fantasies of my brothers without alcohol! It is not impossible - and many do recover - but not without enormous obvious sustained effort, and for most, not until they have really burned all their bridges....
Sadly, the same can be said for us codies. We can suffer enormous pain and damage until we have decided we have had enough and we seek help and accept help and practice change!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by williala 
I would like some advice as to what do I do with this intense anger that I feel. My husband always drank but over the last half year switched to Vodka. He goes to a doctor for his back (who gives him pain killers and muscle relaxers), he talked his family practice doctor into giving him something for his nerves and he drinks on top of it. After I left for a couple of months, I came back (due to his begging) and thought he would get better. I was wrong, he is spiraling out of control again. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night and it was good. I just don't know what to do with the intense anger that I feel. He has no emotion and he just doesn't care (when he always did before). He goes to work, he makes promises to come home and then he doesn't. I tell him how this makes me feel, pouring out my emotions, and I get NOTHING in return. I feel like I am the crazy one, full of emotion, pain and hurt. How do you stop the emotional roller coaster? How do you not take it personally when he just doesn't choose to be with you anymore? Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 19
Thats exactly how my ex used to make me feel: I was full of anger and emtiongs: happniness, sadness, confusion, frustration.....yeah whatever you can mention!! And not to mention the anger!! And he made ME Feel SICK because of it!! that he was so calm all the time and could never understand what was going on, while I was like a vulcane ready to burst out of it all. and he made me feel sick becuase of . because i felt this way. like i was the one who was abnormal feeling these reactions and feeling, when it was just a normal reaction to what was going on and the situation i was in.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by anvilhead
there comes a time when we just stop looking to them for validation or recognition. remember the baby bird in Are You My Mother? he keeps asking and asking and asking and searching and searching until ONE day he finds his mother, another BIRD. not a fish, cat or barn owl.
my daughters and i love this book, and in fact just last night my girl quoted the line "are you my mother" to me when i acted like someone/answered her question in a way she did not think i was supposed to. fortunately for us, when i and she did that, it was just in fun; we were joking around.
and similar to what i was going to say to williala: he simply can't hear you. it is called DENIAL. i think when we express our anger, it points to the addict's behavior and self - and this is what they cannot allow themselves to hear. it's really fruitless, isn't it? my xah did the same thing: no response, like he was a statue or something.
it is definitely a study in frustration to keep trying.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
williala, firstly hugs, and everyone here is wonderful with their advice. Im new too, but for what it may help, I get pented anger, (being half Italian and half Aussie, pheww look out lol) I found the best thing for me is riding my push bike. Im not into running and walking bores me, so i pedal fast and furiously, till i cant go on, then i stop, and sit down next to my bike. What i do understand about anger, is pent up adrenalin, and if you cannot release it, you go crazy, or worse still, you may reach for substances, eg booze or drugs. Exercise is your best friend, if you cant do that, drive to an open space, and scream your lungs out, you need to release the carbon dioxide out. Scientific the best way i can explain ((hugs)) love Leah
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Suncatcher, Welcome! Why don't you consider creating a new post and introducing yourself?
The other thing about anger is it is telling us to take ACTION! We don't like something and there is something to DO! Not JUST beat pillows, but change something. Not by freaking out, but by thoughtful actions.
The other thing about anger is it is telling us to take ACTION! We don't like something and there is something to DO! Not JUST beat pillows, but change something. Not by freaking out, but by thoughtful actions.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Post quote from Anvil ((I had to realize that I'd have better luck teaching a doorknob to recite the alphabet than I would getting a self-absorbed, drunk or addicted individual to HEAR a word I said, and UNDERSTAND what I meant by those words. ))
Yes!!! And I spent years and years trying to get thru to him, not realising til recently that it was impossible. Talking to a door knob gets me nowhere, the same place trying to communicate with him got me.
I do not do nowhere anymore....
God bless
Yes!!! And I spent years and years trying to get thru to him, not realising til recently that it was impossible. Talking to a door knob gets me nowhere, the same place trying to communicate with him got me.
I do not do nowhere anymore....
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10
I was angrier with my husband than I could have ever imagined I could feel. Anger wasn't even the right word. Even rage didn't come close to covering it. I'm still furious, but I've come to realize that a lot of the anger I put out towards him, is really anger at myself. Most of my anger is at myself because I can't believe I married a man who would chose alcohol over his 3 children. It's so much easier to be angry at him and what an easy target he is! But, I know that it's anger at myself. I have to be responsible for my own actions and I screwed up the biggest decision that I'll ever make in my life, who would be the father of my children. The realization was devastating, but it's slowly getting better.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hi figuring it out! I have to be responsible for my own actions and I screwed up the biggest decision that I'll ever make in my life, who would be the father of my children
Easy does it! Remember that your children got the best of both of you (that's the hope anyway) and that they wouldn't be the unique little people that they are but for that mix of DNA.
I know when I was at my lowest and so filled with rage at my exH I had thoughts like this too - how could I have chosen so badly???!! But then I would look at my kids (who after all are the ones I love and would take a bullet for) and the utter impossibility of these kids existing if not for he and I coming together...well I had to accept that that was good choice - because...well, here are the lovable kids right here!
I needed to learn this lesson because otherwise my attitude and my ill-feelings (even if I never spoke them) towards their Dad would infect my children w/ confusion and self-hatred. I never want them to feel bad about who they are or where they came from!
We can all look back and beat ourselves up over bad decisions - hindsight is an exact science. Give yourself a break! The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
peace-
b
Easy does it! Remember that your children got the best of both of you (that's the hope anyway) and that they wouldn't be the unique little people that they are but for that mix of DNA.
I know when I was at my lowest and so filled with rage at my exH I had thoughts like this too - how could I have chosen so badly???!! But then I would look at my kids (who after all are the ones I love and would take a bullet for) and the utter impossibility of these kids existing if not for he and I coming together...well I had to accept that that was good choice - because...well, here are the lovable kids right here!
I needed to learn this lesson because otherwise my attitude and my ill-feelings (even if I never spoke them) towards their Dad would infect my children w/ confusion and self-hatred. I never want them to feel bad about who they are or where they came from!
We can all look back and beat ourselves up over bad decisions - hindsight is an exact science. Give yourself a break! The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I had another period of feeling INFURIATED with my AH. He said he KNEW I didn't love him and I was just not able to admit it yet. That's his reasoning for why I was so hurtful to him (aka. when I told him I was concerned about his drinking).
I will tell you, if I didn't love him, I would not be suffering or here to suffer. I would move on. That's the thing. I DO love him.
I was able to tell him I was infuriated by him deciding he knows how I feel better than I do. (Yay for me!)
Today, I realize my anger is more dependence on his acknowledgment of my feelings and what I say. How dare he ignore what I say I feel and believe whatever he wants??!?
Because he is his own person and I can't control him.
My job is to acknowledge how I feel REGARDLESS of how anyone else thinks. I know how I feel whether the outside world acknowledges it or not.
So, thanks to anger today for helping me SELF define and SELF acknowledge.
Hugs,
wife
I will tell you, if I didn't love him, I would not be suffering or here to suffer. I would move on. That's the thing. I DO love him.
I was able to tell him I was infuriated by him deciding he knows how I feel better than I do. (Yay for me!)
Today, I realize my anger is more dependence on his acknowledgment of my feelings and what I say. How dare he ignore what I say I feel and believe whatever he wants??!?
Because he is his own person and I can't control him.
My job is to acknowledge how I feel REGARDLESS of how anyone else thinks. I know how I feel whether the outside world acknowledges it or not.
So, thanks to anger today for helping me SELF define and SELF acknowledge.
Hugs,
wife
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Wonder if "living" is the right word for being around an active A, or a sober one who refuses any recovery program?
From my own experience and so many stories here, I can see no "living" for the partner or children involved.
Struggling, enduring, suffering and existing seem more descriptive of many of us at times, and for me anyway, it was finally cutting loose that freed both of us. Me to live my way and him to decide for himself that he needed and wanted to quit.
Just a thought that crossed my mind here.
Anyone have their own thoughts on that?
God bless
From my own experience and so many stories here, I can see no "living" for the partner or children involved.
Struggling, enduring, suffering and existing seem more descriptive of many of us at times, and for me anyway, it was finally cutting loose that freed both of us. Me to live my way and him to decide for himself that he needed and wanted to quit.
Just a thought that crossed my mind here.
Anyone have their own thoughts on that?
God bless
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