Heartbroken girlfriend looking for help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Winterpeg, Manitoba.
Posts: 1
Heartbroken girlfriend looking for help.
I'm a newcomer here, and I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place... But I need advice. I can't deal with this alone anymore.
My boyfriend and I have been dating just for over a year, and I had always known he had enjoyed drinking... alot. But because we live fairly far away from each, and I'm not with him everyday, I didn't really know how much he was drinking each day.
But over the past few months he himself, has been determined to changed that. He wanted to get healthy and be able to go a week without drinking. Of course this was news to me. But after he had told me this I came to realize how big his drinking problem really was.
He tried just to simply stop drinking. He would do fairly well for about the first week and a half. But then he would get very sick and what I'm guessing is withdrawal. Which would result in him drinking again to make it go away. He has been going through this cycle for awhile now, but he is still determined to stop drinking. I've been trying to convince him to go to the Addicitions Foundation in Winnipeg, but he wants to do it himself. Ugh he's stubborn.
It's very frustrating and heart breaking to see him struggle with this week after week. I kick myself in the ass everyday for not seeing this sooner. I don't know much about alcoholism, and I'm just looking for information and advice of what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been dating just for over a year, and I had always known he had enjoyed drinking... alot. But because we live fairly far away from each, and I'm not with him everyday, I didn't really know how much he was drinking each day.
But over the past few months he himself, has been determined to changed that. He wanted to get healthy and be able to go a week without drinking. Of course this was news to me. But after he had told me this I came to realize how big his drinking problem really was.
He tried just to simply stop drinking. He would do fairly well for about the first week and a half. But then he would get very sick and what I'm guessing is withdrawal. Which would result in him drinking again to make it go away. He has been going through this cycle for awhile now, but he is still determined to stop drinking. I've been trying to convince him to go to the Addicitions Foundation in Winnipeg, but he wants to do it himself. Ugh he's stubborn.
It's very frustrating and heart breaking to see him struggle with this week after week. I kick myself in the ass everyday for not seeing this sooner. I don't know much about alcoholism, and I'm just looking for information and advice of what to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Welcome Lackofcolor. I dated my boyfriend for about a year before I knew as well. I also knew he enjoyed drinking but it seemed normal to me because he had a lot of buddies, they did a lot of sports, watched a lot of sports and had tons of activities and get-togethers, so I thought it seemed normal. He liked beer... big deal, type thing. Once I did realize it I felt the same as you.
Don't be sorry you didn't know sooner, you lived far away from each other and he probably did an okay job of hiding it. The same thing for me... my boyfriend and I hung out 2-3 times a week and it seemed normal when I did see him drink, because we'd be out with other people drinking, or we'd have some wine at a picnic or... whatever.....
so don't beat yourself up for that!!!
Don't be sorry you didn't know sooner, you lived far away from each other and he probably did an okay job of hiding it. The same thing for me... my boyfriend and I hung out 2-3 times a week and it seemed normal when I did see him drink, because we'd be out with other people drinking, or we'd have some wine at a picnic or... whatever.....
so don't beat yourself up for that!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
Here's the good news - your boyfriend wants to stop.
Here's the bad news - wanting to stop and the WILL to stop are not the same thing.
In Alanon they say the 3 c's:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You can not cure it.
It will be very very tempting to think all of these things (I must have influenced him in some way...maybe if I x or y or z I can help him or fix him.)
I would suggest reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which will help you understand yourself in the relationship, and Under the Influence, which explains the biology of why he wants to drink again.
He might be interested in reading these...or not.
You could suggest he look into detox for help with quitting.
But ultimately, you are partnered with an addict that may or may not go into recovery. You can not do anything to get him to stop. It seems like, right now and for both of you, his needs are paramount, since he is struggling with an addiction.
But its not true. Your needs are paramount for you.
All you can do is figure out what are your boundaries around his behavior so you know your needs are getting taken care of.
Stick around. Keep reading. There is TONS of good info in the stickies at the top of the forum.
Hugs
w
Here's the good news - your boyfriend wants to stop.
Here's the bad news - wanting to stop and the WILL to stop are not the same thing.
In Alanon they say the 3 c's:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You can not cure it.
It will be very very tempting to think all of these things (I must have influenced him in some way...maybe if I x or y or z I can help him or fix him.)
I would suggest reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which will help you understand yourself in the relationship, and Under the Influence, which explains the biology of why he wants to drink again.
He might be interested in reading these...or not.
You could suggest he look into detox for help with quitting.
But ultimately, you are partnered with an addict that may or may not go into recovery. You can not do anything to get him to stop. It seems like, right now and for both of you, his needs are paramount, since he is struggling with an addiction.
But its not true. Your needs are paramount for you.
All you can do is figure out what are your boundaries around his behavior so you know your needs are getting taken care of.
Stick around. Keep reading. There is TONS of good info in the stickies at the top of the forum.
Hugs
w
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
We're so glad you're here! Welcome. Advice? Keep reading, keep posting. I found great comfort in the book by Melody Beattie CoDependent No More. I'd read it years ago and then again and just finished at third time. Really keeps me on the ball now. I calendar to read it once a year. Looking after yourself is a great step in the right direction instead of becoming consumed with the other persons problem. I know that sounds hardball, but when everything is boiled out of the pot, that's what is left. Ourself.
Your abf may need some meds to reduce the withdrawals. When mine now deceased addict/alcoholic fiance' was in rehab he was on some things to help him with the detox and the withdrawals. He was grateful for it. Not saying it worked in the long run, because he only did 14 days and when he smelled the fresh air the day he got out, he went right to the store and bought a six pack of corona beer. Another told me to soak your feet in epsom salt to assist in extracting the impurities. But, again this isn't a medical advice board. You may do better discussing it with someone in a detox center near you.
Your abf may need some meds to reduce the withdrawals. When mine now deceased addict/alcoholic fiance' was in rehab he was on some things to help him with the detox and the withdrawals. He was grateful for it. Not saying it worked in the long run, because he only did 14 days and when he smelled the fresh air the day he got out, he went right to the store and bought a six pack of corona beer. Another told me to soak your feet in epsom salt to assist in extracting the impurities. But, again this isn't a medical advice board. You may do better discussing it with someone in a detox center near you.
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