transformyself

AH yelled at me on the phone this morning which I could care less if he yells or what he's yelling about I have to sift through it to figure out what's going on with my kid and help him. The kids stayed with him last night, and i called to see how the drop off at school went. AH tells me, yells at me:

YOungest son is saying he's sick and has a headache and doesn't f****** want to go to school and I have no compassion for him and we have to get off the phone because I"m having a hard time with you.Youngest son is having a hard time, he says he is sick his head hurts and throat hurts and his teacher said he was disheveled with food on his face when he arrived at school yesterday and that he was unfocused and she had to to send him to the chairs by the office to snap him out of it and I'm sick of being the only one to keep these guys clean and together and how much money did you make yesterday? What good is your job if you're not bringing in more money?

Screamed at me. He had just left our son at school, told me to go pick him up. I haven't spoken to the teacher at all, and have a hard time believing she actually said he was "disheveled and with food on his face," but this is the kid that wants to wear the same sweat pants every day and I"m not going to argue with him when it's a struggle enough to get him to go to school. He's 8 for gods sake!

AH is mad at me because we're getting pressure from collection agencies. Screaming mad.

I'm so sick of having to weed through his emotional meltdowns to sort out what's going on with the kids. I emailed the teacher. no response. then he texts me saying he spoke to her and our son is "fine" and he'll pick them up after 6:30 to stay the night again when he gets off work.

He's not sent me his schedule for the week. He is freaking out.

I have no money to file for divorce but better come up with it. I-and the kids--need stability, not to have our schedules, financial situation and everything else left to the whim of a practicing alcoholic who blames me for everyting. I mean, seriously, if he would stop yelling we could work on all this stuff, but its hard for me to deal with him when he behaves this way and I shouldn't have to.

I have all the paperwork, and I know there is a free clinic at the courthouse to help with filing.

I think I will wait until he calms down, suggest that we mediate between ourselves to negotiate how much money he will give me then write it up and file it so it is automatic.

He may freak out, if so I'll just go file on my own and we can fight it out.

I"m hoping he agrees and we can sort out our agreement together and THEN go to the courts and have them solidify it so that some of this madness stops. That way, he will have agreed to it if he has issues later he can't change his mind and blame me.

I just got off a god awful long conference call and am going to call the teacher, she hasn't responded to my email.

What a jerk this guy is. He's so unstable, more so than me. He does things "for" me, then resents it and rages at me. I"m sick of it.

nodaybut2day

ugh transform...I feel your pain. This is madness and I seriously hope you can find a way to cut this person out of your life as much as possible, considering the kids you have together.

Ick.

*hugs* to you

transformyself

Thanks Girl I knew you'd feel my pain. Just gotta keep detaching and call for reinforcements. Naive does a great job of detailing this chess game we play. At times, he does seem totally lucid and present and like someone I can co-parent with. But then this happens.

nodaybut2day

Oh, I too "dream the dream" of coparenting politely and rationally with another individual who I just so happen not to be able to be romantically involved with but who is also just as invested as I am in the well-being of our child...You can laugh now. I know it's a lofty dream. But it's so damn appealing!

I think your plan of filing on your own is awesome. Let him freak out by himself if he wants.

transformyself

Oh no, I would never laugh at you for this dream. I think I'm just peeling away deeper layers of denial. first, that he would be faithful or stop drinking. Then, that we can live together. Then that we can be romantic on any level. Then peeled away that layer that anythign he does has anything (and everything) to do with me.

Now this one. Ok. Can't co-parent.

Guess I"m a slow learner..

nodaybut2day

Naw, I think you and I are "stubborn and inventive dreamers"...sounds better, but still leads us down ridiculous paths.

transformyself

Now, predictably, AH's called, saying "sorry i didn't call earlier, I was having a hell of a day and didn't feel like talking about anything personal."

Meaning: he hasn't called me on every 3 minute break today and is apologizing for it, as if I'm wondering where he is and what he's doing. After screaming that string of crap at me, hanging up and leaving me to wonder what's going on with our son. What a nutjob.

My biggest concern is my boy. He is refusing to do any homework. Hates school.

I have no idea what to do. He already has in IEP in place, I think I'll go see that teacher. I should take him to see our Elder, but dont' have any gas money right now to drive 45 minutes one way.

I"m pretty worried about him. I thought he was doing better, his attitude toward school... but he's back sliding pretty bad. Poor guy. I tried talking to him, but he just cries and says he hates it.

PurpleWilder

When I filed the response papers after my husband had me served with divorce papers, I was able to get ALL the fees waived by showing how little money I was making. Never had to pay to take the parenting class either, for the same reason. I just had to go to the county courthouse and ask for the paper and attach proof of my claim and had to wait - 2 weeks? - for a judge to rule on it. Really, the only thing my divorce cost me was time and frustration, not money. Ex left the marriage with several thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Maybe this is an option for you - they don't often promote it so not a lot of people know about it. Can't hurt to ask!

Re: your son - my 9 year old daughter has ADD and hates school and homework too. Every day it is like a fistfight to get her to sit down and do it. Same with getting dressed in the morning, getting out of the shower in less than 20 minutes, sitting down to breakfast, getting on her coat....

I don't always handle this well so I don't really have advice but lots of sympathy. I know how you feel.

stella27

Love you, transformie!
Just fight through it, one obstacle at a time.
You can do it.

transformyself

Thanks Stella! That made my day!

That's my boy. I have various tricks to help him, but with him going back and forth between our two houses, I think it's even harder for him.

Emeraldstorm

Have you asked your kids if they even want to go see their father? If they say NO, I wouldn't let them go over there. Some people say that children need both parents in their lives...but I don't believe that...not if the parent is a self consuming alcoholic..

My parents got divorced when I was younger because my father left my mother for someone 19 years younger...I only went over there on weekends, and I hated it...

He was always drunk, and so mean and judgmental...

I never thought I was good enough for him, and still don't....I haven't talk to him in years! I hate him so much!

He has screwed up my way of thinking...I'm 23 now, and still feel like a child sometimes...searching for love...ironically from other alcoholics...

I'm slowly starting to learn that I can't change people, and I need to work on myself...

But I will NEVER forget everything my father has done...he has scared me emotionally and I'll never be able to forgive him....

Sick son of bitch!