iwantcontrol

After so many promises and failed attempts at giving up the drink, can you ever get that trust back again? After almost splitting up over the weekend he has promised that is it with alcohol - he isn't going to be getting really drunk or drinking during the day again (note, there is no clear statement of never drinking again). Of course, I don't really believe him, but part of me kind of does (the stupid part you may say).

My question is should I try to trust in him and have faith in him that this time he means it and he could succeed? Even if I have such huge doubts? Actions are what I'm looking for. I'm not expecting him to never drink again, just show me that he is trying and really wants to stop. Part of me thinks I should stop myself having trust in him at all because I'll only be disappointed, but that just sounds miserable. If I let myself have some faith in him it may make him feel better about himself and that could give him some added motivation, whereas being negative about it could make him feel like there's no point in bothering. Really, I know it doesn't make a difference to his actions whether I'm negative or not, but it might make me feel better if I don't expect too much ratehr than out all my faith in him and have it all crushed again.

Insulated

that's a really personal decision. you're on the right track. look at the actions. mute out the words. i know in my own circumstance, even benefit of doubt had to be earned after so many quack quack sessions. keep posting. SR is a wealth of comfort and knowledge.

stella27

You can decide whether you want to trust him again. It is a choice more than a feeling. Just be sure and own your own power.

Learn2Live

What will blindly trusting him accomplish?

nodaybut2day

I dunno...this is just me, but that statement sounds very murky and intentionally worded to give him the opportunity to get out of trouble, by denying how intoxicated he actually is. Obviously, it's not your role to exact promises from him or to monitor if he fulfills them or not, but just reading the above-mentioned statement made me cringe.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the "wait and see" attitude.

JMO though!

keithj

The problem with this is, IF (and I do mean if) he is a real alcoholic, he has little control over this. He can make all the promises and committments he wants, and he can actually be sincere about it, but he will lack the power to manage that promise.

BuffaloGal

This doesn't have to be a black and white situation. Instead of believing he's going to succeed or believing he's going to fail, you can try not worrying about it, if that's what will give you most peace of mind.

Fubarcdn

I am the drinker in my family and it took an ultimatum to never drink again or leave for me to stop.
I promised to cut down, only drink on weekends, blah, blah too many times to count.
I hope this vague promise works for you but in my case I am glad my wife finally upped the stakes and made it all or nothing. That was a little over a year ago.
Good luck to you.

Bernadette

iwantcontrol--

More will be revealed.

Have you been reading up about alcoholism? Are you respecting what it is and what it does to an alcoholic's brain? I'm not saying he will fail or succeed, I am just saying it does not serve you to pretend that you don't know what you know! Keep your eyes open, tell him whatever positive things you want, but with fuzzy ideas about him "cutting down" or showing you that he is "making an effort" then be prepared for maybe the two of you having different interpretations of success!

Maybe what is behind your question is should you believe him, and if you believe him does that mean this time things will be different (more to your liking)? And all I can tell you is it will have no impact either way. He will choose to drink (less it sounds like?) or as much as he wants....it is his choice each and every day, and if he is still addicted and doesn't deal with that then he may control his drinking for a while but....well, more will be revealed.

When my bros make statements about their intentions regarding recovery or controlling their drinking I just say, "Hunh. Sounds good, you know I'm always hoping for the best for you!" Then I let it go, because it has nothing to do with me and I cannot control it.

I do best when I have hope but NO expectations.

I used to say that kind of response but in my heart I was holding on and getting excited and freaking out about what should I say, how can I support, do I talk to him about it? what if I notice he is drinking again? should I say anything? blabbity blah blah blah....yuk - that kind of obsession was so unhealthy for me. With practice I am able to say "Wow, I sure hope you find the success you want!" and really mean it, and really let it go, and get back to my own problems!

peace-
b

iwantcontrol

Thanks everyone for your replies - they are all very helpful.

bernadette - thanks, that is exactly the place i hope to get to eventually. to really be able to stop obsessing

To not be able to worry about it and have hope but no expectation would be great. I'm sure i'll get there. I know he is going to drink again at some point and much as i would like to give him an ultimatum to never drink again or i'm gone, i don't think that is fair and it wouldn't make him stop. He knows if things remain the same then I will leave him at some point because i want a family and a normal relationship. If he can stop drinking long enough to really tackle his depression I believe his life and mood would improve greatly, and a consequence of that would be either stopping drinking altogether or at least for him to be able to tackle the alcohol issue afterwards.

I can see how his promise is quite woolly, and he hasn't promised never to drink just that he will try not to. It probably is a cop out. I'm hoping his upcoming psychiatrist appointment (which i'm hoping he can make a change and stay sober for) and his planned alcohol counselling sessions in the next month will be able to give him some support, as I can't give him what he needs. I can't understand depression or alcoholism from his point of view because i hae never suffered with either, and so he finds it hard to relate to me about it.

I know it would just be so much simpler to leave him and go find a guy with no mentla or emotional problems, but I seem to have rather fallen for this one. Sigh........

Bernadette

I know it would just be so much simpler to leave him and go find a guy with no mentla or emotional problems, but I seem to have rather fallen for this one. Sigh........

Never forget you choose each day to be with him. You are pursuing him by choice. Your life, future, happiness, peace-of-mind, and troubles are all controlled by your choices.

I can love someone but choose to end the relationship because it is not what I expected or what I need/want or because it is unhealthy. I am free to choose, each day, how to spend my life! And while I accept that I cannnot predict the future, I do accept that today's seeds reap tomorrow's harvest.

I'm just a bee buzzing in your ear to remind you - you are free!

peace-
b

freya

Wow!

Personally, if I had just been about to split up with someone last weekend, the question I would be asking myself is not "Can I trust him again?" but "Do I want to hang around to see if he is able to behave is such a way as to re-earn my trust?"

I feel pretty strongly that, when someone has behaved in such a way as to destroy trust, the lion's share of the work for re-establishing trust is on that person. I don't "owe" that person anything -- including another chance, and I sincerely hope that I would never just re-grant trust to someone based on his/her (broken before) promise of change.

freya

iwantcontrol

i see what you are saying - it is my choice to stay with him and i need to work out why i am choosing to (although i think it is purely that i love him and want our relationship to be how it is when he is sober).

I can see that it should be him convincing me and showing me i can trust him about alcohol etc (it is only ever alcohol related things he lies about apparently) and that has made me stop and think – while he was trying to show me this over the weekend, i need to step back and allow him to prove himself to me over the next few weeks. I must stop coming across as so needy and desperate for the relationship to work. I achieved that the other day for the first real time but that was only because i got so damn angry with him. I need to get that feeling back , but without the anger. In a way, i want it to be like it was when we got together – he was pursuing me really and was more into seeing each other than i was.

Without help, or even with it, it is going to be a tough long journey for him and i can understand sometimes why he finds that too daunting and difficult and gives up for a while. I expect i would too. He says he is wrestling with the fact that alcohol is the only thing that relieves his depression even though he knows it makes it worse in the long run – he knows all this and has been fighting it for a lot longer than he has known me, so why should i come along and expect to be able to fix him? It’s stupid. I need to back off and let him deal with it whilst trying to support him. He also says he is more susceptible to being addicted to alcohol than most people, and he flips between the 2 explanations in his own head. We both agreed that really it doesn’t matter why, just that he tries to stop drinking.

I wish i could get to the stage where i can let him go (but stay together in a relationship) and get on with my own life but i am lost as to how to do this. I’m trying so hard to detach and do the things people suggest on here, but in my brain i can’t let go properly. I am constantly thinking about him and worrying about the day i probably have to leave him if he doesn’t get better.

RobbyRobot

My ESH

Having trust in a relationship is so much a two-way street in ordinary everyday life throughout the relationship, and not just reserved for "important" issues when things go bad or get difficult.

Trust is not a commodity to be traded back and forth with the idea that getting a better bargain ensures better performance from the other guy.

Trust can mistakenly easily be given and not earned but that requires having faith in the relationship goals instead of each other. That kind of unearned trust can lead to co-dependance instead of the desired inter-dependance.

In reading your quote above, i warmly suggest you could trust more of yourself in your own life before taking on the awesome responsibilites of a full giving and taking relationship with a person who abuses alcohol. This does not mean dont have a relationship with your guy [breaking up]but to have a relationship built on trust requires trust first and not secondary to the relationship.

To achieve a better trust in ourselves we need written-in-stone boundaries and as well some flexible boundaries. Having both resources will serve you better then just being overly stoic or too forgiving as the case may be.

To create boundaries requires an investment of being rigorously honest with yourself and bravely facing the obvious conclusions by having a sound judgement in your own Experience, Strength, & Hope.

There is no magic to being truthful in our own hearts and minds and thereby solving any of our dilemmas. What is magical is to walk purposefully and honorably the righteous path enlightend before each of us when the solution presents itself. Walking our own talk is always its own reward.

Best wishes!

RobbyRobot

iwantcontrol

Thank you, i will definitely have to reread your post a few times to really take it all in.

Right this second, knowing he is not drinking, things feel good. It is my reliance on whether or not he is drinking to change my mood and outlook is what I most need to work on. When we speak on the phone at the moment, and I know he is sober, we get on so well and things feel really good. I know he will drink again and I know that will ruin things. I love him so much when he’s not drinking. It is so painful that he puts what we have at risk every time he takes a drink. I really don’t know how to change so my life isn’t ruined when he drinks - I guess rereading Codep no More is my first step.

I’m fed up with having to think about this stuff all the time. I just want us to have a normal relationship where i don’t have to deal with all his problems – he can do that and i can leave him to it. I’ve never had a relationship with an A before, and oh boy, what a steep learning curve. I don’t know how i’d have coped without SR.

GiveLove

iwc, I think this could be our mantra on this forum (change "him" to "him/her")

With an alcoholic, it is a stark reality that we can never have a so-called normal life. Even after many years of complete abstinence and recovery, it is still the third person at the breakfast table every morning. As much as I loved my X, that is something I could not face.

Your choice, eventually, will be whether you want to retrain yourself so his drinking is okay, or follow your inner guidance that says you don't belong with someone who puts so much importance on drinking, no matter how well you get on.

We will always be here for you, no matter what you choose. There are plenty on both sides here

iwantcontrol

Thanks givelove, that means a lot to me. It is a huge decision and i'm sure i'll be ready to make it at some point. At the moment i want to see if things can work, but as i begin to sort myself out, i may change my mind.

MissFixit

One thing I want to add to the above posts. Put the focus back on you. The whole "you cannot control him" thing is reality. Your frustration in trying to trust him, obsessing over him and not being able to detach (believe me many of us have struggled with this) screams to me that you want to control him.

It sounds as though you want him to be something he is not. The way he is when sober is not the "real" him... That is fantasy him trying to smooth things over and keep you hooked. HE will cry, beg and rationalize but it is ALL maniupulation. The real him IS the alcoholic right now. He is active and not in recovery. When we minimize the negative points, we really do ourselves a disservice.

Something that might help you is reading more on alcoholism and codependency. If you know the facts about the disease and accept that he is an alcoholic, then you know the disease's progression.

Good luck to you.