Anger, Resentment and Rage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Anger, Resentment and Rage
I have been going to Al-Anon for a few weeks now and have a step forward and then a couple back!
Last weekend I went away on my own for 4 nights camping and relaxing, as AH didnt want to go and had a bit of a retreat, pleasing myself and reading my Al-Anon books.
I cried all the way home.
Since then, I have been having rages. I have learnt not to argue back over the years but now I just cant help myself. I think it years of suppressed anger coming to the surface. I am being bitter and spiteful about his drinking and the effect it has on me and my DD. He is retaliating saying that we dont have anything in common anymore and I said what you mean is we dont have alcohol in common. I have brought up with him all his past verbal abuse and let him have it through screaming and tears - it wasnt a pleasant sight. I was raging about his past affair, calling me names, his most recent emotional abuse tactic about asking me if I was late for work. This one is particularly nasty because he notices if my towel is hanging on the shower, if it is, I have had a shower, if it isnt then I havent. He thinks I am dirty and dont wash enough, so this subtle question of 'if i was late for work' is implying that I am dirty. I now hang my towel on the shower even if I dont have a shower and only wash, what a way to live.
Although I understand the principles of Al-Anon, I am having trouble applying them. I am full of resentment, that my only choices appear to be - to put up and shut up or leave. He gets to carry on with his emotional verbal abuse, unreasonable thinking and behaviors whilst I try and make myself better, without being able to discuss how I feel with him, my husband.
To top it all off - we have just found out his dad has died. His dad was an alcoholic and died alone and wasnt found for two days.
We havent spoken to my FIL for the past 5 years, because he stole money from us and my husband wasnt even too sure if he wanted to go to the funeral. Now he does want to go to his funeral back in the UK because he is worried about what people will think of him if he doesnt go back and to say goodbye to his dad. I have said that I will support him whatever he decided to do and have now booked his flights. Then I got resentful because I realised that I was doing that for him, trying to sort out times/dates etc whilst he 'nodded' in his chair.
I take care of all the bills and try to save, whilst my AH continues to spend a large amount of money on beer, even if he is out of work. I feel angry and resentful watching this money come out of our joint account and now I feel angry that he is spending a LOT of money we don't have, traveling to the UK for his estranged fathers funeral. I am also angry that I feel this way and wonder whether a 'normal healthy' wife would feel this way.
I have also realised that he wont be there for me if I ever need his support in the future if/when my own parents die abroad as he has never been there for me in the past. Any problem that comes his way, he turns to his beers and then I am forced to deal with the problem on my own and sometimes having to make decisions on my own and also deal with him drinking, so a double whammy. He then gets to turn around, much later and say that I made the decision without him, so I have to live with the consequences.
We had a row tonight because I was watching telly (de-stressing) and he was hungry. I said we had salmon and noodles for tea and if he could wait 10 minutes I would get up and cook it. He said he couldn't wait, so I said if you are that hungry, go and start tea cooking tea. My DD went out to the kitchen 10 minutes later and came back and said dad is cooking himself beans on toast. I couldnt believe the madness of that unreasonable thinking! He had been drinking.
I am so stressed, I am back on my inhaler! and I am so angry, I don't know what to do and feel like I am making myself ill, I am so wound up.
I am having an anger week and needed to offload - sorry!
Last weekend I went away on my own for 4 nights camping and relaxing, as AH didnt want to go and had a bit of a retreat, pleasing myself and reading my Al-Anon books.
I cried all the way home.
Since then, I have been having rages. I have learnt not to argue back over the years but now I just cant help myself. I think it years of suppressed anger coming to the surface. I am being bitter and spiteful about his drinking and the effect it has on me and my DD. He is retaliating saying that we dont have anything in common anymore and I said what you mean is we dont have alcohol in common. I have brought up with him all his past verbal abuse and let him have it through screaming and tears - it wasnt a pleasant sight. I was raging about his past affair, calling me names, his most recent emotional abuse tactic about asking me if I was late for work. This one is particularly nasty because he notices if my towel is hanging on the shower, if it is, I have had a shower, if it isnt then I havent. He thinks I am dirty and dont wash enough, so this subtle question of 'if i was late for work' is implying that I am dirty. I now hang my towel on the shower even if I dont have a shower and only wash, what a way to live.
Although I understand the principles of Al-Anon, I am having trouble applying them. I am full of resentment, that my only choices appear to be - to put up and shut up or leave. He gets to carry on with his emotional verbal abuse, unreasonable thinking and behaviors whilst I try and make myself better, without being able to discuss how I feel with him, my husband.
To top it all off - we have just found out his dad has died. His dad was an alcoholic and died alone and wasnt found for two days.
We havent spoken to my FIL for the past 5 years, because he stole money from us and my husband wasnt even too sure if he wanted to go to the funeral. Now he does want to go to his funeral back in the UK because he is worried about what people will think of him if he doesnt go back and to say goodbye to his dad. I have said that I will support him whatever he decided to do and have now booked his flights. Then I got resentful because I realised that I was doing that for him, trying to sort out times/dates etc whilst he 'nodded' in his chair.
I take care of all the bills and try to save, whilst my AH continues to spend a large amount of money on beer, even if he is out of work. I feel angry and resentful watching this money come out of our joint account and now I feel angry that he is spending a LOT of money we don't have, traveling to the UK for his estranged fathers funeral. I am also angry that I feel this way and wonder whether a 'normal healthy' wife would feel this way.
I have also realised that he wont be there for me if I ever need his support in the future if/when my own parents die abroad as he has never been there for me in the past. Any problem that comes his way, he turns to his beers and then I am forced to deal with the problem on my own and sometimes having to make decisions on my own and also deal with him drinking, so a double whammy. He then gets to turn around, much later and say that I made the decision without him, so I have to live with the consequences.
We had a row tonight because I was watching telly (de-stressing) and he was hungry. I said we had salmon and noodles for tea and if he could wait 10 minutes I would get up and cook it. He said he couldn't wait, so I said if you are that hungry, go and start tea cooking tea. My DD went out to the kitchen 10 minutes later and came back and said dad is cooking himself beans on toast. I couldnt believe the madness of that unreasonable thinking! He had been drinking.
I am so stressed, I am back on my inhaler! and I am so angry, I don't know what to do and feel like I am making myself ill, I am so wound up.
I am having an anger week and needed to offload - sorry!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
All that anger and stress and resentment is gonna' make you sick! Can you go to yoga? Do meetings help you de-compress? Can you go out with friends and get these things out by talking? How about exercising 20 minutes a day? Or, if not, you can just walk to the end of the street and back whenever you get these feelings.
My mom has high blood pressure. One trick I taught her is when she is stressed or angry or whatever, put in a CD of music she likes to sing and then SING at the top of her lungs. That gets your lungs working, and is good especially if you don't like physical exercise. It will decompress you and combat the negative effects of stress.
In anger management I learned that anger at others can come from having expectations that are too high for the other person to meet. Learning about the DISEASE of alcoholism may help you to better understand your husband's limitations. Some people can't let go of the resentment though, and think that "alcoholism" as a disease is an excuse. It is not and thinking that way will not help you so try not to go there; it just keeps you resentful.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you self-righteous? Do you think the world OWES you something? Really think about this. Do you think, "I do X, therefore he should do Y"? Do you think you are better than him? Are you judging him? Can you see he is a human being with a disease? Can you see the sickness?
My mom has high blood pressure. One trick I taught her is when she is stressed or angry or whatever, put in a CD of music she likes to sing and then SING at the top of her lungs. That gets your lungs working, and is good especially if you don't like physical exercise. It will decompress you and combat the negative effects of stress.
In anger management I learned that anger at others can come from having expectations that are too high for the other person to meet. Learning about the DISEASE of alcoholism may help you to better understand your husband's limitations. Some people can't let go of the resentment though, and think that "alcoholism" as a disease is an excuse. It is not and thinking that way will not help you so try not to go there; it just keeps you resentful.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you self-righteous? Do you think the world OWES you something? Really think about this. Do you think, "I do X, therefore he should do Y"? Do you think you are better than him? Are you judging him? Can you see he is a human being with a disease? Can you see the sickness?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I am so sorry that it's been such a crummy time. (((hugs)))
Living with an active addict is crazy-making, and good for you for having the sense to see that you are not acting in ways that make you feel good about yourself.
Try to be glad that he is going to Dad's funeral, and enjoy the break you will get while he is gone.
I love the idea of singing at the top of your lungs - I like showtunes, myself.
Be nice to yourself.
Living with an active addict is crazy-making, and good for you for having the sense to see that you are not acting in ways that make you feel good about yourself.
Try to be glad that he is going to Dad's funeral, and enjoy the break you will get while he is gone.
I love the idea of singing at the top of your lungs - I like showtunes, myself.
Be nice to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by stella27 
Try to be glad that he is going to Dad's funeral, and enjoy the break you will get while he is gone.
I love the idea of singing at the top of your lungs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I am full of resentment, that my only choices appear to be - to put up and shut up or leave. He gets to carry on with his emotional verbal abuse, unreasonable thinking and behaviors whilst I try and make myself better, without being able to discuss how I feel with him, my husband.
Something about this statement struck me....reminded me of the old saying "resentment is where you swallow the poison and then wait for the other person to die..." and also a saying I heard once about alcoholics: an alcoholic is a person who refuses to give up a life of misery without a fight! Which I think we could say about us codies too!
I am not saying stay or go - but the fact that you do have the choice to choose serenity and growth in your own life is fantastic. If he is left to his old behaviors so what? Why should you resent that? It's not like if you change then he's winning the lotto, getting healthy, and drinking from the fountain of youth. If you move forward with your life and choose joy and peace and he stays stuck in the mire it is entirely his loss. But there is nothng but tragedy if you both stay the same and nothing changes! Poor DD!!
A lot of the things you resent are things you have the control to stop doing! Let him eat beans and toast for tea. Big whoop. Let him book his own flights - if he doesn't then he doesn't go - not your problem. Separate the bank accounts so you don't feel this pain drain on the joint account....I know none of these things are easy to do - but when you change the things you can control then your life start starts changing for the better.
I have found when I feel stuck and resentful there is often much more I can do, even broken down into baby steps, to change so that I am not setting myself up for that resentment. I just have to try to see the situation objectively and be honest with myself about my part in it.
Glad you're going to AlAnon -- it took me a long time too to put all those great tools into practice - in fact that was what it took: practice. But it really did turn my head around eventually!
peace-
b
Something about this statement struck me....reminded me of the old saying "resentment is where you swallow the poison and then wait for the other person to die..." and also a saying I heard once about alcoholics: an alcoholic is a person who refuses to give up a life of misery without a fight! Which I think we could say about us codies too!
I am not saying stay or go - but the fact that you do have the choice to choose serenity and growth in your own life is fantastic. If he is left to his old behaviors so what? Why should you resent that? It's not like if you change then he's winning the lotto, getting healthy, and drinking from the fountain of youth. If you move forward with your life and choose joy and peace and he stays stuck in the mire it is entirely his loss. But there is nothng but tragedy if you both stay the same and nothing changes! Poor DD!!
A lot of the things you resent are things you have the control to stop doing! Let him eat beans and toast for tea. Big whoop. Let him book his own flights - if he doesn't then he doesn't go - not your problem. Separate the bank accounts so you don't feel this pain drain on the joint account....I know none of these things are easy to do - but when you change the things you can control then your life start starts changing for the better.
I have found when I feel stuck and resentful there is often much more I can do, even broken down into baby steps, to change so that I am not setting myself up for that resentment. I just have to try to see the situation objectively and be honest with myself about my part in it.
Glad you're going to AlAnon -- it took me a long time too to put all those great tools into practice - in fact that was what it took: practice. But it really did turn my head around eventually!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Although I understand the principles of Al-Anon, I am having trouble applying them. I am full of resentment, that my only choices appear to be - to put up and shut up or leave. He gets to carry on with his emotional verbal abuse, unreasonable thinking and behaviors whilst I try and make myself better, without being able to discuss how I feel with him, my husband.
I was struck by this, as well!
What I see in your post is obsessive thinking about him. What he does. What he doesn't do.
I feel you grasping very tightly onto him and not wanting to let go. Not wanting to ease up. Not wanting to allow him his own choices.
What would happen if you let go? What would happen if you stopped obsessing on him?
Your choices aren't
1. put up and shut up
2. or leave.
Your choices are to
1. ease up and let go of trying to fix him, and/or let go of wishing he were different and/or let go of continuing to choose to be in a yucky relationship while feeling resentful. In other words, choose a life of ease and peace and acceptance
2. or continue to stay stuck. Continue to abdicate your power by suffering him. Continue to blame things on him instead of taking charge of your happiness.
Both those choices are about you and your life. Your happiness or suffering. Your power. They are not about him.
Your interpretation of the Alanon principle was you have to work and he gets a free ride. Its interesting how we are masters at spinning things to be about our partners. If you look at your post (or plenty of mine - particularly my first), you can see ALL the he said, he did, he he he.
He's not your child. He's not your yoke. He's not your responsibility.
He sounds crummy; you're right! You're right!! But our being right doesn't make us any happier. It feels make our partners change. It doesn't give us any control.
Perhaps you focus on him to avoid yourself? I know I do.
When I heard we pick people that are our emotional equals, I was bemused. (But he seems way more messed up...) When I heard that if you get in a fight or have a problem with someone, the issue is 50% YOUR problems, I was incredulous! (But HE is so obviously wrong!!)
I am coming to accept it is so. I am coming to accept I have some work to do (in ME).
Now what?
He's not going to change.
You don't have to leave him. You don't have to DO anything if you don't want to.
But the person that came here to vent because he's making you miserable WANTS things to change!
If you can't change him...what's left?
If you change you, that's for YOUR sanity, period.
I am also uncovering how I benefit from the setup I am in now. How he does jerky things, I get to be outraged and feel justified and right, I get to tell others who then validate me and my suffering and I feel "more enlightened than" him.
UGH!
Good luck!
w
I was struck by this, as well!
What I see in your post is obsessive thinking about him. What he does. What he doesn't do.
I feel you grasping very tightly onto him and not wanting to let go. Not wanting to ease up. Not wanting to allow him his own choices.
What would happen if you let go? What would happen if you stopped obsessing on him?
Your choices aren't
1. put up and shut up
2. or leave.
Your choices are to
1. ease up and let go of trying to fix him, and/or let go of wishing he were different and/or let go of continuing to choose to be in a yucky relationship while feeling resentful. In other words, choose a life of ease and peace and acceptance
2. or continue to stay stuck. Continue to abdicate your power by suffering him. Continue to blame things on him instead of taking charge of your happiness.
Both those choices are about you and your life. Your happiness or suffering. Your power. They are not about him.
Your interpretation of the Alanon principle was you have to work and he gets a free ride. Its interesting how we are masters at spinning things to be about our partners. If you look at your post (or plenty of mine - particularly my first), you can see ALL the he said, he did, he he he.
He's not your child. He's not your yoke. He's not your responsibility.
He sounds crummy; you're right! You're right!! But our being right doesn't make us any happier. It feels make our partners change. It doesn't give us any control.
Perhaps you focus on him to avoid yourself? I know I do.
When I heard we pick people that are our emotional equals, I was bemused. (But he seems way more messed up...) When I heard that if you get in a fight or have a problem with someone, the issue is 50% YOUR problems, I was incredulous! (But HE is so obviously wrong!!)
I am coming to accept it is so. I am coming to accept I have some work to do (in ME).
Now what?
He's not going to change.
You don't have to leave him. You don't have to DO anything if you don't want to.
But the person that came here to vent because he's making you miserable WANTS things to change!
If you can't change him...what's left?
If you change you, that's for YOUR sanity, period.
I am also uncovering how I benefit from the setup I am in now. How he does jerky things, I get to be outraged and feel justified and right, I get to tell others who then validate me and my suffering and I feel "more enlightened than" him.
UGH!
Good luck!
w
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