Can't think straight.......
 

Tonight I feel like I'm losing it. I have felt fairly strong for the past few weeks, but for some reason tonight I feel like I cant take anymore.

My AH has been living with his mom for about four weeks since I found out he was drinking again and finally said he couldn't be with us until he took some steps toward getting better. I really thought this would be his bottom--not being able to be with me and the kids---but instead, he's getting worse.

Today he called me and said he'd just come from his counseling appointment. It was news to me that he even had an appointment because he hadn't taken any steps whatsoever yet, but I found out that his brother's wife took him to a shrink she knew. When he told me this, I felt so jealous that MY husband didn't come to me and ask ME to go with him. (not jealous like I think there's something between them, just left-out- jealous I guess)I have always told him that I am here for him. We were best friends for so long.But now, when he finally wants to do something positive, he goes to her instead of me. (I know this is unhealthy thinking, but thats how I felt).

Later, I called to talk to him and his mom says (in her fakey sweet passive agressive tone) "he's sleeping honey." AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! I am his WIFE for God's sake...you'd think she'd at least let him know I was on the phone, but no, she's protecting her son from me. She, along with him, thinks I am the enemy, only thinking of me and not supporting her son. I am so frustrated. I know I can't control what she thinks and I need to let it go, but I am obsessing right now about the whole thing.

I believe "they" (his mom, two brothers, and sister-in-law) see me as "the b**** who kicked out poor Scott when he is so sick". And I know that his family is thriving on the drama of his/our situation, because thats what they do. In reality, they are alcoholics themselves who are in denial big time. I have a feeling they think I should be rallying around him with them and joining in the drama, but I don't want to!

My question, since I cant' seem to think like a rational person, is this: Should I be calling and talking with his family members to check up on him and see how he's doing? To show them that I really do care and am "with" them in taking care of him? I know that by not doing so, it is fuel to their fire and confirms their beliefs that I dont care about him(which I do, very, very much).

I REALLY want them to see that I am doing what I think is best for him. I want them to recognize that this is hard for me as well, and see that I am trying so hard to keep things together. I realize this may NEVER happen, and I really don't want to deal with them at all because I see them as so sick themselves and I cant' deal with anybody else's crazy twisted thinking when I'm trying to get my own head straight. But is it okay that I'm not going along with their game? Does it really mean I don't truly love him? I don't have a clue what normal, healthy behavior would be, on either side , so maybe someone out there can help? I dont even know if its clear what Im saying here. I am CONFUSED and unsure and not at a point yet where I trust myself. Will I ever be? HELP me please. I am going crazy!!!:help

Don't get discouraged. You're on the right track. You only need to concern yourself with yourself and your children. The HB can take care of himself. Remember you do not have to prove yourself to anyone but you. What his family thinks shouldn't matter. They aren't you. They dont know what you go through. I understand that keeping harmony in the family is a difficult thing to do at best of times, but there are more important things for you to deal with now, than having to prove yourself to them.

This is my second time in this situation, and although I am not happy I'm here again,...things are much clearer to me this time around. It is easier to pick up where I left off with co-anon 5 years ago. This time I will keep up with the program, regardless of what my AH does.

If you're going to al-anon, work your steps. You will get through this. If not, you should probably start attending meetings.

Cyber hugs to you

Call if you want to call!

I have a situation that is somewhat similar. My husband is a recovering Alcoholic (6 months sober) and my parents are alcoholics. My father hasn't had a drink in years and covers for mom. Well, over the years, when things were really difficult, I would talk to my parents. Mom thought I was rather 'rough' on my husband. Of course she wouldn't admit he was an alcoholic while she is pouring herself another glass of wine.

Try not to worry what others think (easy for me to say). You should just do what you feel is good for you. It sounds as though you are trying to take care of your needs right now. Keep it up.

As far as being jealous. I can relate. I repeatedly told him I was here for him. But he never came to me for help. Still when he is having a tough time, he finds help at meetings. Oh well. At least he's getting help. When things come around he tells me what was going on and then we talk. Hopefully, things come around for the two of you. But for now. Just take care of yourself!

NoDoubt

veggiemom,

Calling that hornet's nest or not has nothing to do with how you feel about him. Are you trying to prove to them you care, or yourself?

Don't waste valuable time trying to get them to understand. It just isn't all that important. I have family members that eat up the drama in my life and I just don't bother with them.

If you want to see how he is.... call. If you are content not knowing....then don't call. Leave the Queen Bee out of the mix.

Hugs,
JT

I agree. You do what you need to do for you, and the kids, and then applies to calling there too. You cannot even begin to take on trying to educate those people right now! It is time to focus on you. You have your own recovery to work through, which is what you need to do in order to have a healthy relationship with him should you choose to stay together. It is not selfish of you to be working on a better you, it is the best thing you can be doing for him, and for your children.

Veggiemom,
I agree with the wise posts here. Focus on yourself, I know the feeling of wanting to be vindicated, but what his family thinks or doesn't think is up to them. They want to be blind, it's the comfort zone they want to be in.
Work on making yourself healthy, it's the greatest gift to give to yourself. Here's a tip that my counsellor gave me when I was trying to work out the anger I had towards my in laws. Write a letter, put everything in it that you want to say, write exactly how you feel, don't hold back. Then take it outside and burn it and let the flames have all the hurt and anger. It might sound a bit silly, but it worked for me, maybe not the first time, but no one said you could only do it once.

HUGS
Sheila

Sheila:
NO! That doesn't sound silly to me at all! It sounds like something that could really make me feel better and I'm going to do it. Just the writing it out will be good.

See, I knew you all could help. When I'm in this fog I can't even think of these basic, simple things that work. THANK YOU ALL for your words!!!