AH just diagnosed with cancer
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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AH just diagnosed with cancer
Under the "be careful what you wish for" category...
MY AH, while a decent person, has been a more difficult person to live with as the years have gone on. I was toying with the idea of leaving, as I figured, if I was this lonely, I'd rather be alone.
The recession has hit us all, AH was "laid off" last March. I suspect he was fired from his job of 18 months. The job before that lasted only two years. He had gone from functional alcoholic to just a man who'd rather drink than hold a job.
I had gotten a part time job at a former employer. I had picked up a second job with another company, doing the same thing. I had an opportunity today to broach the subject to Boss 1, and let him know about the other job, as there could be an appearance of conflict of interest. Boss 1 is fine with it. I drove home thinking, "Well, this may work out after all. I may be able to move out soon."
I got home, and AH asked me to sit down. He's had a cough that wouldn't go away. His lung was x-rayed, and then a week or so later, a ct scan. His doctor told him today he has lung cancer. (Yup, he smokes 2 packs a day.)
I am shell shocked, sad, angry, scared. This all just stinks. I have no friends because I've gotten in the habit of just staying home because that's what AH does. (No booze = no interest, in his book) My bad on that.
MY AH, while a decent person, has been a more difficult person to live with as the years have gone on. I was toying with the idea of leaving, as I figured, if I was this lonely, I'd rather be alone.
The recession has hit us all, AH was "laid off" last March. I suspect he was fired from his job of 18 months. The job before that lasted only two years. He had gone from functional alcoholic to just a man who'd rather drink than hold a job.
I had gotten a part time job at a former employer. I had picked up a second job with another company, doing the same thing. I had an opportunity today to broach the subject to Boss 1, and let him know about the other job, as there could be an appearance of conflict of interest. Boss 1 is fine with it. I drove home thinking, "Well, this may work out after all. I may be able to move out soon."
I got home, and AH asked me to sit down. He's had a cough that wouldn't go away. His lung was x-rayed, and then a week or so later, a ct scan. His doctor told him today he has lung cancer. (Yup, he smokes 2 packs a day.)
I am shell shocked, sad, angry, scared. This all just stinks. I have no friends because I've gotten in the habit of just staying home because that's what AH does. (No booze = no interest, in his book) My bad on that.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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I am so sorry this has happened. Sorry for your H and sorry for you, this must be a very difficult time with lots of mixed emotions.
Did you know he was going for the Xray and CT? did you know he had an appointment today and that this was a possible outcome? I know the shock is terrible either way. with a lung cancer diagnosis, treatment tends to follow very quickly so I imagine there will be a raft of doctors appointments, hospital stays and treatment decisions coming thick and fast, can you access a support group through the hospital for the family of those diagnosed to help you with your needs at this time?
I imagine it is probably entirely too early for what I am going to say now, I am not trying to be cruel or heartless, and am saying it with love, file it away for later on if you need it: his diagnosis and illness need not make any difference to your plans, you deserve a life that is full and fulfilling, not one that is lonely, regardless of what is happening to him.I'm so sorry you are in this position :ghug3 (for some reason I only have this hug available, it wasn't the one I was after)
Did you know he was going for the Xray and CT? did you know he had an appointment today and that this was a possible outcome? I know the shock is terrible either way. with a lung cancer diagnosis, treatment tends to follow very quickly so I imagine there will be a raft of doctors appointments, hospital stays and treatment decisions coming thick and fast, can you access a support group through the hospital for the family of those diagnosed to help you with your needs at this time?
I imagine it is probably entirely too early for what I am going to say now, I am not trying to be cruel or heartless, and am saying it with love, file it away for later on if you need it: his diagnosis and illness need not make any difference to your plans, you deserve a life that is full and fulfilling, not one that is lonely, regardless of what is happening to him.I'm so sorry you are in this position :ghug3 (for some reason I only have this hug available, it wasn't the one I was after)
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Knew he went for the x-ray and CT. Kinda knew when a CT was scheduled that this was more serious than, say, bronchitis. I had to work the day he went for the CT, and when he was at the hospital, still, when I left for work, I thought something may be up. I don't know if he knew and didn't say.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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This was my mother's experience with my father's cancer:
As surviving spouse, she spent 5 years paying off his medical bills that insurance did not cover.
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, we (mom & siblings) consulted an estate attorney.
Please take care of yourself and get the support, information you need to make healthy decisions for your future.
As surviving spouse, she spent 5 years paying off his medical bills that insurance did not cover.
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, we (mom & siblings) consulted an estate attorney.
Please take care of yourself and get the support, information you need to make healthy decisions for your future.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
Velma, Im sorry for the news, but you do have friends, you got everyone here. my husband is very ill too, but he keeps drinking, a blessing really if they do pass, Im sorry if that sounds mean, but its cruel to them and to us.
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My husband died very suddenly today.
He asked me to call 911, but he was gone before they got to the house.
I am devastated, even though the years with him were challenging.
The irony is, that once he got his diagnosis, he quit drinking.
It's not fair. He was sober for a month. And sick the whole time. And now I'm feeling guilty for every cross word, furious that he didn't take his health seriously, angry that his doctor never suggested screening before this, and scared because the house makes noises it didn't when he was here.
We had plans for this house. We were going to grow old and watch the birds out the windows. This was the house we were going to renovate, better than the last because we knew what we were doing.
He asked me to call 911, but he was gone before they got to the house.
I am devastated, even though the years with him were challenging.
The irony is, that once he got his diagnosis, he quit drinking.
It's not fair. He was sober for a month. And sick the whole time. And now I'm feeling guilty for every cross word, furious that he didn't take his health seriously, angry that his doctor never suggested screening before this, and scared because the house makes noises it didn't when he was here.
We had plans for this house. We were going to grow old and watch the birds out the windows. This was the house we were going to renovate, better than the last because we knew what we were doing.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
((((velma))))
I'm so sorry about your husband's sudden death.
My prayers for you and your children during this difficult time.
Is there a grief counselor you can speak with? Someone from hospice or someone his doctor's office can recommend?
I'm so sorry about your husband's sudden death.
My prayers for you and your children during this difficult time.
Is there a grief counselor you can speak with? Someone from hospice or someone his doctor's office can recommend?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Velma)) - I am so sorry. Please know you have nothing to feel guilty about, though I know it's easier said than done in moving past that.
I hope that you can find support for yourselves, but we are here for you. I wish I could do more.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I hope that you can find support for yourselves, but we are here for you. I wish I could do more.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 56
Velma, my sincere condolences. Of course you are devastated. You spent a long time loving this man, and still do. Try to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel the feelings as they come. And share them with someone ... a friend, a grief (or other) counsellor, an Al-Anon group? And, of course, don't forget your family here. We will listen to everything you wish to say.
Please don't be hard on yourself as your mind relives parts of the past at this very difficult time. I know you say you're feeling guilty for every cross word, but remember that they were not said in a vacuum, you have for many years lived in a difficult situation with an alcoholic. Be kind to you. As I have been told, try to hold yourself in warm regard, because you deserve it.
Many hugs coming your way.
Please don't be hard on yourself as your mind relives parts of the past at this very difficult time. I know you say you're feeling guilty for every cross word, but remember that they were not said in a vacuum, you have for many years lived in a difficult situation with an alcoholic. Be kind to you. As I have been told, try to hold yourself in warm regard, because you deserve it.
Many hugs coming your way.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Sending love and encouragement.
This is going to sound like it's coming from left field, but it's not. I'm going to plant the seed of a suggestion, even while you're in the thick of shock, and dawning grief.
Have you ever considered becoming a foster home for a rescue animal? The two of you could really help each other (you and the furry orphan).
CLMI
This is going to sound like it's coming from left field, but it's not. I'm going to plant the seed of a suggestion, even while you're in the thick of shock, and dawning grief.
Have you ever considered becoming a foster home for a rescue animal? The two of you could really help each other (you and the furry orphan).
CLMI
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